"And, speaking for Dr. Bob and myself, I gratefully declare that had it not been for our wives, Anne and Lois, neither of us could have lived to see A.A.'s beginning."
—THE A.A. WAY OF LIFE, P. 67—
Every one of us has someone who helped us to the program. These people believed in us when we had no hope. They supported us emotionally and sometimes financially. We owe a huge debt of gratitude to Bill and Bob, but we also owe their wives, Lois and Anne. I don’t want to ever imagine how bad my life would have been without the program, a program that only exists due to the love and support of two strong and amazing women. Without Lois and Anne supporting Bill and Bob, it is doubtful that the fellowship would have ever achieved the success it has today. My girlfriend, who is now my wife, was there for me when I was at my worst. She took me to my first meetings, encouraged me, and allowed me to grow on my own despite her strong desire to help me. Thankfully, she had just enough Al-Anon to realize this was a journey I needed to take on my own. I owe a life-long living amends to my wife, and I try to show my appreciation for her every day. Even then, my emotional debt will never be paid, but I have forgiven myself and found my peace. Today would be a good day to express our appreciation to all those that guided us to the program and supported us emotionally and spiritually through this amazing odyssey in recovery.
"Forgiveness - I must forgive injuries, not just in words, or as a matter of form, but in my heart. I do this not for the other persons’ sake, but for my own sake. Resentment, anger, or a desire to see someone punished, are things that rot my soul. Such things fasten my troubles to me with chains. They tie me to other problems that have nothing to do with my original problem."
Daily Reflections, p. 88
So many of us come into the program with so many wounds (physical, emotional and spiritual) that our perception of the world is jaded through a prism of anger and resentment. We held onto our “justified” anger like a badge of courage, having no idea that it was killing us, not them! Slowly, we began to trust and interact with others in a healthy way. Our transformation can take months or years, but it is worth the wait and work. How blessed we are to have a program that helps us identify and mitigate our anger and resentments. We have learned that we need to fully forgive, including ourselves, or we will be bound by chains to our negative emotions that are ultimately eroding our souls. It was so freeing, through the teachings of the fellowship, to realize that forgiving is not condoning the behavior; it is just clearing the cancerous hate from your heart. A very wise old timer once told me, “Tonight, before you go to bed, mentally forgive every person that has hurt you in the past.” It is liberating to let go of our anger and hate, and we owe it to ourselves to give it a try.
From day 1 im like ‘look at me I’m different now’ and expected everyone to jump on my bandwagon but people who have known me years already REALLY knew me and although my mind was full of good intentions it’s only by putting these into actions that after 8 months someone actually said I’m being more accommodating later. So yes it’s a very slow process which if you are self seeking will be very disappointing but as long as we are honest with ourselves, kind to others and put our faith in God’s will the rewards are amazing on a daily basis with or without the gratitude of others.
It’s not what they can do for us but what we can do for them.
On his desk, Dr. Bob had a plaque defining humility: “Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.”
Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, pg. 222
I have never heard a better description of humility. Finding true humility is only possible when you can fully accept yourself, flaws and all. Lack of humility often stems from us over compensating for our low perception of self. Humility is so difficult to have and maintain in this world of the complete opposite. Thank God we have the rooms of AA that allow us to be ourselves and to be able to practice humility without judgment. Bill W. once said that humility and responsibility were essential to recovery. However, he often wrote about the difficulties of his own humility. I too struggle with humility, like so many of us, but I’m committed to keep working towards it. I have to constantly remind myself that humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. I know that remaining teachable and helping others, coupled with no expectation of receiving anything in return, is my best path to humility. So, I thank the program with all my heart for guiding me towards a life of altruism and humility, which will ultimately take me to that “deep sea of calmness.”
"Until you have learned to be tolerant with those who do not always agree with you; until you have cultivated the habit of saying some kind word of those whom you do not admire; until you have formed the habit of looking for the good instead of the bad there is in others, you will be neither successful nor happy."
–Napoleon Hill–
From the beginning of this entry into our new life, we are taught to look for the similarities, not the differences. The reason is self evident, but we usually wallow in our own sense of uniqueness all the same. Once we learn to look beyond our differences, an amazing sense of belonging develops and grows within us. Then, as we get time and forge strong opinions about our program, some of us develop a misguided perception of righteousness. As this occurs, we sometimes let the damaging practice of taking other people’s inventories seep back into our mindset. This is cancerous to our own peace and happiness, so falling back on our code of “love and tolerance” is essential to our continued recovery. Let the pendulum swing all the way to complete tolerance of others, kindness to all, and finding only the good in others. When I try to find the good in others, I inevitably see the good in myself. Whatever you are, try to be a good one; be the reason that someone believes the goodness in people.
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition aspired, and success achieved."
–Helen Keller–
When I came into the program, I heard people share that they were grateful alcoholics. As I was just coming out of a complete nightmare and prison of addiction, I couldn’t believe anyone could possibly be happy being an alcoholic. Now, I fully understand the concept of being a grateful alcoholic. It was so necessary for us to have complete pain and desperation in order to get to a point of willingness to change virtually everything in our lives, most notably our perception of ourselves and others. Pain and suffering are an alcoholic’s best friend, because they are the only things sharp enough to cut through our pride and ego! As we shed the debris and baggage of our past, our self esteem and confidence continue to grow. If we are committed to the process, we become whom we are supposed to be, or whom we were always meant to be. As I look back on my recovery, it’s clear that pain subsides once it’s done teaching me a lesson. Throughout sobriety, and especially in times of uncertainty, I remind myself that discomfort builds courage, and emotional pain is just fear leaving my body. I will be eternally grateful to the AA program for building the man I am today. Today, I am a grateful alcoholic.
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol."
Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 84
Prior to the program, most of our default reactions were to arch up at every little conflict or confrontation. It didn’t matter how big or small the issue was; we had to be right. After taking the steps, especially steps 4 and 5, we learn that we usually had a part in the issue, and our reactions were often completely overblown. How refreshing it was to find out that I didn’t have to show up for every fight in which I was invited! If we refuse to engage, the issue is usually diffused quickly, and the other person is left astonished by a lack of response. If I’m honest with myself, those who anger me, conquer me, and I’ve let them hijack my emotional well being. Instead of inciting confrontation, what we have learned is to hit the pause button, and to ask God to direct our thoughts and actions. Life becomes infinitely easier when we find an outlet for our anger, an anger that usually originates from deeper issues inside us. Anger lurks within, usually stemming from our insecurities, but we are hesitant to accept this reality. As our frustrations grow about the circumstances we face today, we would be wise to reach deep into our spiritual toolbox and lean back into our faith and trusting that God didn’t take us this far to abandon us. How blessed we are to have a program that heals our damaged spirit and guides us to a healthier and happier way to live.
"To those of you who walk in front of me in time, thank you for your time and patience. To those of you who walk behind me in time, I’m glad you’ve joined us in this newfound life. To those that have not yet arrived or have left for a time: we will keep a seat, a cup of coffee, and lots of love waiting for you."
A Seat, a Cup of Coffee, and Lots of Love," Voices of Long-Term Sobriety
The fellowship in our program is nothing short of amazing. We have a home and family in which everyone has standing and importance. We are all in various stages of recovery, yet we all readily reach out to each other to share our journeys. We don’t shoot our wounded and welcome everyone back that goes out to test their disease. We know that could be us, and we recognize and honor, “But for the grace of God go I.” It’s quite remarkable to see all walks of life and generations interacting with so much kindness and support for each other. What we have are rooms full of gratitude and love that invariably energizes our life and spirit. Like the quote, I too thank all those before me, all those beside me, and all those that are on their way to join us on this “Broad Highway” to a better life and God-consciousness.
Note - from the 5th Step promises on page 75 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.” Also, page 55, “…if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway.”
Hi Edmund. I’m a new member so still finding my feet here. I want to let you know that I find your posts very helpful to better understand the program and a reason for me to join the forum. Thank you
"Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives."
As Bill Sees It, Daily Acceptance, p. 44
Our struggles invariably come from our lack of acceptance of whatever circumstance vexes us. We get uncomfortable, because we aren’t getting something we want, or we’re not getting our way. We have tantrums when we can’t control the uncontrollable, which is virtually everything outside of ourselves. It’s ridiculous that we continually, and unhealthily, bang the high chair to excess and drive ourselves into an emotional battlefield. We all do it, which is crazy considering all the tools we are given in this program. The first and simplest tool is the Serenity Prayer, which we say so often. Sadly, we robotically say prayers to the point they lose their meaning and become merely lip service rather than a beautiful answer to our dilemma. Another tool is reading page 417 (4th edition), and slowly digesting this spiritual message. We can also share with our sponsor, share at a meeting, pray or meditate to find some degree of acceptance. It is also very clear in our text, and practical experience, that reaching out and helping others is the best way out of a selfish mindset. The answer - give of yourself with no expectation of anything in return. I so love the simplicity of this program.
Welcome to Talking Sober Barbara. This is a great community for an alcoholic/addict of my type. Stay connected and keep reaching out, you’ll find a lot of like like-minded people that you can turn to in the time of need that will be able to offer some incredible support/guidance in your journey of sobriety. Look for the similarities not the differences. Talking Sober has been instrumental in my sobriety along with working the 12-step program of Acoholics Anonymous with a sponsor that I truly believe is my guardian angel. Pleasure to meet you Barbara and again welcome to the community.
"In God’s economy, nothing is wasted. Through failure, we learn a lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is."
As Bill Sees It, In God’s Economy, p. 31
We can’t possibly believe that things will always go our way, yet we throw a fit every time something doesn’t turn out the way “we” planned. When things go sideways, we should learn to adapt and adjust, and generally speaking, we are usually fine with the new outcome. But our initial frustrations are not wasted in this process. In fact, we grow more from pain and frustration than virtually anything else. Our program teaches us to continue to put one foot in front of the other and leave the results up to our Higher Power. When we turn our will and life over to the care of God in our morning 3rd step surrender, the “life” portion is turning over expectations, outcomes and results; we are still responsible for the footwork, but we can’t get wrapped up in how it turns out. From years of sober experiences, I now know God’s plan is much better than my own little myopic and narrow minded outlook. Experiencing frustrations in life often builds character and humility, qualities we should all strive towards. So, we can embrace each day, and all that it has to offer, and know that even in failure, we are gaining much needed humility.
"When my life bottomed out, I had a bedroom of inspirational, self-help, recovery and motivational books. I was under the mistaken notion that, through lofty and insightful knowledge; I could ‘lift out’ of my disease. Instead, God allowed calamity, which led to agony. And it has been this pain which has delivered me so far. My sponsor once said, ‘I’d like to believe that it would be a noble ‘light’ that would move me forward, but actually, it had to be a flame-thrower up my ass’. Anonymous AA Member
Nearly all of us come into the program believing we needed to “learn” how to drink normally or “learn” how to stay sober. We had the delusion that self knowledge would be the answer. We wrongfully thought that all we needed were the playbook or answers to the test. It wasn’t long before we realized that we had “alcoholism” not “analyzism.” Our program is not a program of analysis; it’s a program of action. An ounce of action is worth more than a ton of assumption and speculation. We can’t think our way into right living, we have to live our way into right thinking. Our program isn’t for people that need it or want it; it’s for people that do it! Purposeful action is also key and creates opportunities, but never mistake meaningless motion for action. People learn in different ways. Some learn by being taught, while others learn by being shown. We alcoholics have to pee on the electric fence for ourselves, usually more than once. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
"There will be love and laughter and a delicious sense of well-being down deep inside if you will abandon yourself to the business of recovery – not just recovery from the disease of active alcoholism, but deeper than that, recovery from a former self."
“There Can Be Love and Laughter,” Spiritual Awakenings II
Only one thing changes when we dedicate ourselves to the principles and practice of the program - “Everything!” Before we entered the rooms of AA, our spiritual malady ran deep within us and permeated all layers of our life. We were riddled with self doubt, self pity, self hatred and many other forms of self-centeredness. Then we enter the rooms, and we begin this beautiful transformation into a completely new way of life. Our laughter comes back, we gain a new sense of belonging, and we begin to focus more on others than ourselves. I am so thankful that you loved me until I could love myself; you literally loved me back to health. I am also very thankful for you teaching me that laughter was healing, and one of the most beautiful sounds of recovery. It’s quite remarkable to think that the mere act and commitment to help others would be so life changing. There is very little left of the old me, and for that, I will forever be grateful to our beloved fellowship.
"We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed."
Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 25
When we begin this journey, we have no concept of what the “4th dimension” represents, nor do we comprehend that it would have anything to do with our disease. As we take the first 3 steps and activate them into our lives, amazing things begin to happen. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life changes. We begin to see how our new found spirituality reforms our interaction with our fellows. We begin to gain confidence in ourselves, and our perspective on life becomes much more positive. We buy into living life “one day at a time,” or “in the moment,” and through this practice of mindfulness, we begin to appreciate the simple things in life. As we live this new spiritual odyssey, we begin to see that we are in fact getting tastes of the 4th dimension. Just like finding our own understanding of a Higher Power, we get to define our definition of our 4th dimension. For me, it is where we accept that we exist in a spiritual plane that opens our heart to a better attitude or perspective on life. It may be “God shots,” or moments of “extreme gratitude,” or “feeling you are in the exact right place, at the exact right time, doing the exact right thing.” For most of us, the simple act of helping others almost always catapults us into the 4th dimension, and in those moments, we feel closest to God. I appreciate all those that gave me the privilege of being there for them in their time of need; you lovingly guided me to a 4th dimensional heart in a 3rd dimensional world.
"I’m usually about eighty percent of the problem - well, maybe sixty percent, but the major part, you can bet on that. If I can leave out the largest percent (me), there is hardly any problem at all!"
Houston, TX, June 1976, Emotional Sobriety: The Next Frontier
I used to say I was “temperamental,” 90% temper and 10% mental. If we honestly look at when we are down, angry, frustrated or any negative feeling, our twisted thought patterns are at the center. Our uneasiness is usually the result of not getting what we want or fear that we will lose something we have. As this quote eludes, if we take self out of the equation, the problem dissipates or disappears all together. A primary answer is in the 3rd Step Prayer. “Relieve me of the bondage of self.” That could be one of the most powerful statements in our program. But how do we get there? It’s easy: Help others and “self” gets lost in the act of caring for another person. Self-will, which consists of all our character defects, will always let us down; the spiritual principles of the program never will. Instead of complicating life, it would be so much easier for us to use the spiritual kit of tools laid at our feet. A true gift of this program is the simple act of helping others being the answer to so many of our troubles.
Mr Ed.