Finishing up the day. Still feeling Empty. Called up my mom this evening and we talked for a little bit. I felt a little bit better, but mostly numb. Like I’m stuck in this big tar pit.
Going to try to sleep now. Work again tomorrow. Kind of wish I still had hours left for medical leave. Kind of wish I didn’t have to work at all. I’ve been wanting to go back to graduate school, but I have no idea how I’d be able to pay for it and survive.
Too many thoughts to deal with right now. I just need to sleep.
Stayed in bed most of the day. It was a lazy Sunday. I’m just puttering around. Craving a joint but I’m going to stay inside until the pot shop is closed for sure. Just watching documentaries and playing some video games. Gotta keep going.
Been in a bit of an emotional pit. I had therapy today which was good, and she reminded me that these feelings are totally normal and expected. And to not be so mean towards myself, haha.
Not much to say right now. Going to make myself some dinner before doing my evening routine. Work tomorrow. Another day sober.
You are doing wonderful with taking steps to heal. It does take time so do be gentle with yourself. Your emotions and feelings are valid and totally normal part of the healing process . ODAAT
My birth mother contacted me via email. Wished me a happy birthday and said that “we miss you terribly.”
I feel sick to my stomach. It’s like when I start to heal a little bit, my bio family somehow weasles their way into my line of sight and rips open the scabs on my heart. I hate seeing a message of “love” from someone who consistently abused me since I was just a little kid. It makes me feel like I’m losing my mind all over again.
I am so sorry friend. What an awful feeling and to be caught off guard like that is horrifying. Don’t allow her or any of them to take any more of your peace.
You keep reminding yourself that you are in a safe space. You are surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for you. You owe your bio family Nada!
Sending love and hugs your way. Hope you are able to reach out to your sisters or parents for some grounding
Trying my best to ignore/block out messages from my bio family. My older brother even messaged me asking if I’d be open to receiving a message from our birth parents. I’m not. I’m not even in a space where I want to talk to him for the forseeable future.
In the past I would have gotten stoned out of my mind to block out all of these thoughts. I’m rifling through my sober toolkit to find something else to self soothe.
How did that go for you today? I am sorry that your bio family is trying to get in contact and keeps opening up the scabs before you have healed. Sending you love and hugs. You keep your head in the game and keep stacking up the days
Finishing up today. Work was alright, stayed busy. There’s this one person who consistently has attitude with me (she wanted my position when I went on leave and is upset I came back and “stole” her potential promotion), but I try to ignore her rudeness and focus on the kindness of the rest of my colleagues and patients.
Heading home now. Going to unwind, shower, yoga, tarot (it’s the full moon), meditate, and sleep. Going to go the long way home so I don’t even pass the pot shop. Hanging in there one day at a time.
Wrapping up work. I’m trying very hard not to give one person so much power (or any power) over my mood. I think my trauma makes me feel extra sensitive when someone is acting unkindly towards me, like my brain is telling me to be on the lookout because I’m going to get hurt again! And quite simply, I’m not in the same position I was in 15-20-30 years ago.
Breathing deeply and trying to focus on the things and people that help me to feel happy. I’m not going to numb myself with weed, at least for tonight.
Night terrors were back last night in a very strong way. Frequent waking up and screaming, shaking, crying, the whole nine yards. I ended up calling out of work today because I’m just so exhausted and rattled.
One of my best friends is going to be in town this evening and she’s visiting me to celebrate my birthday one day early. That will be nice. All i need to do is try to calm myself down before then, reminding myself that I’m safe now.
I’m so sorry friend. Sounds absolutely awful! Glad you took the time to rest up and take care of yourself today Hope you have a good visit with your friend
. ODAAT 
Hope you have a good visit with your friend