I’m the life of the party when I drink. Fun funny witty crazy. People love being around me. Laughing hysterically just a great time. When I was little elementary school I was that same person minus the alcohol. Now I feel like I’m just quiet boring nothing to add, no jokes no laughing. Just a quiet smiling shy little mouse. I keep hearing everyone say how great and alive they feel being sober. I feel better(10 days) but that’s it. Will my true personality come back? My pre-addict personality? How long does it take? I want to be fun and funny again. Did the alcohol kill that part of me? Feel trapped
4 Likes
Welcome Blake! Nice meeting you and welcome to the community here 
First: there is nothing wrong with you and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It may be that you never had the chance to discover your mature adult personality as a sober person. I myself am finding I’m quieter and more reflective than I was before.
Every one is unique and that means you need to explore yourself a bit. Take time to do this sober. Go to some recovery meetings - it’s worth at least listening at one; if you are exploring sobriety and you fee alcohol has created problems for you, you discover you’re not alone - and listen to the stories of others. Join some social clubs, Irish dancing, art groups, hockey, whatever you enjoy. Or, explore some quiet solo hobbies, like sketching, woodworking, etc. Explore your sober self and find what speaks to your heart.
Start a recovery journal and note down when you feel that tug to drink. Where does it come from? What triggers it? Is there something that causes you concern or discomfort that you may be running from? (There could be other things going on too; a journal is good for noticing those in the moment.)
The important thing is you’re exploring and discovering. Expect to feel uncomfortable. But I promise you will be glad you took the time to explore.
3 Likes
No, alcohol did not kill that part of your personality. Not to diminish your hard fought 10 days, that is incredibly tough and good work getting there…however…you are very early in sobriety. The magic and change just doesn’t appear like poof, all is great! 
I don’t know how long you used for, but healing and change take time. Your body and mind are clearing themselves of all the toxins…it is a healing process.
It took me quite some time to feel at home in my skin and to find my self again. It is a marathon, not a sprint and it was important for me to be gentle and understanding with my self in my early journey. 
Know that your cells are clearing and cleaning themselves and your body and mind are getting refreshed and revitalized. Be kind to your self and know that with time and attention you will find YOU again. 
5 Likes
Thanks all. I know it will take a while to undo all the damage. I’m willing to stick it out. Last time I made it 6 weeks I’m ready to bypass that this time. I feel so empty. Waiting for purpose and brain cells to come back I guess. So I don’t feel like a bum. Have a family with 2 young kids it’s easy to fake it through the day. My goal is to go to bed sober tonight tomorrow…that’s the only thing im holding myself to.
3 Likes
I feel you. It’s like life has loss it’s music.
It comes back, little by little.
I’m 10 days and not sure what I’m comparing to other than that, as in, volume and frequency of your habit.
I feel much quicker in mind than I had been doing before knocking the drink on the head and I put it down to not only having changed that aspect of my life, but my daily routine.
I go to bed early and rise early.
Get stuff done in the morning before anybody else is up and rest before my mind can wander, good lengthy rest at that.
Thanks peeceeuk we’re the same sober date it appears. We can keep tabs on each other 
So far my best friends have been coffee ( what is it about coffee when you sober up?) Aaron hotchner Emily Prentiss JJ Dr Reed and babygirl!
2 Likes
From the moment I wake up I’ve always drunk plenty of coffee, nothing to do with being sober for me.
Just as soon as it is my time at home in the evening does / did the coffee stop flowing.
Hey Blake,
It took me months. Probably 3 to be exact. During my first social outings, I was the death of the parties. I was so boring and socially awkward that it made others practically try to force feed me alcohol to loosen me up (I resisted!). But it faded. You get more and more confident as time goes on. You start to fill up with self love, and it starts to radiate. But it’s a process to get there. A lot of work and a lot of tears went into getting me there. So focus on right now, and have faith that you will start to recognise yourself again.
Congratulations on 10 days.
I’m coming up on two years, and I still feel like this sometimes.
That person is still in you, just as it is in me. The name of the game is practice. Intentionally put yourself out of your comfort zone as often as you can (safely and without endangering your sobriety, of course). Take part in social situations, but don’t put pressure on yourself to be the life of the party/conversation right from the rip. Allow yourself to observe interactions and take part when the opportunity presents itself. Dip your toes in the pool, get used to the water…if you know what I’m saying.
Again, practice practice practice. And you may never be full-on “life of the party”, that might not be who you actually are without the booze. I know I’m not. What it’s about is getting to a point where you feel comfortable laughing and joking around and socializing without the alcohol crutch. Eventually the laughs and words will flow more freely if you keep at it.
2 Likes
The road to recovery is long and full of ups and downs. Who you are today is not the same as who you were yesterday, and the you tomorrow will be different from who you are today.
It takes time to find your way, and until then, I would suggest not focusing on who you were, but focus on who you are, today. The rest will fall into place; it takes patience.
3 Likes
Yes as long as I go to bed sober. Sometimes I want to wake up drink coffee and can’t wait for the day to be over. I’m bored and I want to drink. It’s. Annoying.
Blake11,
Don’t future trip. Enjoy your clean time and your clarity of mind as you know it. Be grateful you have today and the ability to reflect and worry about such things. We need to learn to self accept and self forgive. We are alive today, we are loved, and with practice, we can grow our inner strength. Plus, wasn’t the person you were a drug addict? Sometimes it’s better for us to break apart and feel lost. We regrow in new ways that could be scary. Peace and love
Thanks. That sits well with me. I can do it this time. I want to. Just go to bed sober. Time passes quickly. Before I know it another day is done.
1 Like
likes “I can do it this time.”
Hey Blake - a positive replacement for boozing for me is AA meetings. I get social stimulation, and a program for daily living from my participation. If AA is not your bag, here is a thread full of other resources. Resources for our recovery
Thank for your writing this…I thought I did! Your words and situation totally resonated with me. I was so lost in social situations in the early days. All what you described. It takes time and self reflection. For me, this is my experience everyone has their own unique transformation, it is still a work in progress. I do feel better in who I am and that awkward, I’ll have a seltzer water when out has sort of passed. I’m coming back, I have some old traits and some new ones and let go of negative ones. I’m changing into a new and better me. It’s not easy, some relationships I’ve let go because of the negative vibe or toxicity is not filling me with good energy. I’m now trying figure out at the age of 50 how you create new friendships with people and find rewarding experiences. Be assured, you will find your way…time, patience and self pride have gotten me to this point. I don’t think of it has work anymore, I think of it has me controlling the creative process of building me. Stay with it! You have come along way! Enjoy and relish each success. No matter how small. You are making an investment in you with quaranteeded unlimited returns.
1 Like
Thanks. I’m hoping I do become a better me. A new 2.0 version. I am trying to imagine me in the future and see a great well rounded successful person. If I could just get there already. But I have patience, thanks to my kids for teaching me that. I want to fill myself with knowledge and hobbies that I put aside all these years for drinks. I’m starting a new job next week. My last job waitressing I was at for 18 years. Too much temptation being a few drinks on the job was ok. Everything is happening at once and so far I’m liking what I’m seeing.
First, 10 days (11 now?) is amazing! Congratulations! And I totally get what you’re saying. I liked who I was (or thought I was) when I drank. That chick could handle any social situation, she was funny, and smart, and even sexy. Until she wasn’t. I still cringe at the things I did and said while blackout drunk, most of them recalled to me by the people affected by them. It turns out that chick wasn’t so awesome, she was pretty obnoxious. As I move through my sobriety I realize the person I thought I was while drunk is there, not the obnoxious one, the awesome one. Every day sober she comes out a little more as she - I - begin to feel comfortable in my own skin. You will get there, we both will. Best to you on your journey.
2 Likes
Thanks yes sounds like me. I’m glad to hear you’re awesomeness is coming back. Sometimes I get a glimpse and do or say something and I’m like"there it is! There I am" I just can’t hold on to it. And go back to overly calm borderline lame. In time. I can wait I really want this.
1 Like