Hey NoShame,
Youre doing an amazing job. Do you have anyone or anyway to work through tjis stuff with? I find it helpful to have someone helping me and something to work on actively around this shit in my life.
If I dont, its like: youre using to help with things you need to heal. But doing nothing about the wound, because its scary to touch and you dont know where to start. But the wound stays open, so you use to help cope with it and its a part of the cycle. Staying sober for me means: working on the things that Im running, trying to cope with and need to heal. It SOUNDS overwhelming, but you dont have to do it alone, or try to figure it out alone. There are all different kinds of ways to work through stuff, and we can do it at our own pace. It SOUNDS scary, becayse it means facing things we maybe havent or have been avoiding. It SOUNDS impossible - where the hell do I even start?? It SOUNDS exhausting - sometimes it is, but it is a productive and healing kind of tired. Where when you touch something, heal something yeh you may get tired emotionally but youre moving up and toward something. You FEEL it. Where when we drink, use whatever hell we get exhausted anyway! But nothings healing, we just feel we’re falling deeper…
I only have my experience to share with you, and its this:
I got sober at 20 and was sober for 10 yrs, 5 of them in AA. AA gave me a system to heal, through the 12 steps and in many ways I do believe it is a beautiful program. Today, and for many years there arw certain aspects of the program at are npt for me…enough where I no longer find certain aspects of it helpful. BUT that doesnt mean it didnt give me the foundation I stand on, the knowledge and hope I gained there for the journey I am on is this: if I just try to get sober but dont work on healing my wounds, it will be hard - whether I stay sober or not. And thats why the steps and sociak aspect are beautiful, because its a place where you have community and a whole process to guide you.
This time arpund I am doing therapy with a person who is 30 yrs sober and she does the Integrated Family Approach (the “parts” stuff I have talked about before), and she has given me thrpugh pur work together deeper insigjts intp my drinking and myself that I never had befpre. Im 37 and STILL learning new things about myself! Its scary, exhausting and kind of fuckong annpying LOL but it is also FREEING, EXCITING and healing isnt something you feel in the moment but you see happening over time. Im coming here, and though I thought it was my saddness I needed to work on its my anger that needs some attention first.
See I know from before that, I mean can I just hang in there and not pick up…i dont know fpr me Im npt sure i can…I know there are people who can but for me…I have to be actively healing (at my own pace!) And growing…and thats what helps keep me sober.
Anyway, just wanted to share my experience. Healing these wounds SOUNDS scary, exhausting and daunting. But it makes sobriety EASIER for me, and it makes my lofe so much fuller. I dont think I would have this insiht and hope if I didnt go through all this at 20, but I know its possible and what I have to do.
Hope some of this makes sense. XO.
Edit: also Sorry I do not mean to be hogging on your pg I am a wordy mutherfuxker and still cant decide if its something I need to work on or just accept about myself LOL XO.
