4 Likes
D 257
I’m so glad I’m still at this number and not day zero. I don’t pay much attention to my numbers usually but right now they keep me clean and sober 
So how do I cope?
I got on a zoom call last night and it was good to share. I resumed my regular evening routines, texted with friends to keep my head straight and took a shower in an attempt to reboot. I took inventory this morning to see wtf happened. I will take that to therapy tomorrow. Today… I’m mindful of myself. Being tired and lonely are big factors. I want to find happiness triggers for times when I’m super exhausted, like now. Easier said than done when you can only manage a bare minimum.
I’m trying to remind myself why it’s not a good idea to act out. I have set certain boundaries for my sex life to protect myself but boy, somedays I’m frustrated with it.
I could really use a long hug from a friend 
4 Likes
I’d help you out with that hug but Helsinki didn’t like my passport,
Even tho I’m busy AF, you know you can reach out.
1 Like
D 261
Divide et impera
“No, I won’t do that. I can’t control it.”
“Yes you can. You didn’t before, but you do now. If you believe you can’t gain control of yourself, that’s a problem.”
A conversation from my recent therapy session. My therapist challenged my thinking on the spot. It felt controversial at first. I’m an ADDICT, I’m supposed to ABSTAIN bc my life became unmanageable…
Addiction is like a beast. I think of the Shadow Monster in Stranger Things 3, or David, who kicked Goliath’s ass. I have no luck with my sling gun against the beast. Unless I take it apart.
Divide and conquer, in politics and sociology, is gaining and maintaining power by breaking up larger concentrations of power into pieces that individually have less power than the one implementing the strategy. What does this mean in sobriety?
There are certainly many ways and tools, like the 12 steps. I attend weekly therapy. Main goal is the same tho: you are made to face yourself. That is finding root causes of one’s addiction, addressing emotional pain, tackling toxic thought patterns and behaviours, taking care of physical health, daily rhythm, relationships, making amends etc. Here we have the beast divided into pieces. It’s definitely more manageable that way, don’t you think?
I can abstain from certain sexual behaviours but I can not block out sexuality from myself, nor do I need to. It is scary tho, to learn to manage parts of myself that have been unmanageable up until now.
7 Likes
We just had this conversation Liv,
I think some days your my therapist, and Kevin is some dude I rant to and he charges me
1 Like
Lots of respect for you!!!
1 Like
D 267
I’m overwhelmed. Nothing major happened but many little NEW things. I was in a social gathering (BBQ) after a loooong time. Saw some friends I hadn’t seen in ages. Other stuff happened too and suddenly it was just a bit too much. What’s wrong with me??
My therapist asked me this week if the forum has started to replace real life relationships for me. (Yes, I’ve told her about TS and some of you, LOL.) I know it has, no reason to deny it. Today’s BBQ was another wake up call. Time to get out of my hidey hole.
4 Likes
D 271
My country shuts down for July - it’s the most popular month for summer holiday. I will be taking a break from my therapy as my therapist is on holidays. It’s ok. I have an emergency contact if things escalate. I have friends. I have God. It’s definitely nice to allow myself some off time, although I still need to stay vigilant.
I’m visiting my folks and friends for a couple of weeks starting on Thu. It’ll be a long train ride. They always are.
5 Likes
Chorus:
I have circled around the Sun many times
Yet, there are still so many things to come
I can hardly appreciate it enough
As I’ve circled around the Sun many times,
and seen it all, the most important thing is
that you’re still here
That is enough
Monta kertaa oon kiertänyt auringon
Silti kaikki viel edessä on
En vielä osaakkaan siitä kiittää
Kun monta kertaa oon kiertänyt auringon
Kun kaiken oon nähnyt niin tärkeintä on,
Et oot siinä silloinkin
Se riittää
NINE MONTHS
Oh, look what the stork brought! A sober baby!!! 
7 Likes
Congrats 
1 Like
Thank you!
1 Like
Congratulations Olivia !
1 Like
Thank you! 
D 278
Being on a constant journey of self discovery takes interesting turns. One thought leads to another, then to a memory and boom you’re in the middle of something profound.
I followed such a path to a memory when my latest and worst depression started. Long story short, it involved a breakdown, a LOT of crying and failed attempts to find suitable help for my distress. The scales tipped not in my favour and thus a hell began.
I have resentments towards these people who failed to help me when I asked for their support. It’s not their fault, I know that. Yet, somehow I came to realise I have to forgive them. (It will be an internal process, there’s no need to reach out to them.)
I will probably need to forgive myself too for being “too difficult to handle”. That’s something I’ve heard already as an infant. My mind still tells me: “No one can help you, you’re too difficult, that’s why you got depressed.”
Fuck that noise.
6 Likes
I can relate to a lot of ur post. Although I didn’t ask for help, my husband did, and my mil and sil came round once when I was drunk and my husband was exasperated, they have since not once asked how I am doing. They knew I went to a mental clinic, but nothing. I am definitely resentful. If I know someone is having a hard time I send the odd follow-up message. I sometimes count up how long it has been, and I know that is bitter and pointless.
I also need to forgive my husband for his comments similar to your ‘I’m too difficult’. I probably am difficult. He can care for me and still find me difficult. I know that in my head, but my heart is still hurt and resentful and I replay the words a lot.
1 Like
I’m sorry your family has not been there for you. That must suck. I rely a lot on my friends, I’m not on deep sharing terms with my childhood family.
Not being understood, not being met in our pain can be so very hurtful. It’s like you’ve been abandoned by someone you trust. In my case, I know these people wanted to help but didn’t quite know how nor understand how serious my situation was, for whatever reason they had.
Forgiveness is really the only way to set myself free from resentment.
2 Likes
I fell for it again. Affection can’t be demanded.
I don’t always believe people close to me care about me. My head says they most probably do but my heart can’t “feel” it. Whether it’s family or friends, I’m often on a look out for signs of abandonment or betrayal. When something manifests, my toxic mind goes “see, I told you so” and I crash into a lonely slump. That’s where I am at now: sad, irritable, feeling neglected and so alone.
I have insecurities and co-dependency issues that I hate to face. It hurts so much. Mom told me often what a difficult child I was. Being needy of people’s attention makes me feel I’m difficult and yet, I’m jealous of my loved ones’ attention. I can hardly hide my jealousy and it causes confusion in people.
In the midst of this, I’m trying to accept such immaturity of character with compassion. Kicking myself about it certainly hasn’t helped nor has blaming others.
How on earth does one grow up…
4 Likes
In my experience, very slowly and over time. And it took a long time for me to be okay with that.
Learning, accepting and feeling self compassion and self love can be a lifelong journey of exploration. 
2 Likes
I really dont know how i clicked on your original post. I thought i was clicking on another title. I appreciate your transparency and your expressed faith in Jesus! I will be praying for you @Olivia
2 Likes