Day 130.
Got a busy day ahead. Doctor appointment this morning and therapy this afternoon. My aunt called me earlier so I’m going to call her back once I get home.
Feeling tired because I didn’t sleep super well last night, but overall feeling okay. One day at a time.
Day 131.
I’m tired, kept tossing and turning, but overall I feel okay. Had a productive day yesterday, even with all the sadness I’m holding in me.
Work today. Going to make a point to take the long way home so I don’t even have to look at the pot shop. I can and will do this.
Day 132.
With the weather getting nicer, I’m running into a lot more people smoking while I’m on my walks. The smell of weed kicks up my cravings, but I just keep walking and try to find something to distract myself. Staying busy definitely helps.
Goal today is to leave work on time and not end up staying late. Being okay with leaving things for tomorrow. Not holding myself to impossible standards. I can and will do this.
I LOVE THIS!!!
I totally understand how the urges kick in when you smell the scent in the air. I have to be prepared now that the weather is getting better. Last year I had some major urges when I unexpectedly smelt pot while out on a walk in my neighborhood. We just have to be mindful and alert of our addict mind. We can and will do this - love the attitude! 
2nd check in today.
Feeling incredibly depressed due to conflict with my older (bio) brother. He’s not understanding why I want to completely have our bio family out of my life, and got angry with me and called me unreasonable and a burden. So that really hurt…
The more I’ve been talking to him, the more I’m getting the feeling that he doesn’t believe the abuse I went through, or at least doesn’t believe it’s as bad as I say. And that’s leaving me feeling really empty and hurt. Even when I expressed that I’m feeling hurt and unlistened to, he just said that I’m not making sense and not acting based in reality.
You know, super cool and normal things to say to someone who just got done with a 3 month intensive psychiatric treatment for severe trauma from childhood abuse, but okay.
Don’t know why I’m sharing so much of this. Just feeling really bummed out, betrayed, and lonely. I think I’ll have to go low contact with him for the foreseeable future. Reached out to my therapist to see if we can schedule a session sooner rather than later.
Almost done with work. Going to try to relax when I get home. Might call up one of my sisters to make sure I’m not acting crazy and unreasonable. I don’t think I am, but I’m just feeling so confused and hurt right now.
Last check in before bed.
I was feeling really miserable after work, ruminating on the conversation with my older brother, questioning myself and my reality, wanting nothing more than to get lost in a stoned haze…
I called up my oldest sister (adopted) and she very gently yet firmly told me flat out: this behavior of my brother’s is abusive and strange. I like that she didn’t say he’s abusive, but that his behavior is. Because that’s true, honestly… And hearing her no-nonesense words did help me feel better and less crazy.
Once I got home I called up my best friend (we went to high school together) and we talked for over an hour. She is familiar with my brother and bio family, and I trust her implicitly. I basically read aloud my text conversation, and it was really nice getting that affirmation and validation from her, because I also know that she’s not one to bullshit me. She reiterated that I’m NOT being crazy or unreasonable, and pointed out that this isn’t the first time that my brother has some something like this to me. And also shared that it really does sound like he doesn’t believe that my abuse happened. It felt really affirming to hear her getting fired up and angry on my behalf, while still showing kindness and making me laugh with silly jokes.
All of this to say, after talking to my trusted loved ones and thinking/journaling on it, I believe I’m going to have to go low contact with my biological brother for the forseeable. It’s sad and I’m feeling a loss, since he’s the only member of my family of origin that I stayed in contact with. But I also need to protect my peace. I’ve worked SOOOO hard to start healing from my trauma, and it’s not fair to Little Reese to continue spending time with people who either hurt me or minimize/dismiss the hurt I went through.
It’s tough and I’m sad. Yet I’m going to bed sober tonight, and I know that I have a family that loves me, even though we don’t share blood ties.
Yoga, tarot, sleep. The scorpio moon is all about releasing that which no longer serves you. Tomorrow is a new day. I can and I will do this. One day, one moment at a time.
I am so sorry for the conversation that you had with your bio brother. I can see how that would make you feel all those emotions and create such a strong trigger.
So very grateful that you reached out to your sister and best friend. Grateful that they were able to give confirmation that you are not going mad. That your feelings and actions are valid.
Love this. Hope you rested well my friend and have a wonderful Friday ahead
Day 133.
Taking deep breaths today. Got a last minute therapy session scheduled for Tuesday, so that’s something. My brother keeps texting me so I think I’ll have to put my phone on do not disturb for a while. I need to distance myself to protect my peace and sanity.
Getting ready for work now. Breathing deeply. Taking things one moment at a time. Had lots of relapse dreams last night followed by a feeling of panic. No matter what, I’m going to bed sober tonight.
Great job on sober days. Just a simple thought for your walk. Do you like the aroma of lavender. I made hubby a tiny clothe bag and put our home grown lavender crushed up in it. All you have to do is squeeze it and smells divine. Maybe a little lavender in your pocket to “sniff” to counter the other triggering smell. Keep on walking you are doing great.
An excellent idea. I do have a couple of lavender sachets at home but I never bring them with me. I’ll try that today. Thank you.
Today has been very hard and it’s not even over yet. Witnessed a suicide attempt on my way to work so that shook me up. I called 911 and the guy was safe when I left but holy shit.
Got really overwhelmed at work with various med problems and we were down a nurse today too.
My brother continues to text me, doubling down and saying some really dismissive and sometimes outright cruel things. I’m going to go no contact with him for now.
I have a migraine and my head is swimming. There’s a nonzero chance I’m going to call out tomorrow because I’m just so incredibly overwhelmed and losing my mind.
I’m still sober and going to stay that way. I’m just ready to go to sleep and not wake up for a long, long time.
Feeling pretty sick to my stomach tbh. Got home and immediately crashed, just flopped on top of my bed with work clothes still on. I’m fighting off some intense nausea and a migraine, trying to work up the willingness to at least shower.
On the bright side, i didn’t wake up until after the pot shop closed. It’s like my body knew i wasn’t doing great and just turned off for a little bit. So at the very least, I’m still sober.
Hope you slept well and wake up feeling better.
Muting your brother may be a good idea for now for your mental health and recovery.
Here’s wishing you a wonderful Saturday
Day 134.
Called out of work today because I’ve been feeling just sick to my stomach. Pretty sure it has to do with anxiety. Catching up on some much needed rest.
Wrapping up the day. Glad I called out of work. Struggled with incredible nausea and exhaustion. I really do think it’s my body reacting to my grief and anxiety regarding the whole situation with my brother. It feels like not only is he siding with my abusers over me, he’s challenging my trauma saying that it’s “not based in reality.” No contact for now is the only way to protect my peace and sanity.
Slept a lot today, ate just some yogurt, fruit, and nuts throughout the day. And ginger tea, which seemed to help. Watched a movie and played a relaxing video game. Put together a self soothing kit to take with me on the go.
Time for some gentle yoga, tarot, meditation, and sleep. Tomorrow is the Goma fire ceremony at the temple, so that’s always pretty cool, and it will be nice to be around other people. Grateful that I have a therapy session on Tuesday and my work is letting me take that day off for it.
Goodnight, yall. Tomorrow is a new day. Hitting the pillow sober. We can and will do this.
Day 135.
Awful nightmares last night. Main goal today is to be gentle to myself. Breathing.
It definitely sounds like these past few days have been tough on you. Just want to remind you like others have reminded me before it’s ok if the only thing you do today is stay sober. I hope you have restful & nightmare free sleep tonight and a better day tomorrow 
This is basically a journal entry, but it’s my thread and I can post what I want to lol.
Today during the service at the buddhist temple, it hit me just how much the situation with my brother is affecting me. The head priest talked a bit about abuse, and how it’s never the fault of the abused. It just really struck me hard, especially how my brother is making me feel like I’m going crazy all over again. Trying to “bring the family back together” even when said “family” put me through literal hell.
I was shaking and felt this strong feeling of fear inside me. One of the buddhist priests noticed after the service and asked if I needed any help. I ended up breaking down crying and spilled everything to her. She just held my hand and told me that she was so sorry I went through that as a child, and was going through this right now, and that I was safe and no one was going to hurt me there. She even joked that even though the head priest is a little old man, he would punch anybody who tried to hurt me, and that made me laugh.
The whole interaction really made me think… If this stranger who I’ve only interacted with a handful of times was able to believe and comfort me, why can’t my own flesh and blood? If my brother is in such denial about what I went through, I just…can’t trust him the way that I want to. And that makes me really sad.
AND that’s not my fault. The abuse wasn’t my fault. The pain of my trauma is so real and raw. No wonder I self medicated with my addiction so that I wouldn’t have to feel it. But now I need to feel it to heal it. I can live a sober life. I deserve a sober life with health and healing and joy and peace.
Breathing in and out. I’m cleaning my apartment so give me a sense of control and order. Going to do everything in my power to go to bed sober tonight. At least for today, I’m not going to smoke. ODAAT.
A lot of great revelations have come from this post. Glad you did post here. Maybe bookmark it so you can revisit in the future.
YES!! Keep putting in the effort and working on your journey. ODAAT
Wrapping up Day 136.
My apartment is deep cleaned, so that is nice. I slept a LOT today and ended up missing the guided meditation, but that’s fine, I think. Just took it easy today and mostly puttered about. Washed my hair, made some good pasta for dinner, watched a movie, etc.
Just put together a fresh simmer pot for the new moon. Going to practice some yoga, do a Tarot reading for the new moon, journal, meditate, bed. Another day done and sober. Therapy and no work tomorrow. I got this.