With more than 25 years of sexual addiction behind me, I can claim to have relapsed thousands of times. What that means is that I meant to stop acting out and failed at that endeavor. After nearly every one of those relapses, I believed I could make this one my last. Well after thousands of these episodes, it slowly sunk in that no I couldn’t. This is kind of like imagining being hungry again after Thanksgiving dinner. It’s hard to do. But you’ve eaten enough times and been hungry enough times that you know you’ll get hungry again, even if your belly says otherwise.
Before I continue, I need to define sobriety, since I’m about to discuss it. I use the term to mean complete abstinence from sexual or erotic stimulation. I have to use this strict definition, as I have learned the hard way.
The longest period of sobriety that I have experienced for over 25 years is around 100 days. I achieved this nearly 6 years ago through what I would consider a lot of suffering. I really can’t describe how difficult it was. I have read on this forum about some of you struggling with withdrawal from various drugs. I experienced something that intense. I don’t know why, but I have one theory, which I’ll keep to myself for now.
Well then obviously I relapsed again. And again and again, etc. Since that time I have not had a decent plan to fight this addiction. But I held out hope. There is only darkness waiting if you give up.
Then I began to use smartphones. I was a late comer, but it wasn’t long before I was doing everything everybody else was doing with their phones. That included porn. The phone became my tool for acting out.
Then there was a moment when it occurred to me that I could use this phone as a recovery tool. That’s when I found this app. It wasn’t the only one I installed, but it’s the one that gets all the credit for 17 days of sobriety.
I can hardly grasp that I’m about to go to bed with 17 days of sobriety. It’s just unbelievable. It’s not difficult like those 100 days. The answer to why will have to wait for another day. I’m not saying it’s easy now, but, I don’t know, it just feels like my time has come. It’s time for me to be free.
Thanks for being here, and thanks for reading.