I’m wanting to cut. Idk why. I just miss it and miss the scars. Idk why. Ughhh. If it gets worse, I’mma use a red marked or other techniques. Idk why I’m wanting it so bad rn. But I am.
Exactly. Plus, I’m also like always tired anyways.
Yeah, it’s helpful. I cook some, and my mom makes dinners.
I’m back on the second.
Yep, I know. It’s just a work in progress.
One of the coping techniques that my daughter used was holding an ice cube in her mouth. It kept her focused on the cold and did help her. Do you have a list of coping mechanisms? The red marker you mention is a good one, too.
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Yeah, I have a small list from when I was in the hospital. And there’s a good amount online. I use ice like on my arm some but yeah.
What kind of stuff do you like to cook?
Will be good to get back to school - I know it’s stressful but holidays are always a bit weird, all the extra tensions from everyone being out of routine etc. How’s it going at school, are you catching up like you’d hoped?
And, how’s your back?
Lots of desserts, but I’m trying more veggies and healthier sandwiches and stuff now.
Yeah, schools honestly a nice routine. It’s stressful and I almost always cry at some point but it’s honestly good kinda. Some. Not really catching up. That might be what I work on tomorrow. And also cleaning my desk off so I can use it some.
My back still hurts. And honestly it might be a bit worse. It’s really frustrating. I’m trying to get an appointment with an orthopedist cause then they can help find what’s up. But my necks now hurting some. Oof. I’m like always tired cause depression, but now there’s my back on top of that and I’m just pooped like 90% of the time and it’s mad annoying. And I wanna be able to work out so I’ll start losing weight.
Ughhh anyhoo. Thanks for checking in and thanks for reading this if that happened. 
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Crud nuggets. My back hurts so much rn. I’m literally just laying on my back. Why? Ughhh.
Also I’m thinking I’mma try and come in here like every day if I can, even if I just post hey, I’m doing good. I wanna just have the habit, u know? Okie y’all. See u tomorrow!
You will have to keep us posted on any new food stuff you like!
Well at least school gives you the routine - there’s always stressful things when you have depression aren’t there? It’s great that you can find the good though
Bad news about your back and neck though! Orthopedist sounds like a good idea. Re excercise, it doesn’t have to be intense, just moving is good. If you have a dog them that’s a good excuse to do a bit more walking when you can manage it! But when you can’t, well you can’t and that’s fine too.
Lol I totally will. Rn I’m into meat, cheese, egg, and spinach sandwiches. Not crazy healthy, but better.
Lol yeah, exactly. I’m trying to focus on what’s helpful and good stuff.
Yep. I’mma try to go to a different one tho. Yeah, I walk twice a day, for like 10-15 min, and have two exercises from PT. It’s hard cause standing for a long time hurts.
Also yes, I have a dog who walk and nowimma post a picture cause he’s the sweetest little guy ever and I love him.
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It’s all about making the switches and keeping it sustainable. So better is good! Just keep focusing on more of the good stuff and the less good stuff will automatically reduce
Can you do any yoga? I have been doing it daily (except the last couple of weeks, but getting back on it now) and have noticed a really big difference in my overall fitness. If you’re doing it at home though you would have to be careful not to make your back worse, listen to your body etc. Maybe worth asking the orthopedist about. It’s good for mental health too.
And your doggo is such a sweetie! Just gorgeous 
Exactly. Sustainable is the real goal. Exactly. I’m trying to focus on all the amazing stuff I could have rather than just not having stuff, u know?
I can do some. Just depends on the post or whatever.
Thank you! He is like actually my bff and he’s so sweet and silly and I love him so much like ahhhhh!!!
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Ok. So I’m gonna say something I haven’t said or even really acknowledged to myself till today, and I just wanna be clear that I only want positive messages, don’t day it’s stupid. I already know that.
Anyways here goes:
I’ve been feeling weird for calling myself depressed cause I haven’t been too sad. I feel weird saying it’s depression cause when it was bad, I cried every single day and wanted to cut to escape it. So I don’t know what this is. It just doesn’t feel the same. But I know depression isn’t just sadness. It’s a lack of motivation or interest in things, being tired all the time, feeling numb, etc, which I have. But idk.
Actually, this is probably just me invalidating myself again. That’s something I’m trying to work on. I know I have depression and I think I am depressed, but I feel guilty saying that when it could be worse, you know?
PS.
With school starting up tomorrow, I’m also really stressed about trying to ensure I don’t do any of my target behaviors. Also I’m stressed cause I have gsa and I know if I don’t run it nothing will happen and I feel like people think I’m overstepping my bounds when I do.
Also I’ve been having a hard time with gender recently, as I’ve always been tomboyish, but now my hatred of having boobs has grown a lot. And idk if I’m a dude or non binary, or just a tomboy who wants to be able to walk without their chest jiggling. Idk.
I’m Kate and I’m stressed.
It’s not stupid at all. No need to feel guilty – what you are feeling is what you are feeling, it is what it is, no guilt necessary. It sounds to me like depression is an appropriate and accurate term to use from what you’ve described. Yes it could be worse, but it doesn’t mean you’re not going through something sucky. Just keep remembering that depression isn’t your identity, it’s something you’re going through right now, you’re greater than this current experience. 
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That does sound stressful. I haven’t gone through that, but figuring out who I am was hard enough without having to ponder about gender! I think you are developing some strong skills and a great knowledge base to deal with the things life throws your way. I particularly have noticed your introspection, and I believe that’s a skill that will serve you well, especially as you are navigating how you want to view yourself as a person.
I don’t know if you’ve come across Yoga With Adriene on YouTube but she is awesome and has lots of videos. Would recommend giving it a go if you can find time and space for it
And that’s definitely not stupid re how you’re feeling with your depression. I went to the doctors in December for mine after feeling like it for at least a year. I kept putting off getting help because the crying came and went and when it went, I had periods where life felt more manageable. Although I was still super stressed about everything!
The only thing I have found that half works with stress is focusing on breathing and just coming back to now. One step at a time! Trying to let go of my perceptions of how things might play out, put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. Things don’t usually end up as bad as I expect them to.
What’s a GSA?
The stuff around your gender sounds complicated and honestly it’s out of my experience… Plus I don’t have big boobs to worry about 
(something I HATED when I was your age but I am fine with now!) But seriously, whatever conclusion you come to its your body and your feelings are valid. Hopefully things become clearer over time.
Yeah. Honestly typing it out I remembered I gotta validate my feelings and remember they’re valid and whatnot.
Thanks😊 yeah, it’s not, but it’s something I’ve struggles with for years and will probably be with me for a lot of my life. It’s just a matter if focusing on how to deal with it. Which I’m working on. Dang! A rational thought!
You’re nice, thanks. It’s just an ongoing stressor rn and I’m kinda just ignoring it😆 But the good thing about having really bad depression is you end up spending time in hospitals learning about your brain and how it works lol😆 and yeah, I think the fact that I’m pretty self aware is helpful.
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