Hi, I’m Connor, my Christian name is Patrick. I grew up in a Catholic household. Pretty much everyone in my family has substance abuse issues. Growing up, My parents drank on weekends, with a liberal kind of pseudo moderation. Fortunately they didn’t do any other drugs etc. My brother bullied me around a good deal, I was kind of a sad and introverted kid.
Fast forward to high school… I was into skateboarding and playing guitar. I made some friends who smoked weed, and I immediately fell in love with cannabis. I also started watching porn. I thought Marijuana isn’t addictive and I didn’t really believe in God so sexual ethics were not a concern. I tried alcohol at that age and didn’t like it much. My parents found out we (my brother and I) were smoking and came down hard on us with drug tests, counselors etc. we figured out how to cheat those tests. By age 16 I was smoking marijuana and watching porn/masturbating several times daily.
Fast forward to college: I made my first attempt to be clean at age 18. I was obsessed with health and some new age spiritual beliefs. I became extremely neurotic, nobody could bare being around me! At age 19 I got back on marijuana daily. I felt guilty about porn at this point but would still watch sometimes.
At age 21 I started drinking daily. I told myself that no problems will result if I stick to beer only and no liquor. I had very loose rules of moderation and I drank a lifetime worth of beers in my early 20s.
I also abandoned a lot of new age beliefs and returned to traditional Christianity in my early 20s. I made excuses for marijuana and alcohol but not porn. I started to get my sexual life together at this point.
By the time I reached 22, I was aware that I was fully addicted to marijuana, and by the time I was 24, I was aware that I was fully addicted to alcohol. Moderation sounded better than quitting, and my body was still handling it alright.
At age 25. I made another attempt to get fully clean, it lasted several months. I tried 12 step at this time, and I don’t think it will work for me. I have repeated this throughout my late 20s, making clean up attempts that last maybe 2-5 months. My body appreciates this but I have not found the strength/courage to keep going clean indefinitely. I can see the psychological damage I did to myself now. Why is it so difficult to be sober? Shouldn’t it be more difficult to get drunk high and watch porn/masturbate? After all those things are expensive…
Recognizing the damage, I have the attitude that I’m in this fight for the long haul and for my eternal salvation.
My strategies now include prayer, pets, quiet/reclusive living and journaling.
I hope to find and share some encouragement and tips with this community. I look forward to reading and sharing about our victories over demonic, destructive addictions.