Broke into two parts because parent came in and I wanted to make sure I could post it in case they tried to steal my phone or hit me or something. Also, I’m just venting. I know this isn’t the biggest deal in the world, but it’s what’s bugging me right now.
The little sibling was asking if I could help put stuff in the car and I said no cause I wanted to take my mask off first. And then she started ranting about how I’m not helpful and (not in front of my dad) saying how she hated that I lived here and how she was upset I was going to live here for 4 months and not three.
And then basically the rest of the car ride was them playing really loud music, and when I asked them to turn it down they turn it down like one volume level out of 37. So I played my relaxing audio really loud in my headphones. And apparently my dad was like pissed about that or something. Because he just made a comment about how the car ride was bad and it was “warfare” or something.
Anyways, when we got home, I was helping unpack the groceries. And I was labeling things that I need for recipes or just what I need. For example, part of my morning routine is to have some yogurt with a particular type of granola, and so I labeled those. But apparently because “we can get more " I shouldn’t worry about it getting eaten. Because what I’m going to do first thing in the morning is definitely drive to the store to buy what I need. In a couple minutes later, I labeled one more thing. And that was something that I needed for a recipe. And he got mad that I was labeling the chocolate chips that I had bought for the recipe I’m making. He was mad because " I already have tons of bags of those.” Except I just moved home. I don’t know that. I also don’t know what types he has, because the recipe needs a certain type. And then he got pissed and kicked everyone out.
And when I was about halfway up the stairs to get to my room, I kind of just shouted that I didn’t want to live here. And then he chased after me shouting, and got in my face. Then I screamed at the top of my lungs two or three times while he was yelling at me but they still wouldn’t go away. And I miss being the city. If I screamed there, like five people would be there in seconds to make sure I was okay. But here, your parents are allowed to traumatize you because no one sees it.
I know that my actions weren’t perfect. But I also know that I’ve explained to both of them so many times why I need certain foods and why sometimes I’m just so tired that I can’t deal with things. And I know that they just don’t care enough to try to use any of what I say to understand me or to God forbid maybe try to help their child feel better.
And I’m applying to jobs, but I haven’t gotten any period and I’m not 21, so I can’t rent places to stay in most situations anyways. So we’ll see. I seriously thought about suicide earlier. I’m not going to do it, I never will, but it’s really scary that my mind actually went there for the first time in so long. And I was just really wanting to hurt myself. But I didn’t, but still.
As of now, I am planning on cleaning out my room as much as possible, bringing my fridge from school in here, buy my own food, and keeping it all there. I am also planning on reaching out to my old boss to see if I can work for him over this summer. I am also planning on keeping an emergency go bag around and finding places where I can go if it gets too bad here. So those are my plans for now. we’ll see what happens.
I’m sure I do plenty to upset her. We are all just perfectly imperfect humans trying our best, doing what we can with the hand life deals us. I have got to this point by doing exactly what you are doing, working on my mental health and gaining a better understanding of myself.
