@Buntz thanks for the feedback.I share some of your experience, you put words to my thoughts
. I am in day 3 and this time I feel motivated to win thanks to the podcast of Sara Brewer. I hope to take advantage of the momentum
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If you have Audible there are some good audiobooks for free on this topic, I just finished The Porn Myth. I also just reset and I think it’s because I’m not doing anything but thinking, I’m focusing on theory but not building anything so I have to start being productive so the reset is actually more costly. It’s like you can’t just have mental toughness by sitting abd doing nothing as a form of abstinence, I have to actually be doing something. It’s always when I’m bored and have nothing to do it happens - which is where I think that phrase “idle hands are the devil’s play thing” comes from. I gotta stay busy, can’t let that happen again.
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Drill down to what’s causing your acting out.
Surrender that you are powerless over lust.
Beg your Higher Power for help.
This is a great realization.
I hoped that as well. But instead, fantasy and lust are still ways for me to get my fix. I actually fantasized and lusted more during periods of sobriety to compensate for the loss of dopamine. Calling them urges or cravings; hoping that if I just don’t use porn, they’ll subside.
I discovered that I needed God’s help to clean out my inside so that my outside would be clean also. And it’s way easier than to clean up just my outside hoping that some of that cleanliness would rub off on the inside.
Alcoholics talk about not having just one drink. I cannot have one thought or look. I take the approach of @Yoda-Stevie . The easiest thought and look to say, “No,” to is The First One. If I say, “No,” to the first one, there won’t be a second, or a third, or a fifth, or an eighth.
Do I do this perfectly? No. But I’m winning more battles than I’m losing with lust and fantasy. And thus, I will win this war. I take every look and thought very seriously. For a long time, I thought this was too hard. But actually, I finally chose the easier path.
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My wedding is 7 days away.
Yikes. YASS!!!
Nervous and excited about everything, including the wedding night. We have chosen to wait with sex till we’re married. We’re old fashioned that way 
Anyways, that’s not my point.
I’m entertaining what ifs. What if I’m not attracted to him. Or vice versa. What if I can’t enjoy it. What if my old survival mechanisms kick in and I start to disconnect from the situation (I was sexually abused several times and raped when I was younger). What if my sexual past becomes a problem on day 1 of our marriage.
And list goes on. I know there’s no way of knowing how things will go. Take it as it comes. I would just like to be able to enjoy.
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You got this! You’ll figure it out
You’ve had such great communication about this and your man is so understanding and supportive. You have a good handle on this, and if any problems do come up, you’ll be in a good place to manage those, too.
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Maybe instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong, focus on the things that can go right? You’ve waited till marriage. The anticipation of consummation, not to mention the wedding night, maybe look at it for what it is: a decision you both made, and carried through to conclusion. Now you both get to know each other on a deeper, more intimate level. Will there be nervousness and akwardness? Quite possibly, because it’s the first time for you two. Gotta learn about each other. Enjoy!
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In our culture today, sex before marriage is so normalized. If you don’t mind me asking, could you share more on your thoughts on this? What led you to make that decision to hold off on sex until marriage?
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I kind of wish we waited til marriage but I didn’t adopt that value until very recently after watching how the world seems to be handling the new normal, but I definitely got the right one so I’m lucky in that case
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Sure, I can share. Firstly, we’re both Christians and we want to respect the order of things presented in the Bible. Secondly, I’ve noticed I get utterly infatuated with and imprinted on a guy that I have sex with, regardless what they’re like. So in other words, if they’re not a fitting partner but a dumb dumb, I still can’t let them go. Thirdly, I value myself nowadays, so I’m not giving myself cheaply. The price is (mutual) love and commitment.
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Great responses and I commend your decision to do the right thing for yourself
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I’ve been thinking about lust and passion and how they differ from each other. Lust fuels addiction until it becomes a vicious, selfish cycle. It’s about power, gain and gratification.
Passion however is a totally different species. It’s fuelled by love, trust, mutual respect and dare I say, attraction.
I’ve professed in lusting. I have the know how about pleasing myself. I don’t need to care about a partner. I’m in total control. Well, turns out that “organic” sex with a spouse is. so. VERY. different!! Clumsy and a bit awkward. It’s something we can learn and develop I guess. I’m safe with my Hubby and that’s super important.
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Hello…Im proud of you & all of us for having the willingness & honesty to change & be the best we can be & be good examples out there…I believe there are many forms of temptation after we quit using drugs & alcohol to hide from reality & cover up our feelings like sex, shopping…etc…Ive always felt like masterbation was a perfectly normal way to expierience a sexual release when I did not have a hot sexy woman in my life & alot cheaper too & I felt like pornography was ultimately just teasing myself in fantasy land…and Im trying to live in reality… after being sober now for many years and getting older my sex drive isnt what it was in my 30s & 40s…which is ok with me…today Im grateful for my simple sober spiritual healthy life…Im all stocked up on crazy & theres way too much of that in the world today…
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I’m back from the depths with 5.55 days and lots of momentum going. Let’s go!
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Welcome back 
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I am finally going to add MO to the list. I keep thinking I’m this clever person that can get away with MO without P but it just paves the way for a P relapse weeks or months down the line. They are just hardwired together, partners in crime, and I’m a fool to take one of their sides over the other’s. Thoughts, the written word, etc, they’re like extremely low level p subs but they’re really just embers hoping the fire rages again. Even coals can be literally dug up after a long time and used to make a fire. Anyway, this is it. Day 1.
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That’s an important realisation you’ve made. There are certain things we need to steer clear from. Only you can distinguish those boundaries and stand firm when they’re tested.
My therapist and I discussed if I could ever reintroduce masturbation in my life. She challenged my boundaries and views on purpose. I said the same thing: MO and P are hard wired together and I’m not able to moderate. So it’s a no. Also no for erotic movies, literature and whatever I’ve used intentionally to get titillations.
Day 1 is a good day. It’s the day you decided to stop falling. Keep at it bro.
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Good job on the self awareness.
It’s kind of like an alcoholic saying “No” to wine, “but I’ve gotta have my beer.”
We think that just focusing on the P is the easier path, but it’s not. It’s way harder to stop while showing no restraint from all these other lower level things that cause my brain to heat up.
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Thank you guys. I don’t have a lot to say at the moment but it’s helping to stay very, very busy. I’m journaling every day now though.
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3 days fully loaded, going strong, clear in conscience.
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