Wow, it’s really weird to think I’ve been sober for this long. My daily routine is so different from this time last year.
I’ve noticed that I feel a lot better when I make my self care rituals a priority. Yoga, tarot reading, meditating. The days that I skip these steps, my mood plummets and I feel overwhelmed by stressors. I’ve been keeping track of my mood twice a day for a few weeks now, so it’s interesting to see the data trends.
Time to get up and get some coffee and practice my morning yoga. Today is a fresh day. I can and will do this.
Congrats on 160 days… So glad you are realizing what you need to do to stay positive and focused on what is important for you. I hope you are finding fun and enjoyment along your sober journey.
I’m soooo tired and just want to go back to bed. It’s cloudy and a little chilly today so that’s certainly a factor. Hoping coffee will help. Staying sober today.
My older bio brother has reached out to me again because he wants to come visit me this summer. I’ve been avoiding talking to him because of some hurtful and dismissive things he said. I explained my feelings and he doubled down that he doesn’t believe I was abused, sexually or otherwise. I explained that I just can’t have a close relationship with him if he continues to be close to my abusers (our younger brother and bio mother in particular), and he got offended that I’m “trying to control him” and that “my fears are not based in reality.” Didn’t even acknowledge me saying outright that our brother beat, cut, berated, tormented, and molested me on a continual basis for years.
He literally said to me, “something happened im December that started you down a pretty dark path and you do seem to be just getting worse.”
That is such a slap in the face. Yes, my repressed memories resurfacing started me down a pretty dark path, and I have worked my fucking ass off since then. I feel like I’m finally starting to make some serious headway in my healing journey. So to say that I seem to be getting worse because I am setting and maintaing boundaries…it hurts.
I feel like I’m going crazy all over again. A lot of you have been reading my posts since I first came to this community. Am I acting absolutely insane? I don’t /feel/ like I’m getting worse, but now I’m full of self doubt all over again. I just don’t know what to think anymore… I feel so hurt and betrayed, and there’s a lot of grief in feeling like I’ve thrown away a relationship with the last member of my bio family.
I just don’t know. Any insight or kindness would be appreciated. I’m feeling so lost.
I don’t have any spesific words or advice, but just wanted to say that you’re doing so well, you’re not acting insane at all! I can’t even understand what you’re going through. Sending hugs, bro.
First of all…you are not I’m crazy and do not sound insane.
When we start recovery and set up boundaries and start taking care of ourselves…well…this is when some around us take offense and lash out saying we are going crazy or so different or we’ve changed and not for the better. They liked it when we were controlled by the substances and lived in the dark.
You have grown so much since you started this journey. You are dealing with so much trauma and pain. I’m sorry that your brother is not acknowledging this and making you doubt yourself. I’m sorry you went down that dark path back in December but grateful that it led you to this sober path and you are giving yourself a chance to properly heal your wounds.
Absolutely do not let him come to visit. You do not need this constant negative energy with you in your own space. You have told him nicely why you need space and once again he has belittled your feelings. This is not what a loved one does. Lean on the ones who care and love you.
Thank you guys for the kind messages. I’m unfortunately going to have to block my brother for the time being. He continued to message me some pretty cruel things, and I just can’t and won’t deal with that. Spoke to some of my close friends and got some kindness and reassurance.
Unfortunately I’ve also come down with a summer cold. I had to call out of work today (can’t be sick in a medical environment, obviously), so I’m going to stay home and just try to recuperate over the next few days. Lots of sleep, tea, and soup.
Taking it one day at a time. Grateful for this community.
sending healing vibes and hope you rest and heal quickly.
Smart move on blocking your brother. Grateful you have some close friends how were able to help you with this decision and provide kindness / reassurance. These are the people you need in your circle
Only did a half day at work yesterday because I was still feeling under the weather. Going to do my best to get through a whole day today.
Really grateful for my sobriety today. I remember being sick and irritated that I couldn’t smoke. I remember when the cravings were so strong I’d still get high even when sick, and ultimately it would just prolong whatever illness I had. And this time around I didn’t have to deal with any of that, and that’s pretty awesome.
Chugging along. Actually got some decent sleep last night, so that’s good. Making myself some coffee and breakfast before doing my morning yoga. Hoping that I can shake these cold symptoms quickly so that I can go to the temple on Sunday.
My phone died sometime during the night so I missed my alarms. Time to haul ass for work. I feel very sleepy but hopefully movement and coffee will wake me up.
Wrapping up the day. I have a migraine but my mood is still pretty good. Took a brief nap when I got home from work and happy it’s the weekend. Going to shower, wash my hair, play some video games while my hair dries, yoga, tarot, meditate, sleep. Goma service at the temple tomorrow and getting lunch with some former colleagues.
Very grateful to be sober during all of this. Just realized that this will be my first sober summer in a very, very long time. ODAAT.
Slept a lot. Reminding myself that grief takes a lot of energy to metabolize. And I’m definitely still grieving the loss of my relationship with my older brother.
Had a good therapy session today where I discussed everything going on with him, and feeling guilty for my boundaries. She assured me that I’m not overreacting and also pointed out (like other people on here have) that it’s actually good to be told that I’ve changed–it means I’m growing.
Yes, I’m not the same person that I was 6 months ago. And that’s a good thing.
Very grateful to be sober during all of this. Grateful for my friends and loved ones. I’m finally starting to feel more comfortable at work again, and I’m not really flinching when someone approaches me.
Going to celebrate US independence day this Friday with my family, and go to my parents’ house on Sunday to hang out. I’m sad about the rift that has grown between myself and the last member of my family of origin, but I can’t hold that space for him, his journey is his own. Surrounding myself with the people who do love and support me unconditionally.
About to go to sleep. Stayed up a bit too late watching videos because my hair was still drying (going to bed with wet hair when it’s thick and curly is a recipe for disaster). Bit of a headache but overall doing okay.
An uneventful day today and in my line of work, that’s a good thing.
