On the RD meditation this afternoon, there was a lovely bit that stuck with me, they posted a link to it in the chat but I didn’t bookmark it. Anyway, it was about noticing when feelings come up. So if you get pleasure: Hello attachment! Unpleasant feelings: Hello aversion! Just recognising that this is how these feeling present themselves.
I thought that was a really neat way of looking at it, if I find the meditation I will post a link to it.
Book study
The Daily-Non-Dukkha meeting this afternoon (in my timezone!) was about Wise Livelihood.
From p. 40 & p. 41 of the Recovery Dharma Book
This was so relevant to me today. I have a call tomorrow with someone who has been in touch to see if I would be able to help him get a fundraisng operation off the ground. Part of me wants to say yes because it’s quite a cool project, it’s got an international focus, it has the potential to get pretty big and it would be a great thing to put on my CV.
If I said yes to the new offer, it would have to take away from the existing stuff I’ve got going on. In the past I have always said yes to extra things because of some notion that I am capable, that I could do that thing so I should do it, regardless of how stretched or stressed I already am. Also, I think a big part of it has been the desire to appear impressive. Like I’ve got some kind of point to prove - although I’m not sure what that point is!
On the face of it, this offer is a more grand, higher impact thing than the stuff I have going on at the moment, which is low key and very much in development. But these smaller scale things are more my kind of things. They matter to me and the people who are involved with them. They make a difference in a local, indvidiual way and I have the space to be flexible and generous, both inside and outside of them.
Part of me screams take the job! Take the kudos! Take the money! The other part of me knows that is not the wise path and I am SO grateful to be in this position, to make this choice.
Checking out of an ok day with a difficult ending. Did a meditation sent out from a local group (not RD) I’m involved with all about ‘making friends with self’. I couldn’t finish it, it put me into a spin.
The concept of self is something I struggle with, I get lost in the shadows and all the projections and narratives that I’ve created. It is something I’ve over-analysed to the point where I have a real aversion to the very idea of identifying what my ‘self’ is let alone having any idea of how to like it.
This peeling back and uncovering the layers feels like a never ending process. It feels like I have been living through this process of discovery and pain and healing on repeat for the last few years and it is exhausting. Sometimes I’ve got to just take a step back and let myself be for a little bit. I hope eventually it will bring me closer to something like the middle path!
Most of the meditations that members read can be found here:
Since I was driving, I didn’t catch which one he was reading.
I actually looked at that earlier, but just not the right one! It’s the basic meditation, on feeling tone:
“When you notice the sensation of liking or pleasure, you can silently tell yourself, “So, this is my liking mind,” or “Hello, attachment.” When you notice the sensation of not liking, you may may know, “So that’s my critical mind,” or “Hello, aversion,” or “So this is what it feels like to want things to be different than they are.” We can learn how to notice our pleasant and unpleasant feelings about thoughts and experiences, without judgement and without having to do anything about it.”
Thanks! 
And here it is. I am not personally fond of this voice, but hey…maybe you’ll love him. 
Milton’s secret.
Probably you have seen it already but wanted to share just in case.
I think free to watch until tomorrow. a movie based on the work of Eckhart Tholle and made by him.
Thanks, Maria!
This is where I’ve been at for the last week and a half or so. Just as I can overdo anything, I can overdo the introspection and analyzing of myself and behaviors. I know it’s beneficial if not crucial to recovery, but I also need a break from it. It can become exhausting. It’s hard to step away when recovery is at the forefront of my mind so much, but like with anything, I can burnout on it. Maybe not being so extreme all the time with my self work, is a way of being on the middle path… Knowing when I need to find some balance.
Definitely, introspection is useful but only to a point. When it becomes another stick to beat yourself with, time for a break! It is like looking for the answers, or for a solution, almost becomes an addiction in itself. Sometimes (often?) it is in the not doing that we gain the most. A couple of things that I am thinking about writing that.
First, back to the wise livelihood stuff. In saying no to this job offer, I am effectively choosing to not change things, I am saying that how things are now is ok. That action of choosing to keep things as they are, to not do something new, to say no… That gave me some confidence in myself which is something I haven’t felt for quite a while (it was actually nice to remember that I did used to feel confident in myself). In the past I would have said yes and used that as a way of giving myself a temporary ego/ self-esteem boost… Attaching my emotions or sense of self to my external circumstances, achievements etc. Instead I have experienced a shift in how I feel without changing anything. Pretty cool!
The other thing that comes to mind is the contemplation in our group meditation class this morning: there is nothing to do or not do, nothing to force, nothing to want, nothing missing. The idea that we don’t have to be striving, that what we need is already within us and it is there waiting for us to discover it.
I am the same. All the wasted potential… But really, that is just me grasping onto some imagined other. Apparently very common among people in recovery, understandably. I can kind of logic myself out of it… Say I had done x instead of y, a instead of b. Well everything might well be different. That doesn’t mean better. And there really is no way of knowing. Wishing it was different just means spending time feeling dissatisfied, rather than spending time being with what is actually here.
I listened to the Tara Brach talk yesterday. Really helped me with a couple of relationships I have, where certain situations trigger a reaction in me. Because they have played out one way before, I react as if that’s what is happening wayy before it gets there. So a sigh of frustration is a hell raising argument where I feel unheard and abandoned. A comment intended to be helpful becomes extreme meddling. The narrative becomes more true than reality and my emotions have a load of thoughts to hook themselves into and sustain themselves.
I cried my eyes out at the high school story at the end, I have heard it before. That opened up some difficult emotions for me. I tried not to feed them too many thoughts. I couldn’t quite tell myself that the ones that did get through aren’t true, yet, but I could see them and found it comforting that just the act of seeing them and sitting with them might be enough for now.
I really like the idea that our thoughts are real but that doesn’t mean they are true.
Haha great way of illsutrating it!
Anyone else jumping on the Daily Non-Dukkha group’s Thanksgiving Mettathon? Assume you will be Jené!
I will definitely be there for the book club meeting - and maybe some of the dance party. We’ll see how the rest goes. I couldn’t sleep before one and the dogs starting whiny at 4am. One was sick in their crate. 
I may need to grab a little nap at some point.
The meditation for this morning’s meeting was focused on Metta (Loving Kindness). Which involves sending thoughts of metta to myself and others. Myself…(sigh)
I am allowing myself to treat myself with loving kindness more and more. This has been a focal point of my therapy as well. I’ve traditionally been very critical of myself and that included thoughts that I didn’t even deserve to be happy. My counselor had me start with daily affirmations and self esteem journaling. It all felt very self indulgent at first, like I didn’t deserve to focus on myself. But I’m learning that if I can’t treat myself well, then I’m usually not much help to others anyway.
These last two weeks have felt like a blur. I feel like I get up and I’m shot out of a cannon. I hit the ground running and don’t stop until I pass out. Work has been really busy and that includes some longer hours at the office. I’ve had multiple medical appointments I’ve had to attend. I’ve been coordinating switching over to my third mental healthcare facility in the last three months. With my wife being pregnant, I’m trying to do more around the house and just being able to find her something that sounds appetizing is a chore all on it’s own 
. She’s been really nauseous and not feeling well the last couple weeks. I’m beyond excited about becoming a father, but there is also an underlying feeling of a larger sense of responsibility now. I feel like the stakes are higher now. Not that I planned on doing anything crazy anyway, I’m just even more aware of the consequences, if that makes sense.
So with all of this going on, my exercise and healthy eating routine has gone out the window. I’ve been grabbing food for comfort and ease. I’m so mentally drained by the time I get home, that I’m passed out by 8pm most evenings and going for a run or exercising is the last thing I want to do. I’ve really been beating myself up over this for the last few days. Like a lot of negative self talk. Taking care of my physical health is really important to me. It makes me feel better in general.
So, tying this back into “loving kindness”… this morning’s meeting made me realize I need to step back, once again, and allow myself acknowledge all that I am doing. There’s been a lot of good stuff going on in my life that I’m actually handling well. Maybe I’m falling off in a particular area of my life, but I can allow myself some grace around it. There’s been a lot of significant life changes over the last three months. Then you couple that with early recovery, and of course I’m going to have some adjustments to make. I’m not going to be able to keep all of the plates spinning all of the time. Change is going to be messy and imperfect and that’s okay. It’s okay for me to fumble a bit to find my footing and balance. My efforts are well intentioned, even though they aren’t perfect. I’m going to have to adjust so many times throughout my life, so I might as well get used to being flexible and more graceful about it now.
I’m grateful to have the next four days off from work. It’ll allow me some time to slow down and ground myself a bit. It’ll allow me to balance out the busyness of life lately. 
Brilliant. From my share re book study today on wise effort - that we just need to do what we are able to do right now, and remember that change will happen, often in unpredictable ways!
On days when I am to much for me to handle. I try and float, rest in the awareness that I am just part of it all 
I’m absolutely loving this. Yes!
We don’t need to be anything apart from part of the whole!
Something I’ve felt but now have words for.
Thank you Maria!
A reflection on the Daily Non-Dukkha book study today, the subject of Wise Mindfulness. From p. 44 of the book:
I struggle to know where the line is between allowing myself to experience feelings and then wallowing in them, which often tips the balance into getting lost in thought and creating narratives that go way beyond my reality. I have been looking at the goals I set through CBT and am conscious that barely any of them are anywhere close to being achieved, the healthy habits and behaviours I want to invest in seem forever just out of reach and this feeds into the way I see myself. The aversion and resistance I experience to the process of planning tracking my moods, or even taking part in activities that I know would be good for me (and that I would actually enjoy) is a huge source of frustration.
One of the inquiry questions really jumped out at me, (p. 47):
I feel like these emotions are ruling my life at the moment, alternating between them and then big bursts of confidence and enthusiasm. I usually make decisions when I am feeling good and regret them when I’m not! At the moment I’m not entirely sure that awareness is that helpful, because it means I am questioning my ability to make decisions. More contemplation needed there.
For now though, I remember that there is probably not an arbitrary end point, where no more work is needed and everything is fixed and perfect. There is today, and there is much to be grateful for.
