Dont give in. Remember.
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It’s so hard to not give in to the temptation. It’s like I’m looking for an escape and that’s my escape, and pleasure.
I think you need to look into what you are trying to escape from and see if you can resolve that. Maybe therapy or something can help you.
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I’m going to have to agree with @Rayrock here. You ought to work out why you are seeking escape, otherwise you’re just on a roller coaster until it stops at a relapse. Get to know you.
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That’s an outstanding explanation and a great way to pay it forward
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That’s good advice from both rmgrimmer and Rayrock.
You have to figure out what your trying to escape from them accept that so you can let it go and put it behind you.
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I’m at 12days no porn/masturbation/alcohol/pot and although I miss consuming pot, my desire for my most base lusts is what overshadows me. It’s odd how appealing and disgustingly regrettable they are. I feel my body’s glamorization of these desires and it threatens to overwhelm me. For a long time I’ve fled the guilt porn produces along with its after-images, but I wonder if doing so resulted in a disservice of desensitization. 
I don’t like what’s become a part of me, but if it’s been acquired, it can be unacquired, no matter how unlikely I think that to be… no matter how unwilling to relinquish my hold on the sins that so easily entangle. Its hold on me feels like an embrace in moments like these… the moments before indulgence… but the embrace tightens into smothering and suffocation. I want to be free from it because the things I desire, a healthy marriage, a healthy fatherhood, an unclouded mind with which to witness and minister, all run contrary to the fucked up things I desire. And I do desire them… now. sigh Yet another thing that instigates my desire for release. I hate this body. I hate this struggle. I hate my double-heart.
I know this all comes off as negative, but I think the confession will help avoid relapse…
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Today is 15 days for me. It is difficult but I hope it gets better. Always keep those healthy things you desire in your thoughts and hopefully that will help you.
I wish I had recognized this behavior as an addiction way before I got married. Many regrets that I don’t want to think about because it hurts. Also the feeling that I could have done things better in my life and career if my mind was in a different place.
Even with that I can still feel the temptation to go back.
I hope that you find the willingness to let go of the rock that is pulling you down to the bottom of the abyss and find the freedom at the surface.
I hope that you can forgive yourself for your past. I hope you wake up one day and say “I’ve punished myself enough. Justice has been served”. Then look back and say, “that man is who I was, but not who I am.” Some people believe that they should be punished every time they think about a wrong they have done. I have believed that. But that is not justice. Shame says, “I am a bad person, I do bad things”.Guilt says “I have done bad things, but I am a good person who needs to make amends.”
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I really struggle with forgiving myself, but I’ve been practicing and meditating on it a lot lately.
I’m behind on my life goals because of my addiction. I get incredibly angry with myself and feel a tremendous amount of guilt around what I’ve done for my addiction. It’s really easy to dwell on it.
I recently heard a pastor speaking about forgiving ourselves and it really struck me to hear someone else talking about it, especially someone who is so in touch with their faith.
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I am not much of a church goer but I’m open to all ideas when it comes to spirituality. I recently read a book by a Christian man and he used a lot of scripture to make his points. The thing that stuck with me the most about forgiveness was he said, and I paraphrase, “if God can forgive even my worst sins, who am I to deny myself that forgiveness?” When I read that I was like, wow, that is so true. If my higher power is a loving and forgiving one, and my goal is to join my will with my Gods will, then I will have to forgive myself. Only then can I move forward in peace.
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That’s beautiful! I’ve been listening to podcasts about faith (in general, so hopping around a lot between religions) lately and I’m surprised by how much of it is resonating with me. My favorite, by far, is the sermon podcast from A House For All Sinners and Saints. One of the pastor’s is in recovery from alcohol and opiates.
I’ve never been much of a churchgoer either, the church has always been a negative space for me. I had asked my husband a long time ago just to dip our toes in the holy water and try to find a church we liked just in case. When I started recovery I really struggled with the higher power thing(let’s be honest, I still struggle with it). I like the church we found, it seems inclusive so far (I’m heavily tattooed and we live in the suburbs), and it’s the first time I’ve been interested in a higher power at all… It’s been a weird year, I don’t know.
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Yes, I still struggle with the higher power thing as well. I don’t have a firm grasp on anything spiritual yet but this quote by Voltaire helps me “Doubt is not a pleasant state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.”
It reminds me that this is a journey I’m on and becoming absolutely certain that one thing is right and everything else is wrong only leads to close-mindedness and keeps me from growing. When I was active in my addiction I was certain that I knew best, that I could take care of myself. I would not take suggestions from others because I was right therefore they are wrong. It didn’t matter how much pain I was in or how time and time again I drove the proverbial bus into the ditch, I was going to do this on. My. Own.
When I stopped playing God, my journey to let god in began. Have a great day!
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Checking in today and reading all the replies. It is good to know others struggle with the same things I do and it is great to hear how everyone is dealing with them.
I don’t get constantly dwell on what I have done but sometimes it hits me and I just try to pull myself back to the now. Sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it’s not.
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@SmokeyMirror and @anon62920945, I struggled with the higher power thing a lot. I grew up in the church. I heard a lot of mixed messages about people being judged for their sins and others being forgiven unconditionally. I always felt like it was easy for people in my church to tell me I was a “beloved child of God” when they know nothing about the times I cheated on my wife or all the porn I watched. I spent over a decade secretly believing that I would be cast out if they knew the real me. And so I cast myself out.
I have mostly abandoned the God of my youth, but I do believe there is a higher power that I can surrender my struggles to. In the last 6 months I have observed some signs or omens that I am on the path intended for me.
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Four days for me. I.share so many thoughts and feelings. Let us help each other and let us work together on sobriety
I am on day 17 today. It is challenging but keep in mind that it is worth it.
Feeling like a better person than I have in a while.
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“To build esteem, do esteemable things”.
The more we make the right decisions the easier it becomes to make them. You’re doing awesome keep it up
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