Good morning everyone. How is everyone doing???
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Morning! Had a good 3 day weekend that I desperately needed, still in bed.
I’ve been thinking about trying to get back in the habit of daily prayer and meditation in the morning. Maybe it will help my anxiety?
How are you? How’s everyone?
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I’m struggling a bit with focus this morning. Tho I’m 145 days free, the other addiction is dopamine. I have to force myself to stay offline. Found myself clicking around tik Tok 10 minutes ago, didn’t see anything inappropriate but that’s a huge red flag. I immediately jumped in here to put this behavior in writing and maintain my resolve. Porn free 2022. No matter what!
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Yea, go for it brother. I’m just over a week free which isn’t a lot but I’m so delighted with it because its a start! PMO is such a deep delusion of pleasure but any day we weight up the pros and cons it always comes out as a big fat zero. All these yrs the answers been the same…PMO never brings amything good. I’ve always been most fulfilled right here, far away from it!!
I’m recognising the beauty in women is not something to confuse with porn or sex. I’m not ever again crossing the line. As for tic tok or whatever it may be…its how we get started back again. Never look back at that rubbish - you’re building something powerful and it’s based on truth…Best feeling ever !
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I feel ya, I’ve been going on Reddit lately and looking through some of the sexual health chats. Some of them are great, but others come with some surprising pictures that I really don’t want to see. Since I can’t always tell what’s safe and what’s not, I’ve had to put the breaks on a bit.
Porn is everywhere in this world. It’s always at our fingertips. No wonder it’s so addictive.
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I’ve seen some of the conversations you guys have had today, I see the temptations your struggling with. Something I did recently that has been helping me is purchasing the app block site. It works on up to 4 devices, phone / laptop / tablets. It blocks adult content, sports, news, gambling, social media, etc. You can block certain key words, or specific sites. It’s password protected so you can’t change your settings. You HAVE to keep your commitment. I choose a random password from strong password generator ( something impossible to remember or guess ) & saved it. My settings are set. I can’t undo anything or turn anything off on any of my devices. I don’t use social media, the only browser I use on my phone at least is “SPIN” a safe browser from the IOS App Store. I keep it off my phone, & only download it when I NEED to search something ( helps curve urge to surf the web ) . BlockSite is 47$ for the YEAR. A hefty investment in YOURSELF, that will hopefully keep you committed & be a long enough time to where you build ALOT of GOOD habits within yourself & your boundaries online. I also specifically have YouTube blocked on my all devices ( phone, laptop ) . It’s only available on my family tv in the living room, but I rarely go on there. These are the rules or guidelines that I hold myself to & try to follow. Of course I’m not perfect, but these barriers I have in place make it almost impossible for me to slip or go down the rabbit hole. Obviously if I really wanted too I could find another way, but these strategies force me to think twice & de-escalate things. Lastly for IOS users I use screen time on my iPhone to also block adult content & keep safari removed from my phone as it’s not a safe browser. That is also password protected & I don’t know the code. It’s random. So I got a hefty layer of protection on all my devices, because sometimes willpower isn’t there & you need backup. Hopefully something in here helps you guys.
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Also, I wanted to say I hope everybody is doing well! You are all fucking miracles of being. To even attempt to be better is admirable & I commend all of you for doing so. On a personal note, I wanted to say something. Underneath all my problems, underneath everything, I am just a guy who’s lonely. I am just a guy who wants to love someone who he thinks is beautiful, & wants someone that thinks he’s beautiful to love him back. Whenever I see someone I think is attractive & I get to talk to them, even if it’s just a word or two, nothing significant, my heart warms up, because I know what I really want out of that interaction but I know it’s not something I can decide. It just has to happen. & one day, when the time is right, I know it will. I’ll finally get to experience what that feels like. Okay, that’s it. If anyone can relate to that let me know. 
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How is everyone doing? I’m having a lot of thoughts on how much focus is ok to have on girls and sex. Currently casually dating, and use some dating apps, they are so well designed to use the reward systems in the brain though. Gamification of matching and the coolidge effect of constantly swiping new girls. It might be really stupid to be using them. I feel ashamed and frustrated when I look at girls in public. Feeling creepy and also wanting something, some connection. And it’s like that even if I’ve just been with a girl, it’s like it’s not enough. Like there is this hole in me like something is missing. Need for attention or. I’m currently started with ifs therapy and it feels interesting so far but need more sessions. How do you manage the sexual side of life? I don’t want to turn away and hide from the feelings but maybe all this gets in the way for making real connections.
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You just don’t overthink it. It’s natural to have thoughts about girls ( or anyone you find attractive) & sex. It’s healthy & perfectly okay. If you see an attractive women that entices you, go up & talk to her. You don’t have to get her number, or plan to see her again. Just starting a conversation, & leaving once it’s over is enough. You took action & that’s a good thing. If the conversation is good & continues, maybe the two of you ( or more ) can continue it elsewhere ( restaurant, bar, a walk, etc ) . Then maybe you can exchange numbers, make plans, etc. You can see each other again & now you have something in the works. Weather that ends up being a friendship, relationship, fling, that’s up to you & the person involved. Where it becomes problematic IMO is if you see an attractive women, make no effort, take no action, & fantasize about her for the entire day then regret not doing anything. That kills your confidence, & can leave you feeling less than you really are. Now don’t get confused, you can see an attractive women, & not do anything about it. That’s perfectly okay. You can’t chase after women all the time, that’s never a good thing. You need to focus on you & make that your #1 priority. So when you see an attractive women, pause & notice her. I’m not saying to be a creep & stare at her. Just glance in her direction, notice that she’s beautiful to you, & carry on with your day. Move forward. Do not stay attached to that moment or fantasize about what you could have done the rest of the day. Just let it go. You will see another girl just as beautiful, if not more so. Their will always be more fish in the sea. The sea is life, the fish is whomever you view as valuable. You will have another chance. If you do feel regret after not taking action, make a vow to do so the next time. Stay true to that. As far as thinking about sex goes, that varies depending on your sex drive & hormone levels. If you can’t focus, & it interrupts your life then it’s a problem & you need to do something about it. Just remember sex should not consume your life, it should merely be an aspect within your life & a part of you. Not your whole being. I personally do not enjoy dating apps, I think meeting people out in the real world is far more valuable. If you enjoy them, & they bring you something positive ( connection, experiences, romance, etc ) then that’s good. Try to use them in a mindful way, don’t just swipe to swipe. But if they bring you negativity, & its something you feel obligated to do, then drop it. Try going to places that you like with activities you enjoy & focus on meeting people there. You will have things in common & have an instant way to connect with one another. Also it’s a bolder move. I hope this answers your questions, & helps you figure some things out.
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One last thing regarding “the sexual side of life” as you said. In order to create & also maintain a balance within life, you need to have a vision. Something that you want to strive for, something that you work towards. Doesn’t have to be big, or worthwhile. Small picture is perfectly okay. But bigger picture works great as well. Once you have a vision on something you want to achieve, become, or learn, put your focus on that. Make that your priority. When you have a vision, it makes sex seem less appealing. It makes girls less of a priority. Now sex can still be important to you, it is to many of us ( men, women, etc ) but it isn’t where you get the most fulfillment. You get the most fulfillment from things that bring you closer to that vision. The vision gives you purpose & meaning. So you don’t need to get that from girls or sex. You can have that while having sex or meeting women, but you don’t lose it when those two aspects aren’t in your life. You feel more whole instead of the emptiness you were talking about. Okay that’s it. Think about it! Hope this helps you my guy. You’re incredible, don’t forget that.
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It is also important to remember that each of us it at a different place. Personally I tried a dating app awhile ago and couldn’t handle the gratification and treat my matches respectfully; the temptation was too great for me at this point. Maybe someday.
Essentially, if you don’t feel good about what you’re doing, it’s probably not something your heart truly desires. Pay attention to your feelings and emotions because at the end of the day you have to be able to sit with yourself and feel good about who you are and what you’ve done.
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Definitely agree about paying attention to your feelings. Emotion management is deeply rooted in choices we make using pmo as a buffer rather than processing how we are feeling. Lots of self talk and urge management is what I’m working on to deconstruct all the lies and fallacies of years of pmo. I’m trying to play the long game as I know if I try will power I eventually get too emotionally fatigued and then act out as pmo always seems an easy fix which of course is more lies!!! Hitting 10 days and not missing any of the dark thoughts!! All the best bro 
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I use Covenant Eyes. Everything I view on my phone has the potential to be screen shot and sent to my wife. She gets a daily report of everything I look at. Hard to not be accountable when you’ve got that on your phone
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That’s great man. Glad that works for you. I might have to check that out some time, I’ve heard about it many times.
Thank you for the reply, I agree with you, however I’m currently super scared to talk with women I don’t know, I’ve done it before but always had a deep feeling of not being enough. Like I am faking my confidence and in the end can’t keep it up. When I’m on a date with someone from an app it’s like I got an approval already even though it’s the first I am so much more at ease and feeling real confidence. Feels like I’m just saying excuses now I know I have to go through the fear and face it to be able to over come it. It just feels sooo far away to be able to.
Hope you all don’t feel I’m talking of things that’s of topic, I just feel my porn use often has come from feel frustrated around this topic.
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There’s no topic guidelines here, anything that you feel comfortable sharing is welcomed here. If you wanna talk about your dog or your favorite spaghetti place go ahead, you might help somebody get through an urge or temptation that way. At least thats how I feel, I don’t wanna speak for everyone else. For your confidence issues, I understand. Self esteem issues can be tough, not feeling worthy is even more difficult. A suggestion I would try is to get comfortable & find confidence in approaching / talking to women you find neutral or unattractive. You can also do this with guys so there’s no sexual pressure ( assuming your straight ) . After a while of doing this when you get opportunities, you’ll see that people are just people. You put them on pedestals by viewing them as better than yourself & that needs to be stopped. No one is better than you are, & you aren’t better than anyone else is. We are all on equal ground, we are all imperfect, self conscious in some way, & have pasts. Don’t let the way you build people up in your head, intimidate you from taking action. Most people you come across aren’t as scary as they seem, there probably very kind & down to earth ( not always true, but a good general outlook ) . If you feel like your faking your confidence, don’t sweat it. That’s doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s not good long term, you should always be yourself. But you’ve heard the phrase “fake it till you make it” maybe pretending to have confidence could help if you actually put in the effort to develop it. That way you actually end up having that level of confidence & you don’t have to feel “fake”. If you wanna be a confident person, do things that reflect that. If doesn’t have to be who you were yesterday, but it can be who you are today. & the next day.
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First time posting/talking about this issue with anyone except for my wife. I’m no stranger to sobriety, I have been sober for over 4 years from alcohol. But this has been a problem for even far longer. My wife knows I look at/watch porn and she pokes fun at it but I know me never reaching orgasm with her bothers her. As it has with every woman I have ever been with. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I known there isn’t but it’s hard to not see it that way. It’s gotten so bad that this “activity” has gotten hard control over all and in all forms. I have tried to stop, and I can make it for a while… but as time goes by my will power drains and I cave. It can be anywhere and at anytime and it drives me insane because I want to have children with my wife and I get in my own way by not giving myself time away to desensitize. I don’t know if talking on this will help me. But I am willing to try anything. Today is once again day one. But I would rather have this drive to try then no desire at all. I hope everyone here is doing the best they can. We all just need to take it one day at a time.
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You’ve taken a big step today man, it’s hard to openly share something like that. It’s really great that your wife stands by your side regardless of the struggles that you have, I really hope she continues too. Everything your saying, though not relatable to me personally, I know is relatable to a’lot of others. I’ve heard that story over & over before, a’lot of those people have been able to find lasting freedom. Through support from their partners, community, & anyone they choose to tell. By making the choice to share that on this thread, you are choosing to stay in the light, vs continuing to fight in the dark where no one can hold you accountable & no one can help you. You should be very proud of yourself, you did something brave today. I hope you’re able to find what you need from all of us here. Stay strong man.
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I appreciate the words @Logansalgado. It is so hard to manage this issue when it is something you are so used to doing. It’s ingrained in me because it’s been an active part of my life for so long that once it’s starts it feels hard to stop or I feel compelled to do it because I have the time available to me or I make it myself. I think that’s where I need to start. I came home and immediately broke even though I was proud I made it through the day at work. It’s like once I have peace and quite I cave. I care that I have to reset and I need to find a way to break the cycle. Maybe finding other things todo once I get home or immediately check in here to atleast keep focus on my goals. I want to get better because it matters. I will continue to try and fight for what I want, but I know it won’t be easy. Nothing good ever comes easy.
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That’s the right mindset man, just keep at it. Just keep swimming, smooth seas never made a skillful sailor. So ride the waves & know it will get better. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, hope to see more posts from you.
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