Checking in today to maintain focus. Having feelings that I know are selfish.
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Daily check in. I have seen other people post about dreams they have about relapse. I thought because their addictions were substance related that it was some kind of withdrawal from the substance.
I am having similar dreams. So I don’t know if the mind is trying to trick or tempt you or it is just dealing with purging something that it can’t have.
I would like to check in by saying that I am sober for 491 days. One day at a time.
In the sex addiction World, there are many different type of programs for different type of sex addicts.
They have a new program PA for porn addicts
And a separate program for love addict.
overall, SA sexaholics Anonymous is a very powerful program for men and women who have a desire to stop lusting, and Lasting includes all the above.
I love my home eating
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Yeah relapse dreams are the worst sometimes. But this addiction is a chemical addiction, we just have the chemicals in our bodies already and the compulsive behavior activates them. So there are withdrawal symptoms. There are several books and articles that explain the chemical reaction and what happens in our brains when we act out and come down. The one that comes immediately to mind is Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. If you’re interested, check some out.
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I’m 40 months sober and occasional I will have a “relapse” dream still, maybe once a month or month and a half. I remember feeling like I had actually physically relapsed after the first couple with the shame and guilt until I realized that they were just dreams and not real and what was actually driving them. The difference between the dreams then and now is that I now dream about turning down the qualifier and saying I’m not going to relapse and now when I wake up I have a sense of peace for making the healthy, smart and faithful choice even though it was only in my dream.
This is a really long way to say that you’re not alone in this struggle, you can do it and it does get better.
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Thanks for the feedback. I knew about the chemical reactions that happen in the brain when we act out. I don’t think I ever thought about or realized there would be any other effects of stopping other than the just the desire to act out.
It is good to know this is normal.
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This my daily check in. I am at 3 weeks today and it feels good to be free for this long. The temptation is still there but I am learning how to deal with it better. Changing patterns and routines and also my mindset.
I have gone to at least 3 SA meetings.
Although everybody on this site is dealing with different struggles, it is very helpful to read through the forums.
It sucks that everyone has to deal with these issues but it is great that everyone is coming to a place where they feel comfortable to get and provide support.
Thanks.
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At 101 days today. Last week was tough. Feeling better now that I’ve gotten through it.
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I didn’t check in yesterday but things are still good. I am just over 3 weeks and I feel much better but still fight the urges. Luckily they are not too strong and seem to come at the predictable times for the most part. I guess they will always be there.
For me it is also about opportunity. So if I am alone too long or get bored it could be an issue.
It really just helps being aware of these things.
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I don’t normally talk about this but I battled a sex addiction in my past. I was a sex addict and always looked for sex. I struggled with this greatly. I’ve always felt ugly and I never saw what others would see when they complimented me.
After I got out of a very abusive relationship and taking some time to recover I eventually started putting myself out there but everytime I met some guy they only wanted one thing. When I looked in the mirror I thought I looked ugly so somehow in a weird way I thought that men wanting to have sex with me and being desired like that it made me feel beautiful… I know weird but I longed to feel that way.
So I started looking for that feeling. That rush. I slept around. I didn’t care about my personal safety. I didn’t care about being used. Eventually it went south. I got hurt by bad guys… I felt myself dying inside. I felt empty. I confused this with love. I thought these men who desired me actually cared for me.
It messed me up but I never knew what a real man was. I was lonely, vulnerable and lost. It took me a lot of soul searching but eventually I began to see the light at the end of the long dark tunnel I had been stuck in. I started to see my true worth. I still have my moments where I look in the mirror and dislike what I see but I’m a lot better now.
I feel you so much. It was so hard for me to stop but you CAN do this! You coming here is a step in the right direction. 
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Glad you are strong enough to admit it and have the courage to build yourself back up again. Everyone deserves to be loved and to love in return. True love, not some stupid love out of a vampire movie.
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Thankfully I came out of it all very lucky because I could of contracted something or been murdered etc. I had some close calls with scary encounters. I look back now and think “what was I thinking??”. I feel stupid I let these men use me like that and that I met random strangers from the internet but lesson learned.
I see me now. I see a beautiful woman who deserves better. Now I’m happily married and my husband treats me like gold. Like I said I still struggle with what I see in the mirror sometimes but I don’t feel like an empty shell no more, I don’t let people walk all over me anymore and I’m in a much happier place. 
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Thanks for your sharing. It is not easy talking about things in the past that you wish didn’t happen and thinking about what could have happened. But I think it helps with the healing. I am glad you are doing ok now.
It seems like a lot of times self-esteem is a big contributor to getting started down this path. Some false sense of feeling wanted. And then you find something to fill that gap. Your brain gets addicted to the false feelings and comfort that comes along with that, as unhealthy as it is for you. I think maybe deep down that is a part of me.
I am trying to ‘retrain’ by brain. It is hard after 40+ years.
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Very true. You will get there though. It’s going to take a lot of self reflection. I tell myself everyday that I’m strong and I CAN do this. You got this. Much love.
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Storm your story sounds do familiar to mine, like you I have struggled with self image forever, not feeling I was worthy so I did whatever I thought would get me that even though it actually did the exact opposite. Today thanks to therapy, groups, a truly loving wife and a even more loving higher power I can say I’m sober again today.
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Good for you hun! Glad you saw the light and are better now. Good job!
I’m at 105 days today. My wife had a baby 2 weeks ago and we strictly follow the no sex for 6 weeks rule. It has been about 3 weeks since the last time we had sex. I didn’t think it would already be affecting me. We’ve gone longer without sex passively and I didn’t have any issues. Actually, maybe I did. I was using back then…
Anyway, the mind is sick lately. I have been having a tough time keeping my brain focused and not lusting after every woman that’s attractive around me. Trying to box it in and go through mantras. sigh
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So, this is my story how I got to where I am with porn addiction.
When I was about 9 years old maybe, I would sometimes walk home from school with two of my friends, since we three lived very close to each other. And occasionally one of them would search for naked people on the internet with his phone while we were walking home. And we all would look at the pictures and laugh and all that which one do when one is so young. I do not think that we looked at the pictures with sexual thoughts, well I don’t think I did at least. I think we did it just because we thought naked people were funny, and I think we knew that we shouldn’t be looking at it, so it was also the excitement of doing something we shouldn’t be doing.
We only did it a couple of times though, but that may be some of the first times I was in contact with something like porn.
Some time later, maybe when I was 10, I was at the other friends house. He had an iPad, and on that he would google for porn. And we would look at it together. Also this didn’t happen that many times, but enough to get me interested. So, I started searching for pictures online with naked people and people having sex. In the beginning I actually just used google picture search, I did not go to any porn sites. So I didn’t watch any porn videos. The reason for that was simply that I had learned that one can get viruses from some internet sites. So that kept me away from videos a time. While I looked at pictures.
Well, eventually I thought “well if I only go once to a site like that, that can’t give me virus”. And I think you can guess how that went. I didn’t do it just once. I started doing it more often all the time.
And I was masturbating while doing so I might add, also with the pictures.
So eventually I stopped with the pictures and only watched videos. And have pretty much been watching on average 1.5 video every day. There was a time maybe a little over a year ago that I didn’t watch porn. I had met a friend, that I thought was my first real friend. I still think she was a really good friend at the time. Then we got into a fight, and I got really sad. So I started watching porn again. And since that I have not been without for more than maybe 10 days.
Right now I feel pretty lonely. I don’t have a single friend that I really trust. Not a single one. I have been in one serious relationship, it really broke me when it ended about a year ago.
I would really much want to have a partner, to be in a relationship. To love someone, and to feel loved by the same person. But, since the breakup with my ex, there’s been this thought in my head. It’s basically that why should I even try to have a partner, since I’m so young (15 years old) there’s no chance it will last. So why be together with someone if it doesn’t last?
This loneliness I think playes a big role in my addiction. I don’t really do much in my life. Often I’m just in my room doing nothing, so I often end up watching porn simply because I have nothing to do and I’m bored.
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You need to stop hanging out in your room. I want allowed to date before I was 16. That didn’t stop me from having several girlfriends growing up. Looking back, I realize that my parents were wise in trying to restrict me. A 15 year old is too young for a serious relationship. I was.
I’ll even back it with science. Your frontal lobe of your brain controls your judgement and reasoning. It doesn’t fully develop until you’re into your mid 20’s. That is a reason for the impulsiveness of being a teen.
Stop isolating yourself in your room. Get out and exercise. Hang out with friends that are going to be a good influence on you, not Aholes that are going to expose you to cyanide and leave you to choke on the fumes.
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Loneliness and boredom are definitely factors that can lead to acting out. I think you might want to look into finding a hobby or activity that interests you. Or take up exercising even it’s just getting outside and walking. I know this is easier said than done but it’s something you can control.
You need to realize that the stuff you are looking at is not real. It is not how real life works. I think it’s important at your age to learn how to interact with people and have reasonable expectations from your relationships. That stuff will skew your perception of how relationships should work. I know it did for me.
I don’t want to sound like a cliche but you really do have your whole life in front of you. It’s great that you are recognizing now that you might have a problem.
Get good with yourself first and then worry about the relationship. You can take steps now to change what your future will be.
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