"Until I could honestly look at myself and see that I was the problem in many situations and react appropriately inside and out; until I could discard my expectations and understand that my serenity was directly proportional to them, I could not experience serenity and sound sobriety."
— Daily Reflections, p. 71—
Until I completed my 4th step, I had no idea that the common thread and root of my destructive resentments was me. To be free, I had to recognize my part and accept my behavior. Only then could I begin to interact with others in a healthy way. I also learned that my part often included “expectations,” which was a dirty word and a euphemism for my selfish, self-centeredness. Our over demanding expectations of ourselves and others sets us all up for frustration and a perception of failure. “Expectations are resentments under construction!” Without question, expectations are directly connected to our serenity, and until I could find a realistic balance between expectations and achievement, I could find little peace. I feel so blessed that the program taught me to accept my part in life and to temper my expectations of myself and others. When I make that morning surrender and turn my will and life over to the care of God, for me, the “life” aspect involves turning over outcomes, results and expectations.
"The foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense."
AA Co-Founder, Bill W., January 1962, “This Matter of Fear”, Best of Bill
We are in faith, or we are in fear. The more faith we have, the less fear dominates our lives. A child’s fear of the dark is understandable, but an adults fear of the light of faith, is just as confounding, limiting and sad. In early sobriety, I struggled with faith. I had to draw my faith from the strong beliefs of our elder statesmen in the rooms. As I gained sober life experiences, and lived “This too shall pass,” my faith slowly grew. So this business of faith, for me, partially came from experiencing pain and life challenges and coming out on the other side alright, as we always do. Faith requires sober life experiences, and that requires time in the program. This may not be great news for newcomers, but there is much hope for those who are willing to do what it takes to stay sober. My strong faith in God has made life so much easier. Faith is taking the journey with few directions, but knowing you will still find your true destination. Fear pretends to be real, but faith looks inward and provides the warmth of hope. I know whatever life gives or takes from me, I will be fine, and those experiences can be shared with others suffering from similar challenges. Today, I choose to live in faith, not fear.
"We are part of the whole which we call the universe, but it is an optical delusion of our mind that we think we are separate. This separateness is like a prison for us. Our job is to widen the circle of our compassion so we feel connected with all people and situations"
–Albert Einstein–
In our spiritual journey, it’s important to be open minded to other ideas and other’s experiences. In early sobriety, as I was seeking a Higher Power of my own understanding, I was fascinated by books on near death experiences. I met one of the authors that had temporarily died and had gone to the other side, and when we hugged, I got this overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be alright. All the near death experience stories were basically the same and contained the feeling of euphoria and connectedness with everyone and everything. Another book that was very compelling was “Stroke of Insight” by Jill Bolte Taylor. She was a brain researcher and had a stroke in her left side brain, the side that defines self. Having only her right side brain functioning, she described a complete connection with the universe. My point is that we need to remain open to the amazing wonders of God’s universe. When we are in a place of complete love and compassion, we can feel that connection, a feeling I often get sitting in an AA meeting enjoying our laughter, support, love, and fellowship.
"There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self."
– Ernest Hemingway –
The rooms of AA don’t care what you do for a living, how much money you make, or how much stuff you have. I love that we leave all that at the door and become equals in this journey through recovery. The only person you need to be better than, was the person you were yesterday. There is deserved respect for our elder statesmen with decades of sobriety, but that is almost always tempered by a high degree of humility by that old timer. What we all have in common is a desire to grow and change emotionally and spiritually. It’s clear that if nothing changes, then nothing changes, so it’s essential to make that all important commitment to truly evolve from whom we were. When I reflect back on my past, it’s hard for me to fathom or believe how far I have come in sobriety and all the changes in my life. I absolutely love watching the evolution of others in this program; something we rarely recognize in ourselves. In a relatively short period of time, we go from being complete degenerates to responsible, kind, and caring individuals. We transform from being takers to givers, which we all find to be the key to our peace and happiness. We are truly blessed.
"Action eradicates fear. No matter what you fear, positive, self-affirming action can diminish or completely cancel that which you are fearful of."
–Mark Victor Hansen–
The program has taught us to “suit up and show up.” We also learn to take contrary action and keep putting one foot in front of the other while continually moving forward. As I reflect back, there were so many times in my pre-program life that I was paralyzed into inaction by my fears, primarily fear of not measuring up to expectations. Life is a self fulfilling prophecy, so our attitudes will inevitably shape our lives. One of my coaches used to say, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t you’re right!” I now know that 100% of the people who don’t try, never achieve their full potential. Embracing the willingness to take action and walking through our fears has been a godsend for me and countless others. More often than not, walking through my fears resulted in some unforeseen positive outcome. Additionally, a strong element of our low self esteem stems from our unchecked fears. Thank God we are encouraged to conduct ourselves in ways that improve our self-esteem, such as helping others, as a guide to improve our sense of self worth and self image. In uncertain times, as issues start to swirl around in my head, I am reminded of a quote by Mark Twain who once said, “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, and some of them actually happened.”
"The moment we catch even a glimpse of God’s will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter."
12 & 12, p. 105
At a meeting not too long ago, there were a few very raw newcomers that shared their utter despair and lack of hope. The pain in their voices was clear, and I couldn’t help but think “that was me” when I first came to the fellowship. By fully committing to the process of our program, I was able to climb out of that dark abyss. I have often thought, if only the newcomer could feel for one day, how I feel about the program and life (4th dimension heart, mind and perspective), they would take this more seriously and stay. Don’t leave one second before the miracle! As we stick around, and we gain glimpses of God’s plan for us, we realize life issues become so much easier to face. In addition, when we clear away the wreckage of our past, and let others love us until we can love ourselves, we begin to understand the Great Reality that dwells within us all (p. 55). That reality is that, “Deep down in every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God,” and that we are here to practice love, compassion and tolerance of others. When concern for others supersedes our own selfishness, we are on a much higher plane of existence; one that affords us a sense of peace and serenity, and most importantly, freedom from self.
"Many of us don’t understand what forgiveness is all about. It’s not forgetting or dismissing the impact of a wrong. It’s choosing not to let that wrong dominate the future of your life and relationships. Forgiveness is “giving” the infraction to God. It’s as if we’re saying, "Here You go, Father; this is no longer my concern. Please take care of the matter in Your wisdom and according to Your will.”
–Best of Bill–
Most of us come into the program with a major chip on our shoulder. Being mad at the world is an understatement! Our deep resentments against family members or others can be crushing. Our resentments and inability to move on from painful experiences haunts us to the point of life paralysis. One of the first sayings I heard in AA was, “Don’t let people live rent free in your head.” I had whole villages encamped in my head, and I had no idea how to evict them. I now know that If I’m pissed off at someone, my only chance of freedom is to pray for them, admit my part, make an amend where warranted, and forgive. When we forgive, we initially think that we are setting someone else free, only to find out that we were the real hostage. I now realize that forgiving someone does not condone the behavior, it just gives me a level of acceptance, and a healthy way to move on and clear that cancerous hate from my heart. An important aspect of forgiveness is that God forgives us the second we act badly; what we need to do is to find forgiveness of ourselves, which usually comes through the amends process. Today, I choose to not carry any unnecessary baggage, and by forgiving others, I can set myself free.
"Our chief responsibility to the newcomer is an adequate presentation of the program. If he does nothing or argues, we do nothing but maintain our own sobriety. If he starts to move ahead, even a little, with an open mind, we then break our necks to help in every way we can."
–As Bill Sees It, Move Ahead, p. 105–
When I entered the program, it was very hard for me to ask another man for help. In my neighborhood, asking someone for help was a sign of weakness. So, when it came time to ask someone to sponsor me, I summoned all the courage I had, tripped over my words, and asked him to be my “temporary” sponsor. Now, when someone asks me to sponsor them, I never hesitate to invite them into the family, and try to make them feel as welcome as possible. I know how hard it was for me to ask for help, so I know it’s just as hard for someone else. This may be all the courage they have, and a “no” could send them out the door. For me, sponsoring others is sacred. I hope that the sponsee is open, honest, and willing to do the work, but if they are not, I know they have a minimal chance at long term sobriety, and there is very little I can do to change the foreseeable outcome. They may not stay sober, but I will! As a sponsor, I put into it as much or more than a sponsee, but I also recognize that “we carry the message, not the alcoholic.” I love the healing tradition of sponsorship and the symbiotic relationship that is built between two people. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be sponsored and to sponsor others. The road to my happiness is truly paved by helping others.
I’m quite excited bc my local rooms are opening soon and I’ve learnt so much about recovery in the last 8 months or so from broadening my horizons with online meetings and having a sponsor. Apparently there will be some fresh meat .
You gotta give it all away if you want to keep it.
Have a great day Mr Ed
"When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, . . .”
–AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37–
None of us came in on a winning streak, so needless to say, we were miles from any semblance of gratitude as newcomers. How refreshing it was to learn that we could find gratitude in everyday living, rather than the cynical or pessimistic view so many of us carried into the program. If you can’t find something to be grateful for, you’re probably not looking hard enough. We learn to write gratitude lists, and an “attitude of gratitude” soon spreads to all areas of our lives. When we allow a positive attitude to permeate our jobs, relationships, meetings, etc., positive outcomes are sure to follow. Lincoln once said that, “Most people in this world are about as happy as they have made up their minds to be." Committing to gratitude is committing to happiness. Our gratitude translates into so many positive attributes, such as a pleasant demeanor, kindness, and compassion. Our success in life, and success in sobriety, begins with hope and gratitude. Let each day be the next masterpiece you paint. How blessed we are to have a program that has taught us such a vital lesson in living a happy and fulfilling life.
As the doubter tries the process of prayer, he should begin to add up the results. If he persists, he will most surely find more serenity, more tolerance, less fear, and less anger. He will acquire a quiet courage, the kind that isn’t tension-ridden. He can look at “failure” and “success” for what these really are. Problems and calamity will begin to mean his instruction, instead of his destruction. He will feel freer and saner.
As Bill Sees It, Results of Prayer, p. 321
In my active addiction, prayer, or even the thought of prayer, was nonexistent. I had even abandoned the typical alcoholic prayer of, If you get me out of this one God, I will… The insanity of my life and disease had drained all sense of spirituality from me, and I was alone in the darkness of my own self pity. Like so many of us, adopting belief in a Higher Power did not come easy to me at first. However, I was beaten down enough to have just enough willingness to allow the love of the program to gradually permeate my soul. As I saw the inner peace you had found, and by hearing God speak through others, I allowed my faith to blossom. Now, I have an open and running dialogue with God each and every day, and I know that I will never be alone again. Life has become so much easier to live, even in calamity, when I accept God’s love in my heart. Life will always have challenges and difficulties, but I no longer see them as tragedies or misfortunes to overcome, but rather as opportunities to learn and grow.
"How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result, and so into easy, happy and good living, is the problem of life itself."
As Bill Sees It, Principle Before Expediency, p. 103
Every one of us had convictions galore before we came to the program. We made and broke promises to others on a regular basis, but we also let ourselves down. Good intentions mean nothing without the subsequent action. Faith without works is dead, but willingness and desire without action is complete fantasy. Even with the requisite action, there is no guarantee our “good idea” is the right path to take. One of the things that I admire so much about the program, is our emphasis on getting a second opinion, usually from our sponsor, so we can filter out bad ideas. We are no longer alone! It is also very interesting that most of us readily accept the direction of those on the program, because there is no hidden agenda or reciprocal expectation. Through our common histories and dedication to the principles of the program, we thankfully trust others in the program. I trust you, because I know you just want what is best for me. And so, our good intentions often become positive emotional results when we become willing to use our program filters, primarily our sponsors. What a beautiful gift we’ve been given to sift out bad decisions and to live a happier more peaceful life.
"The other Steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning. But Step Eleven can keep us growing, if we try hard and work at it continually."
Bill W., The Language of the Heart
For most of us, the journey through the steps is nothing short of life altering. We learn things about ourselves that we never knew existed, nor any idea how these things were negatively impacting our lives. We gain so many new freedoms and cherish our new found peace. Our developing belief in a Higher Power keeps us sober and connected to others in the program in a way we never dreamed possible. As we clear our spiritual blockages (Steps 4-10), we gain a deeper understanding of God and self. We also gain a willingness to improve our conscious contact with God and relationships with others. Step 11 could be the most powerful step for our continued growth. Our founder, Bill W., was keenly aware of the benefits of prayer and meditation as it relates to us growing spiritually. Without question, prayer and meditation are game changers. I am so thankful that our founders created Step 11 and
all its subsequent benefits. Growing spiritually is just another unbelievable gift we receive in this amazing journey through recovery. Growing old is expected, growing up is uncertain, but growing spiritually is up to us.
"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities."
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85
Sadly, too many of us relapse back into the darkness. Some make it back, and they all have relatively the same story on why they went out: "I stopped going to meetings, and “I wasn’t working a program,” are most often mentioned. Despite hearing this over and over, so many of us backslide on our programs, tempting disaster. Those that maintain a spiritual program of action are in the 2B club, 2B here when you leave, and 2B here when you come back. All of us are vulnerable to our disease, and we are lying to ourselves if we think otherwise. We truly do have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Far too many unfortunates have shown us the dire outcome of ignoring this vital principle. What is so ironic is that when we build our spiritual bank to stay sober, our lives also become so much easier to live. So why do we fight this thing? Why is it that we don’t do what we know is right and necessary? Human nature - we’re lazy! For me, praying for the willingness helps. But, by far, my inspiration, greatest peace, and spirituality comes from simply helping others and expressing kindness in life.
"Learning is an upward, ever-evolving process. We will never reach the point where we’ve learned all we need to know. Every aspect of life contains lessons. We can choose to discard them or to embrace them. Lessons embraced lead to wisdom."
–Mary Morrissey–
John Wooden, legendary basketball coach, once said that, it’s what you learn after you know it all that counts. In other words, we can not learn what we think we already know. Remaining teachable is a challenge for all of us, but it is vital to our growth. We grow, or we go. If we stay open to new ideas and concepts, our lives are enriched in ways we could not imagine. Staying open to further learning also makes meetings more enjoyable, because we are receptive to hear new things or perhaps a different spin on an old idea. It’s also evident that if we do all the talking, or let the debate team run wild in our head, we are not learning anything. When we are in our own head, we virtually shut down the possibility of learning something that could very well save our life. We learn to listen, and listen to learn! At times, I enjoy going to meetings with the mindset that, “I will not share today no matter what, but instead, I will intently listen to others.” I hope I remain teachable for the rest of my life - my humility, happiness, and life depend on it.
"Go outside, to the fields, enjoy nature and the sunshine, go out and try to recapture happiness in yourself and in God."
–Anne Frank–
When we come into the program, our lives can only get better. Life issues still happen, but we are so much better off coming out of the emotional darkness of our disease. Early in sobriety, we describe it as a “pink cloud,” but that is usually tempered by a warning that, “The road narrows.” As we stay sober, we start taking our new life for granted, and appreciation for our new life dissipates. Taking our new life for granted is a precarious path to take, and we often get too wrapped up in ourselves and selfish motives. Don’t let the life AA gave you, get in the way of your AA life! We might be fine, but we could be setting ourselves up for a slip. One of the blessings of meetings, and hearing the pain of newcomers, is that we are reminded of how bad it was. An infusion of perspective is the exact medicine we need to remind us to appreciate life and all that it has to offer. Anne Frank’s story and subsequent quote is so relevant and poignant to recovering alcoholics. Today would be a great day to come out of the darkness, recapture happiness, and embrace our connection to God’s world.
"And, speaking for Dr. Bob and myself, I gratefully declare that had it not been for our wives, Anne and Lois, neither of us could have lived to see A.A.'s beginning."
—THE A.A. WAY OF LIFE, P. 67—
Every one of us has someone who helped us to the program. These people believed in us when we had no hope. They supported us emotionally and sometimes financially. We owe a huge debt of gratitude to Bill and Bob, but we also owe their wives, Lois and Anne. I don’t want to ever imagine how bad my life would have been without the program, a program that only exists due to the love and support of two strong and amazing women. Without Lois and Anne supporting Bill and Bob, it is doubtful that the fellowship would have ever achieved the success it has today. My girlfriend, who is now my wife, was there for me when I was at my worst. She took me to my first meetings, encouraged me, and allowed me to grow on my own despite her strong desire to help me. Thankfully, she had just enough Al-Anon to realize this was a journey I needed to take on my own. I owe a life-long living amends to my wife, and I try to show my appreciation for her every day. Even then, my emotional debt will never be paid, but I have forgiven myself and found my peace. Today would be a good day to express our appreciation to all those that guided us to the program and supported us emotionally and spiritually through this amazing odyssey in recovery.
"Forgiveness - I must forgive injuries, not just in words, or as a matter of form, but in my heart. I do this not for the other persons’ sake, but for my own sake. Resentment, anger, or a desire to see someone punished, are things that rot my soul. Such things fasten my troubles to me with chains. They tie me to other problems that have nothing to do with my original problem."
Daily Reflections, p. 88
So many of us come into the program with so many wounds (physical, emotional and spiritual) that our perception of the world is jaded through a prism of anger and resentment. We held onto our “justified” anger like a badge of courage, having no idea that it was killing us, not them! Slowly, we began to trust and interact with others in a healthy way. Our transformation can take months or years, but it is worth the wait and work. How blessed we are to have a program that helps us identify and mitigate our anger and resentments. We have learned that we need to fully forgive, including ourselves, or we will be bound by chains to our negative emotions that are ultimately eroding our souls. It was so freeing, through the teachings of the fellowship, to realize that forgiving is not condoning the behavior; it is just clearing the cancerous hate from your heart. A very wise old timer once told me, “Tonight, before you go to bed, mentally forgive every person that has hurt you in the past.” It is liberating to let go of our anger and hate, and we owe it to ourselves to give it a try.
