"For most of us, the first years of A.A. are something like a honeymoon. There is a new and potent reason to stay alive, joyful activity aplenty. For a time, we are diverted from the main life problems. That is all to the good.
But when the honeymoon has worn off, we are obliged to take our lumps, like other people. This is where the testing starts. Maybe the group has pushed us onto the side lines. Maybe difficulties have intensified at home, or in the world outside. Then the old behavior patterns reappear. How well we recognize and deal with them reveals the extent of our progress."
As Bill Sees It, After the âHoneymoon,â p. 216
After the initial confusion and fog of entering our rooms in those first days of recovery, we all cross into different stages of a sobriety honeymoon. For some, this honeymoon lasts years, but for most, something happens early on that reminds us that life is in session. Another aspect of our changing moods in that first year is the onset of suppressed emotions. All those emotions that we had anesthetized for so long come rushing back. These emotional upheavals are nothing short of overwhelming, and we find ourselves breaking down over the smallest things. Iâve come to realize that these emotions are completely normal. Emotional pain is just fear leaving the body! One of the blessings of our program is that we can jump right back on the honeymoon flying carpet once that life challenge passes by. The more faith I developed, the more life seemed to flow without extended drama from conflict. Issues still came up, but they didnât seem to impact me as much as they used to. So, our realm of being in a sobriety honeymoon is dependent on our spirituality, which also has a direct correlation to our attitudes and perspectives on life. Each day we are faced with a decision to live in faith, gratitude, acceptance, and hope, but itâs up to us to make that spiritual and emotional choice.
Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial. We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 568
None of us come in on a winning streak, so the idea of a spiritual solution is usually a completely foreign concept. Spirituality was virtually nonexistent when we were in our active addiction. In fact, many of us blamed religion or God for our own self inflicted plight. Thankfully, our program encourages us to open our hearts and minds to a new way of thinking and living. Spirituality is not crammed down our throats, but instead, we become attracted to the beautiful language of the heart we hear at every meeting. God speaking through others is one of the better ways of revealing to us the benefits of a spiritual way of life. I was hesitant to embrace God as an answer to my problems, but seeing the contentment in the face of old timers drew me into a willingness to believe. The willingness to believe started me on a voyage to find that inner voice that was always there waiting to come out. Iâm so thankful that the program taught me to be honest, open, and willing, because these were essential to finding myself and an all-loving, all-forgiving Higher Power of my own understanding.
Still goaded by sheer necessity, we reluctantly come to grips with those serious character flaws that made problem drinkers of us in the first place, flaws which must be dealt with to prevent a retreat into alcoholism once again. We will want to be rid of some of these defects, but in some instances this will appear to be an impossible job from which we recoil. And we cling with a passionate persistence to others (defects, such as pride and ego) which are just as disturbing to our equilibrium, because we still enjoy them too much.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 73
There is very little explanation or direction in our Big Book on the 6th and 7th steps except for asking for the willingness and then saying the 7th step prayer. There is however, throughout the Big Book, many examples of how self and our character flaws caused discomfort in our lives. For me, seeing how my character defects negatively impact my life was critical to any hope of finding peace and serenity. If I am truly honest with myself, I can see how every time I am in discomfort, I can trace it back to some character defect that I let get the best of me. Being aware that these shortcomings exist and have a debilitating effect on us is the first step in mitigating them in the future. To minimize our shortcomings, it is also vital to see the connection to step 3. When we turn our âwillâ over to the care of God, we are turning over our âself-will.â Our self-will is all of our character defects. âGodâs willâ are the opposites of all our character defects (ex. Dishonesty = self-will; Honesty = Godâs will). So, that daily surrender to turn our will over to the care of God is directly related to our character defects, how we will conduct ourselves that day, and the comfort level we may experience.
"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden, where the flowers are all dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring."
âOscar Wildeâ
I am so grateful that I am entrenched in a fellowship that encourages so much love and support. When I walk into a room of AA, I often take a moment to let the feeling of love and genuine care wash over me. I may not even know you, but I know we share a common experience and commitment to recovery. This instant connection is the beginning of a blossoming friendship and the seeds to love and true caring for each other. Having taken the steps that allowed me to shed the negative perceptions of myself and others, my heart has been opened to find the good in others. Realizing we are all Godâs children has also been a blessing, and a bridge to allowing love in all areas of my life. Genuine care and kindness is one of the purest expressions of love, and life presents us with endless opportunities to tap into this limitless emotion. When filled with love for others, itâs impossible to be controlled by hate or anger. Our deepening faith and spirituality is also central to allowing love in our hearts. As our perception of life softens, so too does our perception of others. We are all on this journey together, and I firmly believe Godâs intention for us is to learn, grow, and nurture the love that is in all of us.
I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with belief in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or anotherâan aspect of which is acceptance of some form of meta-physical or philosophical reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or hell. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayers and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spiritâsuch as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony, which bring happiness to both self and others.
âThe Dalai Lamaâ
When I came into the program, I was hesitant to embrace the teaching that God had anything to do with my daily life, other than maybe keeping score to punish me later. Growing up with a religion filled with dogma, I had a fear based childâs perception of God. I now see that my childlike fears jaded the many positive aspects of religion. I was confused about the differences between religion and spirituality. I was blessed to have someone break it down for me in early sobriety in very similar terms to those outlined in the Dalai Lamaâs writings (above quote). However, accepting the spiritual component of our program still came slowly for me due to the years of my negative and fear based outlook on religion. Gradually, by seeing spirituality in action at every meeting, I let God back into my heart. I love that we have a spiritual program that emphasizes kindness, caring, and loving action. We learn to build our spiritual bank each and every day through care for others in all areas of our lives. Spirituality is a way of life, and a consciousness that leads to consistent contentment.
"Every A.A. has been, in a sense, a prisoner. Each of us has walled himself out of society; each has known social stigma. The lot of you folks have been even more difficult: In your case, society has also built a wall around you. But there isnât any really essential difference, a fact that practically all A.A.'s now know."
âBill W., Letter to a prison groupâ
There is no greater prison than being alone and locked in your own mind. This is an existence all too familiar for the practicing alcoholic. We were all in a living hell, and for me, death seemed to be a step up. When there is no hope left in your life, everything is tainted with an overwhelming darkness. As I look back, Iâm grateful for this bottom, but I would not wish it on anyone. The debilitating self-pity, coupled with the fear of never being able to free yourself from alcohol was pure torture. There is a beautiful line in one of the 3rd edition stories that sums us up - âAlcohol gave us wings to fly, but then it took away the sky.â They say AA canât open the gates of heaven and let us in, but it can open the gates of hell and let us out. After the initial detox, it didnât take long for me to see that I belonged in our fellowship. You understood me and had gone through the same living prison we all experience. Itâs amazing what we can find in a cup of coffee at a meeting, what we used to try to find in endless bottles. Our members exude genuine care and kindness, and you canât help but want what they have. I am so thankful that I no longer have to be beholden to alcohol, but Iâm also grateful I never have to be a prisoner to resentments, self-pity, or any of the other negative thoughts that kept me from finding freedom and happiness.
Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: "You are accepted."
âPaul Tillichâ
Before the program, I would wallow in self-pity and never hesitated to play the victim card. Needless to say, I was not a happy person, and I was haunted by my self inflicted pain. I now see that it was all necessary to get to where I needed to be, and that was a place of complete desperation. Only through complete misery and torment could I find enough willingness to make dramatic and necessary changes in my life. They say that pain and suffering are an alcoholicsâ best friend, because they are the only things sharp enough to cut through our pride and ego. It has been a long journey back from the depths of the abyss I had created, but it has all been worth it. The Chinese symbol for crisis and opportunity are very similar, and I see that as an analogy of our disease. Through a darkness and a life lived in the shadows, comes an amazing awakening into a light of hope and gratitude. Once I learned that âself was the problem,â then âself couldnât be the answer,â a new world and perception opened up for me. I am so thankful that I now firmly believe that the bidding of God will never take me where the love of God will not shelter me. One of the greatest gifts of the program has been a path in which I can honestly say to myself, âIâm enough.â When we accept ourselves, we are no longer crucified by the burden of needing others to accept us, and this is an amazing freedom I hope all of us discover.
When I first came to A.A., I thought everybody had drunk more than I had, that everybody had gotten into more trouble. But I kept coming to meetings, and after a while, I began to hear the beginnings of their stories. I came to realize that I was on the same road. I just hadnât gone as farâyet.
Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book, p. 369
All of our bottoms are very personal. We experienced a living hell in our heads and saw no way out. We may not have lost everything âyet,â but those feelings of hopelessness are universal. My disease would tell me all the time that it wasnât that bad, and thatâs a voice I have to expel immediately. We hear all kinds of stories when we come into the program, and many seem worse than ours. Our disease will immediately arch up and tell us we werenât that bad. We suffer from terminal uniqueness and are forever swayed by a disease that wants to kill us. Alcoholism is truly cunning, baffling, and powerful, and we would be wise to never forget the crushing feelings of despair as we were hitting our own bottom(s). Alcoholism is a progressive disease that never gets better; it only gets worse. The scouts who go out and test this proposition, if they make it back, come back with the same narrative â It got bad quickly and wasnât worth it! Whenever my disease tries to tell me it wasnât that bad, I remind myself that it could have been much worse. I never got a DUI, but I should have had more than I could count. I wasnât a homeless guy living in a box on the street, but there were many times I had no place I could call home. If I were a cat, I certainly used up all my 9-lives. Our bottom is when we stop digging, and when we stop digging, there is no elevator out of that hole; we have to take the steps.
"Ego was being replaced with self-respect ⌠resentment and hatred were being replaced with tolerance and understanding ⌠fear was being replaced with trust ⌠loneliness and self-pity were being replaced with gratitude and love â all because I was working the program to the best of my ability and wasnât drinking."
âAbove All, an Alcoholic,â Toledo, Ohio, September 1982, In Our Own Words: Stories of Young AAs in Recovery
Change is difficult, and our reluctance to change almost killed us. People are hesitant to change, even if itâs positive change. Itâs human nature to get overly comfortable with what we know, and it takes courage to let go of the familiar. In the past, we hung onto righteous indignation, only to find out we were only hurting ourselves. We let fears dominate our life and control our decision making, only to find out we were holding ourselves back from fulfilling our hopes and dreams. We put ourselves in a constant state of loneliness even though a loving God was there with us the whole time. Nietzsche once said, âThe snake which cannot cast its skin will die.â This is so true of the alcoholic that slithers into the fellowship. If we donât change, our sobriety date will! I am so grateful that our program encourages us to change, and for most of us, this is a gradual process. In many aspects of our lives, there may be a complete upheaval of thoughts or actions, but it is more common to have small epiphanies that push us into a spiritual way of living. Iâm not sure how bad my life would have been without AA, but I probably would have died a horrible death after a prolonged existence of relentless and emotional pain. Because of our fellowship, I have become the person I was always intended to be, and I will be forever grateful for you teaching me the joys of living a meaningful and purposeful life.
Thank you Mr Ed, I donât just call you Mr Ed bc your name is Edmund , I call you it bc your message is straight from the horses mouth. I trust in your knowledge and experience and I believe in every word.
Your a very special human being.
Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many â not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
âCharles Dickensâ
Writing a gratitude list was essential to my early sobriety, and this simple act seemed to be one of the best ways for me to redirect my perspectives and attitudes in a healthier way. However, as time passed and life unfolded, I often forgot that this was an important tool in my tool box. We will all be faced with life challenges, and when these occur, our overwhelming feelings will take over our mindset and attitudes. Sadly, we let our emotions get the best of us, and we end up letting them spill out over the ones we love. Thankfully, we have guidance on how to clean up our messes, but it would have been much easier to just not have engaged in hurtful outbursts. A quick mental gratitude list is usually just enough for me to get out of my own way and to appreciate all the small blessings that are in my life. Quite simply â Live in gratitude. In our 9th step promises, we say that, âWe will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it,â which has become true in so many of our lives. I now see all those mistakes I made as portals to lessons learned. Without mistakes, Iâm not sure I would have been as willing to grow emotionally and spiritually. A simple axiom of life is that no matter how hard we try, we canât change the past. Life becomes so much more pleasant when we try to live in gratitude of today. Gratitude makes sense of our past mistakes, creates harmony for today, and plants the seeds of tomorrow.
They have a saying in Tibet. âIf you lose your temper and get angry, bite your knuckles.â This means that if you lose your temper, do not show it to others. Rather, say to yourself, "Leave it."
âThe Dalai Lamaâ
Without question, anger is my most damaging emotion. My Irish temper would flare up at the littlest things, and I could go from pissed off to rage in a New York minute. Not once can I ever recall that anger helped the situation. In fact, it always ended up hurting me, causing more internal strife, and pushing people out of my life. No one wants to be around a walking time bomb! I am so thankful that we have a program that shows us so clearly that our anger and resentments only damage us. I have not been perfect throughout sobriety when it comes to anger, but as the years pass, the instances have become few and far between. I am proud to say that in sobriety, I have never physically acted out on my anger. We are not responsible for our first thought, but we are absolutely responsible for our first action (or reaction). People can be very annoying, and we let them push our buttons, but today we donât have to show up for every fight we are invited. The realization and full acceptance that anger, and holding on to resentments, only hurts us is usually enough to keep us in check. I no longer have to die from a thousand stings from a single bee. For me, I had to add a few more friendly reminders like immediately asking God to remove the resentment, calling an AA friend, and reflecting on my part. I also say to myself this simple mantra, âEvery minute Iâm angry, I waste 60 seconds of happiness.â
Great old show. Did you know they gave him peanut butter to make his lips move? And that theme song!! A classic. Now it will be in your head all day. Youâre welcome.
Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. This sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings.
Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 47 - 48
As I reflect back on when I first got sober, I can laugh at myself on how obstinate I was when it came to God and spirituality. Itâs easy for me to now see that my disease was just looking for a loophole to hit the door. I discarded the notion of spirituality with the simplistic thought that, âI tried it growing up, but it never worked for me.â Thankfully, our program encourages us to find a Higher Power of our own understanding. The God I knew was a childâs perception of God and very fear based, as every childâs would be. I needed an adultâs perception of God, and I found it in the love of our fellowship. I wanted your happiness and contentment, and you all seemed to accept the idea of God. I certainly didnât want what I had, so you would think accepting change would have come easy. No. I had to kick, scream and resist until I started having undeniable spiritual experiences. The first was that I stayed sober in spite of myself. Others came as I walked through each step, especially the 4th, 5th, and 9th steps. Today, I love my life, and the relationship I have with God. The God of my understanding loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me. Through deep faith, my life has so much more meaning, and I canât imagine ever living that shallow existence I had before accepting the loving arms of God and our fellowship.
"When Iâm willing to pay the price for top-shelf sobriety, âactionâ is still the magic word."
âPaying the Price for Improvement,â Craig, Colorado, January 1997, Emotional Sobriety II
Laziness could be one of our most threatening character defects. It not only keeps us from achieving our goals, it also convinces us that we donât need to take more action to stay on a solid path of recovery. It is so true that, âWe canât think our way into right action. We have to act our way into right thinking.â I know what I need to do to stay sober, but it means nothing if I donât put it into action. If my disease is centered in my mind, then recovery is centered in my deeds and conduct. For me, positive action towards my recovery requires constant contrary action. I can convince myself very easily to just stay home and not go to that meeting, not pick up the phone, not take the time to meditate, or not pick up the pen to write. I also have to remind myself never to mistake motion for purposeful action. If itâs not inconvenient, then itâs probably not service! I know that if I give 100% to this program, just as I did my active addiction, I have a 100% chance of staying sober and on a path to serenity. John Kennedy once said, âThere are risks and costs to a program of action, but they are far less than the long range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.â The risk of inaction in recovery is certain, and it will ultimately always lead me down a path of sadness and despair. On the other hand, taking continual action towards recovery reaps benefits beyond my imagination, but it is still up to me to take that contrary action.
"By admitting where I was at fault, I was given the ability to forgive⌠With forgiveness came a freedom that I had not anticipated. The amends had required nothing but courage, and a faith that my Higher Power would carry me where I had been too afraid to walk alone."
Grapevine, âScene of the Crime,â Sterling, Alaska, September 1993, Step By Step
For the entirety of my life prior to the program, I was a walking ball of resentments. Life had dealt me a lame hand, and I was going to ride that victim card as long as I could to justify my drinking and bad behavior. I am so thankful that our program had the insight to have us inventory our resentments and to list our part, no matter how small. Only through admitting my part could I find any sense of forgiveness for those I felt wronged me. Finding that forgiveness didnât change the past, but it did change my perspective on life. Itâs ironic that, âWe forgive others to set them free, only to find out we were the prisoners.â I had no idea how draining it was to hang on to my righteous indignation, until I was able to shed that anger and to find forgiveness. It also helped when someone explained that forgiveness isnât condoning the behavior; itâs clearing the cancerous hate from your heart. However, it was still very difficult for me to let go of certain resentments, and to walk that longest mile between my mind and my heart. The knowledge and necessity of forgiveness enters from our head, but it must ultimately exit from our heart. I have made all my amends and continue to make living amends, so the only thing left for me to do is to forgive others and myself. I certainly didnât come into the program thinking I needed to forgive, but through this spiritual act, I have found a peace I never thought possible.
I will take time today to stop and give a gift to someone needy, smile at a stranger or help a small child. I will take the time to do at least one thing that I usually find myself too busy to do, and I will inwardly smile at myself, taking the time to experience the feelings of my own kindness.
âRuth Fishelâ
At one of our memberâs 100th birthday celebration, he said that he already picked out what would be on his tombstone. It would simply read, âThe joy of living, is the joy of giving.â This simple saying succinctly captures my evolved ideal for living. Our program teaches us that we canât keep it unless we give it away, and this philosophy can easily spill out into all areas of our lives. It is also very important that we realize that our giving must be free of ulterior motives, and be altruistic in nature. At first, this transformation is difficult, because self-centeredness was so much of how we coped with life. Itâs been my experience that the reasoning for being kind to others can evolve and grow into one without motives. I had to âfake it until you make itâ at first, but it didnât take long for me to see the immense benefits of giving without any expectation of anything in return. The more I gave of myself, the more I became accepting of whom I was becoming. The conscious act of trying to be kind to others started me on a spiritual journey I didnât even know existed. As I allowed trust to be built through understanding, compassion, and kindness, I was able to connect to people in a much deeper and meaningful way. Iâve learned that life presents endless opportunities to make a deep impact on someoneâs life, and I hope when those moments come, Iâll have a hug, smile, kind word, or gesture that will brighten someoneâs day.
Skillful speech not only means that we pay attention to the words we speak and to their tone but also requires that our words reflect compassion and concern for others and that they help and heal, rather than wound and destroy.
âBhante Henepola Gunaratanaâ
If we speak in anger, we will more than likely make the best speech we will ever regret. My tongue has gotten me in more trouble than I would like to admit. Open mouth, insert foot! Prior to taking the steps, I always seemed to have an overwhelming need to chime in on every discussion. Thankfully, the program, especially working with others, has taught me to be a better listener. If we are doing all the talking, then we are doing none of the listening. There is an acronym that is funny but useful â MOM, which stands for âMasking tape Over Mouth.â If in doubt, donât say it. So that we donât inflame a situation with any unnecessary emotional outbursts, it may be better to not say anything when tension is brewing. I also try to avoid the 3 Câs â donât criticize, condemn, or complain. Words can be biting and hurtful, and once said, we canât take them back. We have tools to clean up our messes, but trust is fragile and hard to restore. We would be wise to hit the pause button during conflict or emotion, and truly think before we speak (or donât speak). Another valuable lesson is to manage our tone. Unfortunately, a good message can be totally lost if the wrong tone is used. A raised or angry voice can never convey anything of substance. The person will remember you were pissed off, not what you said. Today, Iâm not perfect and still a work in progress, but I am so much better at using discretion and kindness rather than hurtful commentary.
