Reese's Check-ins

[reeseycup]

Day 89.

Finished my second to last day of PHP. Seems fitting that my last day will also be my 90 day milestone. Everything feels so surreal. I have really worked my ass off to come this far in my recovery, both in my sobriety and my trauma.

I had a session with my usual therapist this evening, and there is SO MUCH grief for Little Reese and everything that I did and didn’t experience as a young one. It’s genuinely a shock that I got out of my family of origin, both physically and mentally. It’s a shock that I’m even remotely okay, much less that I’m actually doing pretty damn good and working so fucking hard to heal.

Almost done. Then it’s on to IOP. Then transitioning back to work, first part-time, then back to full-time. Feeling a little anxious about how to navigate that, but I have time to figure it out, and it doesn’t help to worry about a future that doesn’t exist yet. I have time to plan. Right now: recovery.

One day at a time.

[JazzyS]

@reeseycup

will also be my 90 day milestone. Everything feels so surreal. I have really worked my ass off to come this far in my recovery, both in my sobriety and my trauma.

You have worked really hard and you have come a long way! 3 months tomorrow . Excited for the next chapter in your healing journey. Great to see you not future tripping and taking it one day at a time.

[reeseycup]

Day 90!!!

3 whole months Clean and Sober!

An entire season of sobriety!

Truly cannot remember the last time I was clean for this long. Really could not have done it without this app and the awesome community here.

Last day of PHP today. I’m so proud of myself for everything I’ve done. Really amazed at how far I have come.

[TS66]

[JazzyS]

SOOO very happy to see this and happy for your journey. Good luck with today.

A huge congrats on your 3 months of sobriety

[MrMoustache]

Wow, 90 days! That is so awesome! Congratulations!

[SoberOskar]

Awesome number! Congrats!!!

[Blanka]

[reeseycup]

Finishing up Day 93.

I had a good long weekend. Went to my sister’s on Friday to celebrate my niece’s 10th birthday. I love being around her and her little brother. They’re good kiddos. And it’s so beautiful to see my sister and brother-in-law being such loving parents.

Saturday I decided to relax and focus on myself. Had a few cravings to stop by the pot shop as a “reward,” but I knew the slippery slope that would lead to. Instead I went to the library, followed by taking myself out to dinner (with NA ginger beer), then a Tarot ritual for the full moon.

Today I decided to go to a Buddhist temple for the first time in my entire life. I’ve been studying various spiritual teachings, picking what resonates for me and leaving what doesn’t. Buddhism has always been something that kind of interested me, so I checked it out and it was very beautiful and serene. A lot of beliefs that I had already been trying to incorporate into my life, so that was cool to see. I was super nervous, but the few people there were very welcoming and patient. There was even a free lunch after where I was able to talk with one of the monks, and he gave me a tour of the temple and altar with a little “crash course” on shingon buddhism.

Rounded out the evening with a bad movie night with some of my online friends. It was nice to have the gang back together for the first time since I started treatment.

I’m doing well. Continuing with yoga and Tarot reading. Riding the waves when the urges come. Trying to practice radical acceptance and mindfulness when distress comes knocking. Trying to give myself grace, for both me and for Little Reese.

First day of IOP tomorrow. Feeling pretty good. It’s wild to be able to say that and believe it.

[reeseycup]

Day 95.

Had my first two days of IOP. It feels so weird having a bunch of free time now… Finding ways to fill the hours. Meditation, yoga, reading. I even hit up the gym today for the first time in quite a while, so that was cool. I also had an intake appointment with a new psychiatrist this morning, so that feels promising.

I really don’t feel like the same person I was at the beginning of the year, and that’s a really good thing.

Finished mopping and deep cleaning my apartment. Other than therapy tomorrow evening, I have the day off. It’s nice to know that I’m not going to smoke my hours away.

Going to keep on keeping on.

[JazzyS]

Awesome ways of filling in your free time. SO happy for you and look forward to celebrating your triple digits with you soon

[reeseycup]

Day 98.

I feel like I want to do something special to commemorate 100 days, then remembered that I already am! I’m having a big family luncheon at my parents’ house, and it’s always wonderful to be around my beloved family. That in of itself is a good celebration.

I think tomorrow/Saturday I’ll take myself on a fancy dinner date. Get all dressed up and go somewhere nice. Might bring a book as my date lol. Might stay home and have a diy spa day.

Feeling confident and optimistic. IOP is going well. I finished the first of two assessment sessions with the individual therapist, then we’ll get started on The Work. I’m feeling hopeful towards somatic therapy to help me.

Also emailed my boss, gave them a return to work date and my part time availability. Hoping that I will be discharged from IOP and can return to full time again by the end of May.

Continuing my yoga and Tarot reading and meditation. Also went back to the buddhist temple a couple more times. I’m still in the “checking it out” phase but at the very least, it feels peaceful to be there.

So close to 100 days and beyond. I can and I will do this.

[CanadianGirl]

I just want to say the effort you have put in to these past 98 days is incredible. You are doing so great and I am proud of you for how far you have come.

[JazzyS]

So very close to the triple digits … so very exciting. I am so proud of your journey and all the effort you are putting into healing from your past trauma which finding other ways to deal with life’s lifey moments.

A fancy dinner date with a book sounds perfect! I have taken myself out many a times and it is always a lovely evening. Hope you do something special just for you

ODAAT

[reeseycup]

Day 99.

Have been having some trouble finding ways to fill my time without PHP or full-time work to whittle the hours away. I keep finding myself wanting to smoke, especially with the weather being so nice. Just wanting to sit in the sun and get stoned and enjoy the day.

So I’m trying to do so without the stoned part. And the hours are passing, slowly but surely.

Still waiting for my bosses to email me back about returning to work. The schedule for the next week was posted and I’m not on it (to be fair I work more in admin/office than on the floor, so it’s not a huge surprise), but I do feel a little bit of anxiety. Not the end of the world if I return first week of May instead of last week of April. Still have a good number of hours left in my paid leave so I’m not feeling the desperation yet.

Plan for today: going to try to hit the gym after breakfast. It’s supposed to rain today so I’ll probably stay in and either do some reading or bust open a jigsaw puzzle. And I’m still planning on taking myself on a fancy dinner date this evening, to celebrate hitting triple digits tomorrow!

Feeling good. Feeling very grateful to my past self for making this decision.

[reeseycup]

Hi Bob, not sure what the intention behind this comment was, but I will say that this kind of comment is less than helpful on a thread dedicated to someone’s healing journey from addiction to marijuana.

I know each person and their journey is different, but I really do not need to see someone commenting on mine about the “goodies” they get at the dispensary and how weed helps them.

I’m sure you did not have ill intent, but this is NOT the thread for this kind of content.

[Blanka]

Reese!!! I cant believe it! 100 tomorrow! I mean I actually can believe it!!! … you are great my friend xxx

[BobT]

I realize this now..also got a deserved nasty gram from moderator. I honestly was just trying to be friendly and empathetic and anticipating the same journey for myself. I am sorry.

[TrustyBird]

Hey not to insert myself where I don’t belong but I’m the one who dropped the flag here. Reese was not at fault in any way. I’ve been enjoying his check ins and wanted to help keep his thread clean so I flagged it so the mods could remove it.
Carry on Reese. Sorry to be a buttinski.

[reeseycup]

Day 101.

Feeling sleepy with some pain, but overall pretty good. Had a great time with my family yesterday. I did at some point had a flashback to some of my childhood abuse and had to step outside to attempt self-regulation.

TW: child abuse, sibling abuse

Summary

My niece just turned 10 and my nephew is turning 8 soon. My older sisters were talking about sibling stuff, and my dad and uncle were talking about sibling stuff, and then it just. Hit me. When my younger brother (read: abuser) was 8 and I was 10, he sliced my leg open with a broken glass bottle, and I still have a 3 inch scar on my leg almost 20 years later. Seeing a sibling duo of the same age just…really drove home how incredibly horrible and abnormal things were for me. And the worst part? That wasn’t even the most horrible thing he did to me. It’s just the thing that left a lasting physical scar–evidence that this was real. And I just got scolded for being on a white couch while my leg gushed blood, and then dismissed to clean off in the shower, then yelled at when I started screaming when the water hit the wound and the pain finally hit me. I was never taken to a doctor, and he never received any consequences for that purposeful act.

I didn’t realize that a half hour passed and none of my tools and tricks for regulating were working, so ultimately I texted one of my sisters to come outside and help bring me back down to earth. And you know what she said? That she was so happy that I asked for help when I needed it. And that meeting me was one of the best days of her life, because now she has the brother she always wanted, and her kids have me as an uncle–a lighthouse for her children.

Then while we were sitting on the floor crying, my nephew ran up to me out of nowhere, did a random spin, gave me a hug, and then ran off again. I couldn’t help but laugh, and my tears turned from ones of pain and trauma to gratitude and bewilderment. And then we returned to the living room and continued hanging out with the rest of the family–my family.

Right now I’m getting ready to go to IOP, and then plan is to go to the buddhist temple this evening for a guided meditation.

I have a meeting with my boss on Friday to finalize my return to work, so I’m hopeful that I can really advocate for myself and my needs and boundaries.

Feeling heavy, yet hopeful. Going to put my head on the pillow sober tonight.

(Also @TrustyBird no need to apologize, the advocacy is appreciated!!)