I like it.. I am now thinking what would I want in my self kit. I don’t think chocolate chip cookies would last long.. haha
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Oh this is awesome. Thanks for sharing and providing the breakdown of each item.
Lovely idea 
.
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That self care kit seems like a great idea! I hope it helps you in your daily life’s challenges.
Hi Keyana, i think you might be looking for the daily check in thread, which is for everyone. This thread is more specifically about my own personal journey. Here’s the link to the public thread:
Congrats on over a month sober!
Day 140.
Nightmares were absolutely horrible last night. I even talked and screamed in my sleep, and apparently scratched myself. Feeling like I’m losing my mind all over again…
Not looking forward to going to work today but I’ll have to do everything in my power to stay sober.
Feeling really anxious and miserable and still scared/rattled. Is my trauma going to haunt me forever? How am I going to be free of my abuser when he seems to live in my subconscious, continuing to torture me?
I’m so tired…
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Sorry to hear about your nightmares. I do hate waking up bruised or scratched (totally know the stunned feeling in the awake hours). Sorry friend.
You are working towards your mental health and have a great recovery program going. Great support system. I know it feels overwhelming and feels like it will go on forever but I do believe that you will heal from this The trauma is deep and built up over a lifetime and will take time to chip away.
Stay positive and have faith 
It will get better 
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Day 141.
Doing my best to stay positive and peaceful in the midst of these night terrors. Not wanting to go into work today, so I’ll just try to hide in the back of the office and get some paperwork done. Really craving a joint but my priority is staying sober.
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Day 142.
My depression lies to me just as much as my addiction does. So very tired. Didn’t want to go to the temple today, but did opposite action and went instead and was glad for it. Just woke up from a long nap. Pushing out the lies with music and animal crossing. Going to make a sandwich now. My
My therapist says that when i feel like the world is ending, have a snack and take a nap, and see how i feel afterwards. She’s pretty much always right haha.
Just gotta get through the day. If i don’t do anything else, at the very least I’m putting my head on the pillow sober tonight.
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Day 143.
Had therapy today and it was very emotional yet good. My body and my psyche are doing a lot of work to try and organize my thoughts and feelings as I continue working through my trauma while back in “the real world.” No wonder I’m so exhausted and down.
Going to the guided meditation at the buddhist temple now. Gonna take a nice walk in the sun and see all the blooming flowers. Planning to clean up the apartment a bit to get some control of my environment.
Taking one day, one minute, one breath at a time. I need to feel this to heal this, and I can only feel it fully if I’m sober. I can and will do this.
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Wrapping up the day. Grateful for therapy. Glad i went to meditation. Work tomorrow. Still here, still sober. Dreading the possibility of more nightmares tonight. Going to shower, yoga, Tarot, sleep. Journaling to get the thoughts out of my brain and onto paper. Tomorrow is a new day.
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Grateful you are putting in so much work in your recovery. I am sorry about all the nightmares.
Does your therapist have any tips of how to cope with them or possibly make them go away? Possibly a dictator could help 
. Maybe playing a meditation on repeat while you sleep will help your subconscious mind?
I do have faith that this too shall pass. Just remember that getting high will not help the situation any.
You are doing great my friend
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Day 146.
Haven’t been posting because Idk what to say, but it’s probably still good for me to check in to maintain my focus.
Had a bit of a hiccup yesterday. Went to get my annual physical done and was just. So triggered by being touched, even though it was in a medical space and my doctor (who’s amazing) was of course all about consent and explaining everything she did. And i just burst into tears once it was all done. It surprised me how much i was affected…how much having my trauma at the forefront of my mind is STILL effecting me.
My doctor ended up writing me a note excusing me from work yesterday. I got myself a matcha green tea latte, sat in the sun, and cried and cried. Then i was so exhausted i took a nap for several hours. Really glad that i didn’t just blow away the day by smoking.
I feel really guilty and ashamed for my reaction, and for missing work because of it. Even as i was shaking and the tears rolled down my face, i wondered if i was “faking it,” that I’m crazy and blowing things out of proportion like my older brother has been saying.
God, it really does feel like he ripped a scab open. I feel so hurt and betrayed that not only does he not believe me, but he thinks I’m mentally unstable, confused, and my fears are unfounded and not based in reality. That really fucking hurts. And it feels like I’m having to mourn the loss of our relationship, because i can’t have someone like that in my life, certainly not now.
Guess i had more to say than i anticipated.
About to clock out and head home. Grateful it’s summer and that the sun is still out. Grateful that despite everything, I’m still alive and I’m still sober, against all odds.
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Hugs my friend. Keep listening to your body and when you need a break take it.
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Checking in one more time before bed. Did all the things: hot shower, sleepytime tea, gentle yoga, tarot reading, journaling, meditation… I take medication to help me sleep and help with the nightmares. I meditate before bed and fall asleep listening to a guided meditation.
And yet right now I am feeling so incredibly sad and heavy, yet can’t put my finger on it. I’m trying to replace my resentment/anger towards my abuser(s) with gratitude towards my loved ones. Replace the negative with the positive. Yet it’s so hard to do when the negative feels so heavy and overbearing.
Getting high or drunk or altering myself in any way isn’t going to help, I know this. I’m just so tired of feeling like this little broken thing. I’ll be 29 next week and I know I’m young and my life is just starting. It just sucks to think about how most of it was in the clutches of active torment, and now I’m trying desperately to pick up the pieces of myself.
Idk. Just rambling now. It’s better to get this off my chest here than letting it simmer in my heart and bleed into my subconscious dreams.
Thank you for everyone here for their support and love and kindness. It truly does mean the world to me, and I don’t think i would be able to get and stay sober, and subsequently work on my (grueling, long, painful) healing journey without this community.
Goodnight, yall.
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Nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. You are taking time for healing. You have been through a lot in your youth and it makes sense that certain things, mannerisms, situations will be triggering. I am so sorry for all the hurt you have endured. Please let yourself remember that you are now safe. You are in a safe space with people who love you and wish you well. Reach out to your sisters or parents when you get these overwhelming feelings.
Do not worry about your brother it what he has said. He clearly either doesn’t understand cause he hasn’t experienced it or is dealing with his own pain in his way by denying it and burying it. He is in his own path in life and has not walked in your shoes. You keep doing the amazing work you are doing and keep putting the pieces together 
When I was doing EMDR my therapist suggested finding a safe space for me to focus on..one that would engage all my senses and I should turn to this space whenever I felt overwhelmed with trauma. For instance you could pick a beach where you are able to feel the warm sun and sand between your toes, taste and smell the salty water air, see the crashing waves and the horizon line, hear the seagulls and the waves. Getting myself to my safe space did feel incredible and helped me calm down.
I am sorry that you were feeling sad and heavy. I do hope a good night’s sleep (hopefully without nightmares) helped.
Sending hugs and love my friend. 
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Day 147.
Nothing too crazy. Sleep was alright but interrupted by the fire alarm going off at 6am, so that was fun.
I’m feeling so drained emotionally, so heavy. I feel like I’m wearing a lead mask when I’m interacting with my patients. Just gotta get through today. I have a call with my mom scheduled after work, so that will be nice to just hear her voice.
Breathing deeply. Reminding myself that I’m safe and loved. I can and will do this. One day at a time.
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Finishing up the day. Still feeling Empty. Called up my mom this evening and we talked for a little bit. I felt a little bit better, but mostly numb. Like I’m stuck in this big tar pit.
Going to try to sleep now. Work again tomorrow. Kind of wish I still had hours left for medical leave. Kind of wish I didn’t have to work at all. I’ve been wanting to go back to graduate school, but I have no idea how I’d be able to pay for it and survive.
Too many thoughts to deal with right now. I just need to sleep.
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Day 149.
Stayed in bed most of the day. It was a lazy Sunday. I’m just puttering around. Craving a joint but I’m going to stay inside until the pot shop is closed for sure. Just watching documentaries and playing some video games. Gotta keep going.
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Smart plan. The urges do pass and you’ll be stronger for having gotten through them. Hope you had a restful nightmare free night
Day 150 and 5 months sober!
Been in a bit of an emotional pit. I had therapy today which was good, and she reminded me that these feelings are totally normal and expected. And to not be so mean towards myself, haha.
Not much to say right now. Going to make myself some dinner before doing my evening routine. Work tomorrow. Another day sober.
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