"When I’m willing to pay the price for top-shelf sobriety, ‘action’ is still the magic word."
“Paying the Price for Improvement,” Craig, Colorado, January 1997, Emotional Sobriety II
Laziness could be one of our most threatening character defects. It not only keeps us from achieving our goals, it also convinces us that we don’t need to take more action to stay on a solid path of recovery. It is so true that, “We can’t think our way into right action. We have to act our way into right thinking.” I know what I need to do to stay sober, but it means nothing if I don’t put it into action. If my disease is centered in my mind, then recovery is centered in my deeds and conduct. For me, positive action towards my recovery requires constant contrary action. I can convince myself very easily to just stay home and not go to that meeting, not pick up the phone, not take the time to meditate, or not pick up the pen to write. I also have to remind myself never to mistake motion for purposeful action. If it’s not inconvenient, then it’s probably not service! I know that if I give 100% to this program, just as I did my active addiction, I have a 100% chance of staying sober and on a path to serenity. John Kennedy once said, “There are risks and costs to a program of action, but they are far less than the long range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.” The risk of inaction in recovery is certain, and it will ultimately always lead me down a path of sadness and despair. On the other hand, taking continual action towards recovery reaps benefits beyond my imagination, but it is still up to me to take that contrary action.
"By admitting where I was at fault, I was given the ability to forgive… With forgiveness came a freedom that I had not anticipated. The amends had required nothing but courage, and a faith that my Higher Power would carry me where I had been too afraid to walk alone."
Grapevine, “Scene of the Crime,” Sterling, Alaska, September 1993, Step By Step
For the entirety of my life prior to the program, I was a walking ball of resentments. Life had dealt me a lame hand, and I was going to ride that victim card as long as I could to justify my drinking and bad behavior. I am so thankful that our program had the insight to have us inventory our resentments and to list our part, no matter how small. Only through admitting my part could I find any sense of forgiveness for those I felt wronged me. Finding that forgiveness didn’t change the past, but it did change my perspective on life. It’s ironic that, “We forgive others to set them free, only to find out we were the prisoners.” I had no idea how draining it was to hang on to my righteous indignation, until I was able to shed that anger and to find forgiveness. It also helped when someone explained that forgiveness isn’t condoning the behavior; it’s clearing the cancerous hate from your heart. However, it was still very difficult for me to let go of certain resentments, and to walk that longest mile between my mind and my heart. The knowledge and necessity of forgiveness enters from our head, but it must ultimately exit from our heart. I have made all my amends and continue to make living amends, so the only thing left for me to do is to forgive others and myself. I certainly didn’t come into the program thinking I needed to forgive, but through this spiritual act, I have found a peace I never thought possible.
I will take time today to stop and give a gift to someone needy, smile at a stranger or help a small child. I will take the time to do at least one thing that I usually find myself too busy to do, and I will inwardly smile at myself, taking the time to experience the feelings of my own kindness.
–Ruth Fishel–
At one of our member’s 100th birthday celebration, he said that he already picked out what would be on his tombstone. It would simply read, “The joy of living, is the joy of giving.” This simple saying succinctly captures my evolved ideal for living. Our program teaches us that we can’t keep it unless we give it away, and this philosophy can easily spill out into all areas of our lives. It is also very important that we realize that our giving must be free of ulterior motives, and be altruistic in nature. At first, this transformation is difficult, because self-centeredness was so much of how we coped with life. It’s been my experience that the reasoning for being kind to others can evolve and grow into one without motives. I had to “fake it until you make it” at first, but it didn’t take long for me to see the immense benefits of giving without any expectation of anything in return. The more I gave of myself, the more I became accepting of whom I was becoming. The conscious act of trying to be kind to others started me on a spiritual journey I didn’t even know existed. As I allowed trust to be built through understanding, compassion, and kindness, I was able to connect to people in a much deeper and meaningful way. I’ve learned that life presents endless opportunities to make a deep impact on someone’s life, and I hope when those moments come, I’ll have a hug, smile, kind word, or gesture that will brighten someone’s day.
Skillful speech not only means that we pay attention to the words we speak and to their tone but also requires that our words reflect compassion and concern for others and that they help and heal, rather than wound and destroy.
–Bhante Henepola Gunaratana–
If we speak in anger, we will more than likely make the best speech we will ever regret. My tongue has gotten me in more trouble than I would like to admit. Open mouth, insert foot! Prior to taking the steps, I always seemed to have an overwhelming need to chime in on every discussion. Thankfully, the program, especially working with others, has taught me to be a better listener. If we are doing all the talking, then we are doing none of the listening. There is an acronym that is funny but useful – MOM, which stands for “Masking tape Over Mouth.” If in doubt, don’t say it. So that we don’t inflame a situation with any unnecessary emotional outbursts, it may be better to not say anything when tension is brewing. I also try to avoid the 3 C’s – don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. Words can be biting and hurtful, and once said, we can’t take them back. We have tools to clean up our messes, but trust is fragile and hard to restore. We would be wise to hit the pause button during conflict or emotion, and truly think before we speak (or don’t speak). Another valuable lesson is to manage our tone. Unfortunately, a good message can be totally lost if the wrong tone is used. A raised or angry voice can never convey anything of substance. The person will remember you were pissed off, not what you said. Today, I’m not perfect and still a work in progress, but I am so much better at using discretion and kindness rather than hurtful commentary.
"Let us continue to search our own minds for the hidden places where we still deny love. Perhaps we learned loveless attitudes from our parents, or from experiences in the past. Wherever we picked up judgmental attitudes, they do not serve us now. They do not serve God or the creation of a new world, and serving God is our only goal. To serve God is to think with love. In prayerful request, let us give up all thoughts that are not of love."
–Marianne Williamson–
Most of us come into the program with an extreme amount of emotional baggage. Much of that damage was done living in a dysfunctional family. Many of us have settled with the acknowledgement that our parents did the best they could with what they had, but they probably did some serious damage. Perhaps it was generational, but more than likely, they too had dysfunctional upbringings. Sadly, passing on emotional and physical abuse becomes a haunting cycle in families. When we take the steps, we begin to see how profoundly we are impacted by circumstances around us. Breaking the cycle of dysfunction and abuse may be one of the most consequential benefits of our fellowship. Only by processing my own baggage did I become keenly aware that “everything” I did and said would have a profound impact on my children. I had to learn to love my children the most, when they deserved it the least. Having children taught me absolute unconditional love. I may not always approve of my kid’s behavior, but I will always love them unconditionally. This too is the relationship I have with God. We are all God’s kids, and though He may not condone our behavior, He forgives us and loves us unconditionally. We all have lived some form of trauma, some more than others, so it is vital to process these issues in order to live a healthy life and to be able to fully love others.
“Someone once wrote: ‘Happiness is always a by-product. You don’t make yourself happy by chasing happiness. You make yourself happy by being a good person.’ The happiest people I know are people who don’t even think about being happy. They just think about being good neighbors, good people. And then happiness sort of sneaks in the back window while they’re busy doing good.”
–Rabbi Harold Kushner–
In early sobriety, I would marvel at how contented the oldtimers looked. They would just sit back in meetings and smile. I wasn’t sure what they had, but they seemed to have the answers to life. I now recognize that as being a by-product of a lifetime of service. When we make that transformation from being “takers” to “givers,” remarkable things happen. Our perception of the world around us evolves, and we begin to see the good in others. When we give of ourselves, we begin to appreciate all the small blessings life has to offer. When I had less than a year of sobriety, I got a fortune cookie that said, “The road to your happiness will be paved by helping others.” I had just started sponsoring others, and was very active in the program, so the timing of that message was perfect. That simple saying has become very prophetic and a guiding force in my life. Lasting contentment is an inside job, and one we can only find through service towards others. Being of service not only leads to happiness, it has also been the answer to the noise that goes on in our heads. When those character defects start dancing around in our minds, one of the best solutions is to help others. We come into the program to stop drinking and using, but we end up finding a life of serenity, peace, and happiness that none of us thought possible.
Today is a day of opportunities. I am open and ready to find them all, knowing that I am receiving all the guidance I need to move forward and be happy.
–Ruth Fishel–
Life is a self fulfilling prophecy, and we can only be as happy as we allow ourselves to be. For many years, I sat in self-pity and sadness. Feeling sorry for myself, and playing the victim, was all I knew. At that time, the only answer for me was to numb out, and I did that as often as possible. However, numbing my feelings with alcohol and drugs eventually led to even more destruction and self-pity. When the relentless darkness of addiction led to constant suicidal thoughts, I was graced with enough desperation to enter the rooms of AA. Gradually, and by applying the program, I was able to shed the spiritual blockages that I had created. Life opened up for me, and I was able to see things as they truly were. I could finally see the beauty of a crystal blue sky, appreciate sunsets, and feel the immeasurable joy of giving. The fellowship gave me hope, where I previously had none. Hope is an amazing thing, and from it stems endless opportunities and possibilities. Hope can make the impossible, possible. Each time I attend a meeting, I hear a message of hope and gratitude. When we see miracles unfold before us so regularly, and we see lives change so dramatically, we can’t help but believe that this too could happen in our lives. I know with the support of the fellowship, and my deep faith in God, each day is ripe with some new opportunity to grow emotionally and spiritually. Today, I try to let hope, acceptance, and gratitude be the picture frame of my life.
Very nice thanks today is feb 13. Married in 2009, separated working on divorce since 2012 or so. Normally this is the day i drink. But this site helps. Thanks. @Edmund
Glad you are not drinking @Scorpionking1118 and that the Talking Sober forum helps.
I post early evening here in my time zone( PST) for the next day, so that my friends in England that are 8 hours ahead and others throughout the world can wake up and read something that might be thought provoking and have a positive influence on their recovery.
My wish is that you’ll find this post beneficial and productive in your own recovery as well. Good job again on the not drinking, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time…
"Today, I will remind myself as often as necessary that I am not a victim, and I do not need to be victimized by whatever comes my way. I will work hard to remove myself as a victim, whether that means setting and enforcing a boundary, walking away, dealing with my feelings, or giving myself what I need. God, help me let go of my need to feel victimized."
–Melody Beattie–
Wallowing in self-pity is one of the most counterproductive emotions we have. Feeling sorry for oneself is part of human nature, so it takes a conscious decision to snap out of that mindset. We all recognize that staying the victim and sitting in self-pity never gets us anything but more sadness, yet we all still fall so easily into this abyss. I am so grateful that the program gave me such clear direction on how to process the emotional baggage I had carried through life. By thoroughly taking the steps and applying them in my life, I was able to clear away those dirty filters in which I perceived my existence. Helping others was also essential to my well being and a principal way to get out of my own head. It was also critical for me to face deep resentments, which included admitting my part, making an amends when warranted, and forgiving. Another aspect of climbing out of the victim hole was the confidence the fellowship encouraged and nurtured in me. If we walk around life with insecurities, we are drawn into self-pity. On the other hand, if we can walk with confidence, dignity and grace, self-pity melts away and has no place to fester. I am so thankful that the program loved me until I could love myself, and through this kind gesture, I no longer have to be crushed by self-pity and other debilitating emotions.
"None of us has the power to make someone else love us. But we all have the power to give away love, to love other people. And if we do so, we change the kind of person we are, and we change the kind of world we live in."
–Harold Kushner–, in Handbook for the Heart
I had to experience all the work, trials, tribulations and benefits of the program for myself. If someone told me in early sobriety that I was incapable of fully loving, I would have discarded that notion as nonsense. Then, as I took each step and processed life, I began to feel emotions deeper than I ever had before. These deeper emotions shocked and overwhelmed me. At first, feeling emotions was so uncomfortable; I thought I was always on the verge of snapping or breaking down. However, I trusted you and the process, and I let these new emotions flow in and through me. In early recovery, I remember making a conscious decision that I wanted to feel everything, both good and bad. I realized that if I shut off negative emotions, I would also shut out the positive, such as fully loving another. Bill Wilson once said, “When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love.” The program’s gift of understanding and realizing that gratitude opened the door for me to love and forgive myself, also enabled me to more completely love others. The love within our fellowship is undeniable, and we are able to carry that kindness out into our daily lives. I’m convinced that if each of us make a commitment of kindness, that collectively we can change the community and people around us. AA has brought a level of love and kindness to the world that is nothing short of miraculous, and I feel so privileged to be a part of that spiritual gift.
"How then can we let our wills dominate our impulses? The key word is wait. Whatever happens, we must put some space between the hostile act directed toward us and our response. We must distance ourselves, take time to think, talk it over with friends, and wait until we are ready to respond in a life-giving way. Impulsive responses allow evil to master us, something we always will regret."
–Henri Nouwen–
Our book tells us to pause when agitated or doubtful (p. 87), and this small suggestion could be the difference between irrevocable conflict or peaceful resolution. Hitting the pause button before reacting was something that I only learned through the program, but I wish I would have learned this at a much earlier age. Reacting, without thinking it through, caused so much unnecessary havoc in my life. My Irish temper and short fuse was a formula for disaster. As I reflect back, I was punishing myself for, and by my own anger. Impulsive reactions scare and alienate people, and destructive behavior usually drives people away. It is clear to me now that letting my character defects (self-will) redline only cause me harm. Pausing before reacting enables me to lean back towards God’s will. In today’s society, restraint of tongue and pen is not enough; we have to show restraint before hitting “send” in emails, texts, or any other social media. I have found a sponsor’s second opinion to be a godsend when it comes to emotional responses. For me, emotional responses end up being snarky or biting, which results in having to make yet another awkward amend. I was a slave to my anger for a very long time, but the fellowship freed me from this debilitating character flaw. Life has become so much easier to live when I’m not leaving a debris field behind me, and I owe it all to the program.
“Today, help me, God, to let go of my resistance to change. Help me to be open to the process. Help me believe that the place I’ll be dropped off will be better than the place where I was picked up. Help me surrender, trust, and accept, even if I don’t understand.”
–Melody Beattie–
It is interesting that so many of us come into the program with hostility towards open mindedness. You would think that the realization that, “My way doesn’t work,” would easily pave the way for openness to new ideas and ways of living life, yet so many of us die on that hill of obstinacy and stubbornness. I’m so grateful that the program encouraged me to be open to a new perspective on virtually every aspect of my life. Being open minded to spirituality was probably the most important factor of my recovery, and the launch pad for nearly every positive change that would soon unfold within me. Through a belief in the program process, came a small belief in a Power greater than myself that could solve my problems. However, as most of us, I hung on to old ideas and notions of how I should think and act. Not being open to change only trapped me in self-will, which ultimately always led me back to discomfort. Only after a litany of self-will propelled mistakes pummeled me into submission, did I find the freedom of completely surrendering to God. Before we fully accept that God’s plan for us is so much better than our own, we alcoholics usually have to learn the hard way and experience hardship for ourselves. God has never given me more than I can handle, but he has always given me everything I need. Today, I don’t fear the future, because I know God will be there waiting for me.
"I am learning how to cope with life, people, and situations, not as I want them to be, but as they really are."
“Reality Can Be Uncomfortable,” Millburn, New Jersey, July 1971, Emotional Sobriety II
One of the greatest challenges in life is to realize and find out whom we really are. The next greatest challenge is to find happiness in what you find. Our program gives us the courage and blueprint for living that allows us to become whom we were always meant to be. As we clean those dirty filters that we used to view life, we get a new lens to see things from a much healthier perspective. When we see things through a prism of gratitude, acceptance, hope and spirituality, we begin to see things as they really are. Only by seeing the good in others, was I able to come to terms with the fact that I can’t change people, nor do I need to. For me, judging others and taking people’s inventories was an exercise in futility, and this only led to frustration and disappointment. Accepting people, places and things, and the knowledge that I can’t control others is an empowering freedom. I now know that I can’t change others, and it would be wrong of me to try to rob them of their journey towards finding their own truths. The only thing I can do is to manage my own personal level of acceptance of that person, place or thing. It’s quite surprising how much peace we can find in simply accepting things as they are, and not trying to control and dictate all the outcomes.
Today, I will not run from myself, my circumstances, or feelings. I will be open to myself, others, my Higher Power, and life. I will trust that by facing today to the best of my ability, I will acquire the skills I need to face tomorrow.
–Melody Beattie–
In our active addictions, we were lost ships at sea. Life had no meaning or purpose, and we certainly didn’t want to face whom we were or what we had become. I am thankful that I was still in a fog in early recovery, because the depth and weight of the steps would have been too daunting. Had I realized the immense introspective aspect of the steps, I may have just given up and hit the door. Thankfully, my sponsor took a methodical approach to the steps and prompted me through gentle encouragement. I did my 4th and 5th step at around 90 days, which in hindsight was the exact right time. I hated myself and what I had become, so facing my truths took some prior healing and a more thorough 3rd step surrender. Taking all the steps the first time was very cleansing and therapeutic, but as we all find out, there was still much work to be done. The introspective journey of the fellowship has continued for me over the years, and though it can be frightening at times, growing into a better person has been a ride worthwhile. Without question, my spiritual journey has been the most life transforming. One of the greatest gifts of the program has been that the longer I stay sober, the closer I get to God. The closer I get to God, the more beautiful life has become. We don’t need to be better than anyone else, but hopefully with God’s guidance, we can be better than the person we were yesterday.
