NINE MONTHS
Oh, look what the stork brought! A sober baby!!! 
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Congrats 
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Thank you!
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Congratulations Olivia !
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Thank you! 
D 278
Being on a constant journey of self discovery takes interesting turns. One thought leads to another, then to a memory and boom you’re in the middle of something profound.
I followed such a path to a memory when my latest and worst depression started. Long story short, it involved a breakdown, a LOT of crying and failed attempts to find suitable help for my distress. The scales tipped not in my favour and thus a hell began.
I have resentments towards these people who failed to help me when I asked for their support. It’s not their fault, I know that. Yet, somehow I came to realise I have to forgive them. (It will be an internal process, there’s no need to reach out to them.)
I will probably need to forgive myself too for being “too difficult to handle”. That’s something I’ve heard already as an infant. My mind still tells me: “No one can help you, you’re too difficult, that’s why you got depressed.”
Fuck that noise.
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I can relate to a lot of ur post. Although I didn’t ask for help, my husband did, and my mil and sil came round once when I was drunk and my husband was exasperated, they have since not once asked how I am doing. They knew I went to a mental clinic, but nothing. I am definitely resentful. If I know someone is having a hard time I send the odd follow-up message. I sometimes count up how long it has been, and I know that is bitter and pointless.
I also need to forgive my husband for his comments similar to your ‘I’m too difficult’. I probably am difficult. He can care for me and still find me difficult. I know that in my head, but my heart is still hurt and resentful and I replay the words a lot.
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I’m sorry your family has not been there for you. That must suck. I rely a lot on my friends, I’m not on deep sharing terms with my childhood family.
Not being understood, not being met in our pain can be so very hurtful. It’s like you’ve been abandoned by someone you trust. In my case, I know these people wanted to help but didn’t quite know how nor understand how serious my situation was, for whatever reason they had.
Forgiveness is really the only way to set myself free from resentment.
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I fell for it again. Affection can’t be demanded.
I don’t always believe people close to me care about me. My head says they most probably do but my heart can’t “feel” it. Whether it’s family or friends, I’m often on a look out for signs of abandonment or betrayal. When something manifests, my toxic mind goes “see, I told you so” and I crash into a lonely slump. That’s where I am at now: sad, irritable, feeling neglected and so alone.
I have insecurities and co-dependency issues that I hate to face. It hurts so much. Mom told me often what a difficult child I was. Being needy of people’s attention makes me feel I’m difficult and yet, I’m jealous of my loved ones’ attention. I can hardly hide my jealousy and it causes confusion in people.
In the midst of this, I’m trying to accept such immaturity of character with compassion. Kicking myself about it certainly hasn’t helped nor has blaming others.
How on earth does one grow up…
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In my experience, very slowly and over time. And it took a long time for me to be okay with that.
Learning, accepting and feeling self compassion and self love can be a lifelong journey of exploration. 
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I really dont know how i clicked on your original post. I thought i was clicking on another title. I appreciate your transparency and your expressed faith in Jesus! I will be praying for you @Olivia
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A lucky accident then 
Thank you.
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I really hear you. I think being needy of attention comes from not liking yourself, and needing other people to like u to make up for it. Slowly we have to learn to love ourselves, then we don’t need constant demonstrations of love from others.
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I think for many of us, we grapple with what it means to get healthy attention, either from ourselves, or from others. Neglecting our own healthy needs - often because we don’t even know what they are - is a driver for escape into addiction. As we get sober we learn about our needs; learning how to meet them in healthy, sustainable ways is (I think) important to make it work.
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Thank you @Misokatsu and @Matt. Your comments really hit home.
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One year ago …
(Edit: this day is 1 year on the forum but not sober)
I was coming to terms with the fact that I have an addiction. It was nervewracking to tell my loved ones about my shady, filthy secret. (That was my choice and decision, and definitely the right call to make.) I got a transferral to a therapist who had training in sexual issues. There were many things going on at the same time.
I also joined TS exactly a year ago, on 2nd Aug 2020. I was really shy and reserved. I didn’t show my face, tell my real name (still haven’t) nor my DOC. A few weeks in, I created this thread and posted my story. I had never told it in public so it was a big deal.
Looking back my time on the forum… I’ve changed as a person. I’ve matured. I know I’m accountable to myself and to this community, by my choice. I’ve had laughs and epiphanies. I’ve totally lost my shit, been mad as hell and hurt. I’m sure I’ve pissed ppl off too. I’ve made friends. Some of them have become so close that losing them would break my heart and I would miss them for a lifetime.
To have all this support finally, after years of pain… I’m grateful and privileged. It still astounds me that someone would reach out their hand to help me. Like, who am I?
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A wonderful unicorn 
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I’m happy I met you here Olivia. You bring light and courage and commitment to the world; you ask questions and explore. I’m grateful to have you here 
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MUCH love to you girl. I have been blessed to be in your presence for a year+ and am so thankful you came & stayed here. 
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