"Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Suffering follows an evil thought as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draws it. Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves."
–The Dhammapada–
We are what we think, do and feel. What we think, and what we do, are completely up to us. What we think and do will dictate how we feel. So, our existence is ultimately shaped by what we think. What we think also becomes our perception, and our perception becomes our reality. If we are honest with ourselves, we can readily see that life becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can’t possibly have a positive life with a negative mind; yet we slip into self-pity regularly by making excuses for not doing something we know we should/can do. Sadly, negative thoughts and emotions tend to magnify more easily then a positive outlook, so a conscious decision to try to be optimistic is essential. Having an awareness that our thoughts and feelings can so actively multiply in our heads, we can catch ourselves and try to switch gears to more positive thoughts, such as gratitude, or what we can do for others. For me, it is just as critical to “act as if,” and that usually starts with open body language and a smile. They say that we are not fully dressed without a smile, and I love that this simple gesture can be so infectious. Laughter is also transmittable and mood healing, which is why we love the levity at meetings so much. Our attitudes, positive or negative, are contagious, so we need to ask ourselves, “Is mine worth catching?
Sometimes, when friends tell us how well we are doing, we know better inside. We know we aren’t doing well enough. We still can’t handle life, as life is. There must be a serious flaw somewhere in our spiritual practice and development. What, then, is it? The chances are better than even that we shall locate our trouble in our misunderstanding or neglect of A.A.'s Step Eleven – prayer, meditation and the guidance of God. The other Steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning. But Step Eleven can keep us growing, if we try hard and work at it continually.
As Bill Sees It, The Step That Keeps Us growing, p.264
This passage in “As Bill Sees It” resonates with me on so many levels. It is clear that Bill still struggled with life, even though most people put him up on a pedestal. Life is in session, and hardship and down periods are inevitable for all of us. When these challenges arise, we would be wise to lean back into the program and to use our spiritual bank account. Just as life can be expected to throw us curve balls, so too can we expect that the answer lies deep within our spirituality. Whenever life slaps me in the face, I know I can always find solace in prayer and meditation. In prayer we ask the questions, and in meditation, we hear the answers. God’s whispers always seem so calming, and I can’t help but feel everything will be alright. Building faith takes time and life experiences, but it is one of the best journeys anyone can benefit from. Living in Step 11 can be one of the most influential ways one can grow emotionally and spiritually, and we owe it all to the fellowship.
My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements.
Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 13 - 14
When you read the interaction between Ebby Thatcher and Bill Wilson on pages 13 and14, it is clear that Ebby was walking Bill through all twelve steps, even before the twelve steps existed. Ebby’s experience with the Oxford group had led him to a path of spirituality that provided relief from his chronic alcoholism, and he was rightfully excited to share this with his old drinking buddy. Bill had already given up on religion and God when it came to his drinking, but he could sense the enthusiasm in his old friend. In a moment of divine intervention, Ebby recommended that Bill find a Higher Power of his own understanding. This simple and universal suggestion became the genesis and foundation of the healing spirituality within our fellowship. Bill was soon to have a remarkable spiritual experience, and he never took another drink. So many of us have had similar experiences when it comes to finding and developing spirituality, but it is truly dependent on our ability to be honest, willing and teachable. There are many gifts of the program, but none greater than the gift of a loving relationship with a Higher Power of our own understanding.
Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53
A sign at a local meeting hall says, “Your ego is not your amigo!” Our ego and pride will take us down quicker than most any of our character flaws. Letting our ego run rampant pushes people away, and destroys a person’s credibility. When I hear someone take a “better than” attitude, I usually automatically see this as their insecurities coming out. As my sponsor says, “Ego is the anesthetic that numbs the pain of stupidity.” Not much good can come from ego, but unfortunately, human nature and society hard wire this into all of us. Thankfully, our program gives us a clear path to understand and minimize the damaging effects of our pride and ego. We are also given tools to build our confidence and to mitigate our insecurities, and in so doing, we are able to limit ego from rearing its ugly head. In addition, our fellowship is a “we” program, which is the exact opposite of egocentric. It’s so encouraging to hear people predominately start their sentences with “we” rather than “I.” We are all God’s children and spiritually interconnected, but our ego’s are lurking in the shadows waiting to sever that spiritual bond. We are so blessed to have a design for living that suppresses ego and encourages humility.
"The beauty of sobriety is that sometimes I am the one supported, and other times the one supporting. One act helps destroy my ego, the other my self-centeredness. I need to practice both actions if I want to survive"
“Self-Support,” Los Angeles, California, July 2007, No Matter What: Dealing with Adversity in Sobriety
If we give more than we get, we will get more than we give. Before the program, this was a concept I didn’t understand. It seemed counterintuitive to think we would get more by giving more, but that has become a guiding principle in my recovery. The simple axiom that we can’t keep it unless we give it away is so telling. Giving of oneself can be the key to lasting contentment, but this philosophy is one that we usually grow into slowly. At first, it is essential for us to be willing to accept help. For most of us, especially men, asking for and accepting help is foreign and very uncomfortable. Once we see the true altruistic nature in kind gestures from others in the program, we also begin to see that this may be something we too could do. When we’re down, we know we need a meeting. When we are fired up about life, the meetings need us. The fellowship is a “we” program, and it is so encouraging to know we have an army of love just waiting for us when we need it most. One alcoholic helping another alcoholic is the hallmark of our recovery, but this transcends into so much more. Churchill said it best when he said, “We make a living on what we get, but we make a life on what we give!”
Well said as always Mr Ed, if I don’t give away what I know and I don’t entirely mean knowledge but kindness as well, if not mostly, I die. Have a great day sir.
Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. His recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God, however he may define Him.
Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 99-100
We learn early on, usually the hard way, that is essential to get sober for ourselves. Family, jobs, or incarceration may be contributing factors, but none of those will sustain sobriety without a complete personal commitment by the individual to change their own life. No one else can get us sober, and no one else can make us pick up. The moment we think that our recovery is contingent on anything but our own willingness and action, that is the moment we are headed for a relapse. Besides, our families are usually done with us. When it comes to family, the damage we invoked is usually so destructive, it takes a long time to build back all that broken trust. Trust is like a book; it takes years to write, but we can burn it in a day. Actions, not words, are the primary factors in building back trust from loved ones. Once we learn and accept that our recovery depends on no one but ourselves, the spiritual journey of healing can commence. We are never alone in our fellowship, and a helping hand is only an arms length away, but it is always up to us to make the effort to accept this loving kindness. The program can give guidance, but our spiritual journey is a personal one, and we all must find what works best for us.
Welcome Jeff to the Talking Sober forum. You will find that there is a multitude of incredible people here in our community. Stay proactive and remember that recovery is a program of change. One Day at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time. Please feel free to reach out and contact me anytime Jeff. One alcoholic / addict helping another, that’s how the program works. Wishing you peace and serenity on your journey.
"Being rich isn’t about money. Being rich is a state of mind. Some of us, no matter how much money we have, will never be free enough to take time to stop and eat the heart of the watermelon. And some of us will be rich without ever being more than a paycheck ahead of the game."
–Harvey B. Mackay–
Being raised very poor and on public assistance my entire childhood, I always thought money and possessions would solve all my problems. Society also indoctrinates us into believing that we’re a failure without a high paying job and materialistic gain. Placing our own value on how much we have, or don’t have, can become a prison of our own twisted perception. Not having enough becomes feeling like you’re not enough. For me, some of my addiction stemmed directly from the inadequacies I fostered from being poor; these were memories I wanted to blot out. In the fog of my addiction, I created different personas, and as the book states, I was “living a double life.” It was so encouraging to come into a fellowship in which we leave our careers and status at the door. In the rooms, we are all equals, just trying to recover and find contentment. Our program emphasizes introspection of our emotions and actions, not how much money we can acquire. Money costs too much; it will suck the soul right out of you! The moment I realized that happiness was truly an inside job, was the moment my spiritual recovery started. As I got more active in the program and committed myself to helping others, I couldn’t help but feel I was gaining riches I never knew existed. The rooms of AA are filled with rich people, and maybe someday, they may even have money.
"Nothing could be sadder than to lose touch with ourselves in recovery; to have our connection to our Higher Power blocked by resentment; to be governed by old ideas we are only dimly aware of and that hold us back; or to be reduced by our fears to living sequestered from life. For the sunlight of the spirit to enter, the window must be kept clean, so the light can pour through."
“Safety Valve,” New York, NY, Grapevine, October 2010, Step By Step
Our Book tells us that alcohol is but a symptom, we need to get down to the “causes and conditions.” So what are those causes and conditions? For me, it is all the baggage we carry into the program that we are able to process by thoroughly taking steps 4-10. Most of us come to learn and understand that the baggage we process in the steps are all spiritual blockages. We may think we have a connection to our Higher Power, but we can’t keep a maximum connection with God until we fully clear away all those things festering in our head, primarily the wreckage of our past and damage inflicted by our character defects. If we are honest with ourselves, we can also see that our spiritual blockages prevent us from having complete and healthy relationships with others. It is human nature to build defense mechanism or walls around our hearts and minds to protect us from being hurt. If we trust the process, the steps are a great way of breaking down those walls, one brick at a time. I know that initially my sobriety was contingent on my spiritual progress; now I know that spirituality is the most vital factor for me staying sober and living a peaceful and happy life.
"The slogans are simple things … these AA tranquilizers do not solve our problems, but they can calm us down, remind us of a better way to proceed, and perhaps even put us in a mood to make better decisions."
“Using the Slogans,” New York, New York, November 1958, Into Action
They say that our slogans and sayings are the “handrails to the steps,” and just like any stairwell, you sometimes have to hold on tight or risk a tumble down the stairs. The slogans and sayings were a game changer for me in early sobriety. I couldn’t wrap my head around everything being read or said, but I could hang onto simple catchy phrases. Alcoholics are very clever and witty, so simplifying direction through sayings was a great way of making a lasting impression on me. Reaching out and accepting help came more easily after I heard, “Your mind is like a bad neighborhood; you never want to go in there all alone.” I also had initial reservations about religion and God in early sobriety until I heard, “Religion is for people that are afraid to go to hell; spirituality is for people that have been there.” Another significant saying for me was, “Don’t let people live rent free in your head.” I was a ball of resentment and anger, and I had entire cities living rent free in my head. In order to get sober and find any degree of peace, I needed to evict all that hate from my head. We all have our favorite saying and slogans, and I love that we get to pass these along to the next generations in our fellowship.
Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 102
In early sobriety, as we are still drifting around on our pink cloud, chipping in to be of service at meetings comes easy. We are so excited about the possibility of staying sober and the many prospects that could open up in our lives. As time passes and the honeymoon period begins to fade, service work feels less important. This rut is a pitfall that could easily cost us our lives. The backbone of our fellowship is being of service and helping others, and without this element, we are surely doomed to a horrible relapse. If you want to go fast, walk alone; if you want to go far, walk with others. Have you ever noticed that those people with long term sobriety are all still actively in service? Successful people look for ways to help others; those that fail are always asking, “What’s in it for me?” We help others unconditionally, not because of whom they are, but because of whom we are or want to become. It is clear from the history of treating alcoholism that the essential component of our program, “one alcoholic helping another,” is the linchpin of lasting recovery. “I know the road to happiness is paved by helping others.” It’s also clear that my peace and serenity are directly proportional to my spirituality. My peace and serenity are an extension of my spirituality, and that spirituality is built on how willing I am to completely give myself to others. Where do you find your peace and serenity?
Good Morning Edmund. Amen. Journal full of these great remider quotes.
I find peace in serenity in meditation…gratitude Journaling…prayer…yoga…being present having fun laughing with my kids…hot baths…walking my dog Drake…exercise…a good book…Amen.
"Only by accepting my powerlessness over alcohol did I begin to discover the powers that alcohol had obliterated: God, health, truth, love, nature, fellowship, humor, creativity, and even simple daily kindness."
“In Your Bones,” Barrington, Illinois, June 2007, Into Action
I’m not sure where I would be without sobriety and the fellowship, but I’m fairly certain I would have died a long time ago after years of darkness and self hatred. Words can’t really express how grateful I am on a daily basis for all the gifts of our program. Next to deep faith and a commitment to spirituality, I think a complete change in my life perspective has been one of the most valued benefits from our fellowship. Thankfully, there is very little left of whom I was when I first got sober; it’s as if I see life with a new set of eyes. The program process can completely change how we look at life, our perspective, and our attitudes. As we trudge through our recovery, we often forget how alone and miserable we were in our active addiction. Our new way of living becomes so ingrained, we start to take small blessings for granted like true friendships, camaraderie, laughter, and genuine love. One thing that always brings me back to a place of gratitude is to see newcomers that come into our fellowship completely beaten down, confused and frightened; we were all there, and we know all too well the deep pain of hitting bottom. If we trust the process and stay long enough for the miracles to unfold in our lives, we can get to the place where we can honestly say, “I love life, this program, and all of you.”
Thank you