Day 101.
Feeling sleepy with some pain, but overall pretty good. Had a great time with my family yesterday. I did at some point had a flashback to some of my childhood abuse and had to step outside to attempt self-regulation.
TW: child abuse, sibling abuse
Summary
My niece just turned 10 and my nephew is turning 8 soon. My older sisters were talking about sibling stuff, and my dad and uncle were talking about sibling stuff, and then it just. Hit me. When my younger brother (read: abuser) was 8 and I was 10, he sliced my leg open with a broken glass bottle, and I still have a 3 inch scar on my leg almost 20 years later. Seeing a sibling duo of the same age just…really drove home how incredibly horrible and abnormal things were for me. And the worst part? That wasn’t even the most horrible thing he did to me. It’s just the thing that left a lasting physical scar–evidence that this was real. And I just got scolded for being on a white couch while my leg gushed blood, and then dismissed to clean off in the shower, then yelled at when I started screaming when the water hit the wound and the pain finally hit me. I was never taken to a doctor, and he never received any consequences for that purposeful act.
I didn’t realize that a half hour passed and none of my tools and tricks for regulating were working, so ultimately I texted one of my sisters to come outside and help bring me back down to earth. And you know what she said? That she was so happy that I asked for help when I needed it. And that meeting me was one of the best days of her life, because now she has the brother she always wanted, and her kids have me as an uncle–a lighthouse for her children.
Then while we were sitting on the floor crying, my nephew ran up to me out of nowhere, did a random spin, gave me a hug, and then ran off again. I couldn’t help but laugh, and my tears turned from ones of pain and trauma to gratitude and bewilderment. And then we returned to the living room and continued hanging out with the rest of the family–my family.
Right now I’m getting ready to go to IOP, and then plan is to go to the buddhist temple this evening for a guided meditation.
I have a meeting with my boss on Friday to finalize my return to work, so I’m hopeful that I can really advocate for myself and my needs and boundaries.
Feeling heavy, yet hopeful. Going to put my head on the pillow sober tonight.
(Also @TrustyBird no need to apologize, the advocacy is appreciated!!)