I was in a bad accident last night that I know scared my parents beyond measure.
I have no idea what to do. The guilt and shame I feel is so overwhelming I really wish the accident had ended everything. I’ve tried so many times to be in control of my addiction but the truth is I have no control nor do I have any idea how to deal with that.
Everything else in my life is okay. I’m very successful in my career and am very close to finishing a masters. I’m terrified that this demon inside me will take all of that and I know it’s only a matter of time that it will.
I’ve been to residential rehab before and I really do need that now but with the cost (of the facility and of what it will take to repair the car damages) it’s out of the question. I’m two people really. Drunk me and regular me. Polar opposites. And regular me can’t put my life on hold to handle drunk me but drunk me is simultaneously ruining regular me.
I hope this makes sense. All in all, I think what I’m doing is literally killing my parents from the stress. I’m struggling to find any kind of happiness and I’m extremely scared of the future. I don’t know where to go from here.
First off - welcome Sara and thank goodness you’re ok. You have a choice now, a chance.
You are an addict, like everyone here. Addiction and the addictive habits will be present in your history forever. Your job is to make little changes and grow a bit every day, one day at a time, and you can be safe in your life.
You do not ever have to feel this way again. And it starts by getting sober.
Drunk you is “I want what I want when I want it”. It’s like that for all of us. Our addict voice is entirely selfish. It’s also stupid. In every measurable way, it’s wrong, imbalanced, cruel, hurtful, and unreliable. It’s the opposite of what you want from your life.
You have to choose what’s the single most important thing to you. You have to choose. Does being sober matter to you?
If it does then you need to work on it every day. Your university has counselling and student support centres. Go to them. There are many many alcohol sobriety programs (Resources for our recovery, Online meeting resources) - in person and online - and there’s enough that you can go every day, even more than once a day.
Does it matter if other students know you’re in recovery? No. Addiction thrives in secrecy and as long as you are trying to hide things it will stay with you.
Does it matter if you need to ask for extensions on assignments (to have time for your sobriety work)? (Most workplaces and universities will grant medical exceptions if you need it, for recovery) It doesn’t matter. You ask. You do what you need to do. The worst they can do is say no, and if they do, then you know they don’t value your sobriety as much as they should. You’re sober and safe, and you’re taking it one day at a time. That’s what matters.
Maybe try AA there is people there who have been were you are and have walked in your shoes worth a shot what have you got to lose your life is on the line good luck on your journey
I recognize myself in your story. Very successful completing my masters and drunk me is on the verge of ruining.
I never wanted to go to AA. I thought I’m not that bad. I went to AA for the first time 4 days ago. I should of done it a 3 years ago. The meetings help. I hope you try it. In person or online. You got this. I’m praying for you and I wish you all the best.
Stop listening to your own advice and let others who are successful help you. - wish I would of listened to that a long time ago.
This is another thing to think about. Addiction thrives on fear. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being “discovered”, fear of failure.
Addiction is a mask we use to hide; it’s an “escape” we use to run away.
A big thing in getting to where you need to be, is dealing with your fear, and being more accepting of your life. You don’t “have” to do or be anything, to be a good enough person. You’re a worthy, good person already. (Who cares if you have a masters? I do, and it’s totally unrelated and unnecessary for the job I have. What does matter for me and what got me this job is being practical about doing whatever work I could find to pay the bills. And after a few years and keeping my options open I found a great job. Life gives you what you need as long as you stay focused on what matters: staying healthy and grounded, and practical.)
Welcome to the community! I’m sorry to hear about your crash but I’m glad you’re okay.
I was able to stop drinking with the support of this community and I was in a situation very similar to yours; successful but on the brink of alcohol taking that all away.
If you can’t afford rehab, start today by refusing to have another drink and read and post as much as possible here. You will be amazed at how many problems are solved simply by being sober. Take it one day a time, as the cliché goes. It’s never too late to start because you’re still alive.
Hi Hannah, and welcome. I hear you, you want to change. We have so many options today, we really are blessed. Here’s a thread that has tons of good info on how people here get and stay sober. I hope to see you around!
Thanks for the encouraging words. To answer your question, I care. I’m one of those people that value education because I want to be a well rounded person - not just so I can make more money. I enjoy the work I do now and who knows what the future holds career wise.
My point of bringing that up in my original post was to explain how confusing it is to feel like I’m two completely different people and how I want to just be one (the sober one).
Sara i recognise alot of what you say, in me. I was also 2 completely different people. The drunk me was horrible, cheeky, cocky, aarogant, ignorant but yet i continued to drink. The sober me was a kind, caring, thoughtful person. I gave up alcohol 2 years ago, i was a heavy binge drinker. Like you though my parents despaired at my drinking and longed for me to stop. Now that i have stopped my relationship with them has improved drastically. There is such a better life out there when you do take the steps to come off alcohol. I wish you all the best of luck.
That makes sense. It seems like you care about being the person you want to be. I suppose the thing for you to do now is decide who you want to be and then do it.
Take care & be gentle with yourself. Take it one day at a time and stay focused on the important things
Welcome Hannah.
I’m glad your ok.
This is a great sober community to get and give support.
I think I can speak for most of us on here in that we all tried to helplessly control our addiction. It cannot be done. I fought it and fought it and tried to control it. I never won. It was exhausting. I’m finally free now that I have totally surrendered to my addiction and have given up. It’s taken a lot of work and knowledge. But it can be done.
I hope to see you around.
I’ll say a prayer for you.
Start here, focus on your recovery, just stay sober for today, take it easy, 1 day at time. hang around here plenty of support to shoot you in the right direction. .
Welcome Sarah I wish that I could give you some bologny about not to worry it’s gonna be alright.Although that’s far from the truth.Your at a crossroads here either of fully accepting your an addict and surrending or going on to the bitter end.All your hard work and that masters will go out the window.I will be praying for you.
@SinceIAwoke thank you for reposting these resources! I have it bookmarked. Try one or two links…if it doesnt work try a different link. I found The Alcohol Experiment here and its been a HUGE help for my rational self.
Glad to hear it Hannah. Stick with it, one day at a time.
From what you’ve shared here I get the feeling you set high expectations / lots of pressure for yourself. It sounds that way anyway. Be gentle with yourself; be kind, and forgiving. You don’t have to be anything other than yourself.
Sweet sober dreams! (Sober dreams can be really weird / vivid sometimes too though. Search “dreams” here and you’ll find some interesting threads! )
hang around here plenty of support to shoot you in the right direction.
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