PMO - Porn, Masturbation, Recovery

Life in Recovery
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Great discussion here brothers, I’m glad we’ve been able to share so much and relate on a very personal level.

As I was driving around town today, I began thinking about how much my life has changed in the last six months. How much I’ve healed, how much I’ve overcome, but then I remembered the triggering event that sent me to therapy and almost ruined my marriage and I was overwhelmed by intense guilt and shame for everything I’ve done. I looked at my sobriety timer as it ticked away…

6 months, 8 days, 9 hours, 23 minutes, 19 seconds…

20, 21, 22, 23…

And it didn’t feel like enough. It didn’t feel like the time I’ve spent in recovery was enough to overshadow 20 years of pornography use… And I felt so angry - Like on the verge of yelling until my voice went horse kind of anger! And after reliving my life story in my head yet again, I swore to the heavens that I would never let myself me trapped in that cage again. That I would die before reliving that pain.

After I came home and calmed down a bit, the truth of my situation sunk in and I realized that I really can’t change the past. I can be angry all I want, it won’t change what happened… But what I CAN change is my future. I can change what I do right now. The past is in the past… I found forgiveness for my sins long ago, I’ve forgiven my abuser… But now I need to fully forgive myself. It’s not easy, but I’m working on it.

I have to keep telling myself, I’m not that man anymore. I’m not him. He was lost, confused, surrounded by depression and anxiety, and was dealing with the effects of sexual abuse when he was only 3 years old… But I’m not him anymore.

I’m on the long road of recovery. Long after the cravings and withdrawals have gone, I’m still finding ways in which I need to heal. 6 months is awesome, it really is… And I’m thankful for it, but AM I HEALING? That’s the question we all need to ask ourselves…

Are you HEALING? Or are you just abstaining?

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I am also not on social media, I quit it years ago because it was too time consuming, caused me unnecessary depression & anxiety, & I just couldn’t control my use of it. So I decided to take a break, & guess what? I never went back. I woke up to everything I was missing when I got lost within the web of false reality & unattainable expectations. I never wanted to get caught up in that world again. I now have a strict social media rule, it’s this ; I don’t use any of it. Ever, for any reason. It’s second nature for me, I forget that world even exists sometimes because I’m so far removed from it. I just stay disconnected, but am still informed. Just not to everything, all the time.

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I have got to say, I am so proud of the men in here. I read a lot of the conversations and it’s truly amazing. My last two, yes TWO relationships were ruined because of my exes addiction to porn and lies (among other things in the most recent relationship) but porn played a HUGE role in my last two exes lives and it was devastating. I truly wish more men were like all of you gentlemen in here. You’re all so knowledgeable and understand how traumatizing, debilitating, and relationship-ruining porn is. I just wanted to say you guys should be so proud of how strong, knowledgeable and mindful you all are. I have so much respect for y’all :heart:

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I’m planning on buying two books that are highly rated regarding porn. #1. Your brain on porn by Gary Wilson, & #2 Porn free by Matt dobschuetz, who is the host of a porn free podcast. Struggled himself for a long time & was able to find long lasting freedom & now shares his story & everything he learned along the way. What helped & worked for him. Also his mindset shifts that allowed him to move forward instead of sticking in the past. I have stayed away from these kinds of books, but I have heard so much about the Gary Wilson book that I gotta get it. The more educated you are on your struggles, the more equipped you are to deal with them. I feel the same with the other book. I couldn’t find the one you’re talking about sadly, but hopefully these two will have a similar impact on me & help make a difference like what happened for you. Thanks for inspiring me in that regard.

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Great words man. I’m happy that you’re able to recognize all of this for yourself & respond to it the right way. That’s big & takes a lot of work. I’m truly sorry for all that you’ve been through. I don’t know what it’s like to be abused in that way, I hope I never find out. But it’s amazing that your able to talk about that experience, it’s important to own it & that’s what your doing. Keep this in mind when you get into that kind of spiral regarding your timeline of freedom ; “It has been said time heals all wounds.‘ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue & the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” Ponder that & what it means to you. I think you’ll find a lot of truth in it. I hope that helps you.

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TW childhood trauma/CSAM

Very important topics here! My situation is on the same topic but not exactly the same, I hope you don’t mind my vent! As a former sex worker myself I understand the pain and shame this can cause. I did it for many years legally, however I wasn’t yet old enough when I was first coerced and forced (blackmailed even) by older men online to do stuff for money, because my family life wasn’t very good and we lived in poverty and filth and they threatened me. I remember the first time I saw hardcore porn I was about 5, and it was an accident. But the around 11 at a sleepover my friends stepdad felt the need to show us four young girls Rotten dotcom - shocking gore and porn. From then on I was hooked on anything shocking and disturbing. It felt powerful at the time … before I was forced and blackmailed. I realized I was always just prey in spaces I didn’t belong. I only just opened up about this to a therapist for the first time last year even though I’ve been in therapy for 23 years. It felt amazing to finally say out loud that I was taken advantage of and it wasn’t my fault. I spent a lot of years using sex and porn and pain as my “power”, which ended in more trauma and struggles in relationships and stability, and of course my alcoholism. I’ve gotten to where I’m 22 days sober, but still practically touch repulsed from years of trauma. I’m hoping intimacy is something I can get back to when my head clears from years of numbing myself. I have lots of friends who do SW and love it and I’m so happy that that had a healthy intro to it unlike mine! Yesterday I cried and cried for the first time in months. It felt good to acknowledge how it hurt.

Thanks for reading and thank you all for having this space for honesty concerning something many deem innapropriate to talk about.

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I’m new here, I’m just getting to know this great group of guys. But I wanna say thank you for your extremely kind words, & for noticing the work everybody in this thread is putting in. It’s greatly appreciated. I empathize with your struggles in your past relationships, & I don’t know you, but you deserve a man who values you & doesn’t put his vices over you & the relationship. I hope to see you on here more often! & I wish you the best in your future relationships. Thank you again.

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Thanks for sharing, Emi - your courageous example is a reinforcement to all of us.

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I appreciate that! :pleading_face: I feel its always a good thing to shed light on the danger of the dark side of the porn industry itself and the harm that consumption can indirectly cause to adults and sadly children. I applaud you all for not indirectly contributing to an industry that can be so so abusive and disturbing! Many people don’t realize the harm on both sides!

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image

From the book, this was my life for 20 YEARS!!!

This will take you to the PDF. A true gamechanger.

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Appreciate your kind words. For many of us, we have been that destructive person in the relationship due to pornography. For me i was exposed at age 10, 11 at my dad’s house to the worst stuff i’ve seen to this day, and i’m 41! The goal is not just to break free, but to change who we are from the inside, slowly becoming the best version of ourselves. My wife has been so patient with me over the years, this year we celebrate 20 years of marriage, my ultimate goal is to be PMO free the next 20 years, putting this habit away like a distant memory.

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Thank you so much for sharing your story, I am so happy to have you here in this thread. Really appreciate hearing your perspective. Sometimes you do need to cry and acknowledge the pain. I hope you continue to heal from everything you’ve been through.

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I disagree with this. I moved past the mentality of “everyone does it, I deserve this” or “one last time” a long long time ago. It did not stop my use. I used porn primarily to numb my feelings when I felt depressed or anxious knowing I could escape briefly by getting lost in it and not have to work through the other stuff. It was avoidance and a coping mechanism. But I always knew that was short term relief and the damage it was doing long term.

It does not acknowledge the multitude of reasons a person might use pornography and assumes it’s just the same for everybody.

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your referring to the wheel “The trap” or the book in general?

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Well it applies to both.

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I got you. Your right, everyone is different. This is just one example of how brainwashing can affect a person, and how your brain can convince you regardless of what’s happened to you go to back to porn. I posted this because it was my world for years. I’ve had others agree however we dont represent everyone. Everyone’s story is different why they use, merely just an example of what could happen to you.

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Thank you for sharing that, & those links. I will have to check it out.

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Truly sorry for the trauma & pain that you have been through. No one deserves to be used like that & treated like they are less than others. Especially at such a young age, & from people much older than yourself. I am glad you have been able to find the truth in your past & find a way to more forward. Maneuvering that kind of territory is very difficult, you should be very proud of yourself. Although your problems seem to be different from that of most of us here, regardless of the differences you are always welcome to post in here & share anything you feel comfortable expressing. With exceptions to acts against the law & actions that involve harming another person, you can share almost anything in here & theres no need to feel shameful or embarrassed or judged. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, you just own up to those things, make amends if at all possible then move forward & learn from your mistakes. Stay strong young lady, thank you for your post.

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My dear sister, you are ALWAYS welcome by the :fire:

My heart truly breaks for what you’ve been through. As a youth growing up, I was always taught to have such high respect for women and to make sure they were protected, taken care of, and safe at all times. It breaks my heart that older men treated you in this way, but I’m also so proud of you for finding hope and healing through therapy.

Sometimes the best therapy is a good cry - I’ve been there too.

I hope in the very least you feel welcome here in a world where sexual misconduct is so destructive and harmful. Again, any time you need to “vent” we’re here - brother or sister, we’re all in this together.

:fire:

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My dear sister, that means so much to me! I am also very proud of all my brothers here. I’m proud of the positivity in the face of so much opposition. We truly have a great group here and I’m proud of each and every one of them - we all have unique stories, but we’ve all found comfort and strength together.

My heart also goes out to you in your past relationships. Not just to you, but to those brothers who couldn’t find the support and healing they needed when they were with you. It pains me to see good men fall victim to the evils of porn - it truly is a poison. Hopefully through this group, we can bring more to the light and help them break free.

Thank you again, you’re always welcome!

:fire:

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