Day 120.
Whoa, all of a sudden it’s been 4 months of sobriety! Weird how this snuck up on me.
Got decent sleep last night but I’m just really tired this morning. Time for coffee and getting ready for work.
Taking it one day at a time.
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Felt like a very long day today. Ready to rest. A small part of me wants to “unwind” by getting stoned, but it’s quiet. Going to take a hot shower and play some video games instead. If I can keep myself busy until the pot shop closes, then I’m in the clear for another day. I don’t want to reset my counter.
I can do this.
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Checking in during the middle of the night because i just feel so incredibly depressed. Can’t put my finger on it. Maybe I’m just stressing about being back at work. Not wanting to go back to how things were before. I don’t know. Going to try to sleep. I’m just feeling really down and exhausted to my core.
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A huge congrats on your 4 months 
. That’s a great amount of day ones stacked up 
As we gain more days it does become a huge reason to keep going…not wanting to restart that counter and see day 0 again.
I am sorry for the thoughts and anxiety. Hope you were able to get back to sleep. You are stronger now than before. You have support, your tools and new tools to help you navigate. Stay mindful and I believe you will be able to get back to work life without falling back to old patterns. We are here with you 
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Day 121.
Feeling pretty awful. Hope I’m not getting sick because it’s the last thing I need. I skipped all my plans for today and have stayed in bed sleeping and then sleeping some more. Ate a little bit of yogurt and fruit, but I’m so damn tired. Even as I write this I’m lying down and my eyes feel so heavy. I want to get up and Do Things but my energy is completely sapped. I’ll see if I can drag myself to take a shower soon. Just so tired…
Edit: I think a lot about the phrase “the body keeps the score.” While I have two amazing moms in my life (my sister and our mom), Mothers Day has historically been extremely difficult for me. Maybe that’s what’s going on with me. Idk…
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I hope you feel better soon 
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Hope you feel better today 
.
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Day 123.
Dreams have been troubling. I feel a deep heaviness in my heart, lots of sadness. Thinking a lot about my trauma and childhood, and how deeply it affects me to this day.
Sigh. Plan for today is individual therapy and IOP. Beyond that I think I’ll just try to take it easy and nurture myself. Tomorrow I have appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist, so hopefully that will help.
Just gotta get through one day at a time.
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Sending you…
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Got through the hardest part of the day. My IOP therapist had to reschedule for tomorrow, then I went to IOP even though I really didn’t want to. But I do feel a little bit better after going.
Still feeling this heavy depression weighing on me. I’ve thought about it and I think that I feel hurt that my older (bio) brother is still in contact with our bio family. I feel a sense of betrayal and also intense loneliness, and a sense of protection towards not wanting him to continue being hurt by them. But also acknowledging that he’s on his own journey and making his own decisions. And trying not to judge myself so harshly for these feelings that I’m having. It feels a little strange, but it’s like I wish he was estranged too, so that at least we could be estranged together. And also hurt that he’s still choosing to have a relationship with my abuser(s).
Just holding a lot of heavy emotions all at once. I’m home now and I think I’m just going to take a nap now. So exhausted, emotionally and physically.
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Day 124.
Back to back appointments scheduled today. Psychiatrist, IOP therapist, my usual therapist. It’s a lot, but I feel like I’m needing some extra help these days.
I’m feeling so depressed and so lonely. Nightmares of my younger brother assaulting me have returned, albeit not with the same intensity as before my treatment, but still troubling all the same. Struggling with these feelings of hurt regarding my older brother staying connected with our bio family, and trying to accept the absence of control I have over everything except for myself and my reactions. Feeling worried that I’m just going to have another breakdown once I’m back in “the real world” full time.
Part of me wants to go back to using so that I can numb these feelings and hide from them, enjoy the false sense of security and temporary calm that weed once gave me. And I’m playing the tape forward, knowing that it won’t work like that. But a small voice in me is insistently saying, “it might help, even just a little, even for just a second.” And it’s tempting. I’m so tired of experiencing life on life’s terms. Even though I know it’s not the case, I feel like life’s terms are just too difficult and painful for me to bear.
I’m just feeling so incredibly lost and lonely.
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I’m so sorry friend. Escaping and numbing will bring you no relief! Maybe read back to the early days cause it’ll help you remember the mess you were in with addiction. You have come a long way since day 1. I know you are still hurting but you are also healing. All the pain and trauma can’t be cured quickly. It will take time. This is when your support system is helpful. Keep showing up for yourself and putting in the work. You are worth it
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Winding down my day and about to go to bed. Feeling sad and tired, but not completely consumed by the grief. Had some very difficult yet effective appointments today.
Came to realize that my older brother is still trapped in the cycle of abuse, and is also a victim of our bio family (though in different ways from me). And I can’t control him or make choices for him. And I’m hurt that what I went through is not “the last straw” for him. And I feel very lonely in all of this. All of these things are happening at once, and it doesn’t make me a bad person for feeling this way.
I’m going to hold off on talking to my older brother for at least a little while. Tried to take it easy today. Didn’t do any chores and took myself out for dinner so I wouldn’t have to cook or do dishes.
Getting ready for bed now. Yoga, tarot, meditation, sleep. IOP tomorrow (the penultimate day!). I’m going to try picking up regular journaling again. My IT suggested not only doing journal check ins at start and end of day, but before and after work as well to keep that separation of work and the rest of life. I think that’s a good idea.
Staying sober through it all. Although it’s painful, I need to feel it to heal it. Weed can’t and won’t help me anymore.
I can and I will do this.
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Day 126.
Work today. My goal is to NOT go above and beyond. Obviously I will do my work, but I can’t take on everything for everyone. I will do my job, no more no less. At least, that’s the goal.
Also going to try journaling at the start and end of day, and before and after work, to monitor how I’m feeling and how I’m progressing with my goals.
I’ll take the long way home if I feel the cravings kick in. Reminding myself that I have so many resources other than weed available to me.
I can and will do this.
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Finishing up the day. Had a pretty stressful shift, ended up taking my lunch break late and was grumpy until after I ate. Felt really frustrated and disappointed seeing how much shit fell by the wayside while I was gone.
Came home and put those thoughts to bed. I think that having that before and after work journaling is helpful, because then I’m done with it. Tomorrow is expected to be an easier day, Saturdays are usually a little quieter. I’ll bring a book and hide if I need to.
Getting ready for bed now. Dinner was good, finished my laundry, took a hot shower, just finished my bedtime yoga. Going to do a Tarot reading, journal, meditate, and sleep. Staying sober through all of this.
Tomorrow is a new day.
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Day 127.
Nightmares were horrible last night. I so wish to be free from them…
Time to get up and start my day, I guess.
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About to head to sleep. Had a productive day, with some pockets of stress, but I managed. The best part was overhearing a few of my patients talk about how great I was when they thought I had already left the room, so that was a nice way to end the shift.
Doing the journaling/emotion tracking has been really helpful so far, especially keeping separate entries for work and the rest of my day.
Back to full time next week. I’m going to make a point of going to the buddhist temple tomorrow. I feel a lot of peace being there.
Goodnight, sober fam
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Hope you have a calming peaceful visit at the temple tomorrow
You will do great with switching to full time next week. Just remember to breathe and take it one moment at a time. We will be right here if you need us
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Day 129
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So very happy for you and all that you have done/ are doing on your sober journey. Congrats on completing the treatment.
Keep healing and showing up for yourself. Taking it one day at a time 
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