"Every A.A. has been, in a sense, a prisoner. Each of us has walled himself out of society; each has known social stigma. The lot of you folks have been even more difficult: In your case, society has also built a wall around you. But there isn’t any really essential difference, a fact that practically all A.A.'s now know."
–Bill W., Letter to a prison group–
There is no greater prison than being alone and locked in your own mind. This is an existence all too familiar for the practicing alcoholic. We were all in a living hell, and for me, death seemed to be a step up. When there is no hope left in your life, everything is tainted with an overwhelming darkness. As I look back, I’m grateful for this bottom, but I would not wish it on anyone. The debilitating self-pity, coupled with the fear of never being able to free yourself from alcohol was pure torture. There is a beautiful line in one of the 3rd edition stories that sums us up - “Alcohol gave us wings to fly, but then it took away the sky.” They say AA can’t open the gates of heaven and let us in, but it can open the gates of hell and let us out. After the initial detox, it didn’t take long for me to see that I belonged in our fellowship. You understood me and had gone through the same living prison we all experience. It’s amazing what we can find in a cup of coffee at a meeting, what we used to try to find in endless bottles. Our members exude genuine care and kindness, and you can’t help but want what they have. I am so thankful that I no longer have to be beholden to alcohol, but I’m also grateful I never have to be a prisoner to resentments, self-pity, or any of the other negative thoughts that kept me from finding freedom and happiness.
Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted."
–Paul Tillich–
Before the program, I would wallow in self-pity and never hesitated to play the victim card. Needless to say, I was not a happy person, and I was haunted by my self inflicted pain. I now see that it was all necessary to get to where I needed to be, and that was a place of complete desperation. Only through complete misery and torment could I find enough willingness to make dramatic and necessary changes in my life. They say that pain and suffering are an alcoholics’ best friend, because they are the only things sharp enough to cut through our pride and ego. It has been a long journey back from the depths of the abyss I had created, but it has all been worth it. The Chinese symbol for crisis and opportunity are very similar, and I see that as an analogy of our disease. Through a darkness and a life lived in the shadows, comes an amazing awakening into a light of hope and gratitude. Once I learned that “self was the problem,” then “self couldn’t be the answer,” a new world and perception opened up for me. I am so thankful that I now firmly believe that the bidding of God will never take me where the love of God will not shelter me. One of the greatest gifts of the program has been a path in which I can honestly say to myself, “I’m enough.” When we accept ourselves, we are no longer crucified by the burden of needing others to accept us, and this is an amazing freedom I hope all of us discover.
When I first came to A.A., I thought everybody had drunk more than I had, that everybody had gotten into more trouble. But I kept coming to meetings, and after a while, I began to hear the beginnings of their stories. I came to realize that I was on the same road. I just hadn’t gone as far–yet.
Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, p. 369
All of our bottoms are very personal. We experienced a living hell in our heads and saw no way out. We may not have lost everything “yet,” but those feelings of hopelessness are universal. My disease would tell me all the time that it wasn’t that bad, and that’s a voice I have to expel immediately. We hear all kinds of stories when we come into the program, and many seem worse than ours. Our disease will immediately arch up and tell us we weren’t that bad. We suffer from terminal uniqueness and are forever swayed by a disease that wants to kill us. Alcoholism is truly cunning, baffling, and powerful, and we would be wise to never forget the crushing feelings of despair as we were hitting our own bottom(s). Alcoholism is a progressive disease that never gets better; it only gets worse. The scouts who go out and test this proposition, if they make it back, come back with the same narrative – It got bad quickly and wasn’t worth it! Whenever my disease tries to tell me it wasn’t that bad, I remind myself that it could have been much worse. I never got a DUI, but I should have had more than I could count. I wasn’t a homeless guy living in a box on the street, but there were many times I had no place I could call home. If I were a cat, I certainly used up all my 9-lives. Our bottom is when we stop digging, and when we stop digging, there is no elevator out of that hole; we have to take the steps.
"Ego was being replaced with self-respect … resentment and hatred were being replaced with tolerance and understanding … fear was being replaced with trust … loneliness and self-pity were being replaced with gratitude and love – all because I was working the program to the best of my ability and wasn’t drinking."
“Above All, an Alcoholic,” Toledo, Ohio, September 1982, In Our Own Words: Stories of Young AAs in Recovery
Change is difficult, and our reluctance to change almost killed us. People are hesitant to change, even if it’s positive change. It’s human nature to get overly comfortable with what we know, and it takes courage to let go of the familiar. In the past, we hung onto righteous indignation, only to find out we were only hurting ourselves. We let fears dominate our life and control our decision making, only to find out we were holding ourselves back from fulfilling our hopes and dreams. We put ourselves in a constant state of loneliness even though a loving God was there with us the whole time. Nietzsche once said, “The snake which cannot cast its skin will die.” This is so true of the alcoholic that slithers into the fellowship. If we don’t change, our sobriety date will! I am so grateful that our program encourages us to change, and for most of us, this is a gradual process. In many aspects of our lives, there may be a complete upheaval of thoughts or actions, but it is more common to have small epiphanies that push us into a spiritual way of living. I’m not sure how bad my life would have been without AA, but I probably would have died a horrible death after a prolonged existence of relentless and emotional pain. Because of our fellowship, I have become the person I was always intended to be, and I will be forever grateful for you teaching me the joys of living a meaningful and purposeful life.
Thank you Mr Ed, I don’t just call you Mr Ed bc your name is Edmund , I call you it bc your message is straight from the horses mouth. I trust in your knowledge and experience and I believe in every word.
Your a very special human being.
Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
–Charles Dickens–
Writing a gratitude list was essential to my early sobriety, and this simple act seemed to be one of the best ways for me to redirect my perspectives and attitudes in a healthier way. However, as time passed and life unfolded, I often forgot that this was an important tool in my tool box. We will all be faced with life challenges, and when these occur, our overwhelming feelings will take over our mindset and attitudes. Sadly, we let our emotions get the best of us, and we end up letting them spill out over the ones we love. Thankfully, we have guidance on how to clean up our messes, but it would have been much easier to just not have engaged in hurtful outbursts. A quick mental gratitude list is usually just enough for me to get out of my own way and to appreciate all the small blessings that are in my life. Quite simply – Live in gratitude. In our 9th step promises, we say that, “We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it,” which has become true in so many of our lives. I now see all those mistakes I made as portals to lessons learned. Without mistakes, I’m not sure I would have been as willing to grow emotionally and spiritually. A simple axiom of life is that no matter how hard we try, we can’t change the past. Life becomes so much more pleasant when we try to live in gratitude of today. Gratitude makes sense of our past mistakes, creates harmony for today, and plants the seeds of tomorrow.
They have a saying in Tibet. “If you lose your temper and get angry, bite your knuckles.” This means that if you lose your temper, do not show it to others. Rather, say to yourself, "Leave it."
–The Dalai Lama–
Without question, anger is my most damaging emotion. My Irish temper would flare up at the littlest things, and I could go from pissed off to rage in a New York minute. Not once can I ever recall that anger helped the situation. In fact, it always ended up hurting me, causing more internal strife, and pushing people out of my life. No one wants to be around a walking time bomb! I am so thankful that we have a program that shows us so clearly that our anger and resentments only damage us. I have not been perfect throughout sobriety when it comes to anger, but as the years pass, the instances have become few and far between. I am proud to say that in sobriety, I have never physically acted out on my anger. We are not responsible for our first thought, but we are absolutely responsible for our first action (or reaction). People can be very annoying, and we let them push our buttons, but today we don’t have to show up for every fight we are invited. The realization and full acceptance that anger, and holding on to resentments, only hurts us is usually enough to keep us in check. I no longer have to die from a thousand stings from a single bee. For me, I had to add a few more friendly reminders like immediately asking God to remove the resentment, calling an AA friend, and reflecting on my part. I also say to myself this simple mantra, “Every minute I’m angry, I waste 60 seconds of happiness.”
Great old show. Did you know they gave him peanut butter to make his lips move? And that theme song!! A classic. Now it will be in your head all day. You’re welcome.
Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. This sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings.
Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 47 - 48
As I reflect back on when I first got sober, I can laugh at myself on how obstinate I was when it came to God and spirituality. It’s easy for me to now see that my disease was just looking for a loophole to hit the door. I discarded the notion of spirituality with the simplistic thought that, “I tried it growing up, but it never worked for me.” Thankfully, our program encourages us to find a Higher Power of our own understanding. The God I knew was a child’s perception of God and very fear based, as every child’s would be. I needed an adult’s perception of God, and I found it in the love of our fellowship. I wanted your happiness and contentment, and you all seemed to accept the idea of God. I certainly didn’t want what I had, so you would think accepting change would have come easy. No. I had to kick, scream and resist until I started having undeniable spiritual experiences. The first was that I stayed sober in spite of myself. Others came as I walked through each step, especially the 4th, 5th, and 9th steps. Today, I love my life, and the relationship I have with God. The God of my understanding loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me. Through deep faith, my life has so much more meaning, and I can’t imagine ever living that shallow existence I had before accepting the loving arms of God and our fellowship.
"When I’m willing to pay the price for top-shelf sobriety, ‘action’ is still the magic word."
“Paying the Price for Improvement,” Craig, Colorado, January 1997, Emotional Sobriety II
Laziness could be one of our most threatening character defects. It not only keeps us from achieving our goals, it also convinces us that we don’t need to take more action to stay on a solid path of recovery. It is so true that, “We can’t think our way into right action. We have to act our way into right thinking.” I know what I need to do to stay sober, but it means nothing if I don’t put it into action. If my disease is centered in my mind, then recovery is centered in my deeds and conduct. For me, positive action towards my recovery requires constant contrary action. I can convince myself very easily to just stay home and not go to that meeting, not pick up the phone, not take the time to meditate, or not pick up the pen to write. I also have to remind myself never to mistake motion for purposeful action. If it’s not inconvenient, then it’s probably not service! I know that if I give 100% to this program, just as I did my active addiction, I have a 100% chance of staying sober and on a path to serenity. John Kennedy once said, “There are risks and costs to a program of action, but they are far less than the long range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.” The risk of inaction in recovery is certain, and it will ultimately always lead me down a path of sadness and despair. On the other hand, taking continual action towards recovery reaps benefits beyond my imagination, but it is still up to me to take that contrary action.
"By admitting where I was at fault, I was given the ability to forgive… With forgiveness came a freedom that I had not anticipated. The amends had required nothing but courage, and a faith that my Higher Power would carry me where I had been too afraid to walk alone."
Grapevine, “Scene of the Crime,” Sterling, Alaska, September 1993, Step By Step
For the entirety of my life prior to the program, I was a walking ball of resentments. Life had dealt me a lame hand, and I was going to ride that victim card as long as I could to justify my drinking and bad behavior. I am so thankful that our program had the insight to have us inventory our resentments and to list our part, no matter how small. Only through admitting my part could I find any sense of forgiveness for those I felt wronged me. Finding that forgiveness didn’t change the past, but it did change my perspective on life. It’s ironic that, “We forgive others to set them free, only to find out we were the prisoners.” I had no idea how draining it was to hang on to my righteous indignation, until I was able to shed that anger and to find forgiveness. It also helped when someone explained that forgiveness isn’t condoning the behavior; it’s clearing the cancerous hate from your heart. However, it was still very difficult for me to let go of certain resentments, and to walk that longest mile between my mind and my heart. The knowledge and necessity of forgiveness enters from our head, but it must ultimately exit from our heart. I have made all my amends and continue to make living amends, so the only thing left for me to do is to forgive others and myself. I certainly didn’t come into the program thinking I needed to forgive, but through this spiritual act, I have found a peace I never thought possible.
I will take time today to stop and give a gift to someone needy, smile at a stranger or help a small child. I will take the time to do at least one thing that I usually find myself too busy to do, and I will inwardly smile at myself, taking the time to experience the feelings of my own kindness.
–Ruth Fishel–
At one of our member’s 100th birthday celebration, he said that he already picked out what would be on his tombstone. It would simply read, “The joy of living, is the joy of giving.” This simple saying succinctly captures my evolved ideal for living. Our program teaches us that we can’t keep it unless we give it away, and this philosophy can easily spill out into all areas of our lives. It is also very important that we realize that our giving must be free of ulterior motives, and be altruistic in nature. At first, this transformation is difficult, because self-centeredness was so much of how we coped with life. It’s been my experience that the reasoning for being kind to others can evolve and grow into one without motives. I had to “fake it until you make it” at first, but it didn’t take long for me to see the immense benefits of giving without any expectation of anything in return. The more I gave of myself, the more I became accepting of whom I was becoming. The conscious act of trying to be kind to others started me on a spiritual journey I didn’t even know existed. As I allowed trust to be built through understanding, compassion, and kindness, I was able to connect to people in a much deeper and meaningful way. I’ve learned that life presents endless opportunities to make a deep impact on someone’s life, and I hope when those moments come, I’ll have a hug, smile, kind word, or gesture that will brighten someone’s day.
Skillful speech not only means that we pay attention to the words we speak and to their tone but also requires that our words reflect compassion and concern for others and that they help and heal, rather than wound and destroy.
–Bhante Henepola Gunaratana–
If we speak in anger, we will more than likely make the best speech we will ever regret. My tongue has gotten me in more trouble than I would like to admit. Open mouth, insert foot! Prior to taking the steps, I always seemed to have an overwhelming need to chime in on every discussion. Thankfully, the program, especially working with others, has taught me to be a better listener. If we are doing all the talking, then we are doing none of the listening. There is an acronym that is funny but useful – MOM, which stands for “Masking tape Over Mouth.” If in doubt, don’t say it. So that we don’t inflame a situation with any unnecessary emotional outbursts, it may be better to not say anything when tension is brewing. I also try to avoid the 3 C’s – don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. Words can be biting and hurtful, and once said, we can’t take them back. We have tools to clean up our messes, but trust is fragile and hard to restore. We would be wise to hit the pause button during conflict or emotion, and truly think before we speak (or don’t speak). Another valuable lesson is to manage our tone. Unfortunately, a good message can be totally lost if the wrong tone is used. A raised or angry voice can never convey anything of substance. The person will remember you were pissed off, not what you said. Today, I’m not perfect and still a work in progress, but I am so much better at using discretion and kindness rather than hurtful commentary.
"Let us continue to search our own minds for the hidden places where we still deny love. Perhaps we learned loveless attitudes from our parents, or from experiences in the past. Wherever we picked up judgmental attitudes, they do not serve us now. They do not serve God or the creation of a new world, and serving God is our only goal. To serve God is to think with love. In prayerful request, let us give up all thoughts that are not of love."
–Marianne Williamson–
Most of us come into the program with an extreme amount of emotional baggage. Much of that damage was done living in a dysfunctional family. Many of us have settled with the acknowledgement that our parents did the best they could with what they had, but they probably did some serious damage. Perhaps it was generational, but more than likely, they too had dysfunctional upbringings. Sadly, passing on emotional and physical abuse becomes a haunting cycle in families. When we take the steps, we begin to see how profoundly we are impacted by circumstances around us. Breaking the cycle of dysfunction and abuse may be one of the most consequential benefits of our fellowship. Only by processing my own baggage did I become keenly aware that “everything” I did and said would have a profound impact on my children. I had to learn to love my children the most, when they deserved it the least. Having children taught me absolute unconditional love. I may not always approve of my kid’s behavior, but I will always love them unconditionally. This too is the relationship I have with God. We are all God’s kids, and though He may not condone our behavior, He forgives us and loves us unconditionally. We all have lived some form of trauma, some more than others, so it is vital to process these issues in order to live a healthy life and to be able to fully love others.
“Someone once wrote: ‘Happiness is always a by-product. You don’t make yourself happy by chasing happiness. You make yourself happy by being a good person.’ The happiest people I know are people who don’t even think about being happy. They just think about being good neighbors, good people. And then happiness sort of sneaks in the back window while they’re busy doing good.”
–Rabbi Harold Kushner–
In early sobriety, I would marvel at how contented the oldtimers looked. They would just sit back in meetings and smile. I wasn’t sure what they had, but they seemed to have the answers to life. I now recognize that as being a by-product of a lifetime of service. When we make that transformation from being “takers” to “givers,” remarkable things happen. Our perception of the world around us evolves, and we begin to see the good in others. When we give of ourselves, we begin to appreciate all the small blessings life has to offer. When I had less than a year of sobriety, I got a fortune cookie that said, “The road to your happiness will be paved by helping others.” I had just started sponsoring others, and was very active in the program, so the timing of that message was perfect. That simple saying has become very prophetic and a guiding force in my life. Lasting contentment is an inside job, and one we can only find through service towards others. Being of service not only leads to happiness, it has also been the answer to the noise that goes on in our heads. When those character defects start dancing around in our minds, one of the best solutions is to help others. We come into the program to stop drinking and using, but we end up finding a life of serenity, peace, and happiness that none of us thought possible.
Today is a day of opportunities. I am open and ready to find them all, knowing that I am receiving all the guidance I need to move forward and be happy.
–Ruth Fishel–
Life is a self fulfilling prophecy, and we can only be as happy as we allow ourselves to be. For many years, I sat in self-pity and sadness. Feeling sorry for myself, and playing the victim, was all I knew. At that time, the only answer for me was to numb out, and I did that as often as possible. However, numbing my feelings with alcohol and drugs eventually led to even more destruction and self-pity. When the relentless darkness of addiction led to constant suicidal thoughts, I was graced with enough desperation to enter the rooms of AA. Gradually, and by applying the program, I was able to shed the spiritual blockages that I had created. Life opened up for me, and I was able to see things as they truly were. I could finally see the beauty of a crystal blue sky, appreciate sunsets, and feel the immeasurable joy of giving. The fellowship gave me hope, where I previously had none. Hope is an amazing thing, and from it stems endless opportunities and possibilities. Hope can make the impossible, possible. Each time I attend a meeting, I hear a message of hope and gratitude. When we see miracles unfold before us so regularly, and we see lives change so dramatically, we can’t help but believe that this too could happen in our lives. I know with the support of the fellowship, and my deep faith in God, each day is ripe with some new opportunity to grow emotionally and spiritually. Today, I try to let hope, acceptance, and gratitude be the picture frame of my life.
