Whatta lovely nugget 
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D 326
Not much to report but checking in anyway. My therapy is going well and yet I’m a bit antsy about it. It’s easy to talk - I don’t have a problem with that. Facing my feelings, stemming from early childhood, isn’t that easy. It’s so fucking scary and so fucking necessary. I don’t want to be ruled by them anymore.
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Yup, I know that feeling all too well
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D 328
Almost relapsed.
I was able to pull myself out in the last minute. I was in a bored slump for most of the day. That was my gateway into it. Should have gone for a walk in the afternoon instead of staying in.
Ashamed and annoyed.
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Definitely gotta be careful with boredom. I get the shame and annoyance but I’d say it’s a milestone. You resisted that evil son of a bitch. You did a great job because resisting that fucker is hard, really hard. 
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Good on ya for resisting that gremlin!!! You got this. And I know you know this, but I’ll just put this out here, you know you can call me anytime my beautiful friend. Hugs xx
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I don’t know about ur doc, but my “dodged bullets” make me feel stronger, in the end.
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Didn’t know where to post this so imma stick it here, LOL
@OldDogNewTricks Hey Kai, I was watching this and thought of you 
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Brooklyn nine-nine is awesome.
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It’s not playing! But my curiosity is way up!
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D 356
I’ve been reading/glancing through my old journals from 2016 forward. It’s been thrilling and heart breaking. So much anxiety, pain, despair and darkness in my head and heart that it’s overwhelming. And yet, I was holding myself up to even a higher level of performance. Hating myself for being so “weak and broken”.
Yet, in the midst of it all I’ve written over and over again “Jesus I surrender, please help me, make a way, create new”. You know what tribe, HE HAS. I couldn’t see it or really feel it I was just on my knees crying. He did it, sovereignly, he brought me through.
I’m still trying to cope, fight my gremlins, not drown in anxiety.
But my Saviour is with me, He loves me.
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D 359
Not welcome
I’ve struggled with social exclusion as long as I can remember. Low self-esteem, being chubby, bullying at school, rejections in relationships… and my internalised truth that I’m not wanted among people and certain functions.
I’ve not been to indoor pools / swim halls in years. I don’t want to be looked at, I know I’m obese. I don’t feel welcome in a pool bc I’m slow and clumsy.
Most people probably have other things going through their head than looking on and judging me. Even if they did, is it my problem? So not being welcome is in my head.
I went to a pool today. I was inspired by @CATMANCAM 's courage 
It was a good experience. I did aqua jogging for 30 minutes. I’ll probably go again.
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I relate to all of this. Currently struggling to get back into it on a regular basis, but I really want to. So proud of you, it takes a lot to do the thing despite all the noise going on in your head. 
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I am so proud of you!!!
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I am fucking proud of you Olivia. This is a very inspiring read
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Thank you @anon57836609 @Its_me_Stella @CATMANCAM 
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Guess my murica FRO attitude hasn’t stuck with you yet.
The noise in our heads will always tell us the negative aspects of things, how we don’t fit in, how we won’t ever be accepted For who or what we are we find reasons to let that headspace define our life and lifestyle.
For years my burn scar made me avoid swimming, people asked questions wanted to know, who what why etc, it was annoying easier to just avoid it all together,
Then I got creative people asked dumb questions I gave them dumb answers, yeah I got set on fire by the mafia, or burned off a tattoo, yeah I came up with many, eventually they stopped asking, And I learned to embrace it as part of who I am.
Kevin used to have this thing we would do every week, called let that shit be, from the Beatles song Let It Be you take a piece of paper, and whatever noise is in your head, you write it down, look it over, and then throw it out, burn it. Whatever you wish, placebo or effective shit really works
Either way I’m proud of you, your taking steps into your own life and making strides in so many ways,
People judge let them, when I got reassigned teams at work, I was already prejudged, most of my team is predominately black females in their 20s and needless to say they met me, this older white dude who’s into metal, from NEPA, and has a law enforcement background, the first thing they thought was well where’s his pickup truck and pitchforks at?
In a few days they got to know me, and that was that,
Your inner voice can speak to you, but you don’t have to listen, if you enjoyed yourself, that’s all that matters your there for you. Besides we have talked and how you want to get into some sort of fitness routine, water aerobics is amazing cardio.
TLDR.
Cliffnotes
Fuck Shit Bullocks other peoples opinions of you
Fuck shit bullocks that inner demon whispering in your ear
You do you, the more you do you, the more confident you’ll be with yourself and others. The more approachable you’ll be, people will learn who Liv is, and the rest is just noise
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Kiitos.
101010
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