QUOTE OF THE DAY;"I was told that sometimes a good sponsor disturbs the comfortable and comforts the disturbed." Grapevine, Dover, Pa., June 1991
In early sobriety, I couldn’t have handled an “in your face” sponsor. Even though I was thoroughly beaten down and open to listening, I still had haunting residue left from a past filled with confrontation. My first sponsor was adept at finding just the right balance of nurture and blunt direction. I try to use the same method on those I sponsor, though I have had many sponsees test my patience. We are all very broken when we come in, so I’ve never endorsed a course of action that would further demean anyone. A subtle, calm approach generally works best, usually by asking the person enough questions that they find the answer themselves. My current sponsor is very good at telling me what I need to know, not what I want to hear. As a sponsor, we have to have the courage to be able to pull someone’s covers and be honest with them, even though we know it’s not what they want to hear. Being honest with someone is always the prudent direction, but we should also try to practice caring, tact, and sensitivity whenever carrying the message.
QUOTE OF THE DAY"In every A.A. story, pain has been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price purchased more than we expected. It led us to a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain. We began to fear pain less, and desire humility more than ever." 12&12, p. 75
None of us came in on a winning streak. As I was bottoming out, I became suicidal and was in a terribly dark place; I saw no way out. I had lost my dignity and nearly all relationships I had with those that mattered most to me. I had no material wealth whatsoever, and I was deeply in debt. So, for me, the price of admission to AA was virtually everything in my life, including life itself. But, that was what I needed to get to a place of complete surrender. I have come to learn that pain and desperation are an alcoholics best friend; it’s the only thing sharp enough to cut through our pride and ego. I know that “this too shall pass.” For me, the more painful the experience, the more profound the spiritual experience. It’s difficult to feel deep faith when in pain, but enough of these experiences have proven to me time and again that no matter what it is, we can get through anything, as long as we nurture our faith in God, and stay close to the program.
QUOTE OF THE DAY;"A friend of mine declared, ‘I used to think I was a perfectionist. I found the tiniest flaws in everything. Then I realized I was not a perfectionist at all; I was an imperfectionist! If I was a perfectionist, I would see perfection wherever I look.’ The life we experience is the product of the vision we use to interpret events. At any moment we can see through the eyes of appreciation or criticism. And we will see more of whatever we are focusing on. We master the game of life by finding good wherever we look. And there is a lot of good to he found."
Alan H. Cohen, “The True Perfectionist”
We see life through whatever attitude and perspective we have, though we often don’t realize it. I used to walk around with a critical, untrusting eye, and I was miserable most of the time. It is virtually impossible to have a positive life with a negative mind. Perhaps some of that negative perspective I had was the darkness I put myself in from drinking, but some of it was just a bad attitude and skepticism about life itself. As I grew in the program, the filters in which I saw life began to clear, and life took on new meaning. It is liberating to no longer be a victim. I started to readily see the good in others and situations around me, and I started appreciating the little things in life. The program has given me a prism to view life in a way I never dreamed possible. Now, each morning, I open two gifts from God, my eyes!
QUOTE OF THE DAY;"Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means."
12 & 12, p. 92
My acceptance and tolerance of others did not come over night. Before I could truly practice our code, “love and tolerance” (p. 84), I needed to work on myself, my emotions, and my perspective on life. As my slow transformation unfolded, and I could finally accept myself, faults and all, acceptance of others came more easily. Accepting others, especially the ones that annoy the heck out of us, is often difficult, but our annoyance can be tempered by the acknowledgement that the person is probably emotionally and spiritually ill. It also helps to have the inner honesty to realize we can’t change anyone else; we can only change our own attitude and perspective, and know we can only change our own level of acceptance of that person or thing. If we can move on to a position of love, all the better, and all that is required is an evolved conscious contact with God and continued spiritual fitness. We are truly blessed to have a program with so many effective tools for living.
QUOTE OF THE DAY;"The only true wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing."
–Socrates–
In life, it’s not always the answer that opens our mind; it is more often the question that sows the seeds of our enlightenment. One of the great freedoms I found in the program was that it was perfectly fine to not have all the answers. In fact, it was the complete opposite, and asking questions was very much encouraged. I found that this philosophy could also be applied in life, in particular for work situations. People respect those that have the courage to say, “I don’t know, but I’ll try to find the answer.” It was also beneficial learning to have the courage to ask tough questions and be willing to hear the answers even if we didn’t like the response. Courage begins with confidence, and confidence begins with self esteem. You taught me that if I want to improve my self esteem, I needed to do esteemable acts, such as being kind to others and taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. When we are right with God, others, and ourselves, we can remain teachable and practice the gift of humility.
QUOTE OF THE DAY;"Every time a problem arises, the essential thing is to immediately become aware that the problem comes from our selfish mind, that it is created by self-cherishing thoughts. As long as you put the blame outside yourself, there can be no happiness." - Lama Zopa Rinpoche, “Transforming Problems into Happiness”
Nearly every perceived “problem” I have ever had in life stemmed from the fact that I didn’t get my way (what I want), which is another way of saying “self-will run riot.” If I’m upset or angry, there is a very good likelihood I’m the problem. However, there are problems such as health or death of a loved one that aren’t selfish in nature, but most problems fall under the category of unmet selfish wants. Once we recognize the root of an issue comes down to our self centered attitude, we can then move on to a place of acceptance. If self is the problem, then self can’t be the answer! We say in the program, “Don’t pray to get what you want, but to pray to want what you get.” It is also prudent to accept that we probably have a part in not getting what we want, which usually originates from our own actions or inactions. We are only a failure if we blame someone else for our unmet wants. Once we accept that we own some, if not all of the problem, we are well on our way to a path of acceptance.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"I was allowing others to control my sense of well-being and behavior. I came to understand that the behavior, opinions and thoughts of others were none of my business. The only business I was to be concerned with was my own! I asked my Higher Power to remove from me everything that stood in the way of my usefulness to Him and others, and to help me build a new life."
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 468
The program has taught us that it’s an inside job that matters the most. We spent too much of our lives worrying about what others thought of us, and we based what we thought of ourselves on those misguided assumptions. We judged our insides (how we felt about ourselves) based on others outsides (how they appeared to us). Chasing affirmation from others became a futile exercise destined for frustration and disappointment. Once we began to look inward and began the process of healing, outside influences start to lose their importance. The more we accepted ourselves, the more we could accept other people’s idiosyncrasies, faults, and behaviors. Our inner healing requires deep introspection, which we find through a thorough commitment to the steps, and faith in a Higher Power. The goals of self actualization and self affirmation are very possible, but only if we continue to pursue and improve our conscious contact with God and a strong commitment to help others.
I’ve only got 2 things in my life right now, My god and my honesty, everything else has turned to shit but with my belief in God and a degree of belief in myself I am remaining sober. Miracles do happen if you hang around long enough, listen and use what you learn. Your daily posts have helped me through this difficult time, I will be forever endebted to you.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"When we love, we will see in others what we wish to see in ourselves."
Calif., September 1988, “Love,” Best of the Grapevine, Vol. 3
As we shed the wreckage of our pasts, we begin to learn to love ourselves in a healthy way. Once that occurs, we are free to love others more deeply. Through encouragement of the fellowship, we finally muster enough courage to let the walls around our heart come down. So many of us built up impenetrable barriers against emotions due to past hurts and scars. We were afraid of being hurt at the expense of allowing love into our hearts and lives. We may have thought we could love another, but those emotions were completely clouded with the dirty filters through which we perceived our jaded outlook of life. Thank God the program inspires and guides us toward a life of healing, which allows us to truly love ourselves and others. One of the most welcome and unexpected outcomes of taking the steps was that it led me to accept myself completely, which in turn paved the way for me to more readily see the good in others. Quite simply, once I could see and appreciate the gifts all of us have to offer, life became more beautiful.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"Often, as we review each day, only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were. There are cases where our ancient enemy rationalization has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong. The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really hadn’t."
As Bill Sees It, Daily Inventory, p. 296
The 10th step process, when taken honestly and seriously, can dramatically change one’s consciousness. When we review our day, we look at self will issues (character defects), but we also recognize when we practiced God’s will through our positive behaviors (the opposites of our character defects). Knowing that we will take a nightly inventory brings our behaviors to the forefront, and our consciousness takes over and bends us toward God’s will. As I go through my day, I actively look for ways to practice those positive inventory categories like kindness, caring, honesty and compassion, and to stay away from the negative like selfishness, anger, or any form of dishonesty. As we elevate our God-consciousness through a consistent nightly inventory, our motives evolve and become more well-meaning and altruistic. There are many 10th step promises outlined in our book (bottom of page 84, top of page 85), but there are so many other benefits that just need to be experienced to fully realize them.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:Forgiveness - “Under very trying conditions I have had, again and again, to forgive others – also myself. Have you recently tried this”?
As Bill Sees It, p. 268
When I’m annoyed or angry at someone, I know I need to do at least three things: 1) pray for them, 2) check my part in it and make an amend if warranted, and 3) forgive them. Asking God to remove the resentment, sharing it with another in our fellowship, and helping others are also great tools to minimize character defects such as anger and resentment. However, forgiveness is key. We forgive others to set them free, only to find out that we were the ones bound by the chains of hate. When Nelson Mandela was leaving prison that last time, he said to himself that he needed to forgive and leave the hate and bitterness behind, or he would still be in prison. Forgiveness is often misconstrued as validating bad behavior, but forgiveness is not condoning the action. Forgiving is clearing cancerous hate from our hearts. One area of forgiveness that is often overlooked is that of forgiving ourselves. If we are still tormented by past wreckage, and we have made our amends, including living amends, all that is left is to forgive ourselves. We owe it to ourselves to be as free as possible, but that usually requires the simple act of forgiveness - forgiving others and ourselves.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"There is action and more action. Faith without works is dead."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, Into Action, pg. 88~
“We can’t think our way into right action, we have to act our way into right thinking.” We can’t get this program through “assmosis,” which is just sitting in meetings and thinking that’s enough. We have heard it time and again - this is not a program for those that need it or want it; it’s a program for those that do it! Recovery is a program of continual action and recovery. There is no graduation date, and the day we start to rest on our laurels, is the day we begin our slip back into the nightmare. If our disease is centered in our mind, then recovery is centered in our feet. It has often puzzled me to watch people get time, and then start reverting back to self will, not action within the program. As the passage on page 88 implies, our faith alone can’t keep us sober without action. To me, the stakes are too high to not keep doing the same things that got me sober in the beginning. My sponsor often reminds me, “Don’t let the life AA gave me, get in the way of my AA life.” That is very sound advice, and it reminds me that my continued recovery is dependent on how willing I am to take action and help others.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"Laughter is one of God’s greatest and most beneficent gifts to us. Laugh with him and sometimes at yourself."
New York, N.Y., November 1946, “Sobriety for Ourselves,” Thank You for Sharing: Sixty Years of Letters to the Grapevine
Laughter was one of the greatest draws for me to the program. As many of us feel when we first arrive, I had reservations on whether I could have “fun” in sobriety. That concern was remedied from day one when I heard the laughter. The best part was that your humor was just as twisted is mine! I soon learned that there was healing through laughter. Laughter is the healing medicine of the program. Laughter is the key to unlocking our emotional and spiritual growth; it’s that crack in the door that begins to let the light in. Quite simply, laughter is the sound of recovery, and an instant vacation from self. When we learn to not take ourselves too damn seriously (Rule 62 - 12&12, p.149), and learn to laugh at ourselves, the healing begins. I have come to appreciate the quick wit and clever humor of my AA brothers and sisters. Looking at the lighter side of life makes living so much more enjoyable. If laughter is the healing music of the program, then from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank AA for playing so many years of beautiful music.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes."
~Pema Chodron~
As many others, when I came into the program, I was too scared and insecure to talk to anyone on a deep level. I was paralyzed by the fear that if you really knew who I was, you would never accept me. Social situations without alcohol as a social lubricant seemed an impossibility. As I began to peel back the debris of my past, I slowly began to gain more confidence in myself and ability to open up. You allowed me to be whom I really was, and through that simple act of caring, I began to trust others with my innermost feelings. As I became able to open my heart to others, the magic began. We took this journey of truth together, and we discovered attributes within ourselves that we had locked away hidden in the selfishness of our disease. Our positive qualities, such as true compassion and care towards others, were finally set free. I now see in others the humanity and kindness that dwells deep within us all. AA, and all those in the fellowship, have made me a much better person, and for this, I will be eternally grateful.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."
–Marcel Proust–
We read it at nearly every meeting we attend - our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change (9th Step promise). As our attitude about life changes, so too does our perspective. Where we used to see sorrow and skepticism, we can now see opportunities to express kindness and care. If we maintain an open and loving mindset, we are truly given a new set of eyes to view all those small blessings that can unfold before us each and every day. The world around us presents so many gifts, we just have to be open to its many wonders. Even in difficulties or challenges, there are usually some lessons to be learned or messages to be heard. When we have hope, which will mostly stem from our growing faith, the world presents us with endless possibilities. For me, it comes down to learning how to appreciate the little things in life, and to try and take a positive attitude wherever I go. I am so grateful for the program, because without it, I would still be seeing life through filters of resentment, anger and being the victim. Now, through the program, I see life through a prism of hope, acceptance, gratitude, and faith.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"Suffering is no longer a menace to be evaded at any cost. When it does come, no matter how grievously, we realize that it too has its purpose. It is our great teacher because it reveals our defects and so pushes us forward into the paths of progress. The pain of drinking did just this for us. And so can any other pain."
Bill W., November 1958, AA Grapevine
The pain of today never diminishes the potential of tomorrow. If we reflect back to our last bottom, it is clear that it takes a great deal of pain before we are ready to make the necessary changes to the way we approach life. Painful life lessons are difficult, especially when you’re in the middle and see no way out. However, we know, “This too shall pass;” it always does. Emotional pain is just fear leaving the body. Our greatest life lessons usually stem from some hardship we endure, walk through, and process. As we navigate through each difficult instance, and come out on the other side, we build more faith. After a while, the faith that it will work out comes instinctively. For me, I know God and a spiritual experience are waiting for me on the other side of pain or discomfort. Sometimes we just need to accept that the purpose of walking through challenges in life is to gain much needed faith, as well as the necessary experience to help others process similar difficulties.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit."
12 Steps & 12 Traditions, pg. 98
When I first got sober, not in my wildest dreams did I think that my recovery would include self reflection, prayer, and meditation. Thankfully, I had an encouraging sponsor who took me through the steps at an accelerated pace, which allowed me to clear away many of the spiritual blockages that I had carried through life. All of the steps required self examination, but it was steps 4-10 that mitigated my spiritual impediments the most. Once those spiritual blockages were removed, I was able to reach a much higher conscious contact with God. Then, and only then, was I able to fully appreciate the 11th step and the gift of meditation. Meditation allows us to slow down the whirlwind of the alcoholic mind. In deep meditation, we reach a level of consciousness that for me, can only be described as “pure love and contentment.” It is a euphoric state of interconnectedness with God’s universe. Each of us is different, but the benefits of practiced meditation are undeniable! The tools for living are there for the taking, but it’s up to us to use them.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"It is necessary to cultivate some discipline of mind, for an undisciplined mind always finds excuses to act selfishly and thoughtlessly. When the mind is undisciplined, the body is also undisciplined, and so is speech and action.”
Anguttara Nikaya
Our minds will always find an excuse to go to the path of least resistance. It’s in our nature, and it takes discipline and commitment to take contrary action. One definition of insanity is “Knowing the right thing to do, but not doing it.” This is especially true when it comes to the program of recovery. We know what actions keep us sober and growing, but we slack off or rest on our laurels. One of the tools I use each day is the simple "On awakening” prayer on page 86, which always seems to get me going in the right direction. It also helps to remind myself of the unlimited benefits of giving of myself to others, and to also ask myself one question – “How free do you want to be?” Each of us must find whatever will motivate us to go to meetings, call/talk to a newcomer, do some program reading or writing, a nightly 10th step, or any of the other many program suggestions. I can’t let my mind find an excuse to do something else; I try to go into autopilot, and don’t give myself a choice when it comes to those things I know I need to do in life. If it’s important, we’ll find a way; if it’s not, we’ll find an excuse.
QUOTE OF THE DAY"Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people brings happiness."
Rabbi Harold Kushner
In the depths of my disease, I didn’t really comprehend how much I had shut down my feelings. I would have glimpses of emotions, but the second they became uncomfortable, I was reaching for the bottle to numb out. There were other factors in life, like a broken heart and childhood abuse, that also distorted my emotions or willingness to feel. As I came into the program and began recovery, feelings started to hit me like a ton of bricks. It was strange, and uncomfortable, but overall, I embraced this new way of living. After taking the steps, I was more caring and empathetic towards others, and I found this to be a new high. I was also able to love more deeply, and gradually, I was able to truly accept and feel deserving of love. Today, I want to feel everything. I would never trade away the numbed out darkness I once had for the wonderful and amazing cascade of emotions that I experience today. I am the happiest I have ever been in life, and I know that only comes when I allow myself to feel, love, and genuinely care for others.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:"We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us."
Alcoholics Anonymous, We Agnostics, page 55
In early sobriety, so many of us struggle with the concept of God having anything to do with our daily living. Some of us came in with a modicum of belief in God, but that connection was jaded by our drinking habits. None of us came in on a winning streak, so a spiritual disconnect was typical and expected for most newcomers. In fact, our Book even tells us that over half of those that came into AA were atheist or agnostic. So how do we find that Great Reality deep down within us all? For me, from that beautiful language of the heart spoken at every meeting, God spoke through those amazing people in the program. I wanted their peace and serenity, and I was slowly willing to open my heart to the secret they had found. Once I dropped my fears and barriers to belief, the trust in an all loving and forgiving God was overwhelming. When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear! Life has become so much easier to live with a strong faith in God, and I can’t imagine living a life without it. I have the program to thank for guiding me through the Great Reality, and that reality is that a loving God dwells in all of us.
