Day 188.
Very tired today, full of regret for staying up too late last night. But time to put on my big boy pants and go to work.
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Day 189.
Way overslept. Feeling incredibly groggy and tired. Don’t wanna go to work and just wanna sleep. Time to do some yoga and drink some coffee.
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Hope the coffee kicks in quickly - enjoy that yoga and hopefully you’ll get a good nights sleep tonight 
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Today was a really stressful day at work. Came in late due to oversleeping and shit just continued to roll downhill. One of my good friends had a pet pass away today too, and that hurts my heart. I just want to hibernate for a thousand years. Getting high won’t help anything, i know that. I guess i just miss the “comfort” of feeling like I’m in oblivion. It’s not true comfort, i know that, but the feelings are still there.
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Got home and apparently my keys are missing. Tried calling maintenence for almost an hour and someone finally picked up and is coming to let me in. I feel so crabby, like today is just getting worse and worse…
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Sorry to hear you had such a shitty day. Days that start off on the wrong foot then snowball like that are the worst. Hope you have a better day today.
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Oh man that’s frustrating. I hope you were able to relax and unwind last night. Here’s to a better today 
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Day 190.
Welp, still here and still sober. Key replacement is going to cost me like $200. Super frustrating but it is what it is, I guess. At least I’m not spending money at the pot shop anymore.
Must important thing for me to do is go to bed sober tonight. Making that commitment now.
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Good news: found my keys, so that’s great!
Less than ideal news: everything bad that could happen at work today, happened. Emergency after emergency, causing me to stay late by like 3 hours. At least I get paid overtime.
So exhausted. Looking forward to going home and washing my hair. Yoga, tarot, then sleep. A couple of days off.
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Great news that you found your keys!!!
Sorry for the long exhausting day. Hope you were able to relax and get a good night’s sleep 
Day 193.
Really strange to think that I’ll be 200 days sober in a week.
Doing okay. Processing lots of sadness and stress in therapy. Trying to stay regular with my yoga, meditation, and Tarot reading. Had a pretty good reading last night (Ace of Pentacles, Hierophant, High Priestess). Also going to put in a concentrated effort to get to bed on time and prioritize sleep again.
Time to get ready for work. Have a good 24 sober hours, yall.
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Day 194.
Tired, hanging on with coffee. Big meeting at work today. Feeling anxious, trying to use my tools to calm my nerves. No matter how stressful today may get, I’m committed to going to bed sober tonight.
One day at a time. I can and will do it.
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Finishing up a very stressful day. Lots of little meetings and running around in addition to the big meeting. I also got way triggered out of seemingly nowhere. I was asked to give a patient a shower, which I have done countless times in the past with zero issues.
Summary
But this time, the thought of seeing/touching another naked person (even in a medical setting) just triggered the hell out of me.I was reminded of when I would take a shower as a kid/teenager, and my brother/abuser would sit in the bathroom with me to “talk” while I showered. Which is so fucking weird, we didn’t have the kind of relationship where we would chit chat. Why would he sit on the closed toilet while I was in reaching distance, in a vulnerable position, just trying to get clean as we’d have a random conversation? It doesn’t make any sense. I think those bathroom “talks” were the only times we would converse semi-normally, and even then, the context of it all is NOT normal. I can’t recall him doing anything or seeing anything, but I also can’t recall looking. There’s a lot of things that I can’t recall anyway…
I didn’t even get to actually do the damn shower. I was thrown into flashbacks, couldn’t stop myself from crying, had trouble finding my words. This is all AFTER I tried the immediate response to self soothe (cold water on face, breathing exercises, reassurance/affirmations to self). I must have looked physically ill, because a few of my coworkers even asked if I was sick. Eventually I was able to drag myself to my boss’s office in an attempt to ask if anyone else was available to do the shower. I couldn’t even get my words out, but I must have looked pretty bad because she took one look at me and just said, “You can’t do the shower, can you? I’m going to get someone else to do it.” She had me sit in her office for like 20 minutes, kept reminding me to breathe and that I was safe, tried to offer me snacks which I declined because I felt so sick to my stomach.
Eventually I was able to pull myself together and get back to work. But it was a really startling experience. I feel like I had been doing SO much better at work and at life in general, managing my triggers much more effectively. This felt like a weird reminder that I’m “broken forever.” Not a helpful or even true thought, I know, yet it’s still one that kept playing in my brain.
Sigh. It’s late and I gotta get some sleep. If nothing else, I’m still sober. Grateful that I will see my therapist on Monday. Glad that I’m going into work a little late tomorrow. One second at a time. I hope that my dreams are kind to me tonight.
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Big hugs friend. I’m so sorry for the triggering experience. Of course that jolted you. You have to remember that you are still unfolding and working through your deep rooted trauma. This will take time and things will pop up (most of the time unexpectedly). I think you handled it really well. You took time to calm down, you asked for help by saying you were not up to doing that duty. These things weren’t second nature to you in the past. You have come a long way. You will not stay broken forever. You are not broken but hurt and mending your wounds.
I am so grateful that you have a caring and understanding boss.
Wishing today is a better and brighter day
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Day 195.
Dreams weren’t too tortuous last night, so I’ll take that as a win. Tired but here and sober. Did my morning yoga, made some breakfast and coffee, now getting ready for work. I can and will do this.
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Day 196.
Feeling okay, I guess. Been kind of stressful last few days. I have a meeting today for a potential promotion, so I’m really anxious about that. Breathing in and out.
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Fingers crossed friend - wishing you luck with the potential promotion 
Hugs:
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Look at you almost 200 days. Sending so much comfort vibes to you. I so love sharing your journey.
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Day 199.
Can’t believe that tomorrow I’ll have 200 sober days in a row. Truly unbelievable. I’ve changed so much in the past 200 days. Still struggle with some cravings or desires to escape, but nothing like it was in the beginning. Really grateful for this community.
Had a productive day today. Deep cleaned the apartment, touched on some deep issues in therapy, attended a guided meditation on the temple livestream (no energy to leave home and go all the way to the temple, so this was my compromise), got my meds from the pharmacy… Feeling pretty good.
See you all tomorrow for Day 200. Keep on keeping on, sober fam 
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Day 200 
We made it, gang. Feeling pretty good. Woke up on time with energy and motivation. Today will be a good day.
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