Quote of the Day: "A good love relationship can reinforce self-esteem, but it cannot create it. Many people carry a lot of unfinished business from childhood into relationships, and look to their partners to fulfill their unmet needs. So you get immature, dependency-type relationships that tend not to work. The more you can complete unfinished business from childhood, the better your chance in relationships as an adult."
Nathaniel Branden, The Art of Living Consciously
I dated a woman from the age of 16-22, and after that break up, I went on a three-year binge to drown out my feelings. In hindsight, that was a sick, heavily dependent relationship for me. My identity and self esteem were all wrapped up in her. When I separated from that crutch, I was a mere shell of a man. Thankfully, through inventories and deep self reflection, I was able to realize the unhealthy dependency that I had built. Only after finding this awareness and processing the baggage of my twisted childhood, was I able to find love that wasnât an insecure dependency on another. Shockingly to me, only after I made my amends to her, something I said I would never do (I caught her cheating, so was the victim), I was able to break down the walls I had built around my heart to protect me from being hurt. The process you walked me through enabled me to not only find love, but to feel a deeper love I had never felt before. God will mend a broken heart, but you have to give him all the pieces. We canât truly love another until we can love and accept ourselves. If I am to be totally honest with myself, all my relationships with others prior to the program were a dependency. I people pleased to gain your acceptance, which is not a healthy way to live life. Today, I am of service to others, but unlike before, I have no expectation of anything in return. A true gift of the program is when we discover that absolute love can never be a conditional emotion.
Quote of the Day: "When weâre facing challenges, the ego is very seductive in trying to get us to think thoughts about âlook whatâs happening to me.â It is our spiritual work to keep returning again and again to God and asking, âIs my heart clear? Can I see this with love? I want to go through this with Godâs presence.â And over time, Spirit can make any mess into a miracle."
Mary Manin Morrissey
My faith in God has made life so much easier to live. I am certain of the presence of God, but if you could prove to me otherwise, I would still choose faith over the fear of the unknown. Einstein once said, What I see convinces me that God exists; what I cannot see, confirms it." However, even having deep faith in God, my human nature drags me into pride, ego or any of the other character flaws that lead me to discomfort. For me, I need a daily surrender and constant reminder to keep me right sized. I do many quirky things to keep me connected, like strapping my Higher Power in the passenger seat of my car, but this is just enough to remind me that there is a loving God in my life. I cannot count how many times in sobriety that I created unnecessary pain and drama through unbridled selfish actions, but in every instance, God has been waiting for me on the other side. Time after time, God has clearly shown me that his plan for me is so much better than my own. We are so blessed to have a program that guides and nurtures us towards a loving relationship with God, and through this connection, we will never be alone.
Quote of the Day: âMany of us grew up in dysfunctional families, because modern society is a dysfunctional place. But the spiritual journey, the path of recovery and personal growth, is a detoxification process in which we bring up and out the negative beliefs we have carried with us from the past and that now poison the present.â
Marianne Williamson
We all come into the program with baggage, but there are people in our fellowship that will help you unpack that baggage one small piece at a time. Thank God I let you love me until I could love myself. To say that I came from a dysfunctional family is a complete understatement. We were poor, lived in filth, had three different fathers, none of which were in our lives, and yelling and violence were our typical form of communication. I was ashamed of my family and myself. As I was growing up, I spent as much time away from my house as possible, which basically turned me into a little street urchin. In hindsight, I was very selfish and could have brought some sanity into that sick environment, which is something I discovered only after honestly looking at âmy part.â How blessed we are to have a fellowship that guides us through the quagmire of messed up life circumstances and choices. Only through your love, care, and kindness was I able walk through the fears of repeating my dysfunctional history. Because I was so afraid of passing on the abuse, which is so common for families outside the program, I was petrified of having children. Thankfully, you gave me the courage to be a father, and my wife and I were able to raise two children in a very loving 12-step home. I sincerely believe the abuse cycle has been broken, which would have never occurred without your help and the principles of the program. I now see those uncomfortable experiences as a stepping stone for helping others walk through their similar demons.
Quote of the Day: "When faith has entered the front door of our hearts, fear goes out the back."
âThoughts for the Newcomer,â Nashville Tennessee, February 1949, AA Grapevine
We hear in meetings all the time that we are either in fear, or we are in faith. Having taken this journey for some time now, I too believe in this simple concept. However, when I came into the program, I thought I had neither fear nor faith. If someone ever asked me before the program if I had any fears, I would have barked an aggressive denial and said, âIâm not afraid of anything!â This was true about a physical confrontation with someone, but I soon found out by doing a thorough 4th step inventory that my life was controlled by emotional fears. Faith too was an elusive proposition. The dogma of the religion that I grew up with never resonated in my heart; I was already certain I was going to hell, so I figured, âWhy bother?â As you walked me through my spiritual path, I soon found my fears dropping by the wayside. My growing faith in a Higher Power gave me confidence to be whom I really was and always wanted to be. How blessed we are to have a fellowship that lets us walk with dignity, respect, and honesty. It is evident that facing our fears and building our faith would not be possible without rigorous self honesty. For true freedom from the bondage of self, we all need to look deep within ourselves to find our truths. Itâs quite enlightening to see how self-reflective and complete honesty can be the stepping off point to virtually all our emotional and spiritual growth.
â keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions, small people always do that , but the really great make you feel that you to can become greatâ Mark Twain
Apologize for any grammatical errors as I was drinking vodka in the woods when I shoulda been in school
Quote of the Day: "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Before I came into the program, each day I lived seemed to create more and more baggage. To me, it seemed like a vicious cycle. I would drink to excess, do something stupid, wake up (or come to) the next morning with overwhelming shame, have to drink to blot out the embarrassment of what I had done, drink to excess, do something stupid and press repeat. The weight of my bad behavior and dishonesty were literally crushing me. The memories of dayâs past were haunting! Then, I started my voyage to recovery, and you taught me to live in today. No matter how hard we try, we canât change the past. The only thing we can do is accept it, and if possible, learn from our mistakes. If I sit and wallow in self-pity about what I had done or not done, Iâm only taking away from the hope of today. In sobriety, I have found that each new day presents endless possibilities to learn, grow, and express love, care, and kindness. By letting go of yesterday, I can fully live and appreciate all the blessings of today. Living in today is essential for accepting ourselves, and until you can make peace with whom you are, youâll never be content with what you have. Iâm not sure what the future holds for me, but if itâs anything like today, I know I will be able to find just enough peace and contentment to enjoy each day.
Quote of the Day: "The ability to laugh at ourselves is an intrinsic part of the healing process." "People Make the Program,"
Marcy, New York, December 1992, The Home Group: Heartbeat of AA
Without question, one of the main attractions I had to the program was the laughter. I love AAâs twisted humor, primarily because I can relate so much to our ridiculousness. Laughter is the sound of recovery, and the healing music of our program. Being able to laugh at ourselves allows us to process old wounds in a lighthearted way. For me, self deprecating humor about my past was the best way to âget over myself.â We AAâs can take ourselves way too seriously at times, overthink things, and blow things way out of proportion. Laughter is an avenue to right size issues. I canât count how many times Iâve shared something at a meeting that troubled me which ended up in curing laughter. Once you laugh, I canât help but join along and then see how I built something up in my mind to be bigger than it really was. There are so many things that I reluctantly shared in my 4th step inventory that I can now share openly at meetings. Why? Because you taught me to not take myself so damn seriously (Rule 62), and to heal through laughter. There is a Yiddish proverb that says, âWhat soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul." Having spent so many years laughing with you, I now firmly believe it is intrinsically in our nature to smile and have fun. In every person, there is an inner child that just wants to laugh and play. They say we are not fully dressed without a smile, but the same could be said that we have not had a complete and fulfilling day without laughter. When it comes to recovery, he who laughs, lasts.
Quote of the Day: "Imperfection offers me the freedom of a million potentials."
The Impossible Dream, Islamadora, Florida, November 1971, Best of the Grapevine, Volume 1
It was an epiphany to me to discover that I didnât have to be right. Perhaps itâs human nature, but after some soul searching, I believe that my earlier drive to be right was driven by my low self esteem and baggage from childhood. Whatever the case, itâs exhausting always trying to be right. Dying on a hill of stubbornness only drove people out of my life, not to mention losing all respect when trying to justify an unreasonable position. The first time I had this realization was after an argument with my wife in early sobriety. An older woman at the market, someone I had never met, asked me why I was brooding, and after telling her about my disagreement with my wife, she calmly looked at me and said, Well, do you want to be right, or do you want to be married? I laughed, told my wife about it, and from that day forward, this has become one of my guiding codes. It was also freeing to admit fault at work. Itâs not making a mistake that will hurt me; itâs defending that mistake that does all the damage! Besides, making mistakes is part of life and growing. If youâre not making mistakes, chances are youâre being controlled by fears and probably not accomplishing much. John Wooden said it best when he said, Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." Iâm so appreciative that the program taught me to be okay with with all my imperfections and making mistakes. Someone shared at a meeting once that light shines through only those that are cracked. The light of our program shines brightly throughout my life, and I owe virtually everything I have today to our kind and loving fellowship.
Quote of the Day: "Set others free to achieve and experience the path that leads to their highest good and you, too, will become free to find yours."
Melody Beattie
Thankfully, our program teaches us to have constant thought of others and to be of maximum service to all of Godâs children. By helping others, we not only maintain our recovery, we find ourselves, and contentment in life. You hear it all the time, you canât keep it unless you give it away. A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle, but not lighting any candles will surely keep us in darkness. For me, my day is not complete without having given myself to others. We have all tried the hollow and lonely existence of selfishness, and after the inevitable subsequent misery, Iâm always brought back to that place of peace produced by helping others. Sponsoring has also been a huge learning experience about the pitfalls of trying to help, not control others. As much as I have tried, I canât work 24 steps (mine and yours!). Over time, I have come to a clear understanding that each person has their own path and journey, and itâs not up to me to control anyone elseâs travel through life. We all need to learn from our own mistakes, and generally speaking, those tend to be the most meaningful life lessons. I am so grateful that people in my life gave me the dignity to find my own truths, pain and all. Through this loving experience of supporting each other, we have found real and profound friendships and lasting peace. I love the saying, Show me your friends, and Iâll show you your future. How true! If you want t see someones reflection, use a mirror; if you want to see someones heart, look at their friends.
Quote of the Day: "Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of Godâs kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."
Mother Theresa
The power of a kind word or gesture can be immeasurably profound, and the echoes can last a lifetime. You never know when something as simple as a smile can turn someoneâs very bad day into something a little more tolerable. This is what I learned in the program, but was reinforced in me while responding to emergencies during patient care. There were so many instances when the person came back to thank me, but not so much for the technical care I provided, but the kindness and reassurance. In one instance, I was treating a young woman who had obvious lower extremity paralysis, and she was justifiably terrified. After stabilizing her, I held her hand and never left her side. Miraculously a few years later, she regained movement and feeling in her legs. She tracked me down to thank me, and she said that my kindness, more than anything, helped her get through the trauma of the event. She said the goal of walking up to me and thanking me one day helped get her through her frustrating and painful rehabilitation. Personally, I canât count how many times someone has said or done something for me that has made a profound impact. There is no greater message in life than the expression of love and kindness. Iâve always appreciated when someone has taken me out of my self inflicted despair with some reassuring word or simple hug. I sincerely hope I have repaid this kindness to others, and the fellowship has given me an amazing platform to repay this debt of gratitude.
Quote of the Day: "Love is always bestowed as a gift â freely, willingly, and without expectation ⌠We donât love to be loved; we love to love."
Leo Buscaglia
Before the program, I had a twisted perception of love. For me at that time, love was more of a sick dependency. What I thought was love was really clinging to someone else to cover up my lack of self-worth. I hated whom I was, so it was impossible to truly love another when filled with self-loathing. After diving head first into recovery and building myself up from ground zero, I was able to shed much of lifeâs baggage, and in so doing, gain a bit of self esteem. From self esteem, we can begin the process of loving ourselves, which is essential to being able to truly love another. The program has graced me with the ability to love unconditionally. Love should never be a conditional emotion. You taught me to embrace a life of altruism, which I now see as essential to my recovery. The act of giving becomes the gift, just as the act of loving another blesses us with the gift of loving. If we love another to expect love in return, we are selling ourselves short. Reciprocal love is usually the byproduct of loving another, but thatâs a shallow expectation that will eventually let us down. If we settle into loving another for the sake of loving, we open our hearts to endless opportunities and lasting emotions of contentment. A game changer for me was to give 100% of myself to others and expect nothing in return. When I did this and stopped keeping score in life, my entire perspective on relationships with others changed. Most importantly, I liked whom Iâd become, and I came to appreciate and thoroughly enjoy being kind and loving.
Quote of the Day: "We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didnât do it."
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133
Itâs mind blowing to think how much human nature draws us so easily into self-pity. For most of my life prior to the program, I wallowed in playing the victim. I played the victim not so much for sympathy, but to justify my addiction and bad behavior. Through the fellowship, I have come to learn that if I played the victim card, I would always be a victim. Shedding the prison of self inflicted misery was essential to me being able to find my path to happiness. Finding serenity is a long and arduous process, but well worth the effort. Adjusting my attitude about life only came after an awareness that my character defects, especially self-pity, barred me from true peace. The epiphany that I controlled my happiness by my attitudes was a monumental breakthrough. âFake it until you make itâ became an ongoing daily mantra in early sobriety. Take the body and the mind will follow! I now know that I can only be as happy as I allow myself to be. Today, I am mostly free of debilitating emotions that used to keep me locked in despair. Quite simply, my freedom and attitude today begins with a morning surrender when I ask God to direct my thoughts and actions, and that those thoughts and actions be free of self-pity, dishonesty, and self-seeking motives. I am so grateful that the program gives me a way to genuinely be happy, joyous, and free.
Quote of the Day: "Perhaps you raise the question of hallucination versus the divine imagery of a genuine spiritual experience. I doubt if anyone has authoritatively defined what a hallucination really is. However, it is certain that all recipients of spiritual experiences declare their reality. The best evidence of that reality is in the subsequent fruits. Those who receive these gifts of grace are very much changed people, almost invariably for the better."
As Bill Sees It, The Reality of Spiritual Experiences, p. 182
Growing up Catholic, I viewed miracles as something that were beyond explanation and divinely connected, such as Moses and the burning bush. I certainly didnât think anything like that would ever happen in my life. Miracles only happen for Saints and people of the holy cloth, or so I thought. Little did I know that this narrow perception was completely limiting my spiritual growth and faith in God. After surviving the nightmare of addiction, my perception of life had to change, and this included any residual dogma I carried about religion, miracles, or a spiritual experience. Gradually, I came to believe that the world is full of miracles, including all those in 12 step programs. Coming out of complete despair and darkness into the light of AA is nothing short of a miracle! If you hit a bottom as low as I and then find recovery, itâs impossible to deny that something divinely guided unfolded. I marvel at how our program so delicately takes us to a new found faith. I have come to greatly appreciate the insight of our founders in allowing us to define a Higher Power of our own understanding. Taking the steps then clears away any lasting spiritual blockages and opens us to the realm of what we once considered impossible. However, just as we can define a Higher Power of our own understanding, so too can we define a spiritual experience of our own understanding. If you allow it, life itself can become a spiritual experience, and your life perspective will change forever.
Quote of the Day: "By revealing our secrets and thereby ridding ourselves of guilt we can actually change our thinking and by altering our thinking we can change ourselves. What we will be tomorrow is determined by what we think today."
âWhat We Will Be Tomorrow,â Brentwood, New York, May 1991, AA Grapevine
Even though I knew I didnât like myself before the program, I had no idea that I needed to forgive myself. Forgiving others was hammered into me by my religious upbringing, but I had no idea how to get rid of resentments enough to genuinely forgive anyone. The thought that I needed to forgive myself never occurred to me until I got into the program, but this ultimately became a freedom from deep-seated guilt that had plagued me throughout my life. For me, forgiving myself only came after taking all the steps and being in the program a while. Direct amends, at times, was not enough for me to erase the immense guilt I had carried so long. Only through extended living amends was I able to chip away at that guilt that was holding me back from fully forgiving myself. It was also critical that I accepted in my heart of hearts that God had already forgiven me, which was a foreign concept for my religious dogma riddled mind. After making direct amends (making it right), and continuing to make living amends, all we have left is to forgive ourselves. We all come into the program with baggage, some worse than others, but it doesnât matter what you were years or months ago; it only matters what you are today. None of us are that same person that slithered into the rooms of AA. We are all just healing people on this odyssey of recovery, and as we take this spiritual pilgrimage, we are blessed to become the people we were always meant to be.
Iâm blessed to have been given the opportunity to have lived two lives in one lifetime. We donât regret the past nor choose to close the door on it. It all got us to exactly where we are today and I donât know about you but I wouldnât change it for anything. Have a good day Mr Ed. Thank you for your continued insight itâs priceless.
Quote of the Day: "The world needs all of our power and love and energy, and each of us has something to give. The trick is to find it and use it, to find it and give it away so there will always be more. We can be lights for each other, and through each otherâs illumination we will see the way. Each of us is a seed, a silent promise, and it is always spring."
Merle Shain
Before the program, to say I felt hopeless was a gross understatement. I felt completely lost and rudderless in life. That kid that had so much potential was gone, and the thoughts of what could have been crushed me. My mind was a swirling tornado of lost hopes and dreams. As I was bottoming out for the last time, little did I realize I was on the precipice of finding a fellowship that would nurture me back to health and build me back up to the man I am today. AA is a program of hope, and a catalyst to fulfill your life aspirations and dreams. As we gain the courage to follow our passions, we find genuine support and encouragement from fellow members of the program. We discover that by following our passions, we find that inner genius that is in all of us. We all have special talents; we just have to have the courage to find them. Ironically, as we begin to live our hopes and dreams, we also inspire others to do the same. Our program is wonderful at setting a tone of endless possibilities. At nearly every meeting, we hear stories of lives being turned around, and dreams that have become reality. I love the sincerity of others in the fellowship as we share the blessings life has to offer. I am so grateful to those that came before me in the program that inspired me to be the best version of myself. For me, AA became a beacon of hope, and a conduit for dreams coming true, but it was always up to me to put in the work to make it happen.
Quote of the Day: âGratitude is our most direct line to God and the angels. If we take the time, no matter how crazy and troubled we feel, we can find something to be thankful for. The more we seek gratitude, the more reason the angels will give us for gratitude and joy to exist in our lives.â
-Terry Lynn Taylor-
Most of us learn very early on in recovery that we need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and to find a bit of gratitude. In the beginning, as we are still enjoying the sobriety honeymoon and riding that pink cloud, itâs fairly easy to embed ourselves in gratitude. As the luster of early sobriety wears off, and the realities of life kick in, those feelings of self-pity come rushing back. I am so thankful for all those that shared in my blossoming recovery about writing âgratitude lists.â I can vividly hear the chorus of, âIf you canât find something to be grateful for, then youâre not looking hard enough!â Even in our darkest days, we can usually find something to be grateful for, such as just being alive and not living the nightmare of addiction. I found the more I looked for things to be grateful, the more my perceptions of life changed. What we think upon grows, so if I try to supplant negative thoughts with gratitude and acceptance, the more hope and positive action permeates my mindset and life. Developing our faith in God also opens the door for more gratitude to flow in and through us. The more I believe in God and embrace a deep faith, the more I appreciate the small blessings in life. For a long time, self pity entombed me in a shallow existence of gloom and obscurity; gratitude opened my eyes to life and became the guiding light of possibilities.
Quote of the Day: "Once the miracle of sobriety has been received ⌠Providence expects all of us to work and to grow â to do our part in maintaining our blessings in full force. A perpetual miracle â with no effort or responsibility on our part â simply isnât in the cards. We all understand that the price of both personal and group survival is willingness and sacrifice, vigilance and work.â
âAA Co-Founder, Bill W., April 1958,â Guardian of AA: Our General Service Conference", The Language of the Heart
As recovering alcoholics, if we donât change, our sobriety date will! In life, failure is not fatal, but for us, failure to change just might be. For this very reason, our book warns us to not rest on our laurels (p. 85). As we get sober and our lives improve dramatically, human nature draws us into the trap of taking recovery for granted. One of the great paradoxes of our program is that, âWe canât keep it unless we give it away.â So, we help others to help ourselves, but in the process, we gain so much more. By being of service, my emotional and spiritual growth has taken me places I never imagined. Iâm so thankful you taught me that the greatest room in my life is the room for improvement. As I continue this odyssey through life, I donât have many regrets, because I know Iâm so much better than what I used to be. Through the program principles, I have lived a fulfilling and meaningful life. It would have been a tragedy to have not realized my purpose in life and to have all those things just wither and die within me. In most aspects of my life, especially career, I found that self sacrifice, teamwork, and caring about others were the key to success. On the other hand, I watched people stagnate in life and career, because they were always asking, âWhatâs in it for me?â I cherish that we have a âweâ program of self sacrifice and giving that gives us the courage to become whom we were always meant to be.
