I’m really sad rn but also excited. I feel like I massively screwed everything up with my friend Ethan, but I passed my road test, which is good. But I’m still scared I ruined our whole friendship by being a bitch (I was pms’ing and also nervous and stressed and a little sad) and also I don’t know if it’s a good idea to stay friends with him. I always end up crying when we hang out. I’m sure some of that is the fact that he’s the only one who knows that much about me, but also idk. It kind of worries me. But I also like him and hes kinda fun too. Idk. I’m just really confused rn. And I keep crying. I just need to let it out, so I’m fine with crying. But I need to stop being bitchy, even if I am having pms, during which I get really really moody, normally just really crazy irratable or depressed. One or the other. And I need to stop it cause I can’t keep messing up like this. And I hate me and I hate my brain and I just wanna be someone else. Someone normal. Idk. Thanks for listening. I’m just sad rn.
Well done for passing your test, that’s a great achievement!
With your friend Ethan, has he said he doesn’t want to be friends with you? I find sometimes when I am anxious I make assumptions about how people feel about me. They are often wrong! Our minds can have annoying ways of making us see things differently to how they are. If you feel bad about the way you’ve behaved, have you told him that? He might appreciate hearing it. Don’t forget that moods change and hormones make us act differently. It’s good to recognise it but don’t beat yourself up about it. It might not affect all of us in the same way, but it does happen to all of us 
If you like him and you enjoy spending time with him then that’s a good thing… If you have fun together that’s worth holding on to in my opinion. It’s also good you have someone to talk to about what’s going on in your life. Trust that he will tell you if he can’t handle it. If he does tell you, that’s great that you have someone who trusts and respects you enough to be honest with you. And even if he can’t handle it all the time, that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends at all!
I hope that helps - keep on keeping on my friend.
I used to love this song back in high school. You reminded me of it.
He hasn’t said it, but he just told me he didn’t care we haven’t talked all week. And he never tried to talk or make plans or anything like that. It’s been like this for a while. I’m just trying to find someone who I can talk to like I can talk to him before I can actually stop trying to hold everything together with him all the time. I did tell him I was sorry. He didn’t respond at all and still hadn’t mentioned it. We do have fun together and I’m normally happier. But he’s the only one I talk to so I normally end up crying about whatever. Idk if it’s him or just what I end up talking/ thinking about. But I’m worried he’s holding me back in my recovery. He clearly gets pissed when I talk too much, just by trying to shove it aside but then when I don’t talk, he gets mad that I’m not saying g how I feel or whatever.
Oh that sounds complicated and confusing 
Some mixed signals there!
Broadening your network sounds like a good idea, do you have any hobbies (or anything you’d like to try out) where you could meet some people with shared interests?
Also if you’ve passed your test, have you got a car yet or are you looking for one? Just being nosey 
Yeah. He’s confusing. My plan is to not initiate contact for a month. If he doesn’t even try to talk in that time, I’ll know he really doesn’t care if we are friends. I hate meeting people. And also I don’t have scenarios where I can meet people. And yes, I do have a car now lol. Is orange and cute.
Not far from where I live there is a meetup group for people with social anxiety which I thought was a great idea. But still got to get there in the first place, which is obviously the hardest part!
I also saw a gardening group which looked good - they actually say on their website that it’s great for people struggling with their mental health (although it is completely open to anyone), because you can just go. You don’t have to speak to anyone, there’s stuff you can do on your own and it can be very therapeutic in and of itself. But there are other people there and if you want to talk to anyone, you can. I thought that was really nice - you can go to do something good for yourself that you enjoy and if the opportunity to connect with like minded people comes up and you want to take it you can, if you don’t then you don’t! I guess that could be applied to other activities too, the idea is the same.
My DOC was alcohol and I’ve really struggled making new sober friends. I moved to my area 6 years ago and the few friendships I made were based around nights out at the pub. Not so helpful now! My plan is to try some AA meetings to see if that helps - but the main point of going there is to help myself. If any connections come out of it, bonus. But like above the hardest part is actually getting there in the first place!
What kind of stuff do you like? I saw earlier in the thread (can’t remember the exact details, there’s lots of posts 
) that you’d been to a camp, I live in the UK and that kind of stuff isn’t as big here. What was that all about?
Cute orange car sounds cool! Have you been driving much?
I volunteer helping at a therapy farm, I love to design clothes, I row (crew), I vaguely play ukulele, the camp was a business camp where we made a business plan and stuff. It was a lot of fun. And yeah, I’ve been driving. I drive myself to volunteering now, which is a 30-45 minute drive depending on traffic.
Oh wow that’s all so awesome! It sounds like you are very talented
Lol I try. Thanks. It’s a lot but mostly it’s ok and fun.
I’ve always wanted to be able to do stuff with clothes, just simple things like making alterations as I do most of my shopping in charity shops and it’s not always easy to find the right thing in the right size. Don’t quite have the vision for it though!
Business camp sounds like fun. What was your business plan?
I took a camp/class thing on fashion design and I made some clothes. I can do a few alterations now, and with some advice from the great and powerful YouTube, I could probably do a lot more lol. So we were given a business to run and we had to plan for the next year, five years, and ten years. And so we were given a fake football team and we came up with marketing strategies and promotions and stuff. It was really good. And I did pretty much all the finance. It was probably around 20-40 hours of work but it was really fun and interesting. Oof I’ve talked a lot. Oops😆
Not at all, I asked, it sounds really good!
And I must say, for someone who hates meeting people, it sounds like you’re doing a really great job of getting out there and putting yourself in those situations 
Yes, but I don’t meet anyone or make friends really. Im not awful at meeting people. It’s more about making lasting friendships. I’m really bad at that.
I think I can relate to that - I’m involved in lots of activities but don’t really have friendships that carry over outside of them. But the fact that you’re not awful at meeting people is good! That’s where friendships will come from. I have found over the last few months, as I’ve not been using drinking as a way of dealing with my emotions, things are starting to balance. I’ve got better at understanding what I want from people, what they can realistically give me, and how I can try and reach out to them to make it happen.
I guess these things just take time - for now though the main thing we all need to focus on is looking after ourselves. And know that you can always reach out here when you need to. It’s not the same as IRL but it’s got to help x
I’m trying to focus on myself by cutting out bad people. I know it sucks now and probably will for a while, but not having toxic people around me is important. It just is bringing up all my issues. And is really messing with my mental state. And I’m 17. I just wanna be a kid. Up until last year, I went to a school that was crazy strict, had crazy amounts of work, and made my depression and anxiety about 300 times worse. I left halfway through last year hoping I could go to the town school and feel like a regular kid. My grades were really bad. And now, with all this stuff. I don’t wanna have to think about my triggers, or anxiety, or depression, or how to keep myself safe from myself or PTSD or flashbacks, or spiraling, but I have to think about it and it stinks. I just wanna be a kid. I just wanna be able to relax and be a kid.
Do you think Ethan is toxic then? I got the impression that you wanted to be friends with him… Or is it just that he’s someone you have and there’s something in you that doesn’t want to let that go? Or something else?
Being 17 is HARD. But if you have those issues, like you say you have to think about it. It doesn’t stop you from being a kid though. And there’s still plenty of time to be young. I’m 30 and don’t intend on growing up any time soon I have a house and a job and a partner and a dog but I’m still young! And the older I get the more I realise how arbitrary age is, that I can be young for as long as I want to be. That is my experience anyway, I hope it works out that way for you too over time.
Did you change schools in the end? How did that go for you?
I am sure you have an awesome toolbox of things to help you cope with your mental health as it sounds like you have a really sensible head on those young shoulders Don’t know if meditation is one of the things you use, but I have found it so helpful. There’s a Motivation and Meditation thread on here which I have bookmarked, I can’t work out how to link to threads on here 
so I will tag you in it in case it’s useful. But there was a post yesterday which really resonated with me, and seems relevant here too:
I’m just scared to Lose him cause he knew everything. I could tell him stuff and he wouldn’t judge. He’s the only irl person I’ve told about being assaulted other than my therapist. I also just hate losing people. Idk if he’s toxic, but pretty much every time we hang out I feel bad for one reason or another. Which shouldn’t be happening, I don’t think.
Idk. It’s just the next two years I have to do well in school, then college. I wanna go to college cause I love to learn, but I know it’ll be really stressful. And idk. By be a kid I mean just have times when I can do what I want without something constantly looking over me. It’s just really hard rn. And I’m scared that me losing my closest friend will just make it all harder. And idk. I’mma keep trying obviously, but it just stinks rn.
I did change schools. It’s so much better. So much more relaxed. Still not getting good grades, but I’m try harder this year, plus, I don’t like being at home, so I’m fine staying for extra help pretty much every day lol.
Yeah, many tools in the box, lol. The joy of being in the hospital like four times lol. I’ve learned a crazy amount of skills😆
I don’t really do meditation, but I love asmr. I’ve recently gotten into it and I love the soap cutting ones. So satisfying lol.
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing😊
Oy this has gotten long. Enjoy!
That is so tricky, one the one hand it sounds like you can really trust him but then in other ways he is not giving you what you need. I don’t know what the answer is but hopefully it will work itself out, one day at a time!
Glad the new school is better for you. Hopefully it will help with your grades - although they aren’t everything! The fact that you love learning is an amazing quality in itself and if you’re staying behind for extra help that means you’re trying your best which is all anyone can (or should!) ask of you. Plus keeping out of the house is a bonus
Do you know what you want to do at college?
I haven’t seen any of the ASMR stuff but one of my friends is into it. I will try and remember to check it out when I’m back home.
Yeah. I’m just waiting. We’ll see. Lol yeah. There’s a college I wanna apply to this year so I really do have to do well.
Yeah, I want to study finance. I want to be a financial advisor to small businesses and startups. Then for my masters I want to study marketing.
You so should. It takes a while to find good ones cause there are so many different types, but yeah.