What a great post. Struck a nerve with the negative core beliefs comment, feeling unloveable, and stupid. I have felt those all the times. Hate myself, my moobs, and yet my negative emotions, guilt, would always lead me back to PMO. Being made fun of combined with porn at age 12, lead me to feel broken most of my adult life. All that brainwashing, let me to 20+ years of PMO addiction. In 17 days i hit 6 months PMO Free. I dont call this a streak, it’s my next life cause i can’t go back.
@BeardedSandMan - This is a daily/constant battle. One in which we will constantly be making adjustments. What we look at, what we lust for, the warning signs, i had to delete youtube off my phone last week, just because i foundmyself scrolling through pictures that weren’t inappropriate at all, but i dont like that constant scrolling through shorts, kind of felt like being on tik tok and having constant stimulation. Found myself literally scrolling video after video LITERALLY JUST LOOKING FOR A PRETTY FACE. Had to let it go. We are at war. We have to be careful of being overly hard on ourselves at stumbles too, we know how our brain likes to take that negative emotion and flood our system with dopamine… We fall, we get up again, we fall forward. It’s that simple, but we hold ourselves accountable and safeguard our steps going forward.
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Wanted to share this with you guys. I decided RN that I need to create another WHY statement. This one being for MO. I’m almost a month without it, my goal is 90 days ( just need a break from all things sexual ). Here it is ; I am committed to abstaining from MO because I’m tired of feeling compelled & shameful about the act. I want more discipline & joy in my life. For the rest of this abstinence period, I am going to come back to this statement as many times as I need. Once again submitting my commitment in stone. I need this & it will do me good to get out of old, compulsive habits so that I may have an opportunity to create a new habit that better serves me. Thanks guys.
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Thank you, just stand in front of the mirror each day and say to yourself “I love you,” or as Mister Roger’s would have said, “I like you just the way you are.” Congratulations on 6 months!
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Struggled earlier today with Internet scrolling and porn and masturbation. I’m not that person anymore and am not going back to the beginning. Disappointed of course. Looked through my notes to reset my focus on truths and take apart the illusion that porn provides me with something I need. I know that years of brainwashing are telling me there’s something inherent in pmo that I need but that’s a big fallacy. Here’s my notes to self from easypeasy:
- There’s nothing to give up or miss out on ie. There’s no genuine pleasure or prop in pmo…massive positive gains by not continuing to pmo!
- Never, never convince myself of the odd ‘no big deal’ or ‘special occasion’ or ‘just one peek’ session. It doesn’t exist and leads to a lifetime of slavery.
- PMO is like taking cyanide(pmo)because you like the taste of almonds(women are attractive).
So here’s my confession folks and appreciate your support!!
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Those are some great notes bro. We get up and move forward. Great attitude going forward. We analyze what happened and put safeguards in place for the next time. It’s interesting my wife gets annoyed when she tries to use my phone. She can’t understand why i have the internet completely blocked still. It’s because I KNOW MYSELF. Overconfidence is something i struggle with. IT doesn’t take my brain long to go back to not seeing people as people but hips, butts, thighs, attractive vs not…etc. It’s years of brainwashing trying to undue and it just takes time. Even yesterday i found myself watching youtube tik tok vids, nothing inappropriate but why do i need to go there? I got off and went to sleep. Day to day battles. In the end, the peace of mind knowing that i got off, is worth it.
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You’re right. It’s like I’ve a short term memory. Never in all these years has pmo satisfied me (it’s done the very opposite) and yet I seem to forget all the awful effects it has when it comes to the crunch!
You’re doing great… free and getting back to the life you had before you first got hooked!!!
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Everytime I click on this topic. The yt vid appears. Can you please remove or change the link?
Day 168
So my other addiction (gaming unbalance at times) reared it’s head and almost lead to my 168 days free PMO addiction to come forward. I didn’t go to a porn site. After gaming too much until 1:30 am, and again this morning, before getting ready for work, i downloaded tik toc. I was clearly not in my right mind and my self talk which has guided me for the past 5 almost 6 months was silent. Getting a flood of dopamine from too much gaming was like a segway to me downloading tik toc, for me novelty this time, the worst kind. While i didn’t look at Porn, it was like as soon as i downloaded the app, it was an avalanche of hips, butts, thighs, over and over and over. It took me 15 minutes to delete the app. I stopped and thought, what just happened? One addiction triggered the other. While gaming is something i’ve struggled with since i was at least 15, Porn is something i’ve had in my life since i was at least 10, 11ish. And yet, i’m not proud that i downloaded the app and immediately from the first clip was shown novelty over and over. The Devil is so busy. He couldn’t make me download an app, but once there, i thought, why am i being flooded with people trying to take off there clothes or just show me there body??? I deleted the app. Here’s the thing: I’ve struggled for so long, i 100% know it’s not worth it, Being Sober for almost 6 months, in exchange for poison to my brain, is a stupid trade. I immediately took a shower and talked out the entire thing: HOW IT HAPPENED, HOW CLOSE I CAME TO LETTING IT ALL GO. Nope. So my red alert needs to go up with more balance/structure when it comes to gaming first, not allowing myself late night gaming as the dopamine rush is a direct trigger to the worse of the 2 addictions. I wanted to detail this for future Me. If a future version of me is reading this now, just remember how you felt in that moment: powerless, until you finally woke up. Do not give up your new freedom to be enslaved again. Be thankful your free, and help others do the same.
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So i re-read your post, as i have had a sloppy morning, having deleted tik tok, then pulling it up again at work. I did some research and this sexualized content is such a trap. It’s like every 10 clicks here’s another person who’s intent is for you to stare at there body. 12 days away from 6 months man. My goal is to Win. Win this moment and dont go back. I have to treat tik tok like i do all the other sites i frequently last year that were clearly pornographic. I dont know what you call that trash on tik tok, but i have to treat it like poison. After my last run in with this nonsense, i needed to journal again just to get my mind clear.
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To be honest, i’m so close to 6 months, and today was rough. It’s been a rough 48 hours. Not with a pornographic site, not seeing porn, but stupid Tik Tok. Deleted the app multiple times and finally deleted the app store but i know it’s deeper than that. I log in and it’s just a constant stream of the same thing over and over. Even Linked-In got me earlier but i deleted that. My lack of sleep has alot to do with what’s happening to me, i feel more vulnerable than the last 6 months. It took me 30 minutes to delete that app.I do not want this to seway back to PMO after almost 6 months free. I’m here cause i also want to be accountable. I will not give up. In 11 days i hit 6 months no PMO. I will look back at day 365 and think about Day 168/169 as either bumps in the road or major roadblocks .
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Good on you for staying strong & holding yourself accountable. If I was you I would hold off using my phone or any electronics as much as possible until you feel back in control. If you NEED to answer texts or calls then do so, otherwise keep it away from you & off / silenced. Do what you gotta do & nothing more, make yourself go to bed early. Tire yourself out with an activity you can make time for, exhaust your energy then just hit the sack. Porn use thrives late at night, when no one can catch you. Don’t fall victim to that scenario, you’ve come to far & learned to much to be that dumb. You are better than that. You know it, all of us here know it. We all support you & are rooting for you to get over this hump. Try not to focus so much on the milestone, the time is not what matters here. It’s the way you are changing inside that counts the most. Focus on your progression, who you’re becoming, & who YOU are without porn. Constantly remind yourself of that, anytime you feel like throwing it all away. Know that we all believe in you, you got this brotha.
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Yessir! Appreciate the advice/kind words!
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Going to speculate a bit here so take it how you will. First off, thanks for telling us about this triggering experience. Recognizing it and sharing it is an excellent start to sitting with those triggers.
It’s pretty human and natural to recognize the positives of sexual activity. It’s a survival instinct, and a GOOD THING. If we demonize sexuality, it will be harder to heal.
Sexual addiction and habits like this are usually about escape. We seek out this thrill and chase dopamine to tell ourselves our life is better, either by pretending negative emotions don’t exist or by trying to artificially create positive ones. Your current thought pattern is (trigger>uncomfortable>escape>act out) and a better one is (trigger>uncomfortable>stay uncomfortable and learn to love these feelings that are keeping you safe)
One thing that really helped me change my thought process is to write my addiction a letter. Not a “fuck you” kind of letter, but say thank you to your habit for trying to keep you safe and letting it know that you don’t need it anymore. Very powerful.
Truth is, you’ve already grown from 8 year old you. This may have been the first place you learned it and may be a traumatic and core experience for you, but you are a different person. This may have been a part of your past but it does not mean that you have to fight this your whole life. It seems callous but good advice is “accept it as part of your past and move on”. I don’t mean to minimalize it for you, just remind you that if you hold on to the thought of “the experiences of 8 year old me have ruined my life forever” it will be nearly impossible to heal and recover.
I feel deeply for you, friend, I have a similar story to yours and I recognize such a courageous heart. You can make it through this next week. Best of luck
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Just want to remind you all that slip ups can be a step forward, too - I slipped tonight and afterwards I said to my self “yep Nate you know what that doesn’t align with your values and it’s okay that you messed up because tomorrow is a new day.” And I am treating myself to a nice cuddle with the pup and an early night’s sleep. Now I am extra committed to my self for tomorrow and each day that will follow.
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100% bro. We slip, we move forward. I didn’t PMO, but over the weekend multiple times i downloaded tik tok, scrolled around and had to delete the app. The Past 5 months of freedom shows i can beat this. But i have to do more work on the inside, not just abstinence. Truly hating it is the next step. Meanwhile i’m 173 days PMO free. Onward!
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Accountability post :
Last night I got caught up in binge-eating because of a sugar filled weekend. I neglected myself & my needs in order to fill myself up with junk food, watch tv later than I would like too, & pass up on my normal self care acts. That seeped into my morning, I woke up exhausted & sluggish. It was also filled with temptations that I ultimately avoided. Not without struggle though. Rest of the day so far has been triggering, but I’m trying to move away from that. Small choices that we make have profound effects. One unhealthy decision leads to another & another etc etc, which can also seep into other areas of our lives & bring us down. This is a spiral. Fortunately I refuse to go back. I’ve taken too many steps in the right direction to just fold like that. I’m way too committed, in the best of ways. I cannot go back, it simply isn’t an option. I can make things more difficult than they need to be, but that’s it. Regardless of weather it’s easy, hard, or neutral, I move forward. Just like we all should. It’s important to hold yourself accountable for your actions, I need to make sure I take care of myself, that’s the bottom line.
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Check in :
I’ve been struggling as of late, finding myself reaching the point where I would normally feel like giving up. Instead of actually doing so, I find myself thinking about this support group. Thinking about my accountability partner, thinking about my WHY statement, thinking about all the steps I have taken this time around that I never have before. It makes a difference, not only is my margin for error extremely small because I’ve removed as many weak links as possible, but I actually have consequences beyond hurting & lying to myself. Now it goes deeper, I have more reasons to stay where I’m at than to go back to where I’ve been. It’s a sense of purpose & belonging. Before it was just something I was dealing with. If I was winning the “battle” nobody was aware & so nobody cared. Just me. If I was getting my ass kicked, nobody was aware & so nobody cared. Again, just me. I’m not in this alone anymore, I have broken the barrier of isolation & found support in community. Found belonging & understanding through connection. I don’t choose to view this journey we’re all on as a “battle” anymore. This is not a fight, even though it can feel like one. It’s a conscious decision we’re all making, for different & also similar reasons. Hope everyone is doing well.
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On another note, I wanted to put this out there. Where else do you guys find support? Are there any other communities / support groups your apart of that help you? Preferably something that’s app based like this & not an online forum. Thanks guys.
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I’ve already mentioned my recovery coach Sara Brewer and that’s where I get most of my support.
I’m also very active in my church group and once I opened up about it found several others who struggled with PMO as well and we have been helping with support and accountability.
Best of luck to you!
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