Oh Resse 
So very much love this post and so grateful that you are now surrounded by support / love and family Sorry for the past trauma my friend. Grateful that you are working through it and healing while surrounded by love 
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Finishing up Day 102.
Spoke up during group in IOP today to process the horror and grief of the childhood I experienced, juxtaposed with the childhood(s) I am witnessing now. And the hurt of the family I was born into, and the longing and sadness and gratitude for the family I have now. I’m so happy that I have what I have now, and yet also feeling so sad for Little Reese and the fact that he did not experience any of that…
Holding a lot of feelings together at the same time, sometimes contradictory ones. It’s been a very thoughtful day and yet also very painful. I look at the scar my abusive brother gave me and I feel hurt, and horror knowing that it’s not the worst that happened.
And reminding myself that it’s over, I am safe now, I have gone through the hardest part already. I have survived the active combat zone, now I’m focusing on healing my wounds slowly but surely.
I don’t need drugs to get through my days and nights anymore. I can and I will do this. Deep breaths. One day at a time.
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Finishing up Day 103.
Stayed up way too late last night and way overslept. Missed the 1pm guided meditation I had planned on attending, then rushed to a doctor appointment that was actually scheduled for next week instead of today. Went home a little frazzled, did some chores to calm my nerves and a workout to release pent up energy.
Had a session with my usual therapist this evening. Told her about Sunday, and the juxtapositions of my past and the kids’ presents. And the immense horror and grief that comes with that. She made a good point: watching these kids grow up is going to be both very healing and also very triggering. She’s absolutely right. I pray that they won’t experience even a fraction of the pain that Little Reese did. I’m taking care of myself now to help honor and protect that lonely and unsafe child too.
Big sighs. My head hurts. But I’m going to bed on time, so I have that going for me. Yoga, tarot, meditation, sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
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Day 104.
Very tired. Tossed and turned most of the night. Had vivid dreams, mostly stressful, but tbankfully no night terrors. Gotta try to rally myself together for IOP and individual therapy today. I’m pooped.
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Day 106.
Super tired. My left ear feels plugged up and kind of painful. I’m going to keep monitoring it but I think it’s probably from pollen allergies. Going to lie down for a little bit and then continue on with my day.
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Ear stuff sucks. Bren dealing with some myself. Hope it clears up quickly for you 
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Finishing up Day 106.
Managed to take myself to the gym and gain some energy again. Washed my hair and decided to reward myself with dinner at a fancy restaurant. I drank a mocktail with my meal and was able to enjoy a dessert too.
There was a little part of me that wanted to “reward” with some weed, and I had to shut that down pretty quickly. It’s like my addict mind was trying to convince me that if I did 100 days before, I could do it again “after just one joint.” Or that I could somehow use responsibly. But I know how that story ends.
Going to do my bedtime yoga, tarot reading, meditation, and sleep. Tomorrow I’m going back to the buddhist temple. They have a fire ceremony on the last Sundays of the month called a goma ritual, so I think that will be cool/interesting.
One day at a time.
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Damn that addict mind. So grateful you can see through the lies and are staying in track 
Have a great time at the ceremony
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Day 107.
Really weird to think about how I’m gonna be returning to work this weekend. Feeling really anxious after being away for a few months now. I’m so afraid of going back to my old habits and unhealthy ways of thinking.
Gotta remind myself that my protection is my priority, and it’s okay and tantamount that I start slow and take it easy at first.
Goma fire service at the temple was really cool yesterday. I think the next time I go, I’ll ask one of the monks if there’s a book or something I can read to learn more about the teachings.
IOP today and I’m meeting with my new individual therapist. Feeling a little anxious, and also a little frustrated too. It’s exhausting to retell my story and explain my situation over and over again. I’m going to try and use my remaining time in IOP to focus on how I can return to work and “the real world” while maintaining my health.
Weed cravings have been quiet, but not silent. Grateful for this app and community. ODAAT.
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Wow I caught up on your last few days.. You are doing fantastic.. Please don’t “future trip” you going back to work.. Breathe and ease into it… Easy for me to say I know.. I am here for you. I believe in you.
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I was also afraid of coming back to work after my surgery, I was off for 8 weeks. But it was better than I thought, and actually very nice to see familiar faces, come back to things I know very well and Im good at…
But yes, when working you need to be extra careful, bad days and old ways of thinking/reacting to them will happen. XXX
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Great work on 107 days my friend. You are doing great. Heading back to work can be nerve wrecking after some time off. Remember that you have made some serious transformations - You have your tools and your support system. You are NOT alone!
Take it slowly and ease your way back in. We will be here for you. You can also figure out different routines before and after work so you don’t fall back into old habits. ODAAT 
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I ended up not going to IOP today due to a LOT of physical pain and exhaustion. I called in and then got some more rest which I think I really needed. Managed to go to the guided meditation this evening so that was good. Tidied up around the apartment and now I’m going to take an epsom salt bath to hope it helps with my pain.
Tomorrow I have a therapy telehealth in the morning and then I will definitely go to IOP no matter what. Hoping I can get some decent sleep tonight. Resisting those cravings. I know that I’ll feel horrible the second the high wears off, possibly even before then. Hopefully a bath and gentle yoga will help with my pain.
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i hope your bath provides the comfort you need. Hugs.
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Sending comforting hugs. Hope you are feeling better today .
Great reminder to yourself of how you would feel during/ after getting high. Totally not worth it. Keep pushing forward
Finishing up Day 109.
TW suicidal ideation
Summary
Had a pretty good day in IOP until the end of it. One of my peers (I knew them in PHP and consistently had issues with them) waaaay overshared details about suicide attempts. Like methods and “how easy it is”. It triggered the hell out of me and I just immediately left the room to try and protect myself. I was feeling angry and frustrated, and honestly kind of spiraled and my brain fixated on “how easy it is” and the methods they were describing. For the record, that level of sharing is not permissable in treatment, and this person has also consistently overstepped boundaries and I was so dreading them joining my IOP group because I thought that I was finally “free” of them.
I also got really offended when they said that their attempt cost them most of their relationships, “because nobody wants to be friends with someone who is suicidal.” I could go on and on about why I think this person has few friends (none really have to do with the attempt), but I felt really hurt and offended because as someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation and failed attempts, my friends have been the ones that supported me and helped me survive when I just wanted to escape the hell that was my bio family. So to hear “nobody wants to be friends with someone who’s suicidal,” followed by basically a how-to guide on accessible methods of suicide…well, it fucking sucked.
I stepped out immediately and started to regulate myself, and one of the therapists checked in with me. I made a conscious effort to not apologize as I explained the situation, and tbh the therapist seemed pretty horrified by what was shared since that’s not supposed to happen. She said that she would address the issue and I was free to just hang out for the next 30 minutes until IOP wrapped up for the day. I was still feeling pretty angry and upset, even by the time I got home, so I just took a nap for a few hours.
Not feeling quite as angry anymore, but feeling a little better. Finishing up dinner, then going to shower and wash my hair. Tomorrow I have a dermatologist appointment for a spot on my leg, and a session with my outside therapist in the evening. Hoping I can make some time to go to the temple for the guided meditation.
Feeling pretty overwhelmed and a little bit hopeless, but trying to remind myself that this too shall pass.
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2nd check in before bed. Now that I’m winding down the feelings are coming back up. Feeling really strong cravings and a sense of “what’s even the point?” Really wanting the comfort of being stoned to get me out of my head and just numb everything. Even though logically I know that won’t help anything, it doesn’t really change the desire for that immediate escape.
If I can get through the next 15 minutes, then the pot shop will be closed and I’ll at least have that option taken away for another night. Fuck, i hate feeling like this. I wish that so much didn’t happen–the incident in IOP, the memories coming back, getting sober, starting using in the first place, being abused, being ALIVE.
I’m so frustrated by everything. I know that these are unhelpful and unhealthy thoughts, so I’m hoping that by writing them down I can get them out of my brain.
Breathing. Stretching. Feeling my body. Reminding myself of my family that loves me.
Fuck.
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Checking in yet again but [Lesley Gore voice] it’s my thread and I’ll post if I want to.
Caught myself spiraling pretty quickly and realized okay, I need another human to talk to and not just my brain. Called up my middle sister right as she was getting ready for bed, bitched about my day and got some good validation from her, talked a little about how the kids are doing, and received a picture of one of her cats.
I’m so grateful that I’m in a place where I can call up my sister late at night and chat and vent and joke around, and feel better afterwards. Never thought that was something that I could have before.
Feeling a lot better. Going to do my bedtime routine and sleep.
Also, picture of her female cat for pet tax. Caption was just “Egg”
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Ah man that is horrible. Sorry this person shared such things in a group session and with such details. Grateful you walked away. Grateful you protected yourself and I do hope the therapist you talked to does address this issue.
Makes sense that you were spiraling. A lot of heavy triggers. So glad you came here to share and found a lovely way to connect with someone else. So glad you were able to talk to your sis.
Another day win and you have survived. No need to escape or be numb. You are doing amazing work
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I am so glad you can post here and work out your thoughts. What a great sister. Hopefully you share with her your appreciation for her loving support. I am glad your are facing your challenges knowing getting numb from a substance is NOT the solution. Personally I now know why I wanted to check out in all the forms you describe.
You are doing so GREAT!
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