Jk not going back to work today because my surgeon didn’t write a proper return to work letter. Going back tomorrow on light duty. Gonna take a nap now.
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Day 280.
Okay actually heading back to work today. Plan is to listen to my body and respect my physical limitations. Good vibes appreciated. 
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WELP I was at work for a couple of hours before being notified that they actually can’t accommodate my light duty, so I won’t be back at work until the 27th when I can resume my full duties. I’m a little frustrated, but to be fair I was feeling some pain about an hour in, so I guess it’s for the best. Gotta trust in the Universe that it will give me what is meant to be. Not sure what else I’m supposed to do for the next week or so. Guess I’ll figure that out after I eat some lunch. Ugh. It is what it is.
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Oh man I’m sorry but also glad that you have some more time to heal and recover. Especially if you were feeling some pain. 
Day 282.
Lots of mixed feelings. Frustration over missing yet another week at work, and trying to find things to occupy my time without overextending myself physically. Sadness as I still try to process losing my grandmother; we posted her obituary and are planning her funeral for the spring. Fear and anxiety as I struggle with nightmares again, especially regarding my abuser and reliving my trauma.
Deep breaths. I’m going to be seeing one of my best friends today. We’re going to get dinner and visit a haunted house. She knows and is fully supportive of my sobriety, so I feel confident in going out for dinner. And I love this time of year, so going to a haunted house is going to be a lot of fun. A way to feel scared in a controlled/safe environment, and more concrete fears rather than esoteric dread or trauma.
Taking things one day at a time. Trying to place my trust in the Universe that it will provide what I need when I need it. I can and will do this.
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how is this working for you today? Your body just needs its time my friend. Try to use this opportunity to find your center and connect with yourself. You will be back at work and in full swing in no time. 
OOH - a haunted house. I so love this time of year! I hope you have a wonderful time. The best part is seeing all the amazing decorations and costumes. I went last night and did actually get a small scare while walking through fog and someone popped up from below LOL - that was fantastic
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Sending hugs. Sorry for the loss of your grandmother.
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Day 283.
Had a good day with my friend yesterday, even if most of it was spent standing in line lol.
Been struggling a bit with feelings of boredom/sadness/ennui/anhedonia these past few days. Like I was ready to go back to work and now I have another week of Nothing. I had therapy today and she called it “lower case D depression.” I know that this is situational and will pass, and at the same time I’m just. Bluh.
Talked a lot about some childhood trauma today too. My brain feels like a minefield. Any time I think through memories, it’s like there’s some other revelation of deep unsafety and terror that I underwent. I don’t like the term “born bad,” but I really do wonder sometimes with regards to my brother/abuser. I can’t recall a time in my life when I wasn’t afraid of him, when he wasn’t doing something horrific like terrorizing me or animals, as far back as the age of 5. It’s so sad to think about. So terrifying and upsetting to know that I just wasn’t safe, from day one until the day I left.
Blugh. I don’t know. Just vomiting my thoughts up now. I’ve been sleeping a lot but I think I’m going to take a nap. I’m so incredibly drained. A small part of me wishes that I wasn’t sober, but I think that part really just wants to escape the pain. A nap is going to have to work instead of getting high. Taking things one minute at a time.
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much love my friend. Hope the nap helped. This for sure is a feeling of wanting / needing to escape. You do not need to go down that road. Keep working your tools and reach out if that feeling intensifies
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Day 284.
Feel like I have a good plan for today and this week. Got some deep cleaning projects on the agenda. Cleaning relaxes me and gives me a sense of control in my environment, plus I love organizing. Doing some shopping for holiday gifts and getting a gift list going for everyone, that way I’m not scrambling in December.
Today is supposed to be nice and sunny, albeit chilly. I’m going to try to take a long walk, maybe go to the park and take a book with me.
I’m still feeling a little stir crazy and worried about finances, but thankfully i have an emergency fund if I need to dip into that. Realized that I’ve saved soooo much time and money being sober. If I was still smoking, I’d definitely just be spending this time getting high and lighting my money on fire.
Feeling optimistic for today. Maybe it’s the sun, maybe it’s yesterday’s therapy session, maybe it’s nothing at all. I’m just going to ride this wave.
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Day 288.
Sleep was disjointed with super weird dreams, but no trauma nightmares. Woke up with a LOT of neck pain, I think I slept on it funny…
On the bright side, I’m going to my sister’s house today because my 10yo niece has a soccer game! I’m really looking forward to spending time with my family and I know my niece and super excited that I’m gonna see her game. I remember playing soccer when I was a little bit older than her, and being teased a LOT by my teammates because I was shy and wasn’t very athletic.
Oh jeez, as I write this I remember a time that my abusive brother came to one of my practices (we went to the same school). I guess TW for child abuse, i think?
Summary
He threw me to the ground because he wanted the hoodie I was wearing. My teammates and coach were all shocked and actually comforted me. My brother got my bio mother from the car and said that I stole “his” hoodie (it wasn’t his) and I wasn’t giving it back. My bio mother started yelling at me about stealing and refusing to return what “belonged” to my brother. She didn’t even ask me what happened, just immediately started yelling at me. My teammates actually stood up for me and said that he had thrown me to the ground, and thay I said that it was my hoodie and they had seen me wearing it many times. My coach even said something to her about witnessing my brother laying hands on me and throwing me to the ground. My bio mother just kind of gave up on yelling at me because she was outnumbered and in public. She scolded my brother for getting physical and then took us both home, but told me in the car that I had to give him the hoodie because he said that it was his. I refused and I got yelled at for being disrespectful. Never received an apology from either of them.
I haven’t thought about that gray hoodie in a long, long time. I wonder what it’s going to feel like today, watching my niece play soccer with her teammates, and watching her parents and brother cheer her on and encourage her, no matter what.
Hmm. Much to think about.
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Hope you had a wonderful time my friend. So grateful that you do have this family and all this beautiful love around you. So sorry for what your brother and bio mom put you through - you are safe now 
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It’s late but I’m going to check in and get my thoughts out here because I just have a big lump in my throat and I just want to sleep.
It is both so healing and so triggering to be around my family. I love my niece and nephew to absolute death. They are a HUGE reason why I quit using in the first place. Today’s weather was a nightmare (driving wind, pouring rain, freezing cold), and while I was physically miserable, it was so worth it every single time my niece looked over, saw I was watching her play, and gave me a smile and a thumbs up.
At dinner my nephew asked why I have problems with my biological family. Of course I froze up, because how do I succinctly reply in a way that’s age appropriate for an 8 year old? I just said that I haven’t spoken to them in many years, because when someone is abusive you don’t keep them in your life. My sister then said, “You know how your dad and I love and accept who you are, all parts of you and your personality, and we’ll always support you? Reese’s biological parents were the opposite, so he belongs to our family now.” The kids just kind of nodded and then the conversation moved on.
TW for scars, mention of self harm and physical child abuse:
Summary
The topic of scars also came up, but in such a lighthearted way. Like, “my classmate has a scar on her forehead from falling off a bunkbed” or “granddad has a scar on his eyebrow from clonking his head on a window as a kid.” Just funny stories about kids being kids and getting into accidents and having a scar and a story to tell later. I kept quiet and just smiled and listened, because most of my scars are either from self harm, or from my brother. The biggest one is on my leg, when he sliced me with a broken glass bottle. I was 8/9 and he was 6/7, a year or two younger than my niece and nephew are now. The cut was so deep I didn’t even feel it when I went to tell our mother, and she didn’t react except to tell me to wash it off in the shower, then yelling at me when I started to scream from pain. My brother never received consequences, I never received comfort or even a visit to the doctor, and here I am 20 years later with a big ugly scar on my leg to remind me that yes, this actually happened.
I cannot fathom anything even remotely like that happening with my niece and nephew, nor their parents reacting even close to how mine did (or didnt). It just really crystallizes what an absolute horror show I grew up in, and that I was just a little child.
So yeah. Being with them is soooo triggering. And also so healing, because I get to witness a childhood and a family that is based on love instead of fear. Plus they’re good kids who are funny and chaotic and loving, and my sister and brother-in-law are just the best parents.
Really glad that I have these people in my life. Really grateful that I’m “the favorite uncle.” Also really, really looking forward to seeing my psychiatrist and my therapist on Monday.
Okay. Hopefully getting this off my chest will afford me some sleep. Thanks for bearing with me, sober fam. Grateful for you all as well. 
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I hope it did. Sweet dreams Reese 
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Day 290.
Hanging in there. Just finished an appointment with my psychiatrist, and then going to see my therapist in a little bit. Returning to work tomorrow. Anxious but hanging in there. Making sure that the pot shop is not even an option.
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Best of luck. Hope you have a wonderful day 
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You are doing so great!
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Day 291.
Finishing up the day. First day back at work went well! Pain was very well managed and I felt like I had good energy. Definitely crashed and took a nap as soon as I got home, but I think that’s understandable. Woke up late, did dinner and cleaning and shower, now getting ready for Bed Part 2.
It was my older brother’s birthday today. We’re kind of estranged right now, since he thinks that I’ve “gone crazy and gotten worse,” and is siding with our bio family/doesn’t believe me about the physical/mental/sexual abuse I endured. I considered messaging him to wish him a happy birthday….bur I didn’t. I don’t feel comfortable opening that door to someone who has quite literally called me crazy and sent me pages and pages of some very cruel and hurtful things, because I dared to speak up and get treatment.
It’s really unfortunate. My relationship with him has always been rocky, sometimes good and sometimes bad. This one really, really hurts though. So while I have unblocked him, I don’t see myself reaching out any time soon. I know that he is also a victim of our familial abuse and trapped in that cycle, but I just. I can’t be that for him. I have to be there for me, and if that makes me “crazy,” then I guess that I prefer that.
I compare my relationship with him to the one I have with my sisters, and I find it lacking. It’s really sad because it’s like, I was hoping that I wouldn’t be “the only one to escape,” as it were. A weird mix of survivor’s guilt and resentment and grief.
Sigh. Idk. A lot of my mind and I wanted to get it out of my brain. Ended up writing more than I expected, as pretty usual. Going to do my yoga and then sleep. Another day at work tomorrow. Goodnight, sober fam.
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Glad to hear that first day back to work went well. Grateful you managed the pain well and did allow yourself to rest when you got home. The body will take time to bounce back 
Glad you are not reaching out to your older brother. I am sorry that he doesn’t believe you and calls you crazy. He does not know your truth and for some people it is fruitless in trying to get them to see it. You are living your best life my friend. Continue to grown and heal
Glad you did let out all of this here - hope it helped. Sweet dreams friend 
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Day 294.
Happy Halloween! I just realized this will be my first Halloween not getting absolutely crossfaded and staying out late partying. It will be nice to go home tonight, cozy up with a spooky movie, and know that I’m almost at 300 days clean.
Heading to work now. There’s a costume parade and a pumpkin carving contest. I’m so ready.
Be safe and have fun, sober fam!
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