ah man i’m sorry friend. Wishing you best of luck with the surgery. I’m sure your work will understand as even your doctors say that you shouldn’t wait even one more month. Many healing vibes to you friend. 
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Ug I posted in the quote. Didn’t think you can do that….
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I was so confused because I didn’t remember posting that hahaha
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Heading to bed. Very exhausted. One of my longtime patients was transitioning and then passed away right before my shift was about to end. Of course I stayed late to help her and her family out. I’m feeling very sad and drained.
I considered stopping by the pot shop, wanting to pick up something to unwind, but I know that’s just my addict brain trying to trick me. Instead I crashed the second I got home, didn’t wake up until the pot shop was closed. Did some chores and a light dinner, shower, played some Animal Crossing. Now I’m going to do my yoga, journaling, meditation, and sleep. My boss told me to come in late tomorrow so that I can sleep in.
At the very least, I’m putting my head on the pillow sober tonight. That’s the best I can do, and that’s good enough.
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You are doing a lot more than that. Way to work through those urges.
Sorry to hear about your patient. I am sure your presence was welcomed and appreciated during the transition.
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Day 243.
Tired, but definitely needed that extra time to sleep. Dreams were weird but not completely unbearable. Time for coffee, a quick stretch, then heading to work. Goal today is to redirect negative self-talk. I can do this. Have a good sober day, fam
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Finishing day 243.
Bit of a difficult day. Still feeling drained. I forgot about my goal to redirect negative self talk, so I’m going to try a different method tomorrow. Not yet sure what that will be.
Trying to think about the good things that happened today. Really glad that I have a gratitude journal to fill out before bed. Finished some yoga, going to journal and meditate and sleep. Holding onto the belief that tomorrow brings a new day.
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Wonderful that you work on a gratitude journal as this helps keep the negative out.
A great practice to redirect that negative self talk is to acknowledge it, then challenge it and finally rephrase it to a true positive statement.
Wishing you a wonderful Thursday
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Day 244.
Not a whole lot to say, other than I was pleasantly surprised and happy to see this when I logged on:
Here’s to another 24 hours of sobriety, my friends. 
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YIPPEE - what a wonderful way to start the day! Congrats on your 8 months friend – keep the streak going strong 
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Big congratulations. What a journey you have allowed us to be a part of.
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Day 245.
Not much to say. Tired. Sober. Alive. That’s the best I can do, yet that is pretty good.
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Hey 
congratulations on ur 8 months!!! Sorry im a little late. Super proud of u tho!!!
Sometimes this is enough Staying sober can be hard work on a daily basis and ya… sometimes being sober and alive is just enough for the day! Glad ur here and doing okay!
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Day 246.
Pretty good day today! I’m so very tired, and slept through my alarms so I was pretty late to work today. But it was a good day regardless. I finally finished my project deadlines for this week, helped organize our art class for my patients, and did a poetry reading hour. Originally I was just trying to fill in some time before the patients went to social hour, but they so enjoyed my reading that everyone but 1 person opted to stay and asked me to read for the full hour. That was really nice, and something that I didn’t think I was capable of.
Home now and glad it’s the weekend. I’m feeling pretty good yet also so tired. Going to take a nap. Really grateful for being here.
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Day 248.
Feeling frustrated. One of the directors at my work replied to a work email but forwarded it to my personal. I replied saying that I was going to forward this back to my work email, and wouldn’t be checking it until tomorrow when I’m actually back at work.
I feel like it’s a really appropriate boundary to set. I’m just a bit frustrated because I have to set very firm lines between my work and personal life (more for myself than my colleagues). I even have a mode set on my phone so that I can’t check my work emails during the weekend.
Sigh. Oh well. If that’s the biggest issue I have, I guess things are going okay.
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2nd check in today.
Had a dermatologist appointment, my annual full skin check. I have such shame when it comes to my skin. So many scars, mostly from acne. Some TW for SH and childhood abuse.
Summary
Also from self harm and compulsive skin picking. And then there’s the anxiety of having someone look at my naked body, no matter how much of me is covered up by a gown. I was reminded of my birth mother looking over my skin for any little blackhead or cyst or flaw, picking at and squeezing at the imperfections until I bled, then having me sit out in the sun without protection So that my skin and the wounds would dry up. I haven’t thought about that in a long time, and it was flooding back as my dermatologist checked over my moles and spots and scars.
I feel like I’m trying to reclaim my body, in so many aspects. In getting sober, in seeking treatment for my trauma, in scheduling all of these medical appointments. And it’s overwhelming, to realize that this body is mine and that I had so little agency over it for so long. I’m trying to make up for lost time now, not just for myself, but for Little Reese who was treated as little else but an object.
Home now and I feel so drained. I got two spots biopsies just to err on the side of caution. I think I’m going to lay down for a bit. I pulled something in my lower back yesterday and my pain is rough, even after Tylenol and muscle relaxers. If I nap, then I nap, and I just have to respect that that’s what my body needed at the moment.
Sigh. Keep on keeping on, sober fam.
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Big hugs to you my friend. Please hug Little Reese for me too.
I am so very sorry for what you had to endure in your youth. You are SAFE now! You are HEALING now. Grateful that you are reclaiming your body.
I am sure today was a lot to handle so please do rest and take care of yourself. Much love to you friend
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Hi… you are doing so wonderful.. Always love to see your posts.
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Day 251
Doing okay. Had some nightmares last night, but it was…interesting. “Normal” scary dreams instead of reliving trauma. A relief, to be honest. Just continuing to chug along.
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Day 252.
Finishing up the day. Feeling alright. Accomplished. Very tired, though. I wonder how restful my sleep actually is. Hmm.
Going to do my yoga and go straight to bed. Goodnight, sober gang.
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