I’m glad you caught yourself and chose to make adjustments in your life right away after crossing that boundary. We often think of sobriety as the ultimate goal, and relapse as the enemy. You know the saying,
Relapse is not a part of recovery. It’s a part of addiction.
Well, I’m challenging that. In some ways, the relapse can also be a gift. An opportunity to get one’s attention to uncover what God wants to teach. Because your reset forced you to look at a few deeper rooted problems far more serious than the acting out behavior.
One being proper boundaries with custody of the mind. And another very serious problem of self-hatred also known as toxic shame. This toxic shame is a nasty, nasty root. If not identified and dealt with, it will subconsciously work against one to undermine and sabotage the conscious efforts to stop.
Length of sobriety is such a horrible measurement of growth. For if such bigger problems are not identified and dealt with, it’s only a matter of time when the symptoms of sexual acting out start to resurface.
I believe the majority of sex and porn addicts carry toxic shame. And healing from that involves more than avoiding the addiction and telling positive affirmations to myself.
I have to stop all validation-seeking behaviors. I have to embrace conflict instead of avoiding it. I have to be honest and vocal about what I want and need. I cannot be afraid of ticking people off when it comes to stating my opinion. Stop people pleasing and start demonstrating to myself and God that I’m a person of value even if the rest of the world hates me. This is a huge big deal.
I’m glad you’re recognizing this @Olivia . This is a good thing and earns my respect. Appreciate the honest share.
I always recommend others to Refine the Connection
I define connection as men in my life that personally know me and are looking out for my personal and spiritual growth. An example of a good connection would be a 12 step group. Too many of addicts ignore this root problem which I understand to be much more serious than the addiction itself.
How does one alleviate the symptoms while ignoring such bigger root problems?
I can hear Lorelei beckoning. Lust is prowling at my doorstep since it got back in not long ago. I have made an effort to reserve to my sexuality for me and my husband, not for my selfish pleasure. I maybe lost some of it in my relapse but I’m determined to regain that ground.
I’m not sure if it’s day 2 or 3 for me but I stopped looking at porn. I am tired of the sickness eating away at my soul. I once stopped while I was living in Colorado for about a month then boom I found a partner for the next three years , but we’re were both toxic and using meth and eventually used fentanyl almost every day. So I know I owe it to myself to take all the time I need to recover and don’t let anything get in the way of it.
You’re not alone. And you are not the first nor will be the last to have one’s PMO behavior tear a relationship to shreads. I can attest that I’ve hurt a lot of people and my relationships suffered a lot. But that’s consequences. Despite my love for these women, it was not enough. I still loved my addiction more. And it’s taken decades for me to be at a place of stability. Looking back, these relationships didn’t stand a chance. But I can forgive myself for the pain I’ve caused. I really wanted to stop back then, but I just didn’t know how. I guess God had a lot of work to do on me. So I cannot guarantee that you’ll be able to salvage your broken relationship. But I can tell you that you’re heading in a better direction towards healing for yourself. Welcome.
Very true. Idle hands are the devil’s plaything. Sorry to hear about this. I have the same reservations in my marriage of course, and I flesh out the scenario where this happens to disincentivize any ruminating tempting illusions. After all, it’s Marriage vs. Mirage.
This seem like the best place to put this down in writing and I am hoping that getting it out of my head will maybe help me get over it a little bit so trying this out as something new to hopefully help me with this process. Been having a really crappy couple of days in the relationship which given everything that took place is to be expected. So thankful for the fact that it is not pushing me towards my previous addictuve behaviours like this would have just a few weeks ago. I am working my new strategies to replace the old habits and i am proud of that and it feels good. Communications have totally broken down though and things are totally falling apart with my wife. There has been a significant shift this past week and i feel that we are now at a point of no return. Very thankful that i am starting therapy tomorrow for the first time since a very brief attempt 5 years ago. Anyway just wanted to try venting and putting my thoughts out into the world and see if it helps at all.
I’m 5 days away from hitting the 11 months sober mark. Lately I’ve been working really hard at a side hustle which has me exhausted. It’s been very labor intensive, which is great for my physical health, and somewhat for my mental health as well. I say somewhat because there seems to be a fine line of just enough physical activity and too much. Once I’ve overdone it my brain tends to go into “space” mode which kinda takes me off of staying as alert as I need to be. I haven’t acted out, thank my Higher Power, but I really need to be putting more effort and concentration into my recovery. Working the steps tends to be a really great thing for me to do for my recovery, but for whatever reason I’ll get on here and read and type away, but can’t seem to muster the strength to pick up my “Gentle Path” book and start digging in.
I don’t know if subconsciously I’m afraid of what I might find from digging or what. It really doesn’t make much sense to be afraid though, I been at this a long time now (started my program in Spring 2015). There’s a lot of years of trauma I endured though, so I’m sure I’ve not unpacked it all.
Anyway, just wanted to get on here and kinda check-in and get my thoughts out. Thanks for listening! Take good care of yourselves, your worth the effort!
I totally hear what you are saying about that fine line of working hard, but not working over hard because I feel the same way when I get too exhausted from work.
We have to find that balance.
When I’m over exhausted that voice creeps back in saying I earned it. Let’s get that reward.
I say no!
33 days sober. Been over 200 days before.
Hope to get back there.
You will. I remember being in exactly the same situation thinking about people at 80 days like "How the helling hell did they make it that long!?”. Now I’m about to hit 500, and 10 years seems like a cake walk. This might sound crazy, but it really feels like it never happened in the first place, all that history is forgotten by the day. If I concentrated I could probably tell stories but it’s really more like I’m a different person. The difference between a kindergartener and an adult - which may be a proper analogy because I really had to mature and leave a lot behind to get here. Best regards, and do not tap out!
Honestly, your post is really inspiring, gives me hope that there are better times ahead when this addiction doesn’t have such a stranglehold on life as it has in the past.
Looking forward to the day that it’s all a distant memory and I can live a “normal” life.
New to this community and recovery in general. Phil, lustoholic/sexoholic/porn addict/ compulsive masturbater.
I Started SA program in May of this year after my wife said she no longer wanted me to be her husband anymore. I initially joined the program to hopefully save my marriage but soon found that I was actually saving myself from self. It’s been an uphill battle most days but now I dont feel isolated or alone in this disease. I have a sponsor and fellows I can reach out to daily. I’m learning myself and how to remain present and in real life rather than resorting to virtual, sexual interactions. It’s been a process as well as processing feelings and emotionals rather than numb myelf not to feel. Currently on day 29 and on my way to another sober 24… thanks for letting me share.
I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate this app in regard to replies, posting and so on. I look forward to meeting and hearing from so many of you.