Hi Reese xxx how is it going? Thinking about you, please be strong xxx
1 Like
Day 66.
Yesterday was a good day. Very tired this morning. Gotta get up and get ready to go to treatment. Not much else to say.
3 Likes
You are doing fantastic.
1 Like
Day 67.
Still not much to say. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. I’m about halfway through PHP and I feel so small compared to my trauma and my mental/emotional struggles. My individual therapist is also going on leave tomorrow, so while I do like and vibe with the one taking over my case, I feel so frustrated that I feel like I’m going back to step one. I know I’m not actually going back to step one, but it’s really disheartening to have to change horses mid-stride, so to speak.
Feeling really defeated, hopeless, powerless, anxious, despondent, fearful… In a lot of emotional pain with everything.
Still sober, so at least I have that going for me, I guess. And reading the encouraging messages on my thread is always nice. I just feel too overwhelmed by the forum, even with me using the muting option liberally.
Just feeling like nowhere is safe for me, both within and without.
On my way home from treatment. I have a session with my usual therapist in about a half hour, so we’ll talk on these feelings some more.
I guess I did have something to say after all.
5 Likes
67 days is impressive work friend 
I am sorry that you are having to change up your therapist. I can imagine that all being frustrating and having to start “anew” with a new person (even if you know them but you don’t know them in your sessions so it is starting over).
Sending you hugs Reese. Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. You are dealing with a lot and it makes sense to be feeling all your emotions. Do remember to be patient and gentle with yourself.
The forum can be a bit much at times and I understand it feeling too much. Would it help to only focus on a few threads that you find helpful for now and keep using yours for your journaling? Remember that you are not alone.
You will find your safe space my friend. Don’t give up hope
2 Likes
Going to bed now. So tired of the pain, physical and mental. I want to smoke, moreso to just escape from everything. I know it won’t help me overall, yet I feel so desperate for this all to just. Stop.
I won’t do anything. I’m in bed now after finishing up some yoga and a Tarot reading. The reading was all about feelings of burnout, depression, and the emotional mind taking over the rational mind. Hmmmmm sounds familiar.
Putting these thoughts here so that they’re hopefully out of my head.
God please don’t give me nightmares tonight. Please give me a break. Let me rest SOMEWHERE.
Reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day. I’m just so tired of everything.
4 Likes
Hope you had a nice nightmares restful sleep. I know how frustrating it is to deal with physical pain and not be able to find that escape. I just tell myself that the escape comes with so many negative effects and absolutely no benefits cause it is so temporary. I also believe that in the long run that it will make the pain much worse.
I am sorry for all the emotional pain you are dealing with as you process all your trauma. It’s going to take time and I do hope you give yourself some grace. Stay connected with your loved ones. You and little Reese need this healing 
.
Are you able to play a meditation while you sleep or some soothing sounds? This may help ease your subconscious and hopefully stop the nightmares 
.
1 Like
Thanks. Last night’s dreams were weird but mostly trauma free. I listen to a guided meditation pretty much every night. It’s frustrating because I’m doing virtually every suggestion for sleep hygiene and barely get any relief.
Oh well. Time to get up anyway… Staring up day 68.
4 Likes
I’m sorry friend - I do know how frustrating this is. I try to have faith that things will get better as we are doing all the right things 
Glad that last nights dreams were trauma free - hope the same goes tonight
1 Like
Day 69 (nice).
Tried a new medication last night that my psychiatrist prescribed, to take as needed to help me sleep. Not a fan, so I’ll talk to her today.
I have a tentative discharge day where I’ll step down from the partial hospitalization program to intensive outpatient. First week of April. I’ll have to navigate returning to work as well. I’ll need to start off part time while I’m in IOP. Maybe I’ll take like a week off to buffer as I transition from PHP to IOP. I’m worried that I won’t be able to handle my work anymore, that I’m too fragile for it now.
My individual therapist has also gone on leave. I had a handover session with her and the new one yesterday. The new one is great, AND I’m also feeling frustrated and anxious about having to deal with this change. I’m having a meeting with the new one later today so we’ll see how that goes.
Lots of changes. Lots of uncertainty. I’m feeling a good deal of anxiety and a whole lot of grief. Also feeling self doubt, wondering how I’m going to return to “the real world” after all of this, after having my trauma brought to the forefront of my mind, after doing this intensive work for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, after being sober for over 2 months and not being able to lean on that crutch of weed anymore.
It’s all so overwhelming.
7 Likes
Your right there man
69 days
A special sobriety date
The feeling to pick up will be easier and even non existent to deal with
You got your Drs
You got a job
You did it
Time to maintain and follow through
69 days
Damn, that’s a good one
4 Likes
This is an overwhelming thought and can create a lot of anxiety. I am sure when the time comes you will be in a better place mentally and emotionally. Keep working on your recovery as you have been - a lot to process and you are doing so well. Be kind to yourself. 69 days strong with sobriety is amazing too. Huge progress friend… 
2 Likes
I can definitely understand how overwhelming the idea of returning to normal life must seem right now but as Jaz has already pointed out you most likely will be in a better emotional place by then. As far as being worried about not being able to do the same job anymore that is just a bridge you’ll have to cross if and when it comes . Just remember whatever happens you’ve got all of us here cheering you on and supporting you. Try not to think so much of what’s going to happen a few weeks from now and just focus on finishing day 69. You are doing amazing Reese. Just keep taking all these things one ODAAT
5 Likes
Day 70.
Pretty weird how far I’ve come from the start of this thread. I don’t even really know what to think or feel.
Yesterday was kind of rough. Turns out I had an allergic reaction to the new med (I’m fine now), but that kind of messed me up physically for the rest of the day. Got home, took a 3 hour nap, then puttered around.
Yesterday was the spring equinox (or Ostara, one of the sabbats in witchcraft), so I did a ritual and a Tarot reading, plus a big pot of tea. Felt much better and more spiritually revitalized after that. Going to try to quiet my negative self-talk to listen to my intuition, and place my trust in the Divine.
Plan for today: morning yoga and coffee, PHP, hair wash day, working on some therapy homework. Putting this here to remind myself to ask my IT to help me identify trust-related stuck points. Yoga, tarot, sleep. Putting my head on the pillow sober, no matter what.
7 Likes
Day 71.
Been thinking a lot the last few days and decided that yeah, I’m not quite ready to step down to IOP first week of April. I’m going to talk with my care team on Monday and see if I can get an extension. There have been too many changes and obstacles back to back, and I truly do feel like I need a little more time before I feel confident enough in my recovery.
Plan is to ask for an extension long enough to finish the cognitive processing therapy for my PTSD (it’s a 12 session module and I’m on season 8, so I feel like that’s a fair ask). Also going to renew my paid leave (I have about a month of full time hours remaining) so that I can also have a “buffer” during my first week of IOP before I return to my job part time.
Also going to ask my care team for assistance with navigating what/how to communicate with my bosses about all this. My director of operations texted me today saying that he was checking in on me since it’s “been a while.” I told him I’m still in treatment but was planning to discuss next steps with him next week.
Also, also I have an outside psychiatrist lined up for when I do step down, so next week I’ll schedule an intake session so that there’s no gap in treatment once I leave PHP.
Still having a lot of anxiety about this whole thing. Wanting to hit pause on life and just. Not exist for a while. I think that’s something that weed did for me, except life was still moving around me while I was “paused,” and now it’s all catching up. Just gotta get through today and tomorrow, and I’ll be able to come up with a good plan of action with my care team.
Staying sober. I know that I can’t do any of this if I’m stoned.
8 Likes
A lot of great direction here. Wishing you luck with all of it.
Glad you are seeing that hitting pause doesn’t really work as life does continue to move forward. You are doing all the right things. Keep putting in this amazing work 
2 Likes
You are doing amazing. It seems you are thoughtful and mindful with your plan. Good Luck on the extension of your program. Are you really that person who was traveling with anxiety to your first session? I am so proud of you and support you with Great Vibes the only way I can.
3 Likes
Day 72.
Not much to say. Not many plans today other than just going to treatment and doing some cleaning around the house. Feeling anxious about tomorrow.
7 Likes
I’m feeling so miserable today. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Missed my bus to treatment and had to get there in the rain. Was shockingly triggered by the church bells ringing for sunday service for like 10 minutes straight. The water filter is broken so all the water comes out cloudy. All of the food at lunch had my allergens so I could only eat bread and fruit, and this is like the 3rd time in a week that has happened (before this week it hasnt been a problem to wtf). I had my peers offer to buy me food and I turned that down because I don’t want pity and can’t accept food/money from the other patients. I’m just so miserable. I want to go home. Today sucks.
6 Likes
Sorry today has been so crummy. Maybe , a bit of self care some calming things you enjoy can help turn what’s left of the day around. Big hugs and I hope tonight gets better for you.
2 Likes