My journey started Super Bowl night. What was supposed to be an amazing night celebrating one of the best half time shows (in my opinion)… turned out to be a huge disaster of siblings yelling at each other over past experiences as children, and a husband trying to keep the children occupied and away from the yelling and tears. More on that later…
-going with full honesty here, laying all out there because I’m hoping this is a safe place to do so. Sorry for the length. Hoping I worded everything in a safe manor for everyone reading-
About me: I am 29. A stay at home mom of 2 boys, (6 & 8) and have been a wife for 7 years. I was diagnosed with bi-polar depression and PTSD last year and have high anxiety.
I was raised by my grandparents from the age of 2, my mother was a stripper and my dad committed suicide when I was 6.5. There is past familial sexual abuse at different times in my childhood.
I was married before and had a previous child with that husband. That child was a Micro Premie (born at 24 weeks, weighing 1 pound 9 oz) he is now 10 years old. I was 18 when I had him, and was not in a space to raise him, so my ex-husbands aunt and uncle who couldn’t have kids, agreed to raise him while I would still remain in his life and he would know I was his mother.
I began drinking at the age of 14, when I had moved back in with my mother. She allowed me to drink at home, so the space was safe, but I ended up drinking basically everywhere I went. Boyfriends houses, parties, other family members house.
Fast forward to after having my oldest son, the emotional toll from having him so early, my husband “going to work” one day and never coming home, and trying to make it on my own was too much for me to handle. I ended up drinking almost daily and parties every Friday and Saturday. I knew I was not being the best I could be, but I just didn’t know ho to deal with what was going on around me. The morning I woke up and went for a drink instead I knew I was in no shape to raise my son. That’s when I made the hard decision to allow someone else to raise him.
I got my act together for a while, and had my second son and got married again. Things were great and I kept the drinking to occasionally. Weekends or dinner with friends. Then went on to have my third child. Things still going well.
After my third child, that’s when it seems it was all down hill from there. And I feel like I brought it on myself. My husband had gotten promoted and so he was working what seemed like all the time. I was working in his office, but at a different time due to the kids and daycare. I had begun feeling neglected. Like an afterthought. He began to basically become obsessed with porn, and I was like chop liver. I ended up stepping out and almost ended the relationship. Things got repaired for the most part, for a while. Then went back to how they were, so I did it again. During all of this, the drinking was still occasionally, but when I did, i really did.
Things got repaired again and things were good for a while. However, we both were still dealing with all that had happened. I turned to what I always turned to. It was gradual… a few glasses here and there during the week, turned into bottles a night. I began to work in the construction business as a project manager. Things between the marriage began to feel strained due to basically just life happening and lack of communication on both of our parts. No one would speak about how they were feeling and just letting things sit in our heads and fester. Our intimacy was next to none and drinking was at an all time high. Anyone in the construction world knows how some of the guys can be. Which is just very forward. One thing led to another and it happened again, but on a larger scale of emotion with the other person. Life blew up for us, and we got a lawyer involved and we’re in the process of getting separation papers, but we’re able to resolve things to change them to post nuptials. I left the job.
I continued to drink… multiple bottles a night. I knew I had a problem, but I just couldn’t get over everything in my head. I had a family gathering and there was a trigger there that brought back flashes of past sexual encounters with family members. Which sent me on an even bigger spiral. I went to a councilor for about 4ish months and things seemed to be okay in my head, but I just couldn’t stop the drinking. The last few months, it continued to get worse… I was drinking during the day, and then sober up enough to go get the kids from school (not my finest moments). Then once getting home, continue with what I was doing until I would pass out on the couch.
Fast forward to Super Bowl Sunday. Hip hop (especially Eminem) was always big with my older sister. For me, Eminem music helped me though my teen years trying to deal with the every evolving aspect of dealing with the childhood loss of my father to suicide. So her and I were stoked for the show. She came over around lunchtime and that’s when the drinks started flowing. Remember that trigger I mentioned earlier, well it was perfume. Tommy Girl to be exact. My sister had it out when she came in and sat it on the table. A little voice in my head said “don’t do it”… but I sprayed myself with it and took a big inhale. I felt fine. No biggie. Kept on with our activities and everything was going great. Her kids and my kids were playing together, we were watching the pregame and then the game. Half time came and we were so hype. Jumping around, singing, having a blast. Afterward, she got a text from an old family friend and just the name itself brought a flash of terror to me. And that’s when I spiraled into the past… I got angry, and moody and her and my husband were asking what was wrong and my sister made a joke and I basically lost my mind at that point. Everything that was said at this point seems like a blur. My sister and I began to argue. The arguing turned into yelling and crying and one following the other around the house. Going outside to get away from the kids, then ending back up in the house still arguing. My husband tried to get in between us and ended up just trying to keep the kids away or out of earshot. They didn’t need to see or hear any of the conversation that was happening. Past family abuse was a major part of what we were arguing about. I couldn’t stop my body at that point. I was not in control of anything that had came out of my mouth. It was like an out of body experience. It was scary. Very scary. I ended up walking down the road, in the freezing cold, no jacket, no shoes, no phone. Once I walked back, my husband had told me to go to bed, and my sister was in the room waiting. We changed the tone to talking which brought on even more tears. My loving husband got all the kids to bed while we were talking. My brain was a mushed mess at that point.
As I laid there in bed, I knew I had to do something to stop. I’ve had many nights that ended similar, but not to that extent. I’ve never gotten that way in-front of my kids, ever. I was ashamed. I couldn’t believe what happened.
The next morning, my sister was still there, and things were strained. We ended up talking later and kinda making up and getting on good terms. But when I woke up, I knew that was my last straw. I had to do something to make a change. I can’t let that ever happen again. I don’t want to be the reason my own kids have any form of childhood trauma if I can help it. So that’s when I decided I just have to try…
I’m on day 2.5 now, and I found this app. Im trying to do this at home. I haven’t told my husband I’m trying to completely stop drinking, and I should. But I’ve said it to him before and usually only make it 3 or 4 days and go back to it. I know I need to tell him, I just don’t want the look of “of course you are” or “you’ve said that before”… I don’t think I could handle that. So for now, I’m using this app, and this community to help get me through this. I’ll tell him eventually, but for now I want to do this for me. I’m not a perfect person, I have a past, I’ve done horrible things, but I have to be stronger then I’ve ever been, for myself, husband, kids and find a new way to cope with things.
If you have made it this far, thank you so much for just hearing me out and reading my story. I’ve read quite a few other stories and I am so inspired and in awe of those who are taking the steps in their lives to be the best they can be. I hope that I can hit some of those same milestones. I’m proud of you all. Again, thank you for allowing me to have this space and take this time of your day to read my truth.
I was going to turn 60 and I had just had enough of the roller coaster. And this forum has given me my life back.