Hello tribe,
I need to come clean. I just lusted and fantasized heavily reaching almost toxicity level 7 (thanks Kevin, your scale helps me).
Why? I was bored, sick and wanted dopamine.
When? Daytime napping is always a danger zone for me. Unfortunately, after a sleepless night, it’s needed.
What to do instead? Instead of letting my mind wonder into slumber, I could put on a podcast with a timer to keep my mind occupied while dozing off.
How does it feel now? Shit & shame. Ugh.
There’s a great podcast for recovery with Sexaholics Anonymous. It’s called the Daily Reprieve.
Lust is a baffling opponent.
One day at a time.
Corny but true
How many of you out there are attending SA meetings? (Sexaholics Anonymous) or some other anon program?
I tried doing some in-person meetings and never had any luck in my area finding a good fit. I did a few video meetings through “In the Rooms” but also didn’t find a good fit. My therapist actually helped me find a support group through her program that worked for me and my needs
Hello everyone. I once again try to leave this addiction in my past.
So yeah day 1. Taking it easy day by day.
Relapsed today after a week. It’s never worth it
Did it out of habit. A little because of boredom.
Hi my name is Hunter and I’m addicted to masturbation and pornography. I haven’t watched a pornographic video in over a year, maybe 2 years. Recently I’ve slipped up and enabled self-deception to convince myself that mostly naked women (90-99%) does not count, or that erotic stories do not count, or that my conscious imagination does not count. While your imagination is generally under the least voluntary control of the bunch, I believe it is no excuse to voluntarily play with it and then blame uncontrollable forces as if I had no free will in my daily concentration. I have a good life, I’m getting married and this struggle is not a secret. Usually, it has been characterized my miraculous success from my POV. It is indeed valuable that I succeed in sobriety if for no other reason than it really bothers her, and likewise I’d be terribly grief stricken if she, analogously, compulsively fantasized about other men. However, I recently sustained a major re-injury and it has been extremely painful every day, most days. I figured, well, some positive emotion might really get me through this. Perhaps it would, although the guilt and shame are paid in dividends with interest, and the actions risk threatening everything that have meaning to the suffering in the longest time span - marriage with children, growing old honestly without chasms of secrecy. It seems to me the more I healed, the more likely I was to look for pornographic release. I was extraordinarily stable when I was in the most physical pain, but as it has started to go away, I have become… weak, foolish, deceitful and untrustworthy. I can’t explain it, I only wish I had a heavier cross to bare. So I came here, and decided perhaps it was my responsibility to put words to my experience in order to prove, indeed, I am serious about not letting this relapse become a habit. I believe I had less than 10 such incidents, looking and achieving release, starting with a music video and ending with mindless, jaded scrolling for mostly nude pictures and gifs. It’s incredibly poisonous to the values I’ve worked so hard to maintain, I can feel the system trivializing philosophically, and collapsing psychologically. Cynicism has become a temptation, rather than a resentment in a deeply meaningful life. I had chronic physical pain for many years, it was easier to be good for some reason under those circumstances. Now that treatment is showing itself to be successful, I am a moronic loose cannon of positive emotion, stacking dopamine with pornographic images. I tell myself it’s okay because I never took any addictive pain medicine, and I deserve some celebration prematurely before I’m in shape enough to return to proper intimacy. The rationalizations are endless, but I know what I should be rationalizing instead, sacrificing for instead, taking seriously one day at a time instead. So I’ve reset my timer and put my two cents in, hopefully I can find more to put in the ballast so this doesn’t happen again. Thank you if anyone decided to read all that, it was mostly just for me to know I said it somewhat publicly. I’m going to confession to make this more official as well, and this was a good trial run. Thank you, and respect to everyone else struggling. Do not lie to yourself, it all starts there, and you know it.
I went to SAA meetings for about 5 years. Chronically relapsed. Had 2 sponsors over that time. 1994-1999.
After my divorce, I stopped going, but then dropped back into SLAA meetings for a couple years. 2004-2006. No sponsor. Experienced 2 years sobriety from porn, 1 year sobriety from MB. But looking back on that period, I was guilty of still indulging in my addiction by permitting myself to lust and fantasize. Often indulging in P-subs as @Buntz was mentioning. I would honestly not have considered myself sober during that time.
The meetings offered me an important piller of support. But looking back, I still needed to address my toxic shame, the high amounts of value that I placed on porn, custody of my eyes and mind, and my broken relationship with God. Things that the meetings did not help me too much with. So I cannot say that the meetings were entirely helpful for me in that manner. But I would always encourage others to take advantage of them. I think they are a great resource. I know @Matt started going to a couple of weekly 12-step meetings which he’s found very helpful.
Currently, I go to a Christian weekly meeting called Simple Steps. Used to be a Reformers Unanimous meeting which I liked a lot better. Plus, being a member of forums like this one along with NoFap and Blazing Grace have been a huge help.
Hi everyone, I’m Chris and I’ve been addicted to porn and masturbation for almost 20 years. Atm 42 days free of it and been lurking here for a couple of weeks. Today has been tough, I ended up on social media and I think we all know how that works. Even though I managed to stop myself from relapsing it has still eaten up most of my day.
Good luck brother. I don’t know what a P-sub is by name, but it sounds like trouble. Just staying out of trouble seems to be the first move for me, no more getting curious about what is, what could be in the realms of darkness. I’ve been there, I know enough perfectly well, yet somehow the curiosity is wildly persuasive. The Christian conceptualizations have been helping me, especially Abraham and Isaac. I am thinking of a way to make as good a sacrifice to maintain a good trajectory, but it will take some deep digging to do so. A sobriety journal seems like a good start for now though. Thanks forb replying by the way, it’s been a strange day for me. Good luck to you.
Welcome @Petri @Semmuscular @buntz and @ChrsC . I have been commenting on this post for a couple of years now. I got exposed to the worst Pnog at around age 8 and has been a continuous struggle for 20 years, i’m 42 now. I have accepted the fact that i will probably never be able to have social media on my phone. It’s too much for me. Currently my goal is 365 free of youtube. For me, youtube is like a alcoholic going to his favorite Bar cause the food is great and they have big TVS…but they also have alcohol and it’s too much for him. He can go there week after week with no issues, but all the while he’s just taking sips…I’ve learned that i just can’t handle it. 2 things i care about daily: 1. My boundries. 2. Self Care. If i ignore these 2, my toxic levels go up. My boundries would include using Stay focused extension for chrome to block all sites, good ones and bad. LOCK ME OUT for android blocks the internet. I can’t take a phone into a bathroom, too many triggers/automatic brain stuff that will always lead to something bad. I counter my dopamine urges for content with spiritual things as well as books, and swimming, which i do alot of. Those last things are in my self care playbook. For me, my brain is like a garden. If you plant flowers, flowers will grow, flowers are good. If you do nothing, weeds will grow. Your toxic levels will rise, and your ‘default’ settings will eventually lead to PMO. I have 20+ years of these things being Facts. It is a war. Am i going to feed the good army or the bad one? It’s a daily battle. I have a loving family/wife who’ve i’ve hurt so much with this trash/non sense and i’m willing to fight every single day. I’m also in the process of losing 50 lbs (down 18 so far) so for me, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT DISCIPLINE AND SYSTEMS. Atomic Habits…a book by james clear has really helped when it comes to having systems over goals. Goals can be just dreams. Systems are day to day things you do to make yourself 1% better. Through my journey i really struggle with brain fog and lack of focus. But i counter this with Caffeine and setting timers for when I can have no content. Sorry for the long post, trying to rid yourself of this GARGABE WITH NO VALUE Is no joke and you have to battle your greatest enemy (myself) daily. But as we know, WE ARE FAR FROM ALONE.
Your story rings true for me too.
Grateful for your sharing. It’s a daily struggle but it’s also one day at a time.
These are examples of P-subs.
For a long time, I considered quitting porn a sacrifice. But I don’t hold that stance anymore. I admit that my mind, subconsciously, was deluded. Deluded into thinking that porn had a huge amount of value. When in reality, porn has no value. It’s completely worthless. But I really thought I was making a huge sacrifice by giving it up. And that mindset made it impossibly hard to leave it behind. I don’t believe it anymore. By choosing to quit porn, I’m not missing out. I’m not losing anything. Porn doesn’t fill a void. It creates one. If you haven’t read Easy Peasy, please do so.
Thank you, this concept of P-subs should help me know when I’m engaging in self deception. On your point about the concept of sacrifice: you make a Kierkegaardian point, for is it indeed a sacrifice if it is not of the highest value? What value could there possibly be in such a thing? This is indeed why Abraham must sacrifice Isaac and not his ram. However, I do believe this vice needs to be burned and offered, as sacrifices are normally burnt offerings. I want to forgo the immediate pleasure now for something more meaningful in the long run, which I think of as a sacrifice of the present for the future. I still want to sacrifice something, even if it’s items in a game or money to, say, my fiance for a much improved birthday. But I will let my conscience sort it out, I’m really going to have to pay attention and see where it takes me. Thank you very much everyone for replying by the way, I have not spoken seriously about this to anyone, perhaps ever. I will read EasyPeasy as well.
That’s what we are here for.
That’s also one of the reasons I started talking to a sex and porn therapist, because I knew I needed a place to really open up.
You’ll find what works for you.
I wish you the best.
Ok. Gents. I had a great “intimacy session” with my wife last night. And now, this morning, I’m feeling euphoric and want more lust. I’m surrendering it. I’m giving it up. Yet, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to. I’m sure some of you have experienced the same.
How have you dealt with this?