"It is necessary to cultivate some discipline of mind, for an undisciplined mind always finds excuses to act selfishly and thoughtlessly. When the mind is undisciplined, the body is also undisciplined, and so is speech and action."
–Anguttara Nikaya–
Human nature sucks! I’m not sure if we are born with selfishness, but I know that it is nurtured into us from an early age. My toys are mine, and your toys are mine too. Our selfishness is manifested in our disease, and it eventually takes us to a dark place of complete hopelessness. Sadly, we don’t even recognize that our selfishness is the foundation of all of our problems. Think about this - Have you ever noticed that whenever you’re most unhappy, all you’re thinking about is yourself? Reprogramming ourselves away from selfish self-centeredness begins at Step 3, but all of the steps help us with this essential endeavor. Before I could move toward a healthier way to live, I had to acknowledge and accept that “self’ was the basis of my troubled life and mind. Unfortunately, this is a life-long battle that all of us face. In order to change our selfish consciousness, we need to make a complete surrender to God, and a daily commitment to practicing the steps in all our affairs. For me, Step 10 and 12 have made the biggest difference in being able to adjust my self-will towards God’s will. Life has gotten so much easier to live once I get out of the way. The road to our happiness is truly paved by helping others.
At a time when people are so conscious of maintaining their physical health by controlling their diets, exercising and so forth, it makes sense to try to cultivate the corresponding positive mental attitudes too.
–The Dalai Lama–
The original circle and triangle was an ancient symbol that represented mind, body, and spirit. In sobriety, I have adopted the essence of this ancient proposal. For “mind,” I read or write something program oriented daily. The morning reflection text began when I wanted to encourage others to read something program each day. We may not read a book or email every day, but we’ll read a text! From early sobriety, the commitment to “body” has been critical to my program and so many others. When we suddenly have to fill free time and burn off energy, working out becomes a perfect outlet. With that said, body can be anything physical, such as yoga, stretching, or going for a walk. “Spirit” is prayer and meditation. Cultivating our spirituality is a personal odyssey, but our fellowship and steps are a wonderful mechanism to guide us. Spirituality comes in many forms, including how we interact with others on a daily basis. Are you giving to someone’s life, or are you just taking away what you want? Practicing mind, body, and spirit are essential to finding balance in life, and an incredible way to create a positive attitude within recovery.
If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such code and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the power needed for change wasn’t there. Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly. Lack of power: That was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live–and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.
Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 44-45
In our active addiction, how often did we hear, “What is wrong with you?” If I knew the answer to that question back then, perhaps I would have taken a different route, but I seriously doubt it. We didn’t know what was wrong with us, we just knew our addiction was ruining our lives and everyone around us. For the most part, I thought I was a good dude, but my moral compass was way out of whack. The “yets” became realities, and my standards lowered faster than my actions. Coming into the program, we are told we have a threefold disease – physical allergy, obsession of the mind, and spiritual malady or void. All are important to understand to overcome our reliance on alcohol, but our spirituality is what keeps us sober long term. Finding a Power greater than myself was not only vital to my recovery, it was essential to any hope of finding peace and serenity in life. The program and its principles have become my moral compass, but more importantly, the fellowship has been a conduit of life saving faith.
“…God’s will for us consists of the very things we most value. God’s will… becomes our own true will for ourselves.”
Basic Text, p. 48
It’s human nature to want something for nothing. We may be ecstatic when a store cashier gives us back change for a twenty though we only paid with a ten. We tend to think that, if no one knows, one small deception won’t make any difference. But someone does know— we do. And it does make a difference.
What worked for us when we used frequently doesn’t work long in recovery. As we progress spiritually by working the Twelve Steps, we begin to develop new values and standards. We begin to feel uncomfortable when we take advantage of situations that, when we used, would have left us gloating about what we had gotten away with.
In the past, we may have victimized others. However, as we draw closer to our Higher Power, our values change. God’s will becomes more important than getting away with something.
When our values change, our lives change, too. Guided by an inner knowledge given us by our Higher Power, we want to live out our newfound values. We have internalized our Higher Power’s will for us—in fact, God’s will has become our own true will for ourselves.
Just for today:By improving my conscious contact with God, my values have changed. Today, I will practice God’s will, my own true will.
"Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths, or the turning inwards in prayer for five short minutes."
–Etty Hillesum–
The lifestyle of someone in their active addiction is frenetic at best. We were never in the moment, and the pursuit of numbing out was a constant chase. We gave ourselves no opportunity to appreciate the small blessings in life, which also meant that gratitude was practically nonexistent. Removing the chemicals from our body enabled us to slow everything down. For me, it was as if I was finally able to come up for air. I was drowning in unbridled self-pity, fear, and anger, so slowing my life down allowed much needed introspection. At a meeting I went to in early sobriety, they had a 10-minute segment for meditation that started with two deep cleansing breaths. There was something magical about inhaling and holding it for a couple seconds, and then exhaling slowly and completely. Adopting this exercise became a regular habit, and this pause allowed those things that are worthwhile in life to catch up to me. We are also encouraged to seek relief through prayer from fear (future tripping), resentment or any of our character defects that inhibit our happiness. Taking a few moments to pause and pray is usually enough to redirect our mind in a more positive way. It’s quite remarkable how a couple deep breaths, or a moment of prayer, can have such a profound impact on our lives.
Through the vital Fifth Step, we began to get the feeling that we could be forgiven, no matter what we had thought or done. Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisers that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we’d be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.
As Bill Sees It, Forgiveness, p. 318
When we complete our 5th step, it could potentially change us forever. We see our part in resentments that we carried for years, and we also see how our character defects were usually right in the middle of these issues. However, there is still work to be done, if we are to be truly free of our debilitating resentments. Besides admitting our part, we learn to pray for these people, and we ask God to remove this haunting anger. I have always believed that there are two final steps, and those are forgiveness and acceptance. But how do we forgive the unforgivable, such as the horrendous child abuse so many of us endured? Here is the point – forgiving is not condoning the bad behavior; it’s recognizing that we can’t carry around that cancerous hate in our heart. I refuse to let anyone have power over my serenity or happiness. Once we learn to forgive others, we begin that long journey to finally forgive ourselves, which will ultimately lead to greater acceptance of others. It took many years, but I am so grateful to the fellowship for holding my hand throughout this essential life nurturing proposition to forgive others and myself.
"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."
–Dr. Albert Schweitzer–
What defines success? For us, each day sober is nothing short of success, but society won’t fully grant us this victory. We learn from an early age that our success will be determined by how much money we make, the cars we drive, or the houses we live in. Sadly, this shallow perspective is like a dark shadow that never leaves us. For many of us, trying to find happiness through materialistic gain was partially the cause and manifestation of our disease. Coming into the program, we begin to redefine success in a healthy way, which includes looking inward rather than outward. Happiness is an inside job, and success then comes from knowing that you did your best to be your best. I’ve always liked our saying that, “Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.” We can only be as happy as we allow ourselves to be, and that generally begins with accepting people, places, and things. It is essential to find acceptance in what we have today, and the recognition that we have all we need. Finding a degree of appreciation and gratitude in each day can lead to happiness and a fulfilling life. Success may have many descriptions, but another day sober, and finding peace and serenity, are by far some of the most cherished gifts of our fellowship.
"How wonderful to be sober, to be able to think clearly (at times, at least), and to become aware of some portion of the greater wisdom concealed so deeply within myself."
“A New Way of Looking at Life,” Columbus, Ohio, April 1981, Voices of Long-Term Sobriety
Most of us come into the program a little nuts (NUTS – Not Using The Steps!). Certainly the way we lived our lives was insane. Sadly, our base line behavior was laced with alcohol, and our abnormal thoughts and actions became our normal. When I first got sober, I felt like I was living life upside down! Let’s face it; we are all here, becomes we are not all there. I was three gallons of crazy in a one-gallon bucket, and it was exhausting always having to try to clean up the mess. What I like about the program, is that you can walk into a meeting a bit off, and the bus of sanity always comes along for us to jump on. I came into the program thinking I had permanent brain damage, but it didn’t take long for the synapses to start firing again, and for me to think more clearly. Many of us go back to school and do surprisingly well. Most of us take this new found clarity for granted, but it is a true reward of the program. By taking the steps, we are able to clear away much of the useless clutter in our brain. We begin to see life more clearly, and we begin to see things as they really are. We are so blessed to have a fellowship that encourages us to clear away the debris of our lives, so that we can develop the courage to become whom we really are, and were always meant to be.
"If you don’t have charity in your heart then you have the worst kind of heart disease"
-Bob Hope-
In our addiction, we were completely selfish and self-centered. We may have thought we weren’t hurting anyone else, but that was ridiculous delusion. Sadly, our addiction took over every aspect of our lives and controlled every selfish moment. “Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles” (page 62). We don’t realize how true this is until we come into the program and seek truths about our old selfish behaviors. Our inventories, amends, and facing our character defects expose our selfish ways. There are two things that are hard on the heart – running up a steep hill and running over people! Coming into the program, we are so blessed to be immediately redirected to helping others. No other action does more to "relieve us of the bondage of self.” In life, what counts most is not what you can carry in your hands, but what you can carry in your heart. The gradual transformation from a “selfish taker” to a “loving giver” is essential to our sobriety and our happiness. So, yes, we now have charity in our hearts, and that is all a result of a firm commitment to our loving fellowship.
"Everyone comes into the rooms with baggage, and they find people who love them enough to help them unpack."
– Anonymous–
The rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous are filled with stories of traumatic pasts. Some are worse than others, but we all have issues that need to be faced and mitigated to the best extent possible. Our book tells us that alcohol was only a symptom of our disease; we need to get down to the causes and conditions (paraphrased from page 64). The causes and conditions are all the baggage we process in taking steps 4-10. We learn that all the debris we carry into the program are spiritual blockages keeping us from a maximum conscious contact with God. Our steps are the best tool to process our baggage, but we have so many others. We can share with our sponsors our innermost secrets, we can write God letters, or we can share at meetings, to name only a few methods. But, by far the most healing action we can take outside of the steps is helping others navigate through the baggage of their past. No one wants to experience difficulties in life, but these experiences can ultimately help us guide others through similar challenges. The final stage to any acceptance is being able to share your experience, strength and hope with someone else.
"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
– Anonymous–
What if we woke up today with only the things we thanked our Higher Power for yesterday? Most of us would not have much. Sadly, human nature usually defaults to the aspects of our lives that aren’t necessarily going our way. Despite good things in our lives, we still focus on the negative. Gratitude is something that rests in our heart, but the longest mile always seems to be between our heart and mind. So how do we stay grateful when our head is spinning? We can write gratitude lists, but there are so many other ways. If we focus on the here and now, we can readily see that we have everything we need. Our wants and desires drive gratitude from our heart, and they place selfishness ahead of finding true peace and serenity. We can create opportunities to be grateful simply by committing to help others, especially helping a broken newcomer. Simple gratitude is just enough to change our perspective and attitude, and this change of perspective will also change how we view life in a way we never thought possible. A positive outlook on life will make today a success and tomorrow a welcome dream. May your Easter be filled with gratitude and many opportunities to express a loving heart.
"Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace."
– Anonymous–
The reason it is so important to face our fears in our inventories is to free us to become the best version of ourselves. Our fears can control us and prohibit us from moving forward. If we let our fears control our actions, we become unwilling to try out of unrealistic apprehension of potential failure. We are only a failure if we don’t try, or we blame someone else for our own plight. Worrying about the future puts us in a restrained box that limits our growth and keeps us from maximizing today. Alcoholics are experts on magnifying the debilitating nature of future tripping (fear). Our projections of the future are always beyond worst case scenario, but in reality, not once in my many years of sobriety have my fears of the future ever actually happened! The money thing worked out, I wasn’t demoted or fired from the job, my wife didn’t leave me, etc. As Mark Twain once said, I’ve had many tragedies in my life, and some of them actually happened. More often than not, the actual outcome of my fear turns out to be so much better than I could have ever imagined. Gods plan for me has always been better than my own, so living in faith rather than fear is critical to my happiness. Worrying about the future truly does take away from today’s peace. Besides, I shouldn’t fear tomorrow, because I know God will be there waiting for me when I get there.
"Anytime I am upset, I either need to make an amends or forgive someone.”
–AA Share–
When we clean our side of the street, life becomes more serene. It’s exhausting always having to be right. Our insecurities drive our overwhelming desire to be right, but this has an astronomical cost to our own well-being. So often, our pride and ego drive people away and prevent us from finding peace of mind. Pride and ego breaks or weakens our conscious contact with our Higher Power quicker than any of our other character defects. To fully reconnect back with God, we need to depress our ego, and “do the right thing.” Making amends and forgiving others clears our spiritual blockages and paves the way to serenity. During a conflict, the second we start arguing, we cease seeking the truth, but instead, we seek dominance over another. Many years ago, after an argument with my wife, an older woman in line at the market said to me as she saw me brooding, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” This woman didn’t know me, but she totally knew me! I laughed and went home to make amends to my wife. This has become a guiding principle in my life, so I would encourage you to ask yourself this simple question, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be serene and happy?” Today, I choose to be happy.
"I can’t imagine anything that would make me so mad, glad, or sad that I would want to go back to what I was before AA."
–Anonymous–
Each of us has our own bottom, and for us, it was a nightmare. Emotionally, we were in a very dark place. Mentally, our self loathing thoughts dominated us. Spiritually, even if we had a God in our lives at some point, we were completely disconnected from any type of spiritual association. Despite these horrendous bottoms, many of us still seem compelled to go out and improve our stories. It would be so much easier to just stay in the program, but I understand how someone could succumb to that vulture sitting on our shoulder. A slip is always lurking in the shadows, just waiting for when we are most vulnerable. It is somewhat of an embellishment, but there is much truth to the saying, “My worst day in sobriety is better than my best day drinking.” For most of us, our lives have become so much more enriched being in the program. Our fellowship is much more than just not drinking; it’s a ticket to freedom, sanity and a peaceful way to live life. When a passing thought comes up that a drink somehow makes sense, I remind myself that the one thing that can make matters worse, would be to pick up a drink. One drink will always lead to more, and an eventual complete unraveling of my life and dignity. Today, I choose to stay out of that hell I was in, and choose rather to stay in the light of the program.
Unfortunately I can and it’s that fear through experience that keeps me sober. I know that one bad thing tommorow could make me drink but God will keep me sober today if it be his will
