I’ve been pretty hesitant to make my own post on here. And I don’t know where to start. It’s been a pretty couple crazy years for sure. Almost dying. Driving 900 miles to buy drugs. Sleeping in my car. All to try and get off suboxone and relapsing in the process. It’s not the the taper is difficult as in feeling withdrawl symptoms. It’s the cravings and relapsing on fentanyl everytime I get down to a low dose. It will be 3 years on subs come the end of May. It feels like yesterday I was in Florida. Laying in my moms bed so strung out after a 3 day binge. I remember all the news of that school shooting in Texas at the time thinking wtf has the world came to. Watching YouTube videos how to take suboxone. Scared as hell I was going to go into precipitated withdrawals. And luckily I have yet to ever go through that. Well I’ll start over. I got a job working with the Jacksonville Jaguars and hired on with the NFL back summer 2022. The cost of living with a seasonal job it would be a struggle to live in Florida. I’d have to get a roommate or live in the hood. The whole 3 1/2 years in Florida was a struggle. And I would rather struggle back in my hometown so I left. I actually managed to stay clean over 400 days. Until I relapsed summer 2023. I was scare shitless. Here I was with enough fentanyl to kill probably hundreds or thousands of people in my possession on me. The thought of getting pulled over and that paranoia came back. A feeling that I don’t miss. This new fent analogs break through the subs everytime. The suboxone doesn’t even stand a chance to block it. And from there the relapses started. Looking at my sober app and journal that I use to track my sub dose I can can’t over 40 relapses. I overdosed on Halloween 2023 and luckily was found in my car and rushed to the hospital where I got into a outpatient and was able to acquire more subs. Oh yeah must I say I’ve been doing this taper all by myself with no doctor. Finding subs on the internet and people to buy them from and then ship them through the mail. I went back down to Florida though end of 2023 to help my mom move and I relapsed down there. My mental health was one the worst it ever was. Non stop panic attacks insomnia and anxiety. I struggles day after day thinking everyday was going to be the day my anxiety caused me to go into cardiac arrest and kill me till I couldn’t take the anxiety anymore. I called 911 one night thinking this panic attack is going to be the one to do it. I relapsed and felt the relief instantly. Not even scared of death that this drug can cause. After the high was over the anxiety came back even worse. I left Florida officially for good February 2024. I stayed clean for a good month but have relapsed at least once a month. I even ran into Theo Von at the horseshoe casino downtown St Louis and vomited everywhere in front of him. So embarrassing. I kept hearing about people getting the sublocade shot and since getting health insurance this year I started looking for doctors. I called every number on that website they all said nope. Well I finally found a doctor across the river in Illinois that does it. This shot is $2000 dollars by the way. My insurance will cover it with a 50 dollar co pay. But after reading the side effects I freaked myself out and haven’t went to get it. I can’t stand being over medicated on bupe. I took a full 8mg strip and my girlfriend accused me of being high. Feeling so manic like you want to jump out of your own body that’s how restless I get. So here I am. 30 days clean today. I’m glad this doctor is free and my insurance covers the strips. I don’t have to pay a penny. I’m going to try again to taper off this shit for the 50th time. I hope I can do this and stay clean and not relapse. I want to be off this shit. I want my old self back. And I don’t want to start having dental problems either. I’m so sick of the constipation and my gut being blowded because this stuff makes you so constipated. I’m going to do it this time. I’m on 2mgs and going to do a quick taper and go through the hell of the withdrawals. The shot scares the shit out of me too much. I know I can do this. I might need your help and check in. I don’t care if you don’t struggle with opioid addiction I just need someone to fucking talk to. July will be 10 years dealing with opioid use disorder. I don’t want to make it 11.
Sorry to hear about your struggle. Opioids aren’t my thing but I’m posting to say I read your post and I can hear your struggle. It’s awful.
Hopefully someone else can offer some insight. Take care and don’t give up. Search everywhere for insight and accountability. Try some meetings, www.NA.org or one of these (Resources for our recovery). It’s one day at a time 
[quote=“Dalex_2, post:1, topic:193375”]
sublocade shot What are the possible side effects of SUBLOCADE?
- Trouble breathing. …
- Sleepiness, dizziness, and problems with coordination.
- Physical dependence.
- Liver problems. …
- Your healthcare provider should do blood tests to check your liver before you start and during treatment with SUBLOCADE.
- Allergic reaction. …
- Opioid withdrawal.
[/quote] try a NA meeting lots of like minded people there who have been were u are now wish you well
I read some hopeful stuff there Dan. Glad to read it. And nobody can do it alone in the end. So it’s more than ‘might need our help’. You need our help, with us meaning other addicts whatever the substance and wherever you find it. Good you’re here. Let’s do this. You know you can.
I don’t know what those things are, but like @Matt said, I read your post and I pray you’ll get better and better, friend. Keep coming back here, please, and check in everyday if you can. I look forward to reading your posts. 
Thank you for your honesty, Dan. I know how difficult it is to admit a drug has such a hold on us. Controlling every fiber of our being. I’m glad you’re still here with us to share your experience. Fent has taken too many lives, I don’t want you to be another statistic.
When you have time, read @Sarahyab topics. I’m sure you’ll find a lot of relatable experiences. Unfortunately, she lost her husband, but thankfully found recovery herself. Very inspirational! Here’s a link to a podcast she did.
Keep checking in with us, as much as needed. You’re going to do it this time.