Reviving this thread because it’s time. And it’s pertinent to my life now.
Anyways, after applying Allen Carr’s EasyWay method to my path, I’ve had some amazing results.
Only to find myself experiencing another bout of cravings lately. I’m certainly showing improvement. I experienced 60+ days of no cravings! That’s amazing! It’s just that if I understand how little value porn actually has, why am I craving it at all?
Upon watching the above video by Alexander Grace, I realized that my subconscious is definitely not where I want it to me. Alexander asks the viewer to put himself in the same position. Would I accept a booty call from this girl?
And my subconscious is clearly yelling,
HELL YEAH!
On a conscious level, I understand that such a decision would be completely wrong for me. Giving myself away like that would be negatively impacting my own value as a person.
And yet the cravings that I’ve been having are not towards viewing internet pornography, but to act out with a real person, and not just a hookup, but with a prostitute. So I’ve contemplated not just giving myself away, but paying her for it as well. Such a behavior would impact my sense of value even more. Why am I contemplating such a destructive behavior that also puts myself at risk of disease, of losing my marriage, of legal consequences, of financial setback?
I’ll tell you what. It’s shame. Toxic shame.
I recall the first time that I acted out with a prostitute was when I was about 6 months into recovery with SAA. I put my hands to my face saying to everyone there that I must hate myself. Why else would I do such a sabotaging, destructive act to myself?
They say that sobriety is the gift that keeps on giving.
Well, toxic shame is the curse that keeps on taking.
It’s time that I redirect my attention towards this nasty root. No matter how strong my recovery from porn is, toxic shame will continue to undermine and sabotage me. Dealing with shame is not going to be as Easy Peasy as porn, but I understand now that my NGS recovery doesn’t have to be perfect. I need not be afraid that an imperfect NGS path of recovery will not ultimately lead to a relapse in porn. I overcompensated myself before; being overly argumentative and walking into conflict without any regards to other’s feelings. I’m sorry about that. And I need to make amends shortly.
I started working out again. It had to happen. It’s working. I enjoyed a level 3 day following. I will continue to demonstrate to myself that I’m a person with value.
After finishing, Wack by Noah Church, recommended by @deep, my next book will be Healing the Shame that Binds you by John Bradshaw. That was recommended on this thread,
Honestly, I and this former member did not see eye to eye on a lot of things. But I’m grateful she posted this recommendation.
@olivia, I still plan to read Captivating. I did find Wild at Heart useful. Thank you.