Trigger warning, alcohol, sucidal subject matter, and sexual abuse.
Just started sobriety from alcohol today. Had my last drink, and im going to kick it for good, otherwise i will live misrable, and amount to a person i dont want to be. Its sad, i left to drop a family member off at the hospital. They said they required someone to accompany them, and so my brain decided it would be the perfect opportunity to sneak more alcohol into my life. After dropping them off i walked around the area till i located a liquorstore, walked in and purchased a 200ml bottle of Jameson, went behind a building and slammed half of it. I said to myself i wouldnt drink as much as last night, which was 4 tall beers and a whole mickey. Ive been drinking consistently for weeks now with little 2 day breaks inbetween which were misrable to get through. Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts plauged me all day, vivid and graphic imagery playing in my head. Been talking to someone who i opened up to and theyre genuinely concerned for my wellbeing. I found an old note i wrote that i had forgotten about, which i will paste here. This inspired me to finally rid myself of liquor.
“Let’s assume this is death, if I wake up tommorow, I hope I know, to respect my life a lot more then I have ever! I don’t ever want to experience this inescapable fear! This is nothing I’ve ever experienced on any psych (4-ACO-DMT), no amount of alcohol can cover this up. If I wake up to experience life again, I want to always rememeber this experience in tuscon, you were scared to true death. You truly do appreciate what you have, you have always taken for granted your life, drinking, doing drugs. Here you lay, psychotic from the drugs, in another country, with what you think, no ability to get medical attention. You really did it this time. I have truly learned the value of my life, and experienced the fear of death, words can’t describe what level of fear I’ve felt, it’s hard to even continue that sentence. I couldn’t even reply, to the girl which I truly care for, shes beautiful, shes cute, and such a wonderful human being, I cant describe the feelings I feel for her, I value my relationship with her, and I need to gain control of my life, for my body, and for every one ive influenced. I need to get these words out into notes. You have thought to yourself, like your the only one who has felt abuse of drugs, or your the only one who has felt depression and lifes full weight. This should truly prove to you, everyone has felt this way. when you think about the way you thought previously (my life has been misery, you dont understand), you feel embarrassed, you are equal to everyone, 1 in 7.5 billion. I fully understand how I’m connected to everyone, I should truly listen, and love everyone, and all relationships I’m involved with. My mom, my sister, my brother in law, my friends, my love and everyone else I’ve influenced, even slightly. I shouldnt let others stomp on me, and I shouldnt fear others. If fear ever arises in any other situation, and if I find myself astray, I should reflect on this experience. I shouldn’t wear these experiences like badges to flaunt, more so, I should share knowledge, on how people can make their lives better, from my own experience. Take care of your body, it’s all you have. Sometimes you may want to die, imagine jumping from a plane, if your parachute failed, would you not care? Would your brain feel no fear?”
Im confident i wont have a seizure from stopping, and if i really start to feel the effects of liquor withdrawl, which i have, i have money and i will purchase as needed and seek medical attention immediately. DO NOT QUIT ALCOHOL, OR BENZOS COLD TURKEY, I DO NOT RECCOMEND. WITHDRAWLS CAN EASILY BE FATAL.
Sorry for this long drawn out post, i will continue to share my story. Im 24, i started drinking a few times a week when i was 15. I was sexually abused by an older female growing up (thats the last im going to talk about that). My mom was gone in another province for psychiatric care, and so i lived with my father back on their residence. My mom was gone for a long time, and my dad decided to sleep with another women. My father was abusive towards my mom. So growing up wasnt easy, but, it wasnt all bad, and i still have fond memories of my childhood. My dad couldnt afford the mortgage alone, and so he started working out of town to get more income. Eventually he realised it wasnt appropriate to have me raising myself, so he decided to find someone to keep and eye on me while he was gone. The lady he chose to watch me soon became his girlfriend. She was addicted to crack, and so my dad in his depressed state of mind, with a childhood that lacked any compassion, and a nothing to lose mentality, wrong place and wrong time, decided to smoke crack along with what i would later call my stepmother (although they never married). I started skipping school, drinking, smokeing pot, partying and hanging out with disadvantaged people like myself. And in hindsight, i dont regret any of those friendships, they were broken down by life at a young age and so we all got along well. What can you do when you live in a shoe? Skipping school became normalized and my father in his state of mind had little ability to care about the grave decisions i was making.
Eventually dropping out happened. I was in grade 10. My dad lost his truck, his trailer, his wife. My dad is a hard worker and barely managed to hold onto the house for a few years. He slaved away working his fingers to the bone to try and make ends meet, and support his addiction at the same time, while i was out engaging in activities that teenagers shouldnt be doing. My step mom fermented at home, and lached onto my father like a parasite. She tried strangling my sister before. Cops were called to the home more times then i can remember. I starved growing up, saw my dad have his dignity stripped away, and was copeing as a teenager through the same way he was copeing. I began to fall through the cracks of society into the dark underbelly.
Eventually i met a girl, we hit it off right from the get go. Im 17, im a semi functional alcoholic, at this point my repertoire of experience in drugs has expanded. Shes deaf, im speaking. I manage to become fluent enough where we can communicate through mostly sign. I get her pregnant.
She decides to keep our child, but that isnt enough to persuade me to stop the drinking. My dad inevitably sells the house and says
“Hey me you and her can all move into an place together, i can help you and her raise the baby, and il leave the women im with”.
But he goes back on his promise a couple days later, he tells me
“Sorry, ive decided to go with my wife to another province, so, you can either go with your mom (who has found someone else at this point, shes out of town and my life) or, you can come with me and your stepmom”.
I was put in a hard spot, but for me, the rational decision was to go with my mom, get a job, save money, and move back to the city with my girlfriend, and raise the baby. I executed that all, with bumps in the road.
I made it, im with my girlfriend in an appartment. The thing is, im still drinking, and at this point, im also slamming OTC cough syrup. Im a strung out mess. I dont even know how ive made it this far. Obviously, im not the best boyfriend, im not abusive, but im most definitely not responsible enough to care for a child. Im mangled daily, and she has to watch all this. Baby comes, i kick the cough syrup, BUT STILL CANT KICK THE ALCOHOL. social services is involved in our lives, im 18, drinking, and shes deaf. Inevitably the social workers give us an option. Give your baby for adoption, or, foster care. We pick adoption, and she is heart broken. Im broken and regrettably unfunctional as a father. Relationship goes sour, and we split. I feel so terrible for my actions, words cant describe the heart wrenching misery and guilt i feel for these mistakes ive made. She ends up going out with a guy, who gets her addicted to meth, and her life becomes so squalid its absolutely heart breaking.
dad is back in the city, i move in with him. But guess what, he flocks away to his wife to go drug again. My sister is there. Im Still drinking, but now i have to make ends meet along with her. I start with temp work, and im slaveing away, we’re barley makeing it by, useing the food bank. Many of recipes were invented in this period of time. The house i was in had black mold and bed bugs. My room was perpetually trashed, the kitchen always had dishes piled up. We moved back and forth from the basement to upstairs. furniture was 2 beds, a small school desk, and a portable table. Eviction notices and a landlord that threatened to beat up my dad. My dad was in and out of my life , when he was with me, he was begging me and my sister for money, where hed blow it on crack and spend his time alone. Then hed leave after maybe a week. He only came back due to his toxic relationship with my stepmom, and when he did come back he was in an absolute rage.
My dad begins smokeing meth instead of crack.
Im spending half my money on liquor and my sister is pissed about that, rightfully so. Id rather drink than eat. At this point im drinking daily, about 4 beers - 6 pack a day. Sometimes purchasing harliquor, a 26 would last me about 3 or 4 days. After a few years my dad is in another place, and says we can move in.
We move in, and guess what? He leaves. This place is nicer, no more black mold, no more bed bugs. Im still drinking like a fish though. At one point i go on income support. Im being treated for major depression, i have no money to buy a bed, sinced i tossed my old bed beside a dumpster for obvious reasons when we moved. So im sleeping on a couch cushion in my closet. My sister is very concerned for me. I end up kicking the anti depressants because theyre makeing me feel wsy worse, and leave treatment. finally, after maybe a year or 2 being there, i decided to go job hunting, and i find something. I got a job at a liquor store. This would be the biggest curse. I gain expendable income, and im constantly around liquor. My liquor intake gets up to a mickey a day. After just maybe 6 months of working there, i tell my boss whats up, and that, i need to stop, and if i stop im going to withdrawl, and so i need to take some time off. She says its okay, shes cool about it (shes a year older than me). I talked to a therapist and a psych, they said they couldnt help me for my depression, because of the alcohol, and told me to go to a rehabilitation clinic downtown. Well, i left and didnt go to the rehabilitation clinic. I took a massive risk and quit cold turkey, terrified i might have a seizure. And to my surprise i did not have a seizure, but was shakey and panicking. Withdrawls were bad, but not life threatening. I managed to stop, and i head my ass back to the liquorstore. I get invited to a party, im clean for a couple months. And guess what, i drink again while there, also while takeing kratom. Then once again it spirals out of control from there. I hide it from my job by purchaseing alcohol from a vareity of establishments. Im swigging mickeys in the work bathroom. I remember, i bought a mickey, and one of my younger coworkers said “dont drink it on the job”, i bet he knew what was up. Anyways, i manage to quit a few more times.
Me and my friends outside of work start takeing psychs together. We all have a interest in psychedelics. And so we begin experimentation with a whole list of drugs. Some are pretty obscure.
Fast forward since this is getting pretty lengthy. But, i stopped working due to covid, and because im liveing with an immunocomprised person. I have ei stacked, and im in a country with consistent covid relief payments. So when my ei runs out i still have substantial income. I thought this will seal the deal, i will kick this poison for sure. Obviously it failed. But now im posting here, and im confident i will kick it for good!!! Wish me luck!!!
