D 181 "If it affects your sleep, it affects everything else"
Firstly, dear reader, no one’s taking away your chocolate, ice cream or donuts. Relax.
I decided to conduct a little experiment a month ago: no white/added sugar during March. Now, I know you could go to an extreme with this but I set boundaries that suited me: fruit and products sweetened with fruit sugar are ok whereas coke zero sorta stuff isn’t.
How did it go?
I craved for sugar every single day, sometimes more sometimes less but all in all it was tolerable.
I was surprised that my weight didn’t seem to be affected. I was expecting to lose a bit. Furthermore, it is interesting how deeply rooted thoughts I have about romanticising (white) sugar. “I can’t live without it! I need my daily treat!” Umm, really?
However, I was most surprised about how much my sleep quality improved. It’s just staggering! I’ve been able to function and think most days.
I’m still at crossroads thinking how to implement this in the long run. I will have cakes, pulla, chocolate and ice cream but I do see the need to evaluate my relationship with sugar. If it affects my sleep it affects everything.
However, I’m proud of you making through the struggles of no white sugar, you have been sleeping better, And been overall healthier,
I think it’s a matter of finding balance in your ways, like you love your sweets, and my lasagna, but if you limit it you might feel better. Almost like a reward
Interesting as you know I grew up in a small town, population about 1k, dying coal industry depressed area, jobs were not of plenty and the ones that did exist were not very well paying.
My first visits to the city were in my teens, philly & DC where common, however I fell in love with the city. After a few years post military in the small town i moved to the city, then to another, and another. I’ve been living in cities for years. Thinking this was the life.
I’m about to trade it all in again for small town living. Because while the commute, amenities and convenience might be here, the feel and love in the small town is so much more welcoming
I am, beyond all words, extremely deprived of your lasagna and I think it’s affecting our friendship
However, donut deprivation will end tomorrow or at least be paused. I will hobble to a shop and back with my dissected toe, LOL. If they’re out of donuts again, I’ll settle for chocolate.
D 183
I wonder what my mind is working on with all these relapse dreams and nightmares. Surely I have my life experiences and the shit I’ve watched. Horror films. Porn.
Stop reading now if you can’t deal. I have to write this somewhere. EDIT: I want to clarify that I have not experienced this in real life, thank God.
If it’s not a zombie apocalypse and the world ending…then it’s me being grabbed, bound and raped by group of people, in various ways. Doesn’t matter if I scream, fight back, beg, co-operate - I don’t get away unless I wake up. In my dream on the night prior to writing this, I witnessed another woman’s rape and murder, and then they made me dispose her body.
I’m realising it’s a dual thing. Being forced is wrong and terrifying and makes me sick. My sex life started with an abusive partner, so…in some fucked up, twisted way I like it but hate it too. That makes me even sicker. That’s not the kind of vibe I want to project in my surroundings nor to attract. Obviously.
I’m shaky and disgusted writing this. But it’s out now.
Thanks for sharing Olivia. I hope it helps you a little bit. This is extremely hard stuff. My sex life started way too young with an abusive teacher at elementary school. Some of the ideas he let loose on me stayed with me and form part of my sexuality until today. Or where they already there and did he only reinforce them? Anyway, his interference with my normal sexual development has fucked me up big time. All this guilt, all this shame, all this feeling sick of myself and my thoughts. Bottom line is I didn’t have sex for something like 7 years now I think. I wish I could but I don’t know how. And yes there’s porn too of course.
Thanks for sharing. You helped me just now. You’re not alone friend. Hugs.
@Mno My heart breaks for you Menno. No one, absolutely no one, should have to go through what you have. I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing tho, I respect it greatly. I understand some of that, I also gave up sex years ago to protect myself. Cost of sobriety I guess. It’s not fair victims pay for their perpetrators greed. We pick up what we have left and make something of a life of it. I wish you all the best on your journey and hoping your therapy could take you to a better new whatever it could be
Thank you for everyone who dared to comment. I understand it’s not an easy issue. Even I don’t know what to make of it. It’s hard to ask for help with emotional struggles bc I’m terrified that I’m not “seen”, I’m too much, too difficult for others.
You know, Olivia, silence is death. When we remain silent we are 100% sure we won’t be seen. So thanks for opening up. It means a lot. I’m not saying we should blurt anything out for the whole world to see and hear. It’s super sensitive stuff so let’s tread carefully, Mind your step. But we do need to communicate and share. if we keep it all inside we’ll die. I will die. And I’m not ready to die yet. Thanks again. Big big hugs.
