Feeling kind of discouraged to be honest. I feel like I’ll never be 100% “healthy” in my life (who is, right?), so what’s even the point of trying? I know these are irrational/unhelpful thoughts, but that doesn’t make them feel any less real.
I had a great Christmas eve with my family, especially my niece and nephew (9 and 7). It was really nice and chill and loving. Now I’m back home, where i live alone, and i just feel…empty. Stuck ruminating in my thoughts. Thinking about my abusive bio mother during these times (the holidays were always hell when i was growing up). Glad that i haven’t been trapped in that family for over a decade, and that i found my Real adoptive family. So why do i still feel so empty? I dunno, I’m rambling now. Going to shower and sleep and hope i feel like a different person tomorrow.
Hey friend…first I just want to send you a big hug
Yeah…I get the why even try being healthy when I’ve never been all that healthy up till now talk…my mind pulls that shit all the time. Then I see people in their 90’s doing marathons and other people doing things that I can’t do now at 46 and I realize I have to do better. It is not too late to get in shape and to live a healthier life. I am scared to be dependent and so that helps me continue to strive for better health. These thoughts are very much real and very convincing…it’s out addiction trying to gain control. To try and get us back in its grips. You stay strong and keep fighting the good fight.
Glad you had a good Christmas Eve. I do hope that you are able to get some good rest and awake feeling better . Grateful that you did find a adoptive loving family.
The empty feeling doesn’t just go away. It takes time to heal from old wounds and usually it’s helping to deal with them with therapy as it’s hard to dig deep on our own. Just know that you will not fill that emptiness with alcohol or drugs. That is another lie our addiction feeds us.
Wishing you love and peace today. Hope you have a wonderful day
I relapsed. Starting over today. And this time I have more of a reason to get and Stay clean, than just doing so for myself.
Yesterday my 9 year old niece told me that I’m her favorite uncle ever. I want to be worthy of that.
Day 1. Plan is to go to work, start filling in my planner for the new year. There’s an online yoga class I’m going to try this evening. One day at a time.
That’s a really good question, and one that i have to think about more concretely. I just got through 24 hours sober. I have little notes posted all over my apartment reminding me of why I’m doing this. And I’m keeping another note in my wallet, so when I’m tempted to get some cash to buy weed, it’s the first thing i see. I want to be worthy of being the “favorite uncle,” and i feel sick when i think about my sister’s kids finding out I’m an addict (or more specifically, an addict who isn’t choosing recovery).
I honestly think i need to find a group/meeting/something. Some kind of community that i can hold myself accountable to. There’s a lot of AA resources, and a lot of sobriety groups have a strong connection with religion/Christianity (i have a lot of religious trauma from my childhood, so those spaces honestly do more harm than help for me).
I guess i need to actively do research. The resources are out there, i actually have to give a damn and LOOK. And this app is certainly a good place to start
I know I wasn’t very helpful for you in one of your other posts and I’m sorry my message was so harsh.
I want to applaud you for what you already have been doing as your choice to get sober is a big step. Trying and relapsing is another BIG step.
Want to offer my recent experience, in case it helps. AA helped me quit drinking but I just left the program because of the religious aspect. I went in knowing I didn’t align with most people’s beliefs about a higher power and I chose to not pay as much attention to that aspect of the program. I found comfort in other people’s shares, hearing myself in their stories helped me feel hope that I could make it out of alcoholism. It only took a few months in the program to know that I no longer needed to be there as much. The fellowship is what really helps in my opinion. If you can find people that you mesh with, that have a lot of sobriety and that you feel comfortable with, then you have others in your area that you can use as support. I now have tons of phone numbers of people I know I could call or text before I wanted a drink and just that action has kept me from drinking.
I started a thread for AA alternatives, there’s so many! Hope it’s a good day for you.
Completed my 2nd sober day. This morning i was sent an obituary…for my uncle, who apparently had terminal brain cancer. I have a lot of complicated emotions and thoughts that aren’t meant for this post or this app.
I slept all day, which is apparently what my mind and body needed. Going to take a hot shower, cook up some food (i have a new teriyaki sauce my niece made that i want to try), play with my rat Linguine, and watch some documentaries I’ve had cued up.
Plan for tomorrow: yoga class, work, filling out my planners for the next year, rat playtime, meditation, sleep. Going to also try a different route home from work so that i dont pass by the pot shop. No cash in my wallet, just a note reminding me to be a good uncle. I can do this. I will do this.
Day 3! Feeling pretty good right now, yet also trying not to get ahead of myself. Taking a different route home seemed to help, by not having that visual reminder/trigger passing by the pot shop.
Plan for tomorrow: work (picked up an extra shift), taking that same alternate route home and making sure my wallet is cashless. After heading home, laundry (changing into fresh bedsheets), caring for my aging rat, eating some leftover teriyaki, yoga, meditation, sleep. Monday i have the day off, so I’m going to make an appointment with my therapist and look up some Marijuana Anonymous meetings.
Great to see you putting in the effort and stacking up the days …hope today goes smoothly for you. Wish you luck in finding meetings and starting an in person support system
Day 4. Starting to feel the withdrawal symptoms. It’s usually around this time that I’m most vulnerable to relapse.
Taking the long way home, so that even if i did pass the pot shop, it would be closed (and I’m going to avoid passing it in the first place). Shower, wash hair, pet my funny little rat, yoga, tarot reading, pass out. I’m exhausted and nauseous and more than a little grumpy. Just gotta take it one day at a time, and remember I’m doing this for both myself and my loved ones.
Made it through today! Feeling my resolve waver, so I’m reaching out to steel my nerves. Tomorrow is my day off, and in the past I’ve ended spending my weekends stoned, so i know that I’ll likely be more vulnerable to relapse tomorrow.
Plan for tomorrow: reach out to my therapist to schedule an appointment… and attend my first MA meeting. Deep breaths. One day at a time.
4 days is amazing! I’m sorry that you are starting to feel the symptoms. Grateful to see your plan in place to help you get through this. The symptoms are temporary but your recovery is forever.
Hope you are feeling better since you posted.
Tomorrow sounds like a great day and I hope you are able to get that appointment. Seems we may be in different time zones. Just in case you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, please come here and read around. The threads have a way of grounding me. Also, you are able to type Help in the Checking in daily to maintain focus #72 thread and someone will be around. I love that this place is active all day/ night and you are always able to find support.
Made it thrive Day 5 and staring down the barrel at Day 6. Exhaustion, headaches, but I’m sober and feeling a sense of pride in myself. Working today and tomorrow, and planning on seeing the fireworks from my rooftop tonight. It will be the first time in a loooong time that I’ve seen fireworks while sober.
And my first new years eve/day that I’ve been sober in my adult life. Instead of going out and partying, i went to work (senior living) and was the “bartender” for my patients’ NYE party: sparkling cider and mixed juices. I danced to live music with some sweet old ladies and generally had a fun time. Then i went home, got cozy, saw the fireworks from my rooftop, and did my Tarot reading and intention setting for the new year.
Spent today sleeping on and off with IBS troubles, but i wasn’t hungover or vomiting, so that’s great!
This is going to be my sober year. I am putting that intention out into the universe, and manifesting it to be true. I’m feeling good
. Grateful that you did find a adoptive loving family.
… almost at your 1 week friend… keep up the great work 
