Resetting again now after a disastrous day of talking with my sibling after she was abused again by an alcoholic mother. The mother believes we are the evil ones, blames us for selective memory and peppered the subtext with threats of completely fabricated lies (that would have disastrous consequence). Honestly, I’m so emotionally hurt and dead. I want to protect my little sister from this, but it’s actually made me drink as well…
How do you cope with feelings of shame and responsibility? How can one feel ok with shutting off a family member that’s so toxic she burns through people like acid? The hurt is real; I’m still a kid, even though I’m adult.
You’ve got to establish boundaries and protect yourself and your sobriety. Nobody should be subject to a hostile environment. There sounds like some serious issues to work through.
I’ve been establishing boundaries since I was 18 and moved out… But we have a huge ruck then don’t speak, then she draws me back in… It’s sad. She’s so aggressive I can’t deal with anything to do with her.
Hey Emma I’m sorry you’re hurting and stuck in a toxic family situation. It’s OK to say no. It’s OK to stay away. You are important. Your safety, sobriety and happiness are more important than a sick person’s need to control, maniplulate and play others. They don’t see it like that. That’s their sickness. We can’t call them out on it and protect ourselves - that’s our sickness. You can learn this. It’s very hard and takes time, but you can. Have you heard of ACA? It’s a 12step program for adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. Everyone there knows your battle. Check it out online, they have meetings all over the internet and in RL. Plus literature. The big red book will speak to you I am sure.
Are you in therapy? How old is your sister? Can she get out the home and is she in therapy?
What are you doing to stay sober? Sobriety first, because without that everything else goes away.
Stay here and chat with us.
You are not alone.
I am in my fifties and have grandchildren. My mother has been and continues to be a toxic person. I learned early on in sobriety that I had to set boundaries or she would crush my sobriety. YOUR serenity and sobriety needs to be protected above anything else. Unfortunately, you have the added burden of protecting your sister.
Emma you need support. While this community is awesome for that and I wholeheartedly encourage you to spend time here for that, I would also encourage sober meetings either in person or via zoom. The more support you can garner to your aid the better.
Thank you so much it means a lot for you to take the time to write a supportive and considered message. We are safe and away from her house, but she is gaslighting my sister through messages and aggressive voice messages. Hopefully she will give up, but unfortunately she is in a position where her lies and reality is so warped that you can’t even reason with her. Her husband (my step father) is enabling her drinking and validates her behaviours without questioning the vile things she is saying. Honestly, the things she says to us could strip wallpaper. Nothing you would expect a parent to be capable of
My sister had blocked her now yes. It’s so chilling though. She won’t bother me as I live over a 100 miles away and I’m no use to her in that respect… Plus I’ve been very independent all my life. I’m the uncontrollable element that she cannot stand or manipulate… Thus I’m the problem. Never her. Me.
Sometimes it just doesn’t work, as much as it would be lovely if the whole “blood is thicker than water” thing were true… I’m sure for a lot of families it is but there are some where it is not the case.
Myself and both my sister’s have had no contact with my mother for over ten years now. I think it speaks volumes that we all made the same decision independently… As a result of the awful toxic upbringing.
The very last time I saw her it was too show her support because her and my dad were divorcing… I went from his house where he was crying with his head in his hands to meet her where she continued her character assassination of one of my sister’s, calling her thick, calling her stupid… That was the final straw and I decided to just walk away.
If I could just meet her once to check in and see how she’s doing then i probably would… but I’d want it to be once only, which is clearly not realistic… I also know that if I was to meet her she would be exceedingly likely to accuse me of just wanting to steal her money etc etc and just reintroduce the drama that I suffered previously.
