Good night Honey Bee 
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D 356
I’ve been reading/glancing through my old journals from 2016 forward. It’s been thrilling and heart breaking. So much anxiety, pain, despair and darkness in my head and heart that it’s overwhelming. And yet, I was holding myself up to even a higher level of performance. Hating myself for being so “weak and broken”.
Yet, in the midst of it all I’ve written over and over again “Jesus I surrender, please help me, make a way, create new”. You know what tribe, HE HAS. I couldn’t see it or really feel it I was just on my knees crying. He did it, sovereignly, he brought me through.
I’m still trying to cope, fight my gremlins, not drown in anxiety.
But my Saviour is with me, He loves me.
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D 359
Not welcome
I’ve struggled with social exclusion as long as I can remember. Low self-esteem, being chubby, bullying at school, rejections in relationships… and my internalised truth that I’m not wanted among people and certain functions.
I’ve not been to indoor pools / swim halls in years. I don’t want to be looked at, I know I’m obese. I don’t feel welcome in a pool bc I’m slow and clumsy.
Most people probably have other things going through their head than looking on and judging me. Even if they did, is it my problem? So not being welcome is in my head.
I went to a pool today. I was inspired by @CATMANCAM 's courage 
It was a good experience. I did aqua jogging for 30 minutes. I’ll probably go again.
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I relate to all of this. Currently struggling to get back into it on a regular basis, but I really want to. So proud of you, it takes a lot to do the thing despite all the noise going on in your head. 
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I am so proud of you!!!
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I am fucking proud of you Olivia. This is a very inspiring read
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Guess my murica FRO attitude hasn’t stuck with you yet.
The noise in our heads will always tell us the negative aspects of things, how we don’t fit in, how we won’t ever be accepted For who or what we are we find reasons to let that headspace define our life and lifestyle.
For years my burn scar made me avoid swimming, people asked questions wanted to know, who what why etc, it was annoying easier to just avoid it all together,
Then I got creative people asked dumb questions I gave them dumb answers, yeah I got set on fire by the mafia, or burned off a tattoo, yeah I came up with many, eventually they stopped asking, And I learned to embrace it as part of who I am.
Kevin used to have this thing we would do every week, called let that shit be, from the Beatles song Let It Be you take a piece of paper, and whatever noise is in your head, you write it down, look it over, and then throw it out, burn it. Whatever you wish, placebo or effective shit really works
Either way I’m proud of you, your taking steps into your own life and making strides in so many ways,
People judge let them, when I got reassigned teams at work, I was already prejudged, most of my team is predominately black females in their 20s and needless to say they met me, this older white dude who’s into metal, from NEPA, and has a law enforcement background, the first thing they thought was well where’s his pickup truck and pitchforks at?
In a few days they got to know me, and that was that,
Your inner voice can speak to you, but you don’t have to listen, if you enjoyed yourself, that’s all that matters your there for you. Besides we have talked and how you want to get into some sort of fitness routine, water aerobics is amazing cardio.
TLDR.
Cliffnotes
Fuck Shit Bullocks other peoples opinions of you
Fuck shit bullocks that inner demon whispering in your ear
You do you, the more you do you, the more confident you’ll be with yourself and others. The more approachable you’ll be, people will learn who Liv is, and the rest is just noise
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Kiitos.
101010
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I had to look that up
Now I know two Finnish words lol
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Congratulations @Olivia that was a big door you opened! Wishing you many happy times in the pool!
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D 360
Man, I was having weird dreams last night.
I was working (I think) in a university/conference centre. Then I was involved in a group kidnapping musicians and forcing them to make illegal music?? (I know right, so odd!!) For a short while I was having (consensual) sex with a man at the conference centre and OMG is was good. I’m not sorry and I can’t say I wish I didn’t have that dream. I do notice that my thoughts go to sex easily today so I gotta be mindful in that sense. Probably hormonal too.
I’ve felt guilty about EVERYTHING relating to sex in my life for all of my life and I’m fucking tired of it. Pun intended. No, I’m not gonna go breaking my boundaries but I think I’m onto something here.
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You been hanging around me too long I introducing you to new music lol
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Haha, I know you try but metal just isn’t my genre 
Runs and hides before metal lovers stone me
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D 361
Started my vocational rehabilitation today. Filling out forms, questionnaires, telling about myself, my life, fears, strengths, friends, plans (what plans? LOL) and interests. It wasn’t heavy but it was a lot since I was doing most of the talking for 3 hours.
It went well.
But I’m still nervous! Yikes!
It’s ok.
Tomorrow: my CV and some more forms.
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I have to fill out semiannual evaluations for work and essentially sell myself to my supervisors, sounds a lot like what you are doing. It is the most mind-numbing and exhausting of all tasks and by the time I’m finished it feels like I’ve had screws tapped into my eyes and the pit in my stomach is heavy enough to sink me through the floor. It’s so hard to say good things about myself sometimes
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D 362
Today was my 2nd day in voc.rehab. I spent it making my resume. I hadn’t updated it for years + technical difficulties so it took a while… But I’m happy with it. Hopefully it’ll help me land jobs in the future.
Visited some friends, a family, in the afternoon. They have LOADS of rhubarb in their garden and they happily gave me a whole bag of it. My freezer overfloeth, LOL.
Grateful for a beautiful day.
Grateful I have friends.
Grateful I have keys.
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D 363
So I had an interesting inner dialogue today.
Me: Today I’m gonna do this and this and that and this…
My body: Nah, nope.
Me: Oh yes I am! I have it all planned.
Body: I don’t care about your plans. That’s not gonna happen.
Me: Huh? No?? What ya mean?
Body: I’m exhausted.
Me: But you can’t be! There’s stuff to do! Pull yourself together!!! 
Body: EXCUSE ME MISS! I haven’t slept well for 2 nights, I’ve been working hard on rehab, spending more time than usual with people, cycling and not to mention that YOU stayed up zooming way too late last night when I was begging to go to bed, but NOOO. If I’m tired, then I’m tired and I can’t help it so would you cut me some slack huh? Extend some of the mercy your keep talking about to others??
Me: 
Erm… Right… Uhum, you do have a point. Sorry.
Body: Thank you. You have 5 minutes to get to our sofa before I crash.
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congratulations!