That’s right bro. Keep fighting every day. Lots of ups and downs in this journey.
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Too many downs for my liking but I’m learning!
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Been triggered lately. I had a very spicy dream about my wife from back when we were dating which has led me to search social media for things that looked similar. Recognizing the steps, I’m making the conscious choice to stop, reassess what I’m doing, and be accountable to my brothers here. I haven’t searched for porn, but I’ve seen some pictures that are inappropriate and backed away each time.
I refuse to enter that darkness again, I refuse to swim in those waters. I’m committed to my recovery, and choose to use this experience as a reminder of what I’m fighting for. I’m not about to throw away six months of sobriety because of a dream.
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Amen bro. Similar experiences lately. Been tempted to go on social media… noticing beautiful women more lately…… I think after almost 5 months and 6 months in your case, we will have moments where we have to remind ourselves just how far we’ve come and what our boundaries are. I have to constantly self talk to get through the day. 20+ years of poison is allot. We have to be patient with ourselves too…… there are peaks and valleys in the road to recovery……. It’s the not giving in part that I’m focused on. Temptation will come and go, but if I can just win those moments I will be much better for it. Let’s stay by that fire……porn free streak and integrity in tact, thankful we’ve made it another day free.
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I have no interest in porn atm, I am currently seeing women and had have sex. I feel the swiping on the apps can get me a rush seeing all the different ladies. I haven’t gone from the app to porn. 
trying to be in the moment and the urge.
But there is a great difference in how I communicate with them. I don’t feel as desperate as I used to. I have a larger drive to meet them and feel more confident. It’s like porn tranquilized me before. Also being in the desire not turning away from it or hide it from those feelings. I’m actually having more fun on the dates, flirting more, being in the moment and not up in my head full with anxiety. So blessed for being part of this community, sharing, reading your stories and got to learn of the easypeasy method.
I gave the easypeasy link to a friend and he has been of for some weeks now. Saying he sees no interest in it any more.
Hope every one of us some day will walk free from porn. Have a great weekend!
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Hello brother,
I invite you to come join the ! A little about me, I started this community back in December after a very painful relapse with PMO. I had struggled with pornography off and on for the past 18-19 years - the worst of it being the last 4. When I finally saw what I was doing to my marriage and to my soul, I finally took the steps necessary to find lasting recovery by checking into a ten week intensive program for PMO recovery. There I found the tools and companionship that helped me finally break free.
Now, I’m angry. I’m angry at the darkness that took so much of my life, so I decided to start a fire in the dark and invite all those who struggled just like I did to find warmth, companionship, and accountability. None of us have to be alone anymore. I and many others in this group understand the pain and damage PMO has caused, so come, sit by our , share your story, share what’s worked for you in the past, and be accountable. Whatever your individual goals, you can achieve them! If you need anything, we’re here for each other.
Rage against the dying of the light🔥
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Standing here today a few days past 8 months of sobriety, in gratitude to a 19 day intensive rehab I went to and sober living house. Electronics taken away and little contact from the outside allowed for a break in a long cycle of PMO. Living gratefully in my recovery program amd outer circle living. Now turning my drive and focus in becoming an addiction counselor.
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Thank you for the recommendation, I will check it out.
Also just wanted to say that I really liked your caged bird analagy. I often feel like that, freedom is a big motivator, but sometimes I almost can’t remember the last time I had good healthy sex with my wife as it’s been so long now.
I feel the same. I’ve had the desire to be a sponsor after finding my recovery as well.
Thank you for the invitation, & being so welcoming. I’ve always been hesitant on joining the community on here, as well as other places where I’ve turned for support / motivation. I usually prefer to just read what others have to say, & try to find something that helps me when I need it. But the thing is I’ve learned that that works fine when I’m doing well in my journey, but when things start to turn south & I start thinking about entering the “darkness” as you call it, none of the stuff I’ve read helps then when I actually NEED it. So I’ve decided to put myself into the light, & let it shine on me so I always feel like I have what I need even in the face of said “darkness”. That’s ultimately why I’m here, to seek support, community, & accountability. If I stay in the light, the “darkness” can’t get me there. Or at least I can feel like I have the power to send it away.
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Part 1. Before PMO ( substance abuse trigger warning 
)
For anybody who’s interested, this is about me & my life story. I am 20yrs old, when I was around 16yrs old I started to try & experiment with drugs ( just for fun, nothing serious ). It didn’t take long for that path to lead to abuse, dependence, & ultimately a serious addiction. I was buying & taking anything I could get my hands on, as much as I could possibly get. & mixing everything I was abusing together without a single care in the world. I was reckless, & careless. I was inflicting a lot of unnecessary pain onto myself as well as onto others who wanted to be around me & partake in the same things. I was quite literally heading down a path that would have ended my life very early. I got lucky though, the life I was living caught up to me. I had managed to hide it very well for months, maybe longer I don’t remember. But eventually my mother found out, & then my family. My mother immediately found me help & support through counseling, with whom I met someone who would change my life forever & be pivotal in what would happen next. I wasn’t happy about it. About getting caught, about the counseling, about being removed from my toxic environment, none of it. I wasn’t ready myself. So even though I was getting the right help, I wasn’t all in. When I could get away from my family, which was hard. I used & abused the same as I had before, only this time I felt bad about it. Which I never cared before. I knew I was breaking my promise & commit to my mother, that I was secretly hurting her. I knew I was lying to my counselor, & not allowing him to help me. But after a few times getting high again, all that faded away. I stopped caring again. At this point I wasn’t seeking help anymore, I was back on my own with no accountability, & the guilt my mother laid on me had no weight anymore. I was doing more drugs than I ever had, I was pushing my limits & it showed. After a while of this craziness, one night in particular, where I was mixing alot of substances together, something happened that night that changed my life & outlook forever. I couldn’t breathe very well, & my heart was pounding. Not a normal kind of pounding from exhaustion or nerves. It felt like a cry for help from my own heart. So I went outside to get some air, it was raining. I ended up collapsing onto the grass right outside in the rain, not being able to breathe. Unable to catch my breath, my heart still pounding. Sharp pain in my chest, & a feeling that I had done too much that night. I was pushing my limits & that night I finally reached them. I didn’t really know what was happening to me, it felt like it lasted forever. No one came to check on me, no one knew what was happening. I thought I might need a ambulance, although I knew I couldn’t call one myself because of my mom. I thought that maybe that night was going to be my last, that maybe I wouldn’t make it through this experience I was having. I started making pleas with god ( I’m not very religious more spiritual ) but I started making pleas anyways. I promised to stop what I was doing to myself, I promised to get clean, to take the right steps to get there. I promised to turn my life around. & in what seemed like forever, I was finally able to catch my breath. The pain in my chest faded. & I was able to breath again. I got up off the ground, confused about what had just happened to me. I walked back into the garage where everyone was, & I sat down, told no one that I almost died outside, & I waited for the night to be over, putting nothing else in my body. I was glad the night was over, I was glad I saw the sun rise again, I was glad to wake up the next morning & be able to go home & see my family. After this experience I was officially afraid of drugs. I was scared too use, I thought twice about it every time. It wasn’t long after this, that I decided for myself I wanted to quit. I went back to see my counselor, & was honest with him about where I’d been. What I was doing, what I experienced, & how I was sorry. That I was ready to do the work to get better, for real this time. & he welcomed me back with open arms. I removed all the toxic people from my life, & distanced myself as far as I could from all substances. I changed my life for good. I became & stayed sober. Not without difficultly, the withdrawals where quite bad for a long time. But eventually they went away, & eventually they stopped coming back. I’ve been sober from substance abuse for years & years now. I don’t keep track anymore because I don’t need too, so much time has gone by that it feels so far removed I sometimes forget it’s a part of my past. That experience I had that night, outside in the rain, changed my life forever. In the best of ways.
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Part 2. After substance abuse ( when I discover my problematic relationship with PMO )
Once I became sober from substance abuse, I felt like I could see so clearly. I had a new outlook on everything, everything was as if I was seeing it for the first time. Everything was a gift. I was proud of myself. Life was great. Even in the glow of the amazing obstacle I had just finally overcome, after so much work, there was going to be another one that made itself known quickly. Welcome in PMO. I never realized that porn was dangerous or problematic, I always thought it was just this great thing FOR guys. ( I never thought about how it affected women, & what they thought about it. I obviously do now. ) I had habitually used it the same way I always had, only it became more controlling over me. Instead of 10-15 mins in the bathroom, or in my room during the day, it was 6-8 hours on a Saturday night. Starting as soon as my family went to sleep, & not ending until after the sun came up. By the end of the night I would be chafed down there, rubbed painfully raw, I’d be exhausted & drained mentally, & I’d have to delete all the pics & videos I took to send to random women I thought might want them. This would repeat over & over, every weekend, every chance that I got, I spent as much time watching porn as I could. It seeped into my relationships as well, I couldn’t connect with women on any level except sexually. & even there I couldn’t connect unless porn was involved. I was hurting myself unnecessarily a lot, & often. Even hurting others in the process. Just like I had done with substances. I had replaced my past addiction, with a new one. I was not yet free, a new mountain had gotten in front of me. & I had to learn to climb it. So after a while of this behavior, & reaching new extremes, I finally hit the lowest point I could tolerate. I had done too much damage, inflicted too much pain onto myself, & I needed to a make a change. I needed to stop this behavior & climb the mountain again. So with those intentions in mind, with the motivation to change who I was becoming, I sought help & resources. For the next 2+ years I would try over & over & over, countless times, so many that i can’t remember, to quit PMO. With various success & failures. My first time I failed after 9 days. But my 2nd I got serious, I hit my goal of 90 days no PMO & I reached 100+ days when finally I hit my stride & failed. Back on the horse. That process would continue for a very long time, months & months. I would struggle again & again to reach that stride again & surpass it. Throughout this time I changed my approach a lot, followed different schools of thought, sought support in different communities, & was desperate to make each attempt count. Hoping to finally have a lasting freedom. Eventually after being on the cusp of a new year, going into it with a lot of days under my belt. Feeling confident, I was able to reach the stride I hit a long while back. I was able to pass it, & start a new one. Month after month I was clean. I hit 6 months, for the first time throughout this journey. With little to no slip ups, I wasn’t perfect, but I was committed the whole time. Then I hit 9 months, I had some minor slips up, nothing serious, & was still committed. 1 year was coming up soon. I believe I clocked out at about 9-1/5 months. So about 300 days more or less. My life wasn’t stable at this time, things were not good. After all the time I had spent in freedom, I decided to retreat into captivity. Just this once of course. But it happened a few other times within a couple of months. That was last year. Now, currently, after struggling in recent months to stay committed to myself. I am 100+ days free from porn, I recently had a mild slip up. No porn use, thankfully. Kept my commitment. But I did fall into a trap of triggering TikTok videos & triggering ASMR videos on YouTube. Which I MO too. I am now looking to quit MO for the next 90 days in order to give my brain a full reboot. This time around, I have previously gone 50 days, then tried to MO mindfully & had some success but couldn’t stay disciplined & had some compulsive habits come back. So I decided to take another break, 30 days. Then I compulsively MO again because of a wet dream I had earlier that triggered me. So now in order to break that compulsive behavior, I’m going the full 90 days no MO before I even think of anything else. I’ve already committed as much as I can to quitting porn. Everything in the past does not define me. It’s the past. I conquered this mountain before, I can do it again. I know this. & I will. MO is what I need the most help & support with currently, as it’s my biggest struggle ATM. Thank you to anybody who read my extremely long honestly rants, but stories actually. I want to put myself out there, into the light, I want to take the power away from PMO so that it cannot control me. & this is how I’m choosing to do that.
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Thanks for sharing mate. You overcame your substance abuse issues so you can overcome this too 
This part I can relate to. So glad to have put that all behind me
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If I could physically shake your hand, I would. You’ve overcome some very serious challenges brother. I’ve never struggled with substance abuse, but my porn use was sure a struggle.
One thing I feel I can relate to was when you had your moment on the grass - you’re heart was pounding, your chest hurt, the pain of your addiction became too heavy to bear. After that, the pain of recovery was almost welcome as long as you never engaged in that activity again. That’s where I was at my last relapse in September. I remember the pain of telling my wife what I’d done, I remember laying on the floor in my home office wishing for death because I’d caused so much pain. I had no appetite, I had the s**** for two weeks straight, it was hard! But it was what I needed to learn that pornography was not FOR men as you said, it was a poison and it had to go.
Thank you for your honesty. It’s how we start the path of healing.
As far as your recovery from PMO - just remember, your sober timer doesn’t determine your recovery. Yes it’s a part of it, obviously we want our time to be longer and longer, but just because you slip doesn’t mean you would start back at square one. Keep focusing on all those times you won! Focus on all the times you made the choice not to engage. If you’re ratio of choosing not to engage and “little slips” keeps getting better, well that’s a win brother!
Stay by the fire, stay by the light
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Thank you for reading my posts, I really appreciate that. I’m glad you found something in my story that you could relate too. & thank you for the wise, kind words. I intend on sticking around here for a while, I’m liking it. You seem like a great person within this community, looking forward to knowing you better. Your story is great & awe inspiring as well.
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Man i have so much to say after reading your post. You’ve been through so much in our journey to overcome addictions. I can relate to you on a number of levels. I had a moment after a relapse when I wanted to die. I called an anonymous hotline to speak to someone about my addiction, i was too ashamed to tell my wife for the 100th time. I was at the end. After coming forward and confessing multiple times, i got free, only to stumble many many times after that. We are at war. IT’s the constant struggle. You have people who have been addicted to porn and free for 10 years say after 10 years the desire/images/curiosity all still there, tho controlled. I myself am at 140 days free today, and yet i was trigged by a youtube ad that multiple times i clicked under ‘i dont want to see again, inappropriate’ and it started popping up again, i searched for the people and stopped at an 18 years or older notification, finally snapping me out of it. Been doing great for 140 days, let my guard down once, and I almost fail. *AND YET I DIDN’T I came right to TS and READ YOUR STORY. It was a strong reminder what we are all trying to overcome and you will have your days, moments, but if you can defeat that moment (via getting up, calling a sponsor, pushups, anything) to get past that moment, youve won the day. MO puts your brain right back to that addiction state. You research what happens to our brain with stimuli/videos, you get a real picture of what the heck is really going on. After 20 years, i was introduced on this site to The Easy way of quiting porn. It’s a book written by Allen Carr. This book’s point of view on PMO changed my view of things. Last year from march to october, every 7.9 days i had a relapse. Probably my worst stretch in 20 years. I relapsed on November 17th, 2021. I read the book in 2 days and i haven’t had issues since. Nothing, no withdrawals for the first 100 days. Since then, i still have to work hard on triggering things, like i saw today. It wasn’t porn by any stretch, but it triggered me. The book likens looking at porn to drinking bleach. We have alot of tools that have been posted that will be very helpful on our journey with us. My goal is 365 days free and beyond. I work hard everyday on my self talk to see people as people and not just hips, butts, thighs etc. I will never drink that bleach again, because i am free. You mentioned going back to captivity, i can’t go back. I’ve worked too hard to get to this point. Again, nice to meet you, and let’s move forward, every single day.
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Thank you for reading. & for the wise, kind words. I appreciate it. I’m grateful I’ve put those kinds of nights in the past as well, I haven’t been in a cycle that destructive pretty much since I decided I had a problem. I’ve of course still had moments of weakness since then ( we all have ) but nothing like what I was doing to myself before I realized I was causing damage. Now I just want to put those moments of weakness in the pass, & never look back. 
We all can do it, that I know for sure.
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Wow everything you said was so inspiring, & even though I’m just meeting you, I am SO SO glad that instead of taking a dark path you decided to open this app, & out of all things, read my story & let that wake you back up to the commitment you made to yourself. That was beautiful to read. I am beyond happy you made that choice & won the battle going on inside you. Grateful to be able to be apart of that. Your story is great & real, just like the other ones I’ve read & heard. I’m grateful that you finally after so much time & hardships, stumbled upon something that made a difference in your freedom & well being. I’m glad your journey has gotten easy, I’m glad you’ve managed to stay on the right path. I hope many more milestones come your way & I wish for less & less roadblocks along your journey. You are a miracle of being my guy, keep on shinning. It’s a pleasure to meet you by the way, as I’ve been saying, thank you for reading my story & for the kind words. It’s appreciated.
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Also, I am going to have to check out that book! Sounds incredible.
Really appreciate your kind words, trust me, it’s been a battle everyday and I appreciate you opening up and getting on paper everything your going through. One thing i need to add: I am not on social media, this is my social media. I know all about tik-tok/those youtube videos you mentioned, as this was my life all last year. I dont even like typing the Acronym,
it’s all straight up bleach. The combination of understanding the science of your brain and porn combined with the realization of what’s really happening to you, helped me to Wake up! Bro, it’s simple: Brainwashing. Check that book out bro!
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