"I’m better able to love people more when the storm of my judgmental mind settles, when I understand and empathize rather than criticize and condemn."
September 2008, AA Grapevine, “The Fine Art of Listening”
What a great description - “the storm of my judgmental mind.” Before the program, I had no idea no how judgmental I was, and how debilitating this was to any hope of finding serenity. Ironically, most of what irritated me in others was actually a mirror of my own actions, but I was too self centered to see it. Once we learn to face ourselves and our shortcomings, judging others seems to fade. Who am I to judge anyone if I am honest with myself about my twisted past? It has been a complete freedom to move to a place where I don’t need to judge others. In fact, I recoil at the thought of judging others. Whose inventory are we supposed to take, right? At the very end of Appendix II in our book, it states, "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance— that principle is contempt prior to investigation.” Quite simply, our judgmental minds keep us from experiencing love, compassion and kindness. Life is so much more fulfilling when I allow love and kindness to flow freely. If I’m living in resentment or judgment of others, I’m closing the door on my emotional and spiritual growth. Today, I will try to avoid the dreaded and judgmental 3 C’s - don’t condemn, criticize or complain.
"Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves to others."
Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book p. 159
The aforementioned quote has become my favorite 12th step promise. Coming into the program, we all had a common goal of ending the alcoholic nightmare cycle. None of us came skipping into the program thinking I’m going to stop being so selfish and dedicate my life to helping others. But as we learn the basic principle of maintaining sobriety - one alcoholic helping another - we also learn that we can gain peace and happiness that we never knew possible by simply extending our kindness to others. Committing to help others has completely changed my life and mindset. When I’m serving others, I’m not thinking about myself, and that is an amazing freedom. If I’m in my own head, chances are I’m projecting out into the unknown future or unchangeable past. They have done studies that have determined that hugs and laughter can literally change our biochemistry in a positive way, but I also firmly believe the same is true about giving to others. The feelings I get when I completely give myself to others is all pervasive and mood altering. The second I turn to help others, I immediately get relief from my own head and feel better. I value sobriety immensely, but what I value most is that sense of calm and peace that I receive today by simply serving others.
“At one time the admission that I was and am an alcoholic meant shame, defeat, and failure to me. But in the light of the new understanding that I have found in AA, I have been able to interpret that defeat and that failure as seeds of victory. Because it was only through feeling defeat and failure, the inability to cope with my life and with alcohol, that I was able to surrender and accept the fact that I had this disease and that I had to learn to live again without alcohol.”
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 295
When we come into the program, they tell us we need to surrender to win. We also come into the program as egomaniacs with an inferiority complex (acting tough on the outside, but hurting like hell on the inside). So, the concept of surrender is difficult, if not impossible at first. Early on, I heard one definition of surrender as “going over to the winning side.” That was enough for me. Once I surrendered and became open to direction, everything started falling into place. We all need to find our own path to surrender, but it is essential to fully accept this critical principle in recovery. But what are we exactly surrendering to? We initially surrender to our powerlessness over alcohol, but this soon morphs into a surrender to a Higher Power greater than ourselves. A daily and on-going surrender to God has become a part of my everyday existence. Time after time, life has shown me that I can’t control all the endings. Life is so much easier to live when I don’t have to live in expectations or results. My daily surrender to God means I’m no longer in charge of the outcome, and that I need to continue to nurture my faith that God’s plan for me has always been better than my own.
"Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out."
–Titus Livius–
Our attitude in life is so important to our happiness. Lincoln once said that folks can only be as happy as they allow themselves to be. So true! Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s learning how to dance in the rain. As we grow emotionally and spiritually, we begin to learn and appreciate that challenging situations happen for us, not to us. Life is one long school day, and we will have to navigate both easy and difficult lessons. So, when life inevitably happens, we can wallow in our own pity party (a party that we try to invite others, but no one else shows up), or we can take our lemons and make lemonade. I had a coach that often said, “If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” Life becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. A positive attitude spreads to all areas of our lives. A negative attitude is like cancer ripping through everything around us. A negative mind will never give you a positive life. A content person is not someone with a set of useful or easy situations, but rather a person with a set of positive attitudes. What we think upon, grows - It’s our choice.
"Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness."
12 steps and 12 traditions p. 67
Rumor and gossip are cancerous! Sadly, human nature in normal conversation can tend to be judgmental. We judge others at work, we judge our friends and family, and we judge others in meetings. However, if someone is gossiping about another to you, there is a good chance they are doing the same about you. I have come to see that criticizing others is just a dishonest form of self praise. When we judge and criticize others, we are basically saying we are better then you or that person. That is nothing short of a shallow and delusional existence. As the leader of a large organization, I tried to squelch gossip and rumor, because I saw how damaging it was to morale. Gossip and rumors can tear apart an organization quicker than anything else. Throughout my career, it was an uphill battle to minimize this engrained human nature that lurks in all of us. In our program, “love and tolerance is our code,” so we all have to make an individual commitment to refrain from rumor, gossip, and judgment of others. Why? Because we all need a safe haven of mutual trust, respect and love. I can’t imagine how bad my life would be if it had not been for the safe and comforting feeling I got in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
"I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t, and die to find out there is."
–Albert Camus–
So many alcoholics come into the program with a spiritual void, me included. We fight the concept of a Higher Power and question the relevance to getting clean and sober. As we get sober and see how other people’s lives are enriched through spirituality, we begin to open our hearts to a God of our own understanding. Gaining belief and faith in God is a gradual process for most, but it usually starts with God speaking through others at meetings. We may not believe at first, but we believe you believe, and your life seems to be so much better for it. Letting God into my heart has made my life so much more than I could have ever imagined, and all of it is a direct result of AA nurturing a blossoming belief and trust in a Higher Power. However, my complete faith only came after years of walking through numerous life difficulties and challenges, and always discovering that God’s plan for me was always better than my own. For me, to question the existence of God and heaven is pointless and irrelevant. My life is so much better “having faith” that God will always be there for me. Today, I will try to stay in complete faith by practicing God’s will and practicing care and compassion in my thoughts and actions.
“A Big Book falling apart is normally an AA member that is not. Walk softly and carry a Big Book.”
–AA Share–
Most newcomer AA’s are intimidated by the Big Book, or any book for that matter. Our minds are too hazy to read and comprehend complete thoughts, let alone a book with so much depth and meaning. Many of us even question whether we have irreversible brain damage from our extensive drinking and using; I know I did. The book seems a daunting and unrealistic task, so we generally just compartmentalize this task for another day. Then we discover that it is really only the first 164 pages (you can work all 12 steps through page 103), and we can read it in bite size portions. We hear suggestions like just reading one page each day, or if we are lucky enough, we may find a sponsor willing to walk us through it line by line. We also discover that the Big Book comes alive when we read it, and we always seem to find something that we need to read right at that moment in our lives. It has always amazed me how well our book transcends time and cultures; it’s as if it is a fluid living organism. The biggest mistake we can make is to take the Big Book for granted, and not read and reread it often. The Big Book is our road map to recovery, and an instruction manual to finding happiness in life. Read the book like your life depends on it, because it does!
"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85
“All we have is today.” We have heard it many times in meetings, but most of us just pay it lip service. When we let our mind take us to what we need to do tomorrow, next week or month, we are cutting off our connection with God today. Projecting our wants for the future is also a spiritual disconnect that cuts us off from truly enjoying the small blessings in the here and now. After a few years, many of us start to take our sobriety for granted, which could be the biggest mistake of our lives. Life gets good, and we settle into a minimal program routine. As we let other things become a higher priority than the program and our spirituality, we see our inner peace and serenity slip away. We deplete our spiritual bank with self will and begin that beleaguered wander away from God will for me, I know that it is critical to build up my spiritual bank by going to meetings, being of service, and helping others in all I do; I need to approach service as a life or death errand in order to be able to face the inevitable challenge against that first drink. There is no human defense against that first drink; a developed conscious contact with God is our only true shield of armor. The formula to stay spiritually fit is quite simple - trust God, keep your house in order (practice the steps), and be caring and compassionate to others.
"There are three steps to becoming a loving person: love yourself, be yourself, forgive yourself."
We come into this program with so much self loathing. We hate whom we were, and what we had become. We certainly had a love void or twisted perception of love. We would fall into toxic relationships riddled with sick dependencies that we convinced ourselves was love. It is impossible to truly love others unless you can find peace within yourself. I heard in a meeting that forgiveness is the final form of love. This may be true, but we need to forgive ourselves before we can fully forgive others. The saying, “Let us love you, until you can love yourself,” was such an important part of my recovery, and this became a gateway for me to completely love others. I will be forever grateful to those loving members that accepted me with kindness in my reckless early sobriety. Their loving actions modeled the way to a life I never knew existed. To be loving, we must face our own truths and find a path towards being nonjudgmental of others. Love is an act of selflessness, sacrifice, and lack of expectation. When I’m thinking less of me, and more of what I can do for you, I feel the spirit of love and kindness well up throughout me. As hard as it is to get out of self and be loving at times, I often remind myself that love is never a wasted emotion.
"You can do this thing one of two ways; The hard way or the easy way. The hard way is to do it on your own, the easy way is to know you can’t."
–Chuck C.–
All of us were habitual “relapsers” long before we came to the program. I can’t count how many times I swore off alcohol. Before the program, we all thought that our drinking was some kind of character flaw or lack of willpower. We would try to stop drinking by white knuckling through periods, but it never lasted. If there is a harder way to do something, an alcoholic will find it! The obsession to drink always won, because the enemy had outposts firmly planted in our head. Coming into the program, we discovered the “we” concept that has changed our lives forever. “We” is the first word in our steps and is mentioned in 6 of the 12 steps. “We” is also the first word in the Doctor’s Opinion, which is generally accepted as the beginning of our text. It is abundantly clear to me that “I can’t” stay sober, but “we can.” It does not take long for us to have the next epiphany, which is the understanding that the fellowship is not only support for me to stay sober, it can help in every area of my life. I am no longer alone in any of life’s inevitable difficulties, and all I have to do is reach my hand out to another member of our program for care and support. We never have to be alone ever again.
"God, how grateful I am for this… No more nights in the dark, hiding alone, sucking down my 4th bottle for the night… Empty soul. Hundreds of names on my contact list, not one I can call ‘friend’."
–Pastor Tom–
When I read this quote, it brought me right back to that incredibly dark place I was in for so long before surrendering to the program. Being alone can be isolation, but for me, it was just as bad being in a room of people and not feeling a connection with anyone. Alone in a room of people with only your feelings of self loathing, and self doubt, was sheer torture. Of course we drank; how could we not. Now, I can walk into any room of AA and feel an instant connection. This later evolved into a pervasive feeling of interconnectedness with all of God’s children. In early recovery, we are bonded by a common history of alcoholism and all the associated trash of our addiction, but as we stay in the middle of the program, our connection progresses into one based on spirituality and bettering our lives. I cherish that feeling of safety and identification I instantly get in our treasured rooms. I’m home! The friendships I have made in our fellowship, like Pastor Tom, are true, pure and whole. Today, I’m so grateful and proud to be able to say, “I love all my friends in AA.”
"A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else."
–John Burroughs–
Before my commitment to the principles of the program, such as honesty and accountability, my insecurities kept me from being able to admit fault or failure. What I learned was that if you’re honest and admit your mistakes, people will respect and trust you more. You lose respect being stubborn and always having to “be right.” This was an incredible life and business lesson that served me well in relationships and my career. Learning from our mistakes can become an opportunity for further emotional growth and spiritual discovery. There is immense freedom in being fallible and human. Thank God the program has taught us to “have the courage to change the things we can.” For many of us, this freedom begins when we face “our part” in resentments identified in our 4th step. As we take this journey, we build the necessary courage to take risks (go back to school, start a business, etc.) to improve our lives. There is much spiritual development in being accountable, and responsible enough to readily admit our missteps as we navigate through life, our hopes and dreams. Today, I know I am 100% accountable for my own actions and reactions.
"Prayer asks the question. Meditation listens for the answer.”
-Unknown-
When I first time came into the program, I was told to pray to a God I didn’t believe had anything to do with recovery or daily human life. They said, “Pray for 90 days, and if your life doesn’t get better, we’ll gladly refund your misery!” Of course, my life got infinitely better, and I’ve been praying ever since. I no longer pray for “things,” but for the strength and willingness to be of service to others. Let your dialogue with God evolve, and amazing things happen. When the occasional “Why God?” issues arise, I often find the answer when I let my mind quiet down. However, there are occasions we are just not meant to immediately understand, but we can still find comfort in praying for enough faith to get through it. For me, meditation, in whatever form it takes, is the best way for me to quiet the hamster wheel in my head. Epiphanies and enlightenments also come from just listening to others share at meetings. How blessed we are to be able to find such relief in simple prayer and to calm our troubled minds with meditation. Today, I choose a quiet mind and a peaceful heart.
"In every A.A. story, pain has been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price purchased more than we expected. It led us to a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain. We began to fear pain less, and desire humility more than ever."
12 Steps and 12 Traditions p. 75
I love the story about the newcomer walking into the rooms for the first time and asking, “What are the dues?” An old timer immediately says, “You’ve already paid your dues!” The price of admission to AA is incredibly high. Our initial club fees usually contain everything of value in our lives, which includes our dignity and an intense amount of emotional pain. But, I thank God for that painfully dark place, because it was absolutely necessary for me to build the willingness necessary to change my selfish mindset. Only from a bottom can we surrender enough to true humility. I now know that all my fears in life are fed by my character defects, and to starve those defects, I need to practice their opposites, such as love, care and kindness. However, by far the greatest detractor to my character defects is a lifetime of practicing humility an setting aside pride and ego, a commitment to service, and remaining teachable to all new things, ideas and perspectives.
"The things that count cease being those that can be held in the hand and become only what can be held in the heart." North Hollywood, California, August 1982, “Savoring Our Sobriety,”, Emotional Sobriety
I have never been permanently satisfied chasing material things, nor do I think anyone really is. Once we get it, we either want more, or we compare ourselves to someone who has more. With materialistic gain, I know the most I could possibly hope for is temporary and fleeting satisfaction. One thing is certain, money costs too much! Besides, if money can solve the problem, then it really wasn’t a problem. I have come to understand that the true measure of a person, is how much they would be worth if they lost it all. I doubt very much when I’m facing the last breaths of my mortality that I will have wanted more stuff rather than have had more loving relationships with others. The program has taught me to cherish and appreciate the lasting spiritual aspects of life such as peace, serenity and compassion. Simply being content is enough for me today. I’m content helping others. I’m content sipping coffee in the morning with my wife. I’m content laughing with my friends. Today, it’s the simple things in life that bring me contentment. I am so blessed to be free from the need to have things to validate me. Lasting peace is an inside job.
"The principle that we shall find no enduring strength until we first admit complete defeat is the main taproot from which our whole Society has sprung and flowered."
12 & 12, p. 21-22
Practicing alcoholics are egomaniacs with inferiority complexes - acting superior on the outside, but painfully insecure or unsure about ourselves on the inside. So, when we come into the program, admitting defeat is a tall order for the egocentric alcoholic. Guess what newcomer - the war is over, and we lost! Once we admit defeat to our disease, the healing begins. When we ultimately surrender, we finally become willing to take simple direction and our new life commences. We later learn that our first surrender was to be one of many. We soon adopt a practice to make a surrender each and every morning. However, just as significant, as each new life difficulty comes up, we are faced with the necessity of another complete life surrender; with each surrender, we develop a deeper faith in the program and our Higher Power. The program has taught us to adjust and adapt to life rather than throwing tantrums and fighting our way through every little thing that doesn’t go our way. In so doing, life issues diminish into manageable events that we can learn from, process, grow, and move forward.
