Loneliness and self isolation go hand in hand with porn addiction, we don’t want people to know what we’re doing so we stay away from them. Like others have said, what you see in porn is nowhere close to real life relationships. Get to know then get comfortable with yourself, get out and meet people, eventually you’ll find that some of them have become friends. Find things to do that are outside so you reduce the time you have to watch videos of any kind and take your mind off them.
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Great advice like this doesn’t have a price on it! Porn creates unrealistic expectations in life. It is one sided. Porn asks for nothing and doesn’t care about you. A real relationship is one where you give as well as take. It takes work, patience and love. In return you receive love as well. That’s something porn cant give.
Take time to get to know yourself and learn how to be a real person with real people before jumping into a relationship that will ultimately end up being about sex. My wife and my relationship is not about sex. It is about love. Love does not equal sex. If there were some horrible accident where one of us wasn’t able to have sex for the rest of our lives, we would be okay. Because we have a better relationship than that.
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Liam, my heart goes out to you. Your story is a lot like mine. That first girlfriend really fudged me up. My so-called friends turned on me the instant I left the room. It left me in a state of mistrust and isolation. I too spent much of my time in my room, either on chat rooms or masturbating to porn. I think my parents knew but the talks about the dangers of porn fell on deaf ears.
I don’t know if I could convince my 15 year old self that I deserved a better life, that there are people out there that actually do care and aren’t going to betray me. My emotions were something I ignored, I took on a victim attitude early on and held on for dear life. I kept hearing people say, “just be yourself, just be yourself” but I had no idea how to do that. I always had to be what I thought someone else wanted. I had no real friends because I wasn’t real with anyone.
The fact that you’re here, that you’re aware that there is something wrong and you want to do something about it is MONUMENTAL. You seem like a really smart dude.
Making friends is tough. Getting hurt is part of life. Some people suck, some people don’t. Once you get good with yourself, the ones that don’t are easier to find.
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Ugh I lasted 8 days and then I had to reset. That’s much better than my last go at it
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Celebrate those 8 days, you did it and no one or thing can take that from you. Now think about what lead up to the reset being needed and learn from it so you can be prepared for the next time it happens.
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Stay sober today. What helps me is coming on to this forum and reading a lot. There is a lot of sobriety here. I don’t know about you but having the internet at my fingertips is dangerous. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up my phone just to look up something benign and found myself hours later looking at porn.
I now have the sober time icon down in the dashboard or whatever section of my phone and I buried the web browser. So when I’m feeling bored or get the urge to find an escape, I come here and find relief.
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I did the exact same. I used various Social Medias as gateways to using. If I didn’t find porn on there, it certainly led me back to the browser.
Now I’m on the forums every single day. The social aspect has helped as well as being able to vent anything at any time.
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When I was acting out it was usually via a specific app. When I hit rock bottom I deleted that app and put this one on it’s place. It serves as a sobering reminder whenever I unlock my phone and some part of my brain still expects to see that old app.
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I had 2 months and 5 days sober from porn and relapsed. I have this issue that when I relapse I just think “fuck it” and basically forget about sobriety. I got a new laptop and I just… I wanted to watch it on the nice screen. Ahhh. It didn’t even feel as good as I expected
It never does. It cant be satiated.
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Gotta stay vigilant! I know I used to have “fuck it” days all the time. I usually never got there suddenly, it was a slow build over days or weeks. Try to recognize when you start down that path long before you get there, when I get there it’s too late.
Learn from this. 2 months is amazing and proves that you can do it again. Keep working it.
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The addict is cunning, baffling and powerful. I have to listen to the self talk on a regular basis and make sure I’m not being negative towards myself. Sometimes I feel like after I accomplish something I “deserve” it. I want a reward for doing something I’m supposed to do. I’ve decided that sobriety is a reward far beyond anything that pornography can offer. As if an orgasm followed by piles of shame is a reward…
Be honest about feelings. Be honest about things you can and cannot do. Justifications and rationalization are enemies to my sobriety.
For the longest time I lied about my sobriety so I could keep my Xbox; video games were giving me anxiety and keeping my mind occupied while addictive thoughts danced and played in there. When I was done playing I would already be triggered and there was no going back.
When I was honest about this, I sold my Xbox.
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I feel like such a hypocrite. After 38 days, I just relapsed this morning. I could feel it building up and I thought I could fend it off but I failed.
I have been sitting here like I got this thing under control but it’s apparent I do not.
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Ray, thank you for your honesty. You have shared some great wisdom here and I hope you stick with us. As @SmokeyMirror said, this addiction is cunning. That’s still 38 days of sobriety you got to experience. You know now that whatever you were doing to fend it off didn’t work, so you know you need to do something different next time. Peace brother.
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Thanks. What I am afraid of is becoming complacent and saying “Oh well, I’m just a sex addict” and keep repeating this behavior. It’s like I got in a bubble and I couldn’t get out even though I told myself to stop.
Now, thinking with a clearl head I can see the steps pretty clearly.
I will just search this without clicking.
Oh I can just click and back out.
Oh I can just watch this little bit.
Cunning addict is right.
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Hey Ray, I totally feel you there. I haven’t been in the vice grip of the addiction for a long time, habitually using multiple days out of the week. I’ve been in the cycle you just explained for the past several years. I do great for about a month and then all of a sudden the cravings come in. Huge crashing wave and I relapse.
I always feel great in between cravings. Absolutely no desire to use or lust. Then it comes and if I’m not prepared, it takes my feet out from under me.
The difference now is just what you said. I’ve learned to never be complacent.
Ray there’s nothing hipocritical about you. You had a good 38 days during which you were aware of your feelings and confident in your recovery, justifiably so. Your knowledge and advice here is much needed.
The fact you came here and told your story honestly tells me you’re anything but complacent, you’re working the program of recovery. You’re now aware of what lead to the slip so you can see it starting the next time and get off the slide.
I actually wonder if this is the reason that a few of our community are there right now. This should be a testimony of why we need to stay here on the forum. We’re all here to support each other. Ray, you did awesome and you’ll continue to do awesome!
As for those others. @Bomdhil and @Cgty04 where you guys at?
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Thank you for being so open. You just helped me put words for my own hurt… I have felt hurt for so long that I have trouble connecting. To my surroundings. I feel on my own planet. I don’t seem to enjoy what I used to enjoy before swirling out of control in my emotions. Connecting… That will be my focus for tomorrow. Gonna set that as a goal. To be in the moment. And ground myself. Not let anxiety eat me up. Stay strong!
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Those are great goals and like you said work it one day at a time!